When you make the details of your life and your emotions public, you let people in. You invite them to get to know you. I have been comfortable with and comforted by being "out there". I have been blogging for maybe 6 or 7 years, and the whole time I have been sharing (with anyone who wanted to anonymously know) many of my intimate details and emotions. I have lived my highs and lows and honestly shared it here. I have loved it. I loved letting people in and sharing our story.
I have felt myself changing through the last few years. I have developed social anxiety, telephone anxiety, and become much more introverted. I was thinking this might be because loss and grief like ours changed me. However, I also think that it was party because I chose to go through those things so publicly. I used to love being around others because I loved them so naturally, I was comfortable being me, and I loved when others were themselves. I loved the mutual exchange of friendship and I thrived on it.
Online, I let people in to see me, but this blog is a one way glass. People are getting to know us, but I am getting to know very few. Here, I had a virtual support system that was true and uplifting, but I felt very anxious in the "real" world simply because I didn't know who knew what personal details about my life. I also feel a bit of guilt for running into people who are thrilled to see me, and know so much about me and my life and shared such genuine love for us, and I could not return the favor. I don't know what is going on in their lives anymore and sometimes I don't know them at all.
Too often, people would ask how I was doing and as I responded, I would continue to talk about myself. I had made my story available and they were interested and asking about it. So, this made it too comfortable and easy not to ask people about their lives. It became an unintentional habit of selfishness.
Sometimes after leaving a conversation I would replay it in my head and realize that not once did I ask them about their life. This disappointed me. I had grown used to people being interested in me, and had lost one of my favorite parts of myself; I used to love how I loved outwardly.
I am uncomfortable being a person who is uncomfortable being around others.
So, after much thought I have decided not to continue publicly blogging our story. This has been a constant source of love and I would not trade what I gained from this blog. I have sat here and read your comments and cried and cried because the outpouring of love from you was overwhelming. I will miss that.
So this will be my final public blog for now. I am going to be spending more time with my amazing family, and being a mother, a wife, and a friend.
Thank you for lifting and loving us. Your support has meant more than I can tell you. Thank you for listening. It has been lovely.