27 weeks and his name is....

As of yesterday I am 27 weeks pregnant!

I'm feeling really good. I can't believe how fast time is going by, despite my jobless days being rather slow. Only ten weeks away from how far along I was when Molly was born. I can't believe that!

Since our little boy has only half the room he should to move around I feel like I'm only pregnant on the right side. My ribs hurt on the right as he has been crammed up in them for weeks now. My back hurts on my right side, but only from leaning weirdly to give relief to my ribs. However, I'm obsessed with being pregnant.

Still scared. Still quick to be overly anxious. However, I feel hope. I am not panicked anymore because I have a new found peace that no matter what happens we will be fine. The baby may get the chance to be raised when Molly is, or he will get the chance to be raised here and now with us. No matter what, we will find happiness and feel joy. So my mind feels eased, and my ribs dont mind being pried apart quite as much.

Also, I feel bad for men. I feel so happy when I feel him moving around and kicking. I feel this awesome connection to him already. I know when he is awake or sleeping. I feel him and its the best feeling ever. Poor Lucas just has to try his hardest to run over and feel a rare but perfectly timed kick. 

Women are blessed. May be the more painful job, but its definitely more rewarding. I love it. I want 100 babies. 

K maybe not 100. 

Also, we picked his name!!!

Unless he is born and we look at him and both feel like we need to change it, that is. 

So in just a few short months we will welcome 

Kellen Michael Taylor.

I love it. 

I love him. 

I love that I know I love it enough to tell people what his name is and not fear what they will say. 

It just feels right, even if suddenly everyone I know takes the name. (*fist shake*)

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Other happenings:

Today is Lucas' day off. I love Thursdays because we get to spent the whole day together. 

We slept in until almost 10 am today, only getting up to take care of our dog. 

Okay, Lucas got up. I slept like a rock the whole time..I'll work on it.

Once we were up I made breakfast and we sat on the couch together and enjoyed it because it was warm. I like the cool fall air, and love the warm fall breakfasts. 

We played with Moose.

Lucas made a smoothie then he went outside and saw that our car had a flat tire...BOO!

Then he set to fixing it. I love when he does manly things. 

( Lucas: Can you hand me that bar? me:______ *takes picture* Lucas: hah. Okay.   He get's the bar.)

 (Lucas' friend Daniel came over to help. We took him to get lunch. He told us "If you buy food for a Mexican, he's a friend for life"    Good to know.)

While the boys were out fixing the car and taking the old tire to get checked and refilled, I stayed inside and colored. 

Lucas has a bunch of awesome Prismacolor markers and every now and then I just want to doodle.

He also has big pads of blank posterboard. So I draw designs on them and then enjoy coloring them. 

It's a fun way to kill time while avoiding the cold.

Also, Moose at poop twice. Is that normal? It is the grossest thing. How do I make him stop it?!

New living room progress

Get something new and everything around it suddenly looks very old. 

Luckily, we got rid of all of our furniture, so the only thing around our new couches was our old carpet and patched up dirty walls.
So we painted the walls a light gray, I wanted a color, but we got colorful couches and I'm not brave.

Let's just start by saying that our carpet was horrible when we moved in. 

It should have been changed, but wasn't.

They professionally cleaned it multiple times, but alas, its still old carpet. 

Cant give a bath to an old dog and make him a puppy, right?

So I went to visit our landlord. She's kinda grumpy.

I explained that the carpet is horrible shape, and its tearing up in places and badly stained everywhere. 

I told her that we have a baby coming in a few short months, and I cannot imagine letting him lay on the carpet that is currently in the unit. 

She kindly responded, "Maybe you should move."
"Yeah, that's not it. I can talk to the owners then, can I have their number?"

I called them, and they can't afford to do their job change the carpet.
But I did convince her to cover the cost of an area rug. Hooray!
We spent the next week looking for rugs.
I hunted all the websites and stores and nothing seemed right.
 Finally, I picked this one. It's being shipped here.

Now we just need side tables and a desk! It is really fun to finally pick our own stuff  instead of using what is given to us. I can only imagine how expensive  fun owning a home is!

Ever since our trip to IKEA when we were in Denver and seeing how good their fake living rooms looked with curtains I have wanted some.
I looked at the ones there, and knew I could make them.
SO I spent Monday (or maybe tuesday?) making some to match our room.
It was fun, and I felt awesome.

I'm excited to finish everything. I'll post a picture when it's done.

20 questions about the man that makes me Mrs. Taylor.

A friend of mine had this on her blog and I had fun reading it, and in the name of fun surveys about my other half, I'm stealing it.

20 Questions

1. Where did you meet?
The first time we actually met was in the gym at the Stonegate building where we went to church. It was at a Family Home Evening activity during volleyball. However, I had seen him for a while before we actually met at random times during church. And I suppose the VERY first time we met was at a BBQ before his mission at my friend Kristen's house. We didn't talk there though, after his mission he developed a roll of film that had the BBQ pictures on it, and there I was in a picture with a group of his friends. weeeeiiiirrrrrrrd.


