ALMOST PREGNANT
My period was late in January, I was pretty sure. Ever since Molly came to us my monthly visitors have been getting farther apart. I suppose its possible that it just feels that way, though. After holding your newborn in your arms and having to say goodbye to her forever before you ever put her down, your arms are left longing for a baby. We missed Molly terribly, but knowing exactly where she is and that we will see her again has made the healing process much easier. By no means has it been easy, but easier. We will raise her, but we just have to wait. In the meantime, we waited to feel right about it and then decided to try having a baby.
We stopped trying to prevent it in December, but weren't very serious about it. In January, the same thing for the first two weeks and then about half way through the month we went to the temple and felt the strongest feeling that it would be a good time to start taking it seriously and try for another baby. Then during one of my classes there were beautiful quotes presented about the importance of family and starting one as soon as you can. I felt right, so we got down to business to say the least.
Come the end of the month and I was pretty sure that mother nature's gift was about 2 days late, and could think of nothing else but taking a home pregnancy test. So, instead of driving to class where I should have been, I turned the car to the north and headed for the local Walgreens.
I didn't want to take it at home. I felt like if it said No that Lucas would be so disappointed in me for wasting the money when my period could easily come any day now. But I had to know. So I purchased the little box of hope and instead of leaving the store I quickly took it out of the little plastic bag, and had the box opened before I made it completely into the stall. I was nervous and excited.
* * * Pause for testing * * *
Staring at that little stick is crazy. Its like doing a simple chemistry test but this time the outcome affects more than your grades. It affects your whole life.
It only took a few seconds and the word "Pregnant" appeared on the screen.
My free hand immediately rested on my belly, and I smiled. For the moment it seemed that our dream of raising a baby in this lifetime was actually going to happen. Quickly I threw out the garbage, washed up, and ran outside. I nearly knocked over an employee who was mopping as I ran out of the store.
"Sorry, I'm so sorry! I'm pregnant!" I dont know why I said it, but I didn't care. Lucas and I knew that this time around we wanted to be more private about our pregnancy journey. Its hard to have everyone so involved in something that affects you so much. Sometimes it's easier to just cling to each other for dear life and hope everything works out for the best.
So I drove as fast as I could without being reckless and found Lucas asleep on the couch. I was going to wake him up with a stick in his face to let him know he was a Daddy again. This is exactly how he found out about Molly, too. I thought about waiting, but I never want him to be out of the loop when it comes to our children. Plus I'm incredibly impatient.
So he slowly woke up, as he seemed to notice I was home, though I should have been in class and looks at the time and says "Hey, you're here early" I walked to the kitchen, hiding my present. "Yeah, I uh. I have something." I walked up to him and held out the stick. I honestly can't remember what he said. I remember that we both felt happy and we hugged. We joked and he touched my belly, as he always does when he realizes I'm not alone. We quickly took a picture of me with the little stick of proof and then sat around talking about it.
He mentioned that he would have liked to have been there when I found out, which made me feel guilty for my continued impatience. But we were happy. We figured that this time we would really get to have a baby home for Christmas.
However, as we suddenly thought of the road ahead of us, we lost some of our excitement. Suddenly, the question is what we knew it would be, "Is the baby okay?" As we thought about that, we thought about that this meant we were moving on. Our little family was no longer just us and Molly. Molly was becoming more and more a part of our past, and I didn't want that. As I missed her, the belief of having a healthy baby enter our lives didn't seem likely.
So, I put my backpack on and went back to school. In my next class I felt like I had a secret and kept thinking about it. I wanted so badly to believe that this time everything would be okay. I wanted it so badly.
That night I went to bed after taking a prenatal I still had from last time. Lucas and I kissed goodnight, anxious for the long 9 or so months ahead of us(minus two or three weeks).
The next morning, I woke up and ate breakfast. I went to the bathroom and noticed a little blood in the water. My heart sank, but my mind almost instantly accepted the idea, as if it had already expected it. I knew that this early, blood is never good.
