Graham's Birthday

After watching the long anticipated 36 week mark come and go, then waiting for our little guy’s lungs to develop day after day, it became hard to believe that the moment we would meet our son would ever arrive.  Logically we knew that I would not be pregnant forever, but the reality of getting to bring him home couldn’t feel real.  It began to seem certain that we were going to always just come close to getting our children, but would be constantly forced to wait. We would spend a lifetime waiting.

So when Wednesday night came, I lay in bed too excited to fall asleep.  I sent a text message to my mom: “I’m sooooooo excited!!!!!!!!!”

Mom: “I know, me too! I’m supposed to be asleep so I can get up for seminary, but who can sleep at a time like this?”

Me: “Seriously! It’s pointless to try. I prefer to lay here and just smile until my face hurts”

I text her and stared at the ceiling trying to imagine where I would be in 24 short hours, my mind always jumping to the moment when Lucas would see our baby and finally get to hold him. I looked forward to seeing Lucas hold the baby just as much or more than I looked forward to holding him myself. When I finally fell asleep it was with sore cheeks and a wet pillow. My daydreams often make me cry because just imagining seeing my baby open his eyes was enough to get the water flowing.

Unfortunately, Lucas had to work on Thursday morning tying up some loose ends for some services he is arranging. So, we got up, he got ready for work, and I ate a small breakfast. I was surprised how very normal the day felt even though I knew this was the day we had waited for so long. I have been pregnant for over 24 months in the last three years and this was the day that I would finally get to hold my baby and not have to say ‘Goodbye’. It still was so unreal, so we just went about the morning as we would have any other day.

While Lucas was at work, I cleaned the apartment a little more, re-packed our hospital bags, took Moose to my in-laws to be babysat while we are at the hospital, surfed the internet, and called our realtor. In the middle of all of this baby craziness, our lease ended on our condo and our landlord basically told us we need to buy it or move. I do not intend on moving, and since we love our condo we decided to buy it. So when Lucas got home around lunchtime we had a quick second to make sure for a final time that we had everything we needed and Lucas loaded the car.

Our realtor showed up and went over a bunch of contracts with us and we submitted an offer on the condo. After she left, we grabbed our phones and keys, locked the door, and headed to the hospital. I took this extremely unflattering picture because I knew it was important but it felt too normal to be this huge moment. I was pretty darn excited though, guarded but excited.

It was pouring rain for days and the 12^th was no exception. Many of the cities around us were flooded, there was damage from flooding through much of Denver. We drove carefully through the rain into the city to get to the hospital.  We talked a little bit, and I would go through cycles of giggling and yelling “I’m SO EXCITED!” and then five minutes later I would realize how scared I was for the baby’s lungs and that something would go wrong and I would stare out the window and hold Lucas’ equally nervous hand.  

We arrived at the hospital at 2:30, walked through the parking garage, ran through the rain into the hospital, and waited to meet up with one of my best friends, Kristen, who we were going to try to get into the operating room to photograph it.  We had to be to Labor and Delivery by 3:00. Kristen arrived just a minute after us, and we walked from the emergency room waiting area, down a couple hallways and up an elevator to get to check-in.

I gave my sister permission to update my facebook and let people know that the baby was expected at 5:00pm and keep people updated. I hadn’t realized that when I told people the 12^th, they would start watching their clocks at about 7:00 am and hitting refresh on my blog and facebook just waiting for an announcement.  I failed to post the time of the scheduled surgery.  All day people were sending us such kind messages and wishing us good luck and love.

After a little while a nurse came back to get us and take us back to get hooked up to a monitor, check both my vitals and the baby’s vitals, get me into a hospital robe, fill out more paperwork, meet the nurses and anesthesiologists, get hooked up to an IV, and wait. Our doctor, Dr. Larma, was driving to the hospital from a clinic across town and was going to have to battle the flooding and resulting traffic, so we worried he might not make it.