2. What was the first thought that went through your head when you met?
Well I dont know what moment qualifies as when we "met" because there was no formal introduction. However, some of my thoughts about him from the day we actually spoke to each other during volleyball were that I thought he was really tall and handsome and my friend Lesley had good taste. My sister Sarah told me to date him, and I remember feeling like I would really love to try, but that I wouldn't do that to Lesley, who had a huge crush on him. I also thought I liked his brown shorts and his white DC shirt together. During one serve I noticed he had a slight lisp, and when I heard it I was sure there had never been a cuter person in the world. I also thought he might have been checking me out while sitting on a chair watching my sister and I joke around on the court- I felt really funny because he laughed at a lot of things I said. I liked that he was not pretending not to be listening. 


I got a bit of a crush on him when I was up to serve and he spoke to me for the first time and said, "If you mess this up I'm going to punch you in the neck" It was so random and funny to me that I became much more aware of him the rest of the night.


3. Do you remember what he/she was wearing?
Yes, a white DC shirt, brown cargo shorts, a white hat with a green clover on it, and white adidas.


4.Where was the first time you kissed this person?
In his dad's red Mazda. We had been out a few times- this was probably like our 4th date. I wasn't used to boys taking so long (hah!) to kiss me, and he was so shy. His shyness made me want to kiss him more. We sat in the car when he was dropping me off and it was thick in the air because we both knew the time had come. We started talking about it, and he confessed to being super nervous because it had been a few years since he just got home from his mission. He was kinda shaking and was staring at my mouth and then would sigh and look out the window. Then the radio played the song "Kiss me" by sixpense none the richer. We laughed and I said he had no choice now. Then we saw a shooting star fly across the sky and we laughed at the moment forcing him into it. Finally I said something like "Okay, I want to kiss you now" and he said something like "okay" then we just kissed. I was shocked that he was a great kisser despite how long it had been. He smiled really huge after and I told him he was good at it. I loved it.


5. Where did you go for your first date?
Haha, to get a sandwich. He had asked me out the day before over facebook. We went to Which Which the next day. When he picked me up my mom's friend was there and grilled him when he got in the door. My dad loved him instantly and my mom acted like her normal happy self. We left and he had on a brown jacket and jeans I didn't like. He had Mat Kearney on in the car, and the Jeep was really clean. We talked constantly and laughed and it was so comfortable. We made up funny names for our order, and he stood close to me but never touched me. While we ate our food and talked we agreed not to wipe any of the sauce or crumbs off our faces the whole time we were there. It was hilarious to try and get to know each other with food all over our cheeks and lips. I love that he seemed so shy but was willing to look silly in front of me. After we ate I didn't want to go home because we were having so much fun so we went to his house and played pool and laughed the entire time.


6. How long did you know this person before you became a couple?
Well, it kinda just happened. I knew that I was going to marry him after only like 4 days, even before we kissed. We said I love you after like a week and a half. Somewhere in there, we knew we were a couple. If I had to pick a day it would be when we first kissed.


7. How did he/she ask you out?
Facebook chat. I changed my status to "single" and minutes later he messaged me and said, "I see you are single now" and we talked a lot. He didn't ask me out that night though, and he says he layed awake and was "Rebuked by the spirit" for not asking me out. He said he was so mad at himself for getting offline and not setting up a date. So the next day he got online and waited until I got on and then asked me "Have you ever been to Which Wich?" and I said "no" and he said he wanted to take me there. Unfortunately, I was only half excited. I was flattered that a cute boy wanted to go out with me, but I was hoping he would like Lesley instead of me. I told myself I would just be his friend. Then on the date I got a mad crush and he asked me out for two days later, and I couldn't say no. (I did talk to Lesley about it and she told me she was okay with it, and after she said she was fine with it I let myself really fall for him)


8. Has this person ever proposed to you?
Yes. We knew we were going to get married, and we had already talked about wedding plans. It was the week before Valentines day, and I was looking for bridesmaid dresses at the mall with my friend Jonni. We found some that I loved but didn't buy them that day but stayed looking at them until the mall closed. On the drive home I called Lucas "Hey Lucas, I am just leaving the mall and I found the perfect dress(blah blah blah) I think I am going to go home and wash my hair, then I'll come over, is that okay?"
lucas: "Um, how long will you be?"
me: "Maybe 40 minutes"
lucas: "Well the thing is that my mom is really tired, and wants to go to bed. She also made you some treats, so can you hurry?"
me: "Yeah I'll go fast"

I started driving home but changed my mind and decided not to make his mom wait. So I turned around and drove to his house, unshowererd with a dirty pony tail haha. When I got to his house I noticed his Jeep was gone, I text to ask where he was and he said his sister had his Jeep and to just come inside. It was snowing.  I parked and went up the driveway and turned toward his front door and saw a small bunch of balloons tied to a little silver star with a card that had my name on the envelope. I gasped because right away I knew that he was proposing. I took a small second to wish I showered, but then was so excited I giggled like crazy as I opened the card. It told me to go to which wich, and from there there was a balloon and a star that said to go to where we first kissed, so i drove to my house and his dad's car was there with a teddy bear tied to a star and a note that said to go to the place where he "Wanted to punch me in the neck". When I got to the church it was dark and there was a balloon on an unlocked door. All the lights were off except a dim light in the gym and the door was open. I went to the gym and stepped inside. There was a small table in the middle. There were flower petals on the table, and a rose, and little candles. Then there was a box about the size of square tissue box. 