It was just a tiny bit, so I held onto hope that it was just implantation bleeding.
I let Lucas know and he seemed to express the exact same feelings I had. He looked like he was sad but not surprised. It really is hard to feel like this is going to happen. Just hours later, I knew this was not implantation bleeding. I was in the throws of losing our baby.
Had I not known that I had been pregnant, I would have assumed this was a normal monthly visitor and just lasted longer than usual. But there was no denying it, our baby was gone. Something was wrong, and my body had not allowed the pregnancy to continue. It was possibly just a chemical pregnancy, as well. Could have done all it needed to but been unable to implant and come out with the regular period.
It really is sad to know how easily we accepted it. I didn't even cry.
I was happy to have a little more time with Molly as our only child, and humbled to know that this trial continues for us.
As a kid I used to believe that I would be unable to have children. It suddenly felt like this might be the case. However, we knew it was just the first month, and we would keep trying. Our guards were up, though. I fear that we will never be able to approach a pregnancy with the ignorant bliss we had the first time. It is a terrifying 9 months, and the idea of a healthy baby coming home seems nothing short of a miracle. So with fingers crossed, we kept our expectations low, and our hope barely breathing.
IMPATIENT
As I said before, I struggle with patience. You would think that waiting for Molly would make me better at it, however when it comes to the idea of having children I can hardly wait. I want to know the second I'm pregnant and I want to have them here as soon as possible. I would love to have 6 at a time, if I could. I would even adopt right now even with the chance of getting pregnant.
So each month since the chemical pregnancy/miscarriage passed very slowly. I waited and waited and then as soon as my period was due I would find that I could focus on nothing else. This time Lucas made me wait until at least a few days past, and even then it took some major convincing and pouty faces to get him to agree to test it.
Here's our mindset difference:
~ I always assume that it will say yes. I picture finding out and starting the journey. The idea of it saying no seems impossible. I'm too positive, even with my expectations for the outcome of pregnancy low.
~ Lucas sees me after it says no. He feels the sting of feeling like the clock is ticking and we still sit home alone every night. He hates the idea of both losing the money on a test and then having my period start, and the feeling of having our hopes up as we wait and then seeing the stick say "this is never going to happen"
So my glass is too full, and his is reasonably low. I am selectively looking at the facts, and he wisely looks at all of them and then choosing a slightly pessimistic solution.
So the end of the last few months comes with me slowly getting more and more anxious and him trying to hold off my excitement just a few more days in case that monthly visitor decides to come over.
Beginning of April came and my period was late again. Just a couple days, but the constant curiosity starts as soon as I realize that there is a chance. We were in Colorado and I begged Lucas to agree to come get a test and be there to see the results with me. He was unsure, knowing that my period could start as soon as I take it. I was positive I was pregnant. The last few weeks I was unusually grumpy, way more emotional than the usual PMS, and I wanted it so bad I could taste it.
Finally, he gives in. We drive to the store late at night with the excuse of buying Lucas a snack. He gets himself a box of donuts, and I get my favorite thing...a pregnancy test. We leave and sneak into my parents house. That night, after we talk with my family, we sat in the bathroom staring at the stick.
The control line appears, and then no second line. We wait for it to become a positive. To see even the slightest of a hint that there is a positive, but after five minutes there is no denying that it is not going to appear.
My eyes teared up a little with disappointment. THis meant that one- I am not pregnant, most likely. and two- I am this grumpy and emotional because I was just being a crazy girl. How annoying and disappointing.
I decided to take another test in the morning, better to use that early morning stuff, I heard.
Around 7 am, I woke up and could think of nothing else but the slim chance there still was. I went into the bathroom after nudging Lucas to tell him I was taking it. He didnt even get out of bed. He knew.
It said no, and before I even left the bathroom I felt a familiar feeling as mother nature mocked me with her horrible timing and let me know that she has the worst timing ever.