A couple weeks earlier, Lucas and I had toured the hospital with a nurse named Ilze (ELSA) and she was the same nurse that hooked us up and went over the plan with us. We talked to her for quite a while as she hooked us up to a heart monitor. We spent the time between getting put in the prep room and going to surgery listening to the steady swish of our baby’s heart for the last time.

Since I had fasted all day for surgery I was pretty dehydrated, so the monitor also showed that I was having contractions at about every 4-6 minutes.  They were beginning to become painful, but nothing like I imagine labor contractions probably are. After they had the IV put awkwardly on my wrist bone and taped in the weirdest way possible, they began pumping fluids into me and the contractions slowed a little bit. 

Lucas sat in the chair next to me and Kristen sat in a chair against the same wall. I explained to the nurse that our doctor was okay with her coming in to take pictures, but that we were hoping to talk to the anesthesiologist before surgery to see if he would be okay with her coming in too. She gave us a familiar response of doubting it would be allowed, but told us we could talk to him when he came in to get  some forms signed and walk me through the procedure and possible side effects.

Soon nurse Ilze brought Lucas in some scrubs and told him that soon he would need to put them on, he would be covered from head to toe. I had another robe to put on backwards, hiding my exposed backside for our walk to the OR, and a blue cap to cover my hair in the OR. They didn’t bring anything for Kristen, and I got really bummed.

Months ago I decided that I wanted to have the delivery photographed. I have waited for this day and I wanted it documented. I would also give anything to have the moment we meet our baby preserved for us to remember and see again after I’m not drugged and high on emotion, possibly clouding my memory. I wanted to remember Lucas’ face and joy when he sees our baby. So I was ready to fight for this. I emailed our surgeon months in advance and he told me he was cool with her being in the OR but that he was just one person out of a whole team of people who would need to approve.

So, when they didn’t bring Kristen scrubs it hit me that it was really hard to get visitors brought it for such a serious surgery, and I was pretty bummed.  When I wasn’t paying attention Ilze left the room and was gone for a while, left us waiting in anticipation to meet more people. Ilze came back in the room with something in her hands and said, “I made your case to the anesthesiologists and everyone has agreed to let Kristen come take pictures! They all understood your story and knew this was a special situation.” She handed Kristen some scrubs. I was beyond thrilled and started to tear up again. I loved Ilze in that moment.

After more waiting, our families started to show up. In the next half hour or so our tiny prep room was filled with Sarah and Nathan with their baby Shelby, Hayley and her fiancé, Ian, My parents, Lucas’ parents, Emily, Jonni, Kristen, Lucas, and me and soon everybody got shooed out so nurses could come get me to finish prepping.

In a few minutes our surgeon, having safely arrived, peeked his head into the prep room and said hello. He was so excited for us and said something like, “We made it here guys!” We talked a bit, thanked him for helping us get to this point, and then he went to go scrub in. We were minutes away from our scheduled 5:00 delivery.  I was getting increasingly anxious, and Lucas was so nervous it was hard for him to be excited. He was feeling shaky and lightheaded and had some of our family go get him some food. He told me that he was so nervous that our boy would not be okay and he was scared for him. He said he knew he wouldn’t be able to relax until he heard him cry.

When our nurse came back in I thought she was going to tell us it was time to walk to the OR, but instead she said, “Looks like we’re still waiting.” I was confused but our Dr. came in and said, “Looks like another baby is in distress and we got bumped from the OR. We will have to wait until the team is free again. Sorry!” So even though they had unhooked the monitors, they hooked me back up and I got comfy in the prep room again. Waiting again. Always more waiting. Our patience was going to be tested to the last second.

We visited with our families for another 45 minutes to an hour and then finally I saw Lucas walk by the room towards someone in the family and saying, “It’s go time!” Some people cheered, but my heart about stopped. I froze and couldn’t even smile. I was suddenly super nervous about getting cut open and being awake for it. I have never been awake for an entire c-section, and my only memory I have of the surgery is from Molly’s when they started cutting me open with no medication because it was such an emergency to get her out. At this point, I was simultaneously terrified and overjoyed. 