I put my hands over my face and started crying. Then I walked to the table and a note told me to open the box. I picked it up and took off the ribbon. Inside the box was another box, and inside that box was a ring box. I cried harder. I took the ring box out and slowly opened it, but was surprised to find a tiny homemade envelope that said, "My Amber" I opened it and it said "Don't Move" I turned around and Lucas was standing behind me in a suit and tie. He looked really nervous but was smiling huge. He walked up to me where I was crying. He said, "Amber, I know we have never been able to find the right word to describe how we feel. But I want to spend the rest of my life trying to prove it to you." He got on his knee and asked, "Will you marry me?" His voice was shaking. I put my hands over my face again and nodded and said, "yes, of course!" (I think) and then he stood up and we hugged and kissed and remember feeling his heart pounding through his suit.


9. Do you and this person have kids together?
Yes, one beautiful perfect daughter who has already returned to heaven, named Molly. We are also expecting a son, due in January.


10.Have you ever broken the law with this person?
Lucas doesn't break laws. Though, I'm sure he drives about 4 mph over the speed limit so you can count that.


11. When was the first time you realized you liked this person?
First when he said he was going to punch me in the neck. Really it was after just a few minutes of our first date.


12. Do you get along with his/her family?
It would be hard not to. His family is amazing, and I get along with all of them.


13. Do you trust this person?
I would hope so! But really, I trust him completely. He is faithful, loyal, reliable, honest, strong, and perfect.


14. Do you see him/her as your partner in your future?
Yes, obviously. So I'm going to replace this question.  <<<

14. What is your favorite thing about this person?
I dont think I can pick just one thing. His personality as a whole, I guess. I have struggled since I first met him to find anything wrong with him. I guess my top things about his personality that I love are his integrity and his sense of humor.


15. What is the best gift he/she gave you?
Cheesy as it may sound, I'm going to have to say that he chose to turn his own life around and become the person he wanted to be and never looked back. His faithfulness to his covenants and to the Lord is the best gift and I am thankful for it every day. As far as material gifts go, I would say my wedding ring or a statue to a couple holding a baby that he got me for mothers day. Or maybe the page he scrapbooked for Molly's book. I dont know, he's good at gifts!


16. What is one thing he/she does that gets on your nerves?
He isn't cuddly at night. I always want to snuggle him, and although he wont tell me he wants me back on my side  or less close to him, I can tell that he just wants to go to sleep. He shuts down at night and wants to cuddle in the morning. I am a robot until noon so morning cuddles are rare.


17. Where do you see each other 15 years from now?
I see us parenting maybe 6 kids. (we want them close) Hopefully some of them will have been adopted, because I am passionate about adoption. We will live in Colorado. Lucas will work for the church doing Real Estate, and might work for another company too. I will be a stay home mom, but one night a week I will be Nursing at a nearby hospital. Moose will be really old or have passed away. Once Moose is gone (sad!) we will get Lucas the German Shepherd he wants so badly.


18. What causes the most arguments?
We dont fight, and I can hardly remember arguing. I guess the thing that has caused the most "big conversations" or tense moments would simply be small misunderstandings or when we simply have different opinions about something and have to make a single decision.


19. How long have you been together?
Three years this December. I can't believe how fast time flies.


20. Are you married?
Happily. It will be three years married this coming April. :)

"Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling. "

It took two weeks, but we managed to find Zuri a home.
We insisted that the family she went to had a yard for her to run in, but we kept having people lie to us about it. People can be very dishonest. I'm pretty sure we had about 6 people interested and then they were lying or just stopped talking to us when we said we wanted to see where Zuri would live.

Then a girl was interested. She said she lived alone in a 2 bedroom house on 1/3 acre that was fully fenced and she would love a friend to be home with her. She was REALLY nice so we decided it sounded like it could work. After emailing for a while we asked if we could bring Zuri to her, and she hesistated and said she wasn't comfortable having strangers come to her house since she is young and lives alone, but we could meet at her parents house. I agreed, thinking that was wise of her, but asked her to send a picture of her yard. She did and it looked great. Sad, I was settled that Zuri would be happy with her.

I cried pretty hard as I printed the mapquest directions to the girls parent's house, and cried harder as I tried to eat a bowl of cereal before we left. I cried so hard I couldn't eat it and ended up dumping it in the sink because it was soggy. I had really gotten attached to that little puppy.

I did feel good about it though. So we drive to Idaho Falls while I gave Zuri a few more cuddles, and pulled up to a house with a very familiar yard.