I was crushed. I let Lucas know, and he rubbed my back as we layed in bed. "I'm sorry, hunny bun" he said. My eyes watered and I accepted it. I figured that next time, I was going to just wait. I wasn't going to think about it until suddenly my belly is huge and I only have a month to go.
Yeah right.
Magic 8 Ball
It had been 35 days since my last period in Colorado. That is usually about how far about they have been the last few months. I had tried not to think about it all month, which actually helped me to relax about it and Lucas and I were able to ....try more. *wink wink*
At 35 days, though, we both became aware that this is about when we should expect the monthly disappointment. But with each bathroom trip with no new development I felt increasing anxiety to take a test. Could I be more predictable?
I only waited one day, and then I started mentioning to Lucas that I want to take a test. All day I slipped it into conversation as if I was talking about a school test, almost in a silly or day to day task way. He would smile and give me the look that says, "You know how you will feel when it says no. Dont put us through that"
He was right. Plus, we had decided that this time to combat my impatience we would agree that he was in charge of when we test. So that afternoon we drove past a Walgreens and I eyed it, yearning to get a test. Desperately wanting to know. Lucas slowed down and said, "I can get one" but the defeat in his voice made me so guilty I said, "No. You get to tell us when this time. It's up to you." Knowing he really believes that my period would come the next day, he sped up again and we went home.
I could think of nothing else. I did some homework, and would always end up on pregnancy sites calculating my potential due date. Then in an effort to respect what Lucas wants for once, I had to distract myself with something. In my mind I begin thinking, Why can't I just be lucky enough to not feel guilty taking a test? Is there really anything wrong with knowing? Why can't he be as excited as me? Its better to know than not to know. I wish he wanted to know right now, like I do. I'll just wait. I was trying to think of anything that would make me feel like this was my decision alone, and that it didn't affect him just as much. As I thought this I was also folding laundry in silence (this is weird for me. I am always humming some song or making weird noises as if I had any cool rapping abilites) I was cleaning and scrubbing and finally I just sat stiffly on the couch and stared at the turned off TV.
I wasn't meaning to show how antsy I was, but Lucas can read me like a book. Finally he got up, walked into the bedroom and came out with my shoes. He put them on the counter and went and got me a jacket then held it out and said, "Amber, just go get one. It's okay and it's driving you crazy. Just go get a test."
I was so overwhelmed with loving him and excitement and sad that my impatience didn't really let him decide yet again, that I just started crying. (I'm really such a baby)
I layed on the couch, covered my face with embarassment and said "Are you sure?"
"Amber, you can't even function. It's really okay. Just go get a test" He brings me my jacket which I put on slightly guiltily but mostly nervous as I realize its another chance.
I drove to the closest grocery store, which also happens to sell pregnancy tests for the most expensive price (like 25 dollars for the good kind) and if you want a test you have to have it unlocked from a glass case as if its something dangerous.
My guess is that they lock them up because in a primarily LDS community, the local teen pregnancy would be more tempted to steal a test than to give herself away. So they dont let you hide it here.
I ran to get an associate and he opened the box for me, I saw him check my ring finger and then look slightly foggy at the idea of the world I lived in. He was probably 17 or so. I pick a pretty cheap test, but not the cheapest because i worried it wouldn't even work.
I went to the quick lane and was back in the car in a flash. I drove home quickly, the test in the box yelling "HURRY UP! HURRY UP! I CAN TELL YOU THINGS!" WHen I got home I came inside and acted like I was okay. I set the box on the counter, kissed Lucas and thanked him over and over for letting me get the test. Then I told him I was going to take it.
* * * Pause for testing * * *
I set the stick on the counter and tried not to look at it as I washed and waited for the results. I couldnt help but glance and thought I saw a negative line that was not completely straight. Weird. I went into the kitchen and told Lucas it needed a few minutes. Then we waited.