Our family gathered out into the hallway, and Lucas and I walked back to the OR with Kristen following behind. I lost track of where she was for a while. Before the OR section doors closed I said to my family, “I’ll see you when I have a baby!” and heard someone say, “YAY!”

In the operating room a team of people in surgical masks and blue from head to toe greeted us. The anesthesiologist had Lucas wait in a seat where he couldn’t see me while they gave me the spinal. They didn’t want him to pass out from watching the needle going into my spine.  Meanwhile they walked me around the operating table and had me sit on the side of it with my back exposed. I’m not sure exactly how it works, but after rubbing something on my back then injecting some numbing stuff into the area, which burned like the dickens, they gave me a spinal.

Only seconds after they finished, the tops of my legs and my bum started tingling and going numb so the team helped me to lay down and get situated on the table. A towel and sheet were hung up in front of me and I could feel them beginning to prep for the surgery, putting things on and around my belly. The anesthesiologist would take a cold swab and rub in on my shoulder, then my upper belly, then my lower belly and then my upper thigh and say, “Cold or Pressure?” and I would tell him which I felt.

He did it a few times until all I could feel was pressure. They checked that I couldn’t wiggle my toes, and then I believe they started rubbing sanitizing stuff on my belly and starting the procedure.

Lucas was sitting at my head, and I kept looking at him. It was so amazing to finally have him in the room for this. When I pictured the actual procedure, I remembered the giant circular lights on swinging arms above the operating table.  The lights were so huge and make you feel tiny and fragile beneath them. As I looked at the lights, I suddenly started to panic. I was no longer here, about to deliver our third baby.

I began to panic because I was back on the operating table in Rexburg, Idaho. All the emotions of being alone and being terrified and feeling like my baby was dying inside of me were coming back. Even though I could not feel the operation starting behind the giant sheet, my body felt the panic as if I was about to feel a blade slice me open. I began to cry, I thought I was going to explode and I could no longer handle the fear.  It was almost an out of body panic that I was feeling. I knew that I was okay. I knew that our baby was in no known danger, but emotionally I was on the operating table re-living the worst moments of my life. 

I looked at Lucas and he immediately noticed the fear in my eyes. Lucas told me that he knew that only he could tell how I was feeling right then. He said there was pure terror in my eyes and he could tell that I was so on the border of losing control of myself and of the moment from fear. He was worried I was going to lose it. He tried to re-focus me and get me back.  With one hand he stroked my face trying to calm me.

I looked into Lucas’ face and felt his gentle touch. I used his face, remembering that he couldn’t be there before and this was a different, happier time. I stared at him until I felt my heart slow down and I was able to calm back down and remember that we were about to meet our baby. I thought of Lucas’ hand in mine, and hearing that beautiful baby cry until I was no longer afraid.  Just as I calmed down, Lucas got scared because it felt like they were taking forever.

Through the surgery we kept hearing Dr. Larma saying things like “cut here through this scar tissue” “Remove this section of scar tissue” “Hold this.” “Pull here.” It was crazy to not be able to feel anything but to feel pressure where they worked with no pain. At one point I thought I couldn’t breath and they did something with the medicine and that feeling went away. At another point I got really cold, and they did something and I felt warm again.

Lucas and I kept looking at each other and saying, “He’s almost here! He’s almost here!” Finally Dr. Larma said, “Lucas, if you stand up you can see him coming!” Lucas stood up, and I stared up at his face, watching for the moment he saw our baby.

Finally, I see tears fill Lucas’ eyes and he gasps, a second later I hear the most beautiful sound in the world, the perfect cry of our baby.

I have never felt a joy so great! I didn’t know happiness like that was possible.  Lucas said, “Oh babe, he’s so cute!” I could see the relief in Lucas’ face as he heard that sweet cry. He had been terrified that when the baby was born something would be wrong with his lungs and he would be rushed away to the NICU. But when the baby started to cry a steady, loud, and beautiful cry, he finally felt relief. He cried tears of joy! They told me to look to the left and then the surgeon held up a squirmy perfect little baby for me to see. He was beautiful, a perfect little boy.