Right away I knew that she had lied to us. The yard she sent a picture of was definitely her parents, and she didn't want to meet at her "house" because it was probably an apartment. We hesitated but decided to meet her anyway.

We went in the house and it was full of people. A couple little boys, a teenage boy, the girl who wanted Zuri, a lady I assume was her mom, and an old senile woman in a rocking chair yelling questions about Dancing With the Stars.

They were all REALLY nice, and the old woman was hilarious.
      girl:"How old is she?"
"Ten weeks"
      girl: "She's tiny!"
"Really? We thought she was huge."
      Old woman: "WHO'S UP NEXT?! HOW OLD IS THA' DOG?! IS IT A BOY DOG?"

I would have called the girl out for lying about the yard, but know that Zuri could be happy in an apartment if she is walked every day. And the mom does live close, and does have a fully fenced in property so I'm sure Zuri will spend some time here. We were surprised that we actually felt okay about Zuri joining their family.

So I tried not to cry again, said bye to the puppy and wished her luck, and we drove home to a much relieved Moose. He seriously was instantly happier and peppier when we came home without his little bully. I was sad, but the past few days since Zuri left have been better, so I know we made the right decision.

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The other day my friend, Tim, messaged me and said "Happy Birthday!" My birthday is in June and it was funny. But it made me want cake. I make horrible cakes. I dont know why but I never can do it. But I really wanted one, so I took the easy route and got a box mix, and made myself a non-birthday cake.

It was delicious. I love cake.

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Usually, I love Halloween, but I've been feeling less festive this year. I love the fall weather, and other people's decorations, but I have had no motivation to try and get spooky. I think mentally I'm ready for January so the holidays are just checkpoints to the real finish line. Just 14 weeks till baby time!
Until then, though, it is impossible not the enjoy the colors. This is the tree in our front yard..

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One of our neighbors has a big apple tree that we walk past every day with Moose. I always look at the apples, but since I've never seen anyone out there picking them I assumed they were the really sour kind that is hardly good even in pies. But yesterday we were walking Moose and there was a guy out there with buckets and a ladder. We waved at him and he offered us some apples. We agreed, happily, and he gave us a huge box of THE BEST APPLES EVER. So good. I keep craving them, and they are smaller and healthier than grocery store ones, so I'm in love with them.
Come over and eat some with me!

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I've been remembering my dreams more lately, so my dream journal is getting more use. If you forgot and want a laugh or two, you can read them here : DREAM JOURNAL.

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A conversation with Lucas that made me laugh:
Me: I hope our baby looks like you.
Lucas: I hope he looks like Moose.
Me: That would be sad.
Lucas: He would be cute forever! And the ladies would love him!

You win, husband, you win. Fingers crossed for a puppy son, then.

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Oh, and I got a job at a call center. It will help us out for the rest of this pregnancy. I also might start watching a little boy 2 days a week, which would be fun practice for ours.

ALSO... I applied and got my semester from when I was 18 removed from my transcript! It was sooo bad and so long ago that they let me remove it and so my GPA went up from a 3.02 to a 3.7! Now I can apply for the nursing program. I already filled out the application, and am just waiting for my character reference letters to get mailed back to me, and then I apply and hope they like me. I probably wont get approved my first shot, but if not I will reapply. I'm just excited that because they approved dropping that semester I dont have to wait another year to apply! I might actually be able to graduate and be a nurse!

Good news all around! Now I'm going to make some pumpkin cookies! (Okay okay, I'm loving the fall. But I am still SO excited for January. )

24.5 week belly

I took sewing classes in second grade. 

Since then I have sown a few things here and there, usually having to re-teach myself what I am doing every time. 

But in an effort to let myself believe this pregnancy will end with a beautiful bouncing baby boy in our arms, I decided to make him a blanket. 

So one day I designed this: It's only one side so far, because I want to put his initial in the other side and we aren't 100% about a name yet, so I have to wait to do the other side and bind it. However, for my first ever blanket I am really happy with how it turned out!

Also, I couldn't not laugh when I left Lucas a note on the counter with a reminder. When I woke up he was gone, but this pet name made me laugh:

That's right. He said "Yummie Sugar Baby Love Machine" and dont you forget it!

Moose still smothers our face whenever he can, and I have tried to get a picture of it, and finally got one kinda. It doesn't quite show the full on face to chest attack, and you can't hear the weird noises, but you get the idea. My baby belly also gives him a nice little boost so my face is easier to smother. haha

 

Speaking of bellies...that's why you're here. Here is my 24.5 week belly shot!

(It's 10:30 and I didn't think I would be taking pictures, so ignore the pregnant-grunge look. )

Once when my hair was like that, Lucas was asleep and he woke up and looked at me and said "Your hair exploded!" and went back to bed. It was awesome.

So as far as the pregnancy goes, things are great. 

I use the doppler all the time, even though I feel the baby move like 10 to 15 times a day. 

My ribs are killing me, and I'm carrying him high just like I did with Molly. 

He is always on my right side still, so my heart shaped uterus must still have some heart shape pinning him to one side, which sounds horribly uncomfortable. 