I suddenly wanted him to be the one to make the final call. It would help him experience a bit of what I do when I do this. So with my fingers crossed I sat on the stool and said, "Lucas, will you check? I want you to tell me" Before he went in to read it I was suddenly filled with doubt. I'm sure as I sit here my monthly visitor is only hours away. I am sure that he is going to look at the stick and think "my wife has no ability to wait"
Lucas walks into the bathroom and comes out and doesn't say anything.
I can't even think.
He walks back in. Then he walks back out and doesn't look happy.
"It's negative isn't it?" I ask. He looks confused so I say "Wait, is it positive?!" He makes a confused face and says nothing. I stand up and go to look myself.
As I walk to him he goes, "I'm not really sure, I tried to give it another minute"
Not sure? what?!?!
SO I look and there I see the control line bright blue. The negative line is solid blue. Very very faintly there seems to be another line that would indicate that I was indeed pregnant. It was so faint we didn't know to trust it or not.
I say, "I think that's a yes. I think"
Lucas kinda laughs and says "Its like reading an 8 ball"
We decided to hope it said yes, but to wait a week and if my period did not come we would test again and hope for a more sure yes. If it happens than we get comfortable for the difficult journey of pregnancy.
FEELING GOOD PAST 40
It has been 42 days since my last run-in with the magic blue fluid. I'm feeling PRETTY good that that faint line may have actually meant something really is brewing in this cookie-loving belly of mine. I had to work today and its pretty slow, and I have been unable to keep myself off of google. I keep checking all the due date calculators to see what my possible due date would be. Looks like its somewhere between January 15th and 21st. A New Years baby (babies?) by chance?
If by chance I ovulated really late, I may be growing a little of this
According to one chart at five weeks pregnant our little one(s) look something like this
But fingers crossed, if our little pea is 6 weeks along, I'm packin' one of these
It sure would be nice to know for sure if we are going to be parents again soon for sure. I guess you are supposed to wait until 10 weeks until you go in for the first ultrasound. So I'm thinking we wait like 4 and a half to five weeks and go see what we can see. Fingers crossed that this is for real!!!!
I probably shouldn't mention this, but I would NOT be upset at all if the Lord decided to bless us with more than one this time.
We keep dreaming of twins, and it makes us want 2 at once. Or maybe it's our fear of pregnancy so 2 in 1 sounds great. Maybe its both. Maybe its twins?
LOOKING IT?NOPE FEELING IT? NOPE
It is hard to accept that I am pregnant, which we pretty much have done, because it is now May 26th and I haven't had a period since April 10th. I'd say that that and the super super faint positive tells us that there is a baby on the way.
However, its weird that we both feel like it can't happen. Its hard to get excited at all, like I wish I could. Today Lucas said,
"I bet something happened and your body just thinks it's pregnant" We both keep thinking it will probably be ectopic. It's hard to have the faith we desire.
I started taking folic acid vitamins the other day, just in case. And I am trying to eat only fruits and vegetables...just in case.
I guess when my period is like...ten weeks late, we should probably get an ultrasound or go to a Dr. or something.
I really want to go to Agape Birthing Center. It's in Rigby, which is 15 minutes south of here. The drive will probably seem ridiculously long when the big day comes (when and if I am really pregnant) but I really dont want to go to a hospital. I want to do it medicine free, and be able to move and birth however I want to. I want Lucas to be more involved than he would be allowed to at a hospital. I want to be able to get in the bath if I need to. Its the next best thing to giving birth at home, which I dont know if I would feel that comfortable with, especially after Molly.
In case it is twins or for any reason they are concerned, I'm sure I will have to deliver by Cesarean again, and if that is the case than there is no doubt I'll be int he hospital. But better to have a healthy baby than a dream delivery.
Fingers crossed!
SMELLY CAR
Yesterday we got some pizza.
Today the car still smelled like it. It smelled HORRIBLE.
I seemed to be the only one who was dying for fresh air.
I think that's a good sign.
