Who owns these clothes?

My closet and I are having one of those out-of-sync days that Jim and Pam talk about on "The Office". This morning I grabbed what is usually a stylish shirt, and also what normally works out to be cute jeans, and put them on. Without much more thought I started getting ready for the day and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Who owns these clothes? Must not be me, the shirt wont sit straight on me, and its not due to slouching or eating the cookies I made in spite of the promise I made myself last week to stop making cookies. I have not put on weight, or changed anything. But this shirt does not fit me. These jeans, though this is the first day I'm wearing them, look as though this is day three, and maybe on day two i ran through the sprinklers fully clothed.

I went back to the closet and looked through again, realizing that nothing that I own would fit me today. I woke up swollen I think. I looked at a few more shirts, and went back to the T-Shirt and jeans I had on before, deciding that I would just go to the laundromat today and use "Oh, it's laundry day" as the excuse for my appearance.

So i'm sitting here enjoying the aftertaste of the no-bake cookie I just ate, and wondering why I dont get along with my clothes today. If Lucas came in, I would probably be embarrassed. I feel like I resemble a yard sale, or a clearance mannequin. Like for some reason parts of my appearance today were all taken from random out-dated sections of a house, and put outside in the grass on chocolate milk stained blanket, and for some reason I jumped at the opportunity to purchase this mismatched outfit. I would try again, but I'm affraid of what another attempt might result in. Perhaps I will let my fight with my wardrobe today persuade my friends and family to secretly film me for weeks, and call up What Not to Wear, let them be the therapists my clothes and I need to resolve this conflict.