Lucas has been able to feel him move a bunch of times. It makes us both so happy.

We are hopeful and happy. 

It's really exciting to think that in just 3ish  months we will have a son!

Life is joyful. 

We had a great Sunday even though we go to different wards. 

Lucas has been home tonight, and its been a great change to have him here. I LURVE HIM.

Oh, and I think I am going to delete my facebook and just keep a blog. Facebook eats up too much of my time, but blogging has been wonderful.

On selling and saving

Little known fact: I am obsessed with couches.

          Well, living rooms in general, but mostly the couches. I like to search online for hours at see all the different couches in the world. From sectionals, to cool chairs, to standard sofas- I love it all. Unfortunately I have beach-side-mansion taste on a rented-motel-room budget. Because of this I usually end up on sites where I find my dream couch and it costs about $3900 and I am throwing up in my empty wallet.

Despite my inability to obtain my dream of lounging around on the most comfortable sofa in the world, I still dream.
I dream while searching pinterest at living room layouts.
I dream while watching HGTV and critiquing every choice made.
Sometimes I cannot turn off my mind while I redecorate our apartment in my mind with all new furniture, and I lay awake for hours. In the morning I always tell Lucas all my mental plans. 
I love it.

A furniture store is like my chuck-e-cheese. 
I would actually LOVE to run a business reupholstering and designing custom sofas. That would be SO FUN.

So even though there are lots of styles that I do like, the couches that we have owned for the last year and a half were not even close to being something I was proud to own. Since I know it doesn't really matter, I have tried to ignore the hand-me-down couches that were falling apart in my apartment to wait for the day when the perfect couch comes my way at a price I can afford.

Then, last week, Lucas said he got some couches into work that were a color I liked and a fabric I might like. I went to look at them and for the price, they would be a serious upgrade. I got excited, but we cannot afford them even though they were pretty inexpensive with his employee discount.
We talked about the potential of our apartment with the new couches that night and slowly convinced ourselves that if we just sold a few things, and could find someone to buy our couches for more than 10 dollars that we could end up only paying under 100 for the new set.

THEN we looked on his business website and found some we liked even better in the same fabric.

We decided to try and sell some stuff. Just to see if anyone would bite, I posted our current living room set on craigslist.org.

30 hours later our apartment looks like this:

Now we have no choice, and in order to get the money we needed we also have no furniture. At least we will have some new couches! The come in two weeks and I can't wait. I'm so excited to bring some color into this place. In the meantime, we have our bedroom dresser in the living room with the TV on it, and a futon mat on the floor across the room as our couch/ chairs/ kitchen table/ play mat. Kinda fun. It's like camping.
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In less happy news, we have decided that it's not the best thing for either us or Zuri if we keep her. We tried to save her, agreeing that if she wouldn't work with our family that we would find her a new loving home. Unfortunately, when the time came we became hooked on her pretty quickly.

After a few days we realized that she is not very happy here. Moose is VERY unhappy with her here.
She is too big already and is only 9 weeks old. She is bigger than Moose and if she tries to play with him he always ends up hurt and she ends up yelled at. She also doesn't have a fenced yard so we have to take her out as often as we can to get some of that boxer/lab energy out but it is never enough.

It is also hard to see Moose being so sad all the time. She takes his stuff and when he tries to take it back she is really mean to him. She wants to dominate him all the time and he hates it but can't do much about it because she is way stronger. WE hate to see Moose getting invaded and being so depressed. We just wanted to save her, and we dont want to ruin Moose because we can't say 'No' to a single cute thing.

She would be the BEST dog ever if she had somewhere to run and she wasn't roommates with a weak little thing like Moose.

On top of that, our little boy is due in 15 weeks and I dont think I can handle Moose, a 5 month old growing puppy, and a newborn baby in -20 degree weather. It's not fair to Zuri and it's not fair to me or Moose or the new baby.

So despite my sadness at saying goodbye, she is now looking for a new home. If you know anyone in Rexburg who loves dogs and wants the prettiest dog ever, let me know! We are going to be pretty picky about the home she ends up in, though, so make sure your friends will make the cut!

Animal House

Growing up I  always wanted every pet I laid eyes on. In the store I would beg to take home the kittens and puppies, the ferrets and mice, even the fish. I just LOVE animals. I would even bring home snakes from the creek with my brother and put them in our yard. (I would never do this now--I'm not as brave as I once was)

In the last 20 ish years my family has had:
5 Birds
4 Dogs
4 Mice
3 Hamsters
2 Cats
2 Guinea Pigs
1 Ferret
1 Turtle

11ish of those animals ended up in our house because of me wanting to save them from the pet store or simply just begging for them.

After leaving home I have adopted:
5 dogs ,1 bunny, and 3 fish.

My mom always joked that my house would end up looking like the family in ANDRE that has animals everywhere. Except my house would have rescued animals and adopted babies all over it.

Well, looks like her prediction has started coming true.
As you know we have Moose

Then last week we got this little fish.