SEVEN WEEKS?
If, by chance, we are seven weeks pregnant, then we've got a sweet little monkey bean to call our own.
It is so exciting and nerve wracking to imagine that there may already be a little heart beating, tiny webbed fingers, and a cute little monkey face in here somewhere.
Is it possible to already love something that we aren't sure is there?
I'm scared to believe it, even though the signs have started coming and the biggest sign (no monthly visitor) are all here. We just don't want to get hurt again. We don't want to go through another loss.
If the outcome cannot be changed, is it better to know and worry all along, or to be unaware and worry free for a while? I go back and forth.
We played racquetball today, and Lucas made a motion at my belly with his hands moving in a circle like drawing around my belly and said "Careful, honey"
It helps me believe this could happen when Lucas believes it could happen. I love him.
FIRST ULTRASOUND
Well, our first ultrasound was interesting and informative to say the least.
I have been very worried that this was going to be an ectopic pregnancy, because I have had random pain shooting through my lower abdomen whenever I twist when I'm getting up off the couch, or off a chair, or out of bed. As soon as we found a place that would take the BYU-I student insurance, we made an appointment for Friday a couple hours after our classes.
We were both so nervous for the next couple days and just kept thinking about it. I've said it before, but it felt like we were getting on the worlds most fun roller-coaster, but there is a chance that at the bottom of the hill we would run right into a brick wall. Stepping onto the ride is worth it. It's just hard to forget the brick wall could be looming there. Bringing all our hopes to an end.
Friday came, and I could not focus on anything important. I had a huge test to take, and didn't study at all in the morning because I couldn't get my mind to focus on anything but the ultrasound later. Lucas and I sat pretty silently in the car, both nervous and excited.
After briefly getting lost we finally found the Women's Clinic and went inside. We filled out a bunch of paperwork, which was hard because of the medical and unfriendly/uncaring way of asking about Molly. Previous Pregnancies__2____ Miscarriages ___1___ Cesareans ___1___ Carried to term____1___ alive____0___
I hated that zero. It would surely bring up tons of medical questions that, yes, they need to know, but I was sure they would handle it poorly. Most people in the medical world have a "seen it before" kind of attitude.
After we turned in the paperwork, we we called back to the nurses office. We would start with the Ultrasound. I was pretty sure I was 8.5 weeks along, but knew there was a chance I ovulated late so I was curious to see. We went back down a long hallway, and the super friendly tech said "I'll be doing your ultrasound today." and smiled very kindly, realizing that it may be awkward for me to talk to the person who will be ...seeing a bit too much of me. But she was really nice, and I guess I've developed a bit of the "seen it before" attitude as well.
She takes us into the room and I am super nervous as I see the ultrasound screen, the stirrups (gulp) and the big comfy chair for Lucas. She gives me a robe and asks me to go take off everything from the waist down and give them a urine sample. I get it done with a knot in my stomach. This is it. Brace for bad news.
So awkward happens and in just a minute we are looking at the screen waiting for the image of our baby to come on the screen.
We have had dreams of twins for months now. We prayed and told the Lord we would love them if we were supposed to have them. So imagine my surprise when I see two black sacs appear on the screen!
I noticed it before she pointed it out, though. There were definitely twin sacs. But, one was empty and one clearly had a little heart beat filled bean in it. I hoped she would move around and I would see a second baby, but I didn't. She pointed out our baby and its little heartbeat.
I was thrilled, but also a little sad to see that there was no second baby in that sac. I am beyond grateful to see one healthy baby forming, but the months of dreaming and hope and then to come so close was a bit of a let down. I got over it, and couldn't stop staring at our second little baby.