I cried so hard. I remember saying, “He’s here! He’s here! He made it!”

The joy didn’t go away as people rushed about and the baby cried and cried, it grew and grew. Lucas had tears soaking his mask, and I was crying the happiest of tears.

The baby was taken over to a little warming bed where a small group of people from the NICU dried him off and tried to “pink him up”. They said he looked good though, but didn’t pink up quite as fast as they would like. Dr. Larma leaned around the sheet by my head and said, “Those don’t sound like immature Lungs to me!”

 Lucas stood by them and watched them with him. He heard me ask, “Where is the baby? Can I see him?” and he stepped back over to me and said, “We are just waiting for him to get a little more pink and we’ll bring him over!”  I could tell by the look on his face that the baby looked great and Lucas was so happy. 

A moment later one of the NICU nurses walked over and brought our bundled little boy over to me. They handed him to me. I finally held my baby. I don’t really remember crying, I don’t remember anything but complete joy, a rush of relief, and the heaviness of grief lightened and my previous emptiness being suddenly full of immense love.  

I looked into our sweet boy’s face as I held him, and he opened his eyes as he cried. I never saw my other babies’ eyes, and I was overwhelmed. I think I was saying things, maybe even praying out ‘thank yous’’, but I honestly can’t remember what was said by anyone. I was in my own world with my small family, all of us finally together and happy.

After my arms got tired from holding him up they handed him to Lucas. I was amazed to feel my level of joy increase even more as I watched the man I love holding our baby for the first time. Lucas was crying, his face mask getting soaked. He stared into the face of our perfect baby, and held his tiny head in his hands. Watching them was the best feeling.

We took turns holding him and talking about how happy we were for about 40 or so more minutes while they stitched me up. At one point the Dr. had Kristen take a picture of my uterus to show me that it is in fact heart-shaped, which explains baby always being on the same side.

 

Once I was all stitched up the sheet was taken down and the team of people helped to slide me over to another hospital bed. Once secure there, they put baby back in my arms and wheeled us all over to the recovery area.

Once we were in the recover room, Lucas went to talk to our families.  He walked down the hall and into the waiting area. As soon as they saw him enter the room they all started to cheer and clap for him. He said he just stood there smiling, our families were crying and celebrating. Later he said that was one of his favorite parts of the day. He told them that the baby was perfectly healthy and would not need any time in the NICU. He was breathing with strong lungs and both mom and baby were healthy and happy.

My mom and sister have since told me that when Lucas came into the room he was shining with happiness. They said it was like the room was dimly lit and he came in with the hugest smile on his face, and he was so happy it was like he literally lit the room up. My mom said his joy was one of the sweetest things she has ever seen.

Two by two, our family came to meet the baby, each of them getting time to meet him and hold him. They hugged us and talked with us. At some points the nurses came to push on my belly and check my incision.  Mostly the time was spent with our loved ones celebrating that our baby finally made it into our arms.

After a couple of hours, they wheeled my bed over to the Mom /Baby area and gave us a huge room where we got settled. Families said goodbye and headed home.

Later during our stay at the hospital one of the nurses said this to me, “Everyone keeps calling you ‘The Happiest Mom’. We have never seen anyone so happy! I’m pretty sure that your family had every person in that operating room crying!”

Then Dr. Larma came to see us and said, “Last night my wife wanted to go out and I told her that I just couldn’t do it because I was emotionally exhausted. I told her that your delivery was the most touching delivery of my entire career. It was a pleasure to be a part of it. We were all in tears. That was the reason that I do this job.” He teared up as he spoke.

On Friday my brother Steven and his family drove from Utah and came to meet us at the hospital. They brought balloons and took turns holding the baby. We are so thankful that both Steven and Sarah and their families drove to be with us. 