A girl in his ward was trying to kill it by noy cleaning its tank. Sad right? So we took him and named him Voldemort because he can't die and we are HP fans forever.

Then without warning yesterday we got Zuri!

 
She is an adorable boxer/lab mix. Lucas called me randomly from work and said I needed to bring 10 dollars and pick up a dog that he felt we needed to save from a horrible situation. She has a bald spot on her head that looks like she was burned, she is too skinny, and had a fatty rope around her neck that was so tight it had to be cut off. I guess the family getting rid of her had like 4 kids who were crazy rough with her and they coudn't care for her so they were getting rid of her. 


Lucas said he couldn't stand the thought of her being with that family for another minute so he called me. He KNEW I would agree to it. So with my love of dogs and the panic Lucas had in his voice I immediately went and got her. She's adorable.


And in 3 months....a baby!



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Also, our awesome friends Carrie and Scott are trying to get on CheapsterTV. They need to get as many people as possible to vote for Scott as their favorite cheapster, and if they win they get to be on TV and they get 10 grand. They have student loans to pay for and an ADORABLE new baby. Plus, they deserve it. They are coupon masters, free mail sample champions, "and make it do, wear it out, use it up or Go without" kings. Please vote for them. All you have to do is click this link and "like" Scott's picture:

VOTE FOR SCOTT

It would mean the world to them and me! Hurry! If you didn't do it, maybe their baby will change your mind:

Okay...seriously, dont be selfish. Just like him.

Stay-at-home-vessel

Turns out finding a job has proved rather difficult. Usually I get jobs really quickly, but being nearly 6 months pregnant has made the task a bit more challenging. Lucas got a job at Rent-A-Center, where he used to work. They rehired him just a few days after we got back from Colorado. HUGE blessing for us. Meanwhile my belly gets bigger and my potential for being hired gets smaller.

I cant help but feel guilty as Lucas gets up early, works 11.5 hours a day, half the week he goes to his church meetings for 2-5 hours at night just to wake up and do it again. Meanwhile I kiss him goodbye, sleep a little longer, play with the dog, look for a job, scrapbook, call family, look for a job, make food, clean the apartment again, take naps, and grow a human inside me.

It makes me feel like this:

 While Lucas is out like this:

Mixed with a little of this:

I am planning on staying home with baby if at all possible, and that is only 17 weeks away, but in the meantime I feel pretty useless. Last time I worked right on up till Molly came.

It also feels a little awesome to be home and give Moose attention and do things I normally dont have time to do. (Only when I DONT think about how little I'm contributing.) It's also probably good to take it easy since I'm kind of high risk this pregnancy.

At least I'm a "Sacred Vessel" haha. It takes all your energy to make a baby!

In an attempt to make a little bit of money I decided to start a teeny tiny business.
I remember driving everywhere in a panic when I got nervous about how Molly was doing. I was desperate to hear her heartbeat and know she was okay. I needed to hear her heartbeat but my insurance would not cover "non-routine" check ups, the doctors office was closed, and I had NO money for an Emergency Room visit. (In the end we did go to the hospital, which was good for us, but I still had the feeling of "there has GOT to be a better way!")

Still every time I hear this little boy's heartbeat I get a rush of relief and joy that I'm pretty sure no other sound can bring. I wanted to make that something that 30295710 pregnant women in Rexburg can get when they are nervous or just want a few minutes of pure joy.

So a while ago we got a fetal heart monitor, like the ones they use at any OB place. We started using it every day and it is the most wonderful thing that lets us listen to our baby. Because I love it so much, I'm fairly confident that others will too.

So I started a little tiny service called Heart to Heart Doppler.

I basically go to women any time they need me and for like 15 or 20 they can listen to their baby for as long as they want. I'm available all day, and I'm MUCH MUCH cheaper than an ER visit.

(I did talk to an attorney to make sure it was legal. It is. I just have to have people sign that they already know they are pregnant before I get there.)

So if you know any preggo's in the Rexburg area, tell them the good news! I would love it!.

So doing that has helped me feel less useless, but its not really a money maker. It just makes me feel good to help people. So far I have had 3 women listen, and I've been flyerin' the town trying to get the word out. Fingers crossed!

Forget Not

Yesterday I got to listen to a WONDERFUL talk from President Uchtdorf, an apostle of the Lord. 

It was really really great. 

I suggest going to LDS.org and watching the clips they have of it there. 

But in the meantime, here were a couple highlights.

