Monday, September 15, 2008

Getting Mouthy

Well, my good luck with getting my wisdom tooth out is GONE. After two easy days of being relatively pain free, something happened. My Uncle/dentist said that my blood clot came out or didn't form. So basically, I have a whole in my mouth and its exposing my open jaw and it HURTS. Its a "dry socket". I guess he said its really common with smokers or people who drink a lot of soda through a straw, and I am neither. Oh well.

During my "pain free" period I got to see a lot of old friends. Lesley came over to my house and hung out with me and Kristen and Jonni. We sat on my awesome twin bed in my parents house and talked. It's weird to be home, but its so comfortable I can't complain. We all talked and laughed. The next day Lesley invited us to go bowling with the singles ward. I thought that would be fun, and maybe we could meet some people to be friends with. I also wanted to meet the boy Les is interested in right now, Scott.

So Kristen and I drove to the bowling Alley and met Jonni and Lesley there. Kristen ended up bowling with her brothers and her sister-in-law and I stayed with the ward. It was a really good time. While we were waiting in line I kept watching this guy who looked really familiar. I thought he was pretty cute but I couldn't remember how I knew him. He kept giving me a similar look. Finally I asked him if he was from the Crowfoot Ward and he said yes. He told me "I think you tried to make me feel awkward like two years ago" HAHA! "sounds like me.." He goes "Yeah bowling, and playing volleyball, and at the church" haha HOW FUNNY! I guess I need to pay more attention. He is pretty cute so I can see why I would have chose him to tease a couple years ago. He said I looked different, and after a few minutes of talking he told me that he only came bowling to find a date for his friend, Robbie. He asked if I would go on a double with them and go as Robbie's date. I said sure, and then he left. His name is Nate. So that was a nice start, but I still feel weird going on dates with boys who aren't Jamie.

While bowling I made a bet with another kid, Jason, that whoever won would owe the other person Ice cream. Another kid, Jared, got in on it too. I won, I rock at bowling. I love it! So now I have an ice cream date for tomorrow with Jason, and another date with Jared later in the week to have a picnic. I dont know that I have any interest in any of these boys, because I'm not used to feeling single. I guess I felt interested in Christian, but that had built up for months. For now I can't get Jamie off my mind.

Saturday Morning my family got in the car early and drove to Wyoming to see my cousin get married. I hadn't seen him in YEARS and he looked totally different. I met his fiance and it was her wedding day/19th birthday! That makes it easy for Levi (my cousin!) Married at 19..that seems so young, but its worked before I'm sure it will work again. She is also due to have a baby in 5 months, and they both looked so happy.

(My brother, sister, and me in the car for the road trip)

When she was walking down the isle (this was my first non-mormon wedding, it was really fun) I watched my cousin where he was standing. His eyes were watering and he looked so happy. He just stared at her face and looked like everything in his life were perfect. It was so cute I coudlnt stop smiling, and if I knew my cousin better I probably would have been crying. Wedding are cute. It made me miss Jamie though. I think the wall I put up to keep my emotions about leaving Hawaii is getting some holes in it.

We stayed the night Saturday night at my great Uncle Earl's Ranch. He lives in the middle of NOWHERE in Wyoming. You can stand outside there house and look all around and as far as you can see its just weeds trees cows and hay. Its really peaceful. I couldn't sleep because of my tooth hurting so bad, and got up at 4 am. I talked to my Aunt Sue in the kitchen while she had coffee. We talked about Racism because I'm reading the book "Invisible Man" which is hard to read because of the violence. Racism is something that isn't a part of me, I can't imagine hating someone for something that matters so little- if at all.

Earl got up to talk to us and walked me out into the field to watch the sunrise coming up over the hill. It was beautiful. Bright orange sreaks cross the sky, and the lack of city or buildings or people. It was unreal. Earl said "Thats how you know there's a God" and I nodded. He told my dad later he gave me a spiritual lesson. I love old people.

Well Jamie called me on the drive home, which was a nice thing to think about aside from the tooth pain. I had upped my prescription amount to two vicadin pills instead of one because one didn't do anything. Jamie called and we talked. I love him. He told me he loved me and that he is doing everything he can to show me that he wants the church in his life. He told me he had a talk with his brother that was amazing. He told me that he is trying to become who he wants to be, while I am here trying to become who I want to that we can be happy together. I told him I didn't know if we would end up together, or if maybe we were a necessary step to make us both really know what we want in life. But I am happy for him. I cried for a while when we got off the phone. I miss him, but I'm glad he's trying.