The tech explained where the head was, the "tail" and where the heartbeat was. It turns out I was 7 weeks and 1 day pregnant, so only a little behind where we thought, no big deal. She pointed out the sac and said "It looks like it started out with two in there, but nothing formed in the second sac." I looked at Lucas, we were both surprised, but I could tell he was disappointed, too. "That sac will probably be absorbed in the next few weeks, had you not had an early ultrasound you probably would never have known!" Looks like it would have been fraternal twins, which confuses me because as far as I know there are no twins in my family history. Tells me it was a bit of a miracle that didn't quite work out.
Both me and the baby had a perfectly strong heartbeat, and as she checked my ovaries and uterus she found that I had a cist on my right ovary, which is what caused the pain I was feeling (SO THRILLED it's not ectopic) She then looked around and said, "Did you know you have a curved uterus? Has anyone ever told you that?" I said that I had not known, but didn't know what she meant or if it was a big deal so I just kept staring at our baby.
The ultrasound finished and I got dressed, my mind spinning with thoughts of twins and our one healthy baby, if this means we could have twins in the future, and what inthe world a curved uterus means.
In another room, we waited until a practitioner came in to talk to us. She took a while to come in and when she did she said that she had a lot figured out from this ultrasound.
Turns out I have a bicornuate uterus or a "heart shaped" uterus. This is why Molly was always on one side, and this baby is implanted in the same side. They aren't sure how heart shaped it is, but it can be dangerous. She rolled her eyes when we said they hadn't noticed at any of our other appointments. She explained that the vanishing twin would reabsorb, but that we would need to be kept a close eye on because of the shape of my uterus and our history with Molly. (We gave her the quick story) She said I would receive many more ultrasounds and blood work to make sure everything was okay. It was possible we may need to deliver early if things get scary.
Even though it sounds scary and like a lot of tests and poking and prodding, I began to cry because I was so relieved to hear that they were taking this seriously. They were going to watch us closely. They weren't going to let us lose another one.
When she left, Lucas told me that he had a really good feeling about this place. We have thought about where we want to go, and had originally thought that we would go to a more "natural" place with no doctors and just midwives. But this felt better. Natural works, but apparantly I'm pretty high risk, so we feel good and taken care of here.
We both breathed a little easier. We were given a bunch of magazines and set an appointment for three weeks later to have blood tests done and possibly another ultrasound.
Here we go.
EIGHT WEEKS
I am 8 and a half weeks pregnant today.
It still doesn't quite feel real, except that my belly looks like I just ate a big meal or I had a treat-filled week, haha.
The other day I began to get a migraine, my third one since we found out I was pregnant, and Lucas went and got me a caffeine filled soda, which I drank as quickly as possible and then sat with my head wrapped in a robe blocking the light for about an hour. Miraculously, the headache only danced lightly in my head and never fully attacked. I felt so loved I said a thank-you prayer like 3 times.
Smells do bother me, but not yet as badly as they did with Molly. Yesterday I could not handle having Moose on me because he has this bad habit of yawning whenever he is close to our faces. It was rancid. Other than dog breath aimed at my nose, I've done alright.
Also, fruit makes me sick, I think. Almost after I eat anything I feel sick to my stomach, but nothing comes up. It usually takes half an hour to an hour and I will feel better again until its time to eat. I have noticed it is worse when I eat fruit, so I am taking prenatals. (Although I just at a peach, and feel fine so far. We'll see)
I am excited for our next appointment. The days go quickly because of schoolwork, so it will be nice to watch this next month fly, and then we are in CO for a month, so that one will fly and before I know it I'll be half done brewing this baby!
I can't stop thinking about the almost-twin. Heavenly Father is so amazing, how he listened to our prayers. I'm not sure why the twin didn't form, but I know there is a lesson in it. I am trying not to wish too much that at the next ultrasound that other twin will have appeared. Its pretty unlikely.
But seriously, twins dont even run in my family. Seeing that we originally were pregnant with twins blew our minds and excited us. Life is so amazing.
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I dont know why but I stopped blogging there. It may be our crazy busy schedules but it also is because I've never been a consistant blogger. I'll try and do better. I am about to go take by 17.5 week belly photo :)