"
My dear sisters, the gospel of Jesus Christ is not an obligation; it is a pathway, marked by our loving Father in Heaven, leading to happiness and peace in this life and glory and inexpressible fulfillment in the life to come. The gospel is a light that penetrates mortality and illuminates the way before us.
While understanding the “what” and the “how” of the gospel is necessary, the eternal fire and majesty of the gospel springs from the “why.” When we understand why our Heavenly Father has given us this pattern for living, when we remember why we committed to making it a foundational part of our lives, the gospel ceases to become a burden and, instead, becomes a joy and a delight. It becomes precious and sweet.
Let us not walk the path of discipleship with our eyes on the ground, thinking only of the tasks and obligations before us. Let us not walk unaware of the beauty of the glorious earthly and spiritual landscapes that surround us.
My dear sisters, seek out the majesty, the beauty, and the exhilarating joy of the “why” of the gospel of Jesus Christ.
The “what” and “how” of obedience marks the way, yes, and it keeps us on the right path. But the “why” of obedience sanctifies our actions, transforming the mundane into the majestic. It magnifies our small acts of obedience into holy acts of consecration. "
"As a child, when I would look at the little forget-me-nots, I sometimes felt a little like that flower—small and very insignificant. I wondered if I would be forgotten by my family or by my Heavenly Father.
Years later, I can look back on that young boy with tenderness and compassion. And I do know now I was never forgotten.
And I know something else. As an Apostle of our Master, Jesus Christ, I proclaim with all the certainty and conviction of my heart and soul—neither are you!
You are not forgotten.
Sisters, wherever you are, whatever the circumstances may be, you are not forgotten. No matter how dark your days may seem, no matter how insignificant you may feel, no matter how overshadowed you think you may be, your Heavenly Father has not forgotten you. In fact, He loves you, with an infinite love."
—President Dieter F. Uchtdorf

I have had a hard time writing about this pregnancy.
I really want to write about it, but I dont want to NOT be writing about her. 
I feel guilty writing about my life moving on and not mentioning Molly in every post.
She is, after all, on my mind all day. I miss her every second of every day. 
So, my joy at this pregnancy is real, but reserved.
I have only taken three belly photos, and I took those because I knew I would regret it later if I didn't.
I haven't mustered enough courage to start getting out the baby stuff again.
The last time we set up the crib was the same day we lost her.
I would rather just wait until he's here and safe and then come home and get the nursery ready.
But I am trying to convince myself that it's all in the Lord's hands, and I still need to be prepared.
If he is born healthy and happy we will love him the same as if we lose him too.
Fear is such a stumbling block. 
I just need to remember that it's okay to fall in love again.

I'm 22 weeks already and feeling him moving more and more everyday. Every kick is a comfort.
We really are blessed.

  

I'm seeing Blue

(Lucas just made me realize that the title "Bring on the blues" makes me seem like I am totally disappointed/depressed. This is not the case so he said I must change it. haha.)

Well that many people can't be wrong! We are expecting a little BOY!

I would say that 90 percent of the people we talked to guessed that we were having a boy this time around. It was possibly because last time I had HORRIBLE morning (all day) sickness and this time I have not been sick at all. I have had more headaches than usual, but thats about it! With it being so different it really made everyone think....maybe its a little man in there.

We are absolutely THRILLED. I keep telling people within the first 5 seconds of our conversations. I'm so excited! It is a weird switch to make in our minds, though. We were so used to the idea of raising a little girl first. We saw ourselves as parents with girls and so to be actually raising a boy first is taking quite a mental switch. I'm excited because it might be less difficult this time. With a boy I am less likely to look into his little face when he is born and feel the huge longing for Molly. I'm sure I will feel it anyway, but at least this time it will be a whole new experience. Hopefully a good one. 

The doctor and tech said that my heart shaped uterus isn't that bad. They could hardly tell at this ultrasound that it is curved, which gives me hope. I would love to be able to carry this baby to term, but its a waiting game and we will just have to watch carefully and see what happens. However, so far everything is progressing normally and our little guy is healthy as can be! His heart-rate was spot on and he is a wiggly little thing. He is in the 45th percentile for his size, currently he is 13 oz. 


We already LOVE him!

Have any little boy names you want to share??

Molly's first birthday

           It has taken entirely too long for me to blog about my end of summer vacation. However, we are back in Rexburg after 7 weeks in Colorado and since I no longer have a job I have time between job hunting to blog

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
           As the spring semester ended at school I was overwhelmed with schoolwork and more emotional than usual as the year mark of Molly's birth and passing approached.  I would not say that missing Molly has prevented me from being a happy person. It has in fact, increased my joy because I have a daughter who I love and who I can miss. I feel blessed to be her mother. However, around the end of semester I found myself tearing up at everything. The memories of a year ago were on my mind constantly and I felt like I re-lived that night all day, everyday. (It is quite a dangerous mix to be 3 months pregnant after a loss and meeting the year anniversary of your daughters passing. Add stress of finals and its no wonder I cried about everything.)

      So the last day of finals was the day before Molly's birthday, July 21st. I refused to be anywhere but where she is buried on her bday, and needed a day of driving beforehand. Being in Colorado with her body and with my family is far more important to me than getting a good grade on a Chemistry test. So, I decided to make myself a bit vulnerable and ask if I could take the final early. I didn't want to tell my teacher the exact reason, but just told him that I needed to be in Colorado on the 22nd and that I was helping my neighbor move on the 21st all day so it was incredibly important to me to take the test early.