I went to the dentist this morning and he filled my tooth with nasty brown "Dry Socket Gel" that tastes gross but it took my pain away. I couldn't be happier. :)

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

like pulling teeth

My friend, Christian, dropped me off at the aiport on Monday night. We went and ate at Wahoo's fish taco just before and got in a fake public fight that made the people around us very uncomfortable. It was really fun, then for my last hour on the beautiful island of Oahu we decided to go sit on the beach.

We sat there and talked and played and watched a cargo ship sail away. He told me to put sand in my pocket, and I did, and its weird how happy it made me to feel it in my pocket. Like I found a loophole to leaving and I CAN take the beach with me! I WISH!

After having fun and talking and saying goodbye to the island we went to the airport. I had tons of stuff and had to pay 140 to check my extra luggage, even AFTER christian repacked my bag to make everything fit the weight limits. He stood and watched me until I made it through security and we waved "goodbye for now" to eachother.

I knew flying away was going to be so hard for me. Everything inside me told me to get my stuff and run off the plane and back to the place that I love. I wanted to yell out something crazy and get kicked off the plane for bad behavior. But instead I sat there smiling away so that maybe if I acted happy to be going on a trip maybe I wouldn't lose my cool and cry all over the shoulder of the poor guy I was sitting next to. He was already popping anxiety pills the whole time, he didn't need a blubbering baby next to him right? I watched the movie "What happens in Vegas" and once it ended I slept the whole flight. When the plane landed I went and found my connecting flight and curled up on two seats hugging my carry on luggage and slept for the three and a half hour layover. I woke up just in time to be the last one on my plane, and I sat down for the last half of my trip.

I decided to text Christian to thank him for his help. And to email Jamie and tell him I miss him and I am thinking about him, but I coudln't find my phone. Everyone was sitting down and the flight attendants were closing all the open overhead storage compartments, and I was panicking. I asked the lady next to me if she would let me out so I could search for my phone. I got up and ran to the front of the plane where I was told to go sit down.

"I lost my phone, I think I left it out there in the gate seating area."
I looked and saw the plane door was closed and the Captain was waiting on us. The lady looked annoyed but she also looked like she felt bad, and asked me what kind of phone it was.
"A red blackberry" to which the captain said "haha! that makes no sense! a RED BLACKberry?" he laughed and opened his window and yelled out to whoever was standing in the little laundry tube thing, and said "Did you see a phone out there, in the seating?" they asked me where I was sitting and the captain yelled to the people in the airport directions and i went back to my seat, feeling like I lost my phone forever. Then the captain walks up to my seat with my phone, and the lady next to me was more shocked than me. "That was LUCKY" ...i know.

Shortly after take off i let myself fall asleep. When I woke up we were thirty minutes from landing, and I started talking to the old guy next to me on the other side. He told me he was on his way to his Fathers funeral, at age 90. I asked him what his family name was so I could pray for him and he said "Goodmanson" I told him that his last name was so happy it made me happy. and he said "My parents named me Goody" Goody Goodmanson. What an incredible name! He was so cute. When I was walking to baggage claim I yelled goodbye to my friend Mr. Goodmanson, and went to my bags.

I only waited five minutes and all 4 of my bags were right there, I grabbed them and waited for my Dad and Mom to show up to come pick me up.

It was So good to see my dad. As soon as I saw him, the wall I put up to keep myself from breaking down with sadness about Jamie, Kelsey, Hawaii, and now Christian got weaker, and I instantly hugged him and started crying. He made me smile by telling me a joke and patting my head. We walked to the car where my adorable mom came out and hugged me, looking SO happy to have me back. It felt good to be with them. I cried again every half hour or so, but never very hard. Just enough for my Dad to get sad too and make me laugh so we would both be happy.

I went home to my adorable Acres Green home. I love it here. My dog, Hurley, who I bought in college as a puppy and then gave to my family when I was moving HUGE! She's a gorgeous and friendly and adorable dog. I love her so much its not even healthy. I saw my younger brother, Eli, and gave him a hug. He is about a foot or so taller than I remembered and very cool still. Then I saw Emily, who is a full blown teenager. SO much attitude haha but she sure has gotten pretty.

One of my best friends, Jonni, came over to see me. It was great to see her and she looked great! We hung out at my house and I played with Eli and talked to Jonni and watched some TV which is weird because i am not a huge TV watcher. Then Jonni and I went to her new house which I have never seen. It suits her family, I liked it. Then Kristen thorne, another of my best friends, joined us and we all hung out and laughed and had fun for the night.