We named our son Graham Matthew Taylor the next day.  Matthew means “Gift From God”, and we know that he is the best gift we’ll ever know. His healthy lungs were a miracle. His making it to us is a gift of God. We feel like the luckiest people in the world to be blessed to have him.

Graham was born at 7:02 pm on September 12, 2013. He weighed 7lbs 2 oz and was 19’’ long. He looks a lot like both of his siblings, but we think he looks more like Molly. He also looks a lot like Lucas’ baby pictures, but with my eyes.

We are so happy in love.

**All pictures taken by Kristen Pierson**

INTRODUCING...

GRAHAM MATTHEW TAYLOR

GRAHAM

BORN AT 7:02PM ON SEPTEMBER 12, 2013

7 POUNDS 2 OUNCES

19'' LONG

 HEALTHY. HANDSOME. HERE.

Graham didn't need any time in the NICU. His lungs were perfect.  He is perfect.

We will share his amazing birth story and pictures soon.

In the meantime, we're enjoying time with our little miracle. 

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

ONE DAY. ONE DAY. 
BEYOND EXCITED!!!!

It almost doesn't feel real. It is hard to convince ourselves that this can really happen. But in 24 hours I will be at the hospital and we will finally hold our son. My heart can't comprehend the joy we will feel, we've never been this close with this much hope. I'm so excited I feel like I could burst!

AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Baby boy is on his way! 

ONE MORE DAY!!!!!!!

I may have mentioned this before, but Lucas had a dream about baby boy. He was holding him and looked into his face. He had blue eyes that looked exactly like Lucas'. He said it was the coolest thing. Anyway, a couple days later we got Panda Express for dinner and Lucas got this fortune in his fortune cookie:

and I got this:

ONE MORE DAY!!! 

Inspired by A New Friend

We had a cool experience tonight.

Lucas and I were walking Moose on our regular path through the neighborhood to a nearby park. At the top of a hill we turned from a main road onto a side street, and about 15 feet ahead of us was a blind mind walking in the street, close to the curb. He had a guide stick and would swing it in front of him as he walked. He was using it to keep himself close to the curb.  There was a sidewalk on the other side of the street, and we had seen him there before, but this time he was in the road which was unusual.

I called out to him, "Hello!"
He slowed his walk, continuing to tap his walking stick on the curb to make sure he knew where he was standing. He replied, "Hi, how are you?"
We said, "We are good, thanks. How are you?"
He answered, "Good! Is this Dry Creek Rd?"
We were a block away from Dry Creek, and Lucas replied, "No, this is Xanthia." and I said,  "The street ahead is Yosemite. If you turn right at the corner, the next intersection would be Dry Creek."
He looked assured, smiled, and said "Thank you!"
We passed him, walking in the grass. He was close to the corner now, but Lucas turned and watched him for a second and called back, "Hey, would you like us to help you find your way somewhere?"
The blind man looked relieved and affirmed that he would appreciate that.

We turned around and walked beside him back up the hill, when we got the intersection he came to stand close to us and was no longer in the road.
"I'm Neil" He said.
Lucas introduced himself and shook Neil's hand. As I said, "I'm Amber," Neil took his hand and reached it to the wrong side of Lucas to shake my hand. I grabbed it and shook his hand.
When the light told us we could cross the street, we stepped off the curb. I was impressed to see how he used his stick to know just when to step up onto or down off of a curb. At first he started walking into the middle of the intersection, so I walked next to him, grabbed his arm and helped steer him in the direction of the crosswalk.
As we walked the block to where he wanted us to lead him, we talked about the neighborhood where we both live. We agreed it is a wonderful place to live, and he said he had been here about a year and a half now.