     He looked at me like I was just like the 20 or so students he sees every semester end who try and make up reasons why they need their final taken early and why it is vitally important for them and them alone. I could tell he was doubting my reasoning, though wasn't rude to me. He just said "Well while that is very kind of you to help your neighbor, it is not the trump card. The trump card only deals with family." As he said this, my eyes filled with tears. I was sad that I would have to fail a test and that in order to explain that I really had the trump card I would have to share with him my most personal experience. Unfortunately, the other students around me were listening and noticing I was getting emotional. This made me more emotional. Tears were falling down my cheeks and I just said, "Okay. That's fine. I'm sorry, but I will just have to fail the final and hope my grade is high enough without it."


     My teacher looked surprised and panicked/embarrassed about my tears. I'm sure he was shocked to see how much it meant to me to help my neighbor move, and unable to understand why his comment made me cry instantly. He said "Oh, Amber Amber Amber. I will see what I can do. I'll talk to the testing center." I felt such a rush of relief that I then ***can you guess?*** began to cry even more. My teacher was blushing and went and grabbed a tissue box and realized it was time for class to start. He greeted the class in a more frazzled way than usual, and I tried to force my eyes to stop crying and it was proving difficult.

    My chemistry partners looked at me with serious concern and I tried to make them understand and just said, "Don't worry. I'm fine, really. I'm just three months pregnant and irrationally emotional." They laughed and looked glad to not be pregnant.

     So I ended up taking the final and getting the grade I needed in the class. (I emailed my teacher and explained about Molly, and he emailed back that he understood and I was set up to take the test early.) We was able to be in Colorado after an incredibly long road trip home to Colorado with Lucas driving my neighbor's moving truck and my sister and I following behind. However, we got there in time to settle in, greet our families, and wake up the next morning to allow our hearts and minds to be focused on our angel, Molly.

   It is a weird feeling having everyone wish a happy birthday to her. It is strange to have my arms ache again just like the day she was born. I was incredibly emotional the entire day, but it was overwhelming enough that, surprisingly, I spent most of the morning tear-free and lost in thought.  I wore pink and white for her, and we waited all day until the lighting in the sky would be perfect just before sunset to have a beautiful memorial service at the cemetery.

      I had been nervous about how formal or informal to make the celebration/memorial. I wanted to honor her, and remember her, but I didn't want to ignore the sadness that I was feeling. I also wanted to remember how she has blessed us and how happy she makes us. It is a weird combination of emotions. I wanted to be honest with my feelings and was unsure how to go about it. So, we kept it simple and decided to just go with how we felt in the moment. We picked up a beautiful bouquet of roses for Molly, and three balloons. We wanted one balloon to symbolize each member of our little family. It was much like the balloon release at her memorial, but on a more personal level.

     Once at the cemetery I was happy to feel nothing but peace. I did not feel a rush of sadness or longing. I did not feel angry or giddy. I felt only the same peace that I always feel there. The rest of the world was gone and this was just time with our family. As usual, I took my shoes off when standing over her. As my family and Lucas' arrived we all talked quietly and visited and gave her the flowers we brought. My parents also got her a bouquet and I was very touched.

     It is hard for me to look at her headstone for very long. It is beautiful, but if I give it more than just a glance I cant help but imagine how close she is to that stone that marks her place on the world. Although, I know that her spirit could be right next to me, and that she is free to be with me wherever I am, I long to hold her and hug her, still. Being close to her little body is the best I can do. A few times I found myself tuning out the conversations around me and staring at her headstone and the flowers that, though beautiful, seemed hardly enough of a gift for her. My eyes watered and Lucas pulled me into a hug and kissed me. He rubbed my back, and I closed my eyes and tried to feel her there, too.

  

As people noticed the more reverent atmosphere, conversations died and everyone seemed to turn their thoughts to her. It was a beautiful moment, really. I wiped my eyes and told everyone that I had asked my sister-in-law, Hayley, if she would read a story she wrote for Molly. Hayley nervously stepped to where everyone could hear her, and read us her story. It was beautiful and looking around it seemed to have brought everyone the same feeling of love. I will ask her if I can write the words to her story here so you can read them. It is very well done, and I would love to share it.

    After Hayley read we decided to release the balloons. This was by far the most sweet, and difficult moment of the day.  It had a similar feeling as the day she came to us. Lucas and I held the balloons together. Honestly, I forgot that everyone else was around. Lucas' eyes were watering as we released the pink balloon first and watched it float into the sky. We were both crying as we each let go of our own white balloon and watched them follow the pink one away from us.

     The symbolism was beautiful, and when Lucas finally looked away from them and back at me his voice shook and tears were falling down his face when he said, "It feels like we had to let her go all over again." He rarely loses control of his emotions, so I wrapped my arms around him while he let it out. I know Molly could feel the love her dad has for her.  Lucas and I stood with our arms around each other and told Molly Happy Birthday,  then slowly everyone began to make small talk again as we watched the sun set beautifully.  It was as beautiful as the sunrise the comforted us after she passed.


Sometimes, when you cant think of how to plan the perfect moment, it somehow happens anyway.  I would say this was a wonderful, beautiful and perfect way to honor Molly, and I hope she felt our love.