Its good to see everyone, and its good to not feel like a guest in someones house all the time. Or like I am always under the watchful eye of my employer. Its very comfortable. But I really miss Kelsey, and Jamie. Its almost unbearable.

I have to go unpack.

ALSO- My wisdom tooth has been bugging me for like a month, and I had a dentist appointment with my uncle who has been my dentist forever. I got my tooth pulled this morning and my mouth is so numb right now. I love it. Everyone always complains about the pain, but I don't feel anything, and didn't feel anything while he took it out. So far so good, right?

Monday, September 8, 2008

I need a blizzard in paradise

I will only live in Hawaii for 8 more hours. It has been 18 unbelievable and amazing months of living in paradise. I came here to work as a nanny. I moved to a life where I knew nobody, didn't know the hawaiian way of life, had zero friends, didn't even know the people with whom I would be living. I was terrified to move here to a world of unknowns. I have always liked change, and the idea of a fresh start was equally as exciting as it was terrifying.

Luckily when I got here it took only a short while and I had made a few close friends, and got into what turned into a long term relationship with Jamie. I LOVED my job, since I was watching the smartest, and most adorable little girl ever to live on the Earth. I promise, you wont believe me until you meet her and before you know it you are wrapped around her pudgy little finger. I'm going to miss holding her little hands so much, she was my best bud here all day everyday. It felt amazing to be excited for work after a long weekend away from that little girl.

Saying Goodbye to Kelsey was rushed, and really really difficult for me. I had mentally prepared myself to keep a wall up so I wouldn't lose my control in front of her and freak her out. I went over to her house (I moved into Jamie's apartment for a few days since he's on a surf trip) and she was getting ready to eat lunch. She talked to me and her Grandma for a while, then they ate lunch. I asked if I could have some time to take Kelsey in the front yard and play with her for a minute and say Goodbye to her. Bill said Yes, and I appreciated it. She got down from her chair and grabbed my hand and we went out to her swing in the front tree. I pushed her in the swing and told her how much I loved her and would miss her.

"where you going?"
"back to Colorado, to see my family. I'll miss you so much"
"I go swimming and then I go with you?"
"I wish you could, but you get to stay here and play with Mommy and Daddy and Grandma and Grandpa"
"I want to go with you"

I want you too. How can I love a little girl so much, who isn't even mine? She was 10 months old when I started and is now 2 and a half. She became my oxygen here. I had a LOT of hard times in Hawaii, but she made it all worth it. If I was sad I could always count on her pressing her face on mine and telling me to not cry and not be sad.

I'll need her next to me on the plane as I fly away from the life I love here. I'll have to pretend to feel her hands on my face and her nose on mine as she calms me down. She can be so truly comforting sometimes I wonder who helped who more. I kept her fed, and safe, and taught her colors and games, and she gave me so so much more than that. I'll miss you my little friend. :(

Jamie already flew away, but I'm sitting her on his couch bawling my eyes out. How can one person feel so lonely? My friend Christian has been spending a lot of time with me, and it has helped keep me happy. He makes me laugh, and I really enjoy his company. Too bad whenever I'm alone this past week I can't keep myself from crying. I need some snow to keep the plane from flying away.

Right before Jamie left he ran to where I was crying in the car and held up his hands in the "I LOVE YOU" sign. I love you too, so much. I'll miss you everyday.

"I love you, Kelsey."
"thanks you. I love you. I LOVE YOU. You're my nanny, you hold me always"

I'm so sad.

Friday, September 5, 2008

Goodbye, Love

Single. I have been single in a long time, and while I know that the decision I made was the right one...NOT being Jamie's girlfriend feels weird to me. Like someone gave me a scratchy "single" sweater and I can't get it to fit.

Jamie and I spent our last day together helping him get ready for his trip, and cuddling/crying. We both had our emotions under control most of the day, with only a few random bursts into tears. Once one of us gave in the other would too, until we decided to start doing something else to regain composure. It was so weird, do be able to watch the clock steal away the last minutes of a relationship. I hated that I couldn't stop the clock. Funny how doing the right thing can be so hard. Actually, its not funny at all! It is absolutely un-funny and very unfair. At least we both know that we had a good thing, and that when it ended it was because it was right. The only break up I have had that has ended with both of us having complete love and respect for eachother, and parting because we DO want the best thing for eachother- even if it that means a life not as a couple.