As I watched him use his guiding stick to find another curb to step down, I asked him, "Is it hard to learn to use that?"
Neil said, "Yes. Actually it was quite difficult. See, I've been completely blind for about nine years now."
"Nine years?" I said, "Wow... Do you mind if I ask what caused it?"
He said, "Not at all. It's actually an amazing story."
Lucas and I were quiet, listening to him as we walked.
Neil continued, "See about nine years ago I was quite depressed. I was having a really hard time. I tried to commit suicide actually."
"I'm so sorry. I am glad we got to meet you." I said. I felt a little bad that I had asked him to tell his story, but he seemed more than happy to share and he continued.
"Thank you, I am glad too. So I put a nine millimeter to my right temple, and I pulled the trigger. It is a miracle that I'm still alive, that I'm even here. I've been blind since that day. So there is a reason that I'm still alive. There is also a reason that I'm blind!" He was so happy as he told us this, smiling as he walked.
I said, "Wow, what a miracle!"
Lucas said,"That's amazing that you can look at it like that. Some people would go the other way." 
As we got to the corner where he would no longer be lost he replied to Lucas, "Thank you. The only real disability is a bad attitude!" 
We agreed, amazed by this man. We asked if he would like us to walk him the rest of the way home, he said he knew where he was now and thanked us for helping him get there. We said goodbye, and watched him walk down the street. We turned around at the corner, amazed at his strength and his good attitude.

Later on our walk, we ran into him again in the neighborhood, we had gone two different directions on a circle. He knew where he was and was headed towards his house. What a blessing that we got to meet Neil right now. The way this man looks at his own tragic story is full of gratitude and he shared that with us right away and so happily. Meeting Neil tonight was amazing.

A little dose of perspective can do wonders.

Answered Prayers

Yesterday we felt pretty hopeless, I'll be honest. But in the last 24ish hours, we've heard from so many wonderful friends, family and even strangers telling me that they are praying for us. I saw my blog referred to asking people who don't even know us to please pray for our baby boy. We were so touched (No surprise here, it made me cry) Then last night, as I'm being overwhelmed with kindness, prayers already started to be answered.

We were ready to go to bed, sure that we had over two weeks to wait, and feeling completely discouraged. Then out of nowhere the Doctor called me. He said that he had a client who's twin babies lungs kept testing immature also, but still, quite a bit more mature than ours. He said that just that evening (as the prayers were flooding in), a second type of test on another client of his came back mature even after multiple immature results.

Usually, to order this secondary test, you needed at least a 31 on the first one. We scored a 22.
But the Doctor just felt that he should send ours for the secondary test, just in case. The chances were nearly impossible that it would say mature, but he wanted to try. We agreed.

We waited all day, clinging to our last hope of trying to have our baby out as soon as possible, and finally safe and in our arms. (We will NEVER learn not to hope, I guess. And I guess I'm glad about this.)

Finally, around 4 the doctor called with the results.

There were two additional tests done. One of them came back immature, but the other came back mature.

He said that this result gave us some wiggle room, and it showed his lungs were borderline instead of super immature. Some fast progress! He said he showed the results to the entire specialist team and they all agreed on a delivery at 38 weeks instead of waiting until 39!

We scheduled the official time for the delivery of our perfect little boy. He will be born on Thursday the 12th!!! (our 38 week mark was actually on Friday the 13th-haha- but the doctor chose to use one ultrasound date from early on that would make our due date one day earlier. )

NO MORE TESTS! ONE ENTIRE WEEK LESS TO WAIT! Our baby is coming in 5 days and 18 hours (but who's counting? Us. You bet we are) And the best news, HIS LUNGS SHOULD BE FINE!

Thank you for your prayers. There is no reason that the doctor should have ever sent off for that test, and based on the proof we had, we thought there was no way he would test mature. But the doctor did, and the lungs tested well, and now baby is coming sooner than we thought.

Thank you for your prayers and faith, my friends!

No no no no no

We got an amnio test done today. We were pretty excited this morning, re-packed our hospital bags just in case, and accidentally left about 40 minutes early because I was so antsy. On the way Lucas grabbed my hand and said, "Do you think this could be it?!"
I have tried to keep myself from getting to hopeful and excited about what day the baby is coming. Our plans ALWAYS get derailed. It seems I am always close enough to having a baby that I believe it's really happened for me, and then somehow it all comes crashing down.