Once we made it to the airport and he got his surfboard checked in and paid for he came out to the car to say goodbye. We hugged and I instantly burst into tears. I know its not the last time I'll see him, but I know its the last time I will see him as my boyfriend. He was really calm and collected, and his eyes watered up. I think he wanted to be strong for me, because if he lost it- then I had no hope of surviving my drive away from the airport and into the unknown and lonely world of single city.

I am hanging out with a friend tonight, he's a boy. Its going to be strange to hang out with someone who isn't Jamie all alone. He is very aware of what is going on with me though, so I'm pretty sure I'll be fine.

Oh, a year and a half isn't that long, but its long enough for me to feel strange in my new scratchy clothes.

Thursday, September 4, 2008


Jason, my older brother, turns 25 today. It's weird watching everyone get older. My younger sister, Emily, is DRIVING. That is even more strange than Jason being 25. I hope its a happy day for Jason!... wont be for me.

I have to say "Goodbye" to Jamie tonight. We had our last dinner and movie night last night, and on the way home I just started crying, but forced myself to stop so I could enjoy my time with him instead of getting snot all over our last few moments. I'm getting really good and controlling my crying. I never used to be so emotional- I hope this goes away once my life becomes less traumatic.

I got up at 6 o'clock today because I wanted to be awake as long as I could today. I wont even see Jamie until the afternoon but i just didn't want to sleep through my last day with him. As soon as I start thinking about the drive to the aiport, or actually leaving- my eyes start watering and I have to snap out of it by thinking of something else completely. I am so so sad/heatbroken.

Its so weird, I have known this was coming, and known it had to come, but have been completely unprepared for how I would feel. I expected to feel sad/lonely/miserable. Instead I feel sad/lonely/miserable/guilty. The guilt of leaving him is worse pain than you can imagine. Its like I know its the right thing to do, but it doesn't make it any easier. I think i know its the right thing....

what am I doing?!

Wednesday, September 3, 2008


Sarah and I had a great final two days of vacation. Sunday we went to Pearl Harbor, it was about to close so we weren't able to ride the boat out to the Arizona Memorial but we still walked aroudn the museum and read signs all about it. We were planning on hiking the "Stairway to Heaven" aka the Haiku Stairs, for the sunrise in the morning so we went hom early and went to bed.

While I was asleep Sarah finished reading one of my Favorite books "My Sister's Keeper" by Jodi Picoult. I highly recommend it- it will move you.

We got up at 2:00 a.m. and met some friends over in Kaneohe, then drove to the stairway. The stairway is a 4,000 step hike up the edge of the mountain. It is absolutely beautiful, and a major work out. I was overly energetic due to getting less sleep than I needed, but enough for energy, but everyone else was sleepy. After a while, we made it to the first landing, where the boys decided to take a nap. Sarah and I stayed with them on the landing for a while, then decided to hike the other 2/3 of the hike ourselves to make it to the top. We were so happy when we finally finished the hike! We were also WAY tired, and our legs were shaking out of control the whole way down. Once at the bottom we met up with the sleeping boys, and then they took us to breakfast to make up for letting us hike the rest alone.

We spend the rest of the afternoon and early evening on the north shore, eating an acai bowl, and then laying and playing at Waimea Bay. It was really really fun. I was really sad to have to take her back to the airport, but luckily this time I will be seeing her again sooner than later! I haven't laughed so hard in a long time, its so fun to be completely understood by someone. Miss you, Sarah!


My new music obsession is James Morrison. He was a featured guest on Jason Mraz's album We Sing. We Dance. We steal things, in the song Details in the fabric (Which is where I got my blog title) He has an amazing voice that gives me chills when I listen to it.

Also big news: I am moving back to Colorado on September 9th! While I am excited to see everyone in Colroado and get back to my old life, I am also very very very sad to leave everyone I love here in hawaii.

Jamie and i have been together for a year and a half, and while we have broken up once or twice we can never manage to stay away from eachother for very long. We fell in love fairly quickly, and me moving is going to hurt worse than I can even explain. He leaves for a surfing trip in Nicaragua with his brother TOMORROW. so tonight and tomorrow are the only days I get go see him until we live thousands of miles apart.

I also have been getting limited time with Kelsey, the little girl I have been a nanny for in Hawaii. I adore her SO much. I'm completely depressed that I will move home and slowly she will forget me, nobody remember their two year old nanny. :( I'll have to stay in tough, even though things with her mom are REALLY weird right now. Its more important to me to know Kelsey as she grows up than to avoid awkwardness around her mom.

I have to go continue packing. Is this really happening?!