But when he said that I let myself hope.

Our last test was a week ago and little boy tested at a 10 and needs a minimum of 50 in order to be delivered. However, there is a backup test they give when our score reaches anywhere from 31-49, and if that is positive then they can still deliver. They guess that babies get 2 points a day, and then with steroid shots we can expect another 10-20 points.

We had the shots, so I guessed that put us at 25ish, then with 8 days gone, thats another 16 or so, so we would be in the low 40's. That is pretty close to the 50 mark, and the backup test would have a really good chance of being positive. I let myself believe that today could be the day. 

The amnio test went great, easy and painless, baby looked great, his heart and measurements are all perfect. We just needed the lung test to come back with high numbers. We were ready for our miracle.

Our doctor didn't want us to wait at all for the test so he ran the fluid to the lab himself right after doing the procedure, then ran back and said it would be a few hours before we had results but that he told them to rush the test and call him immediately with the results.

Lucas and I decided not to leave downtown Denver, in case the test was mature, then we would go right to the hospital and have a baby! We walked around a park downtown and held hands and were feeling really happy and content.

We decided, after watching the clock tick by slowly, to drive home (use some time) and if he calls us with the results and we have to rush to the hospital that is fine too, we would have to wait for an open OR anyway, so we would have time. It's only a 1/2 hour drive. So we started driving home. As I was calculating that it would be about 2 hours until the results were in, my phone rang.

I answered hopeful, but could tell immediately it was not good news by the tone of my Dr.'s voice.

The test came back at a 22. Even with steroid shots to help his lungs, and over a week, they only went up 12 points. TWELVE! How?!?!

 I'm 37 weeks tomorrow, and they say that about 90 percent of babies have fully mature lungs by this point. But not ours, our baby needs more time, and for us, time is the scariest thing.

So I held the phone to my ear and listened as the doctor explained our options (not many). Tears fell down my face and I cried silently as I listened to him apologize.  I felt as though somewhere something I couldn't see was beating me up. Beating up my spirit. Externally I am fine, but it's like my spirit is completely shattered. Something had to be trying to ruin me.

I whispered to Lucas that news as we went, and he got quite upset. He slammed his fist on the steering wheel and said, "What are they waiting for?! Does he have to die too?!" Then his face got so sad and crushed me even more. He calmed down, got comfortable feeling disappointed, and grabbed my hand. I got off the phone and cried, we sat in silence most the way home.

We know that we dont want to make our baby come into the world too early when every day makes a difference, (though not much in his case). We dont want to take him out because of fear when he could really use the time to get stronger lungs.

But, we hate that people were ignoring the fact that we lost two babies before when EVERYTHING looked perfect. A bunch of dumb rules made by a group of doctors that keep our doctors from being able to decide that this case was different and lungs might be trumped by history. Hands were tied everywhere we look, and our baby is stuck inside.

I keep wishing for signs of labor, wishing for something to be just a little off so they can find a reason to deliver him. But he's perfect, just like his sister and brother.

We came home and I bawled my eyes out because we know what this means.
 It is out of our hands. We just need to wait on baby's lungs. At this rate, he will be 40 weeks before his lungs reach 50, but doctors can deliver him no matter what at 39 weeks. So we have 16 days to go back to fear and waiting.

I'm just sad. I'm sad that baby is struggling for whatever reason to have his lungs develop. I'm sad that having two children die with no known reason isn't enough for them to justify trying to save this baby early. I'm sad that we keep packing our bags and driving off to FINALLY have our baby in our arms, just to drive home with tears on our cheeks and an empty car seat buckled in the back.

Sixteen days feels like an eternity. Especially since today marks the point in this pregnancy when we lost Molly when I was pregnant with her.

Life is hard.

Just to Remember

36.5 weeks!

I just wanted to record the feelings Lucas and I have been having so we don't forget them in case things get rough emotionally and we need something to lean on.

We have just made a plan with the doctor for the baby.
Tomorrow we will go talk to the OB we saw weekly since about 25 weeks. We really like her, and like that she seems so understanding about where we have been and why we feel so strongly about getting the baby out early. We want to talk to her about what we have experienced and all the "red tape" we have run into. We want to discuss with her if she would be willing to deliver the baby at 37 weeks even if the specialist is not. Unless for any reason we feel that it is right to continue to wait.

Thursday we go in for a second Amnio, 8 days after the first and after a set of steroid shots to help the lungs speed up their development. They will test his lungs to see if they have become mature, but to be honest, everyone sounds doubtful that the change we need to see will have happened in such a short amount of time.

However, if his lungs have developed enough, then we will have the baby delivered as soon as possible, even Thursday evening. If they are still too immature, we will have to go back to waiting.

When I let myself feel what I know is more of my natural, fear-filled, anxious response to this plan I get very upset very quickly. I want to write angry letters, make angry phone calls, and scream at everyone who just doesn't seem to get it.  When I listen to the doubts that have been there instead of the peace I find when I trust the Lord, I get upset and even angry. Anger is not a feeling I feel often, and I hate it. I especially hate feeling anything but excitement and happiness when it comes to experiencing the miracle of welcoming this baby into our home.

Luckily, those feelings of fear or anger come quickly, and they leave quickly as well. People have been praying for us to feel peace, calm, and sure about our decisions. We have felt the difference those prayers have made. We are reading our scriptures, reading the Ensign, going to the temple, praying, and simply just trying to listen to the spiritual promptings we feel in every minute. When we are really trying to stay close to the spirit of the Lord, and to trust Him and His timing, we feel completely peaceful. Even when these unexpected decision are made, or test results are keeping us from just getting our baby here, we can feel peace.

This evening Lucas and I sat out on our balcony with the dog and watched the sun go down. It was a beautiful evening. We talked about how excited we are to be so close to the big day when we will meet our son. Lucas explained that it feels more exciting, a different bigger excitement, than he has ever felt before. Our excitement, when we decide to simply trust the timing of the Lord, is not at all marred by fear. Instead, we trust that He has a plan for our son, and that whatever He has planned will be the greatest blessing, it will be what is best for our family. When we completely trust Him we dont feel scared.

Lucas said the other day that he expected me to be a basket case if forced to go past 36 weeks, but that he has been surprised to see how calm I have been. I am also surprised, and also grateful. I am grateful to know that if we were to plan our own life and to have things go smoothly and exactly as WE plan them, we would never feel the sorrows we do, and in turn we would never feel the immense joy that we are blessed with. Things would not turn out for the best because it is impossible to see the bigger picture from God's perspective. We have to trust that the little things that don't seem to go our way might be opening the door to a blessing we have not yet seen coming.

Tonight our home is full of faith, and I am grateful for that. We wondered tonight as we talked, why it is that the Lord didn't just let baby's lungs grow quickly so we could have him early. We wondered what it was, why things have happened to make us wait even longer. We decided that whatever the reason, in hindsight we are sure it will be better and we will look back and thank Him for making us wait. We will be thankful for being taught to be patient. Maybe in the end, our baby was always going to make it, and the Lord simply wants him to grow a little longer.

I'm just so happy to have a relationship with and a trust in God. We are so lucky to have the gospel, and the have the faith of so many people helping us to keep close to the spirit. The Holy Ghost as a constant companion has been a true gift, he is a comforter and a voice of reason.

We feel sure that our baby will make it. Minutes pass slowly. Days are crawling, and it is hard to focus on anything except baby. All the things I wanted to get done while we wait have sat undone. I get anxiety every time my phone rings and can't answer it. I haven't been able to get myself to go to any social gathering of any kind. But I consider it a huge success that I can sit here with Lucas, 2 days away from the point in our pregnancy when we lost Molly, and feel safe. I think every day when we go to bed and feel comforted and in love and excited for the future is good day.