Tuesday, November 29, 2011


I was on autopilot a little while ago and I uploaded all our pictures of Kellen to the page "Kellen's Pictures". However, when Lucas saw them there he asked me to remove them. He said he wasn't ready to let everyone we know share that moment with us.

Feeling as though I had been insensitive and careless I understood, agreed, and took them down.

Today, I remembered I had pictures of Kellen on my phone. Lucas also has many on his phone. One day I am sure we will share them all, but today I will show you one that made my heart skip a beat.

I love my son. I miss him like crazy today.

I have had three people write me and tell me that they have had dreams about Kellen, and one recently who had a dream about Molly. I love hearing that others are being moved by and dream about my children. Except, everytime I tell Lucas about the dream that a friend or family member had about one of our kids he has the same response, "It's not fair. I want to dream about them. I want to see them."

I agree. We haven't dreamed about them. We are aching to see them, even in a dream. Finding these pictures I forgot were on my phone was kinda like dreaming about him on demand. It felt good. It also made me sad.  

I didn't manage to go to work today. It's 1 o'clock and I'm still in my pajamas, moose is beyond bored staring out the window. Lucas is at work. And I'm sitting here blogging and staring at pictures of Kellen. This complete lack of motivation is really making me guilty. It would help if I had a job I didn't hate. Or if I felt like going to work is what I should be doing- instead of the feeling I have that I should be home raising my kids. I can't seem to convince my body, feelings, or spirit that my kids aren't here. It is hard to listen to the part of me that obviously knows they are in heaven. The logical realistic part. That part of me says, "Staying home is helping nobody. You are wasting time and being idle. You need to get off the computer and go to work. You need to help Lucas make some money. You need to just FACE it." But the REST of me says, "It's been two weeks.  Just take it easy. Barely keeping it together is enough work for now. Those other distractions will never succeed at distracting you from what has happened. Face it when you're ready."

My friend Kristen just said to me, " It's hard to go back to the everyday when something that made your life very special is missing."  Exactly. Sad today.

Monday, November 28, 2011

Back to it?

Today life is supposed to go back to the way it was before Kellen. Lucas got up and went to work. I'm physically healing enough that I could probably go back to work.

But, I couldn't do it. I couldn't go there and face the people who just weeks ago told me how cute my belly was. I can't go back to the job that was just a temporary solution to affording Kellen, but is now the only thing I have to fill my time with for a long time to come.

I dont want to start life again. I want to have everything in life revolve around my children all the time, but how can it when they aren't here? It is hard for me to accept that I'm going to have to leave this apartment eventually. I'm going to have to face people. Answer phone calls. Answer emails. I'm going to have to face that we are here and our kids are there.

Luckily, we are feeling okay. Overwhelmed by life moving on. Mad that the Earth still spins. But, we are in pretty good moods. Lucas and I have laughed ourselves crazy. (Laughing totally hurts a healing c-section) We feel loved and light. We feel that we know the steps to start recovering from another loss.

But I dont want to start yet. I want to look at pictures of him. I want to write about him. I want to talk to him. I want to look at pictures of her. I want to write about her. I want to talk to her. That's about all I have a desire to do.
I'm so blessed to have a husband who is stronger than me. He goes to work because we need it. He is able to go into the world and pretend we're okay. Why can't I face it?

Maybe, I'll start small. Today I'll do the dishes and go to the bank. Then I'll answer an email. Maybe tomorrow I'll talk to my job about when I'll go back.

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Kellen's memorial service

The day of Kellen's service was very very difficult. We had decided to keep it intimate with just our parents, siblings and their families. I'm glad we did because this time around, I was not nearly as strong.

I knew I wanted to say something over the grave, but was completely blank. During the days prior we had planned how we wanted the service to go. I knew my turn to speak would come but as I tried to plan the words to say all I wanted to do was scream. I wanted to pound my fists on the ground and yell until I couldn't yell anymore.  I wanted to break something. I wanted to get a blanket and lay on the ground next to my babies and ask everyone to please just leave me there.

Giving up is not an option, though. So, I went through the days in Colorado like a robot until suddenly we were in the car on the way to the service and still I had no clue what words to leave with my son in the ground.

Lucas had realized what he wanted to say while in the shower that morning, and had a few notes scribbled on a small yellow notepad. I grabbed his notepad and while we drove I suddenly felt as if the prayers of strength that we said and that other people were praying for us were answered all at once. I put the pen on the paper and wrote and wrote. I began to cry as I knew the words that I wanted my children to hear, and the words I needed to hear myself say. It came to me from somewhere else. I wrote as fast as I could to catch up with the thoughts that came pouring into my head from where the faith of other people gathered.

When I finished I was crying and we had a few minutes left in the car. Lucas pulled off the highway. I said, "I'm already crying. I'm going to lose it today. I'll be crying so hard nobody will understand me." Lucas said, "That's okay." He rested his hand on my leg and squeezed it a little.

A minute later,  Lucas said, "I want to break something."
I replied, "Me too. We should go to a driving range and go nuts."
He said, "Seriously. It felt so good the other night to throw rocks as hard as I could to break the ice on your parents pond." I smiled. I totally understood. Being here again is too hard. It's much easier to want to put all our feelings into one little rock and throw it away from us as hard as we possibly can. 

Minutes later, we arrived and Lucas and I were led into Kellen's viewing room. We had a few minutes alone while we waited for our families. We walked up to our son and looked at how incredibly cute he was. I wanted to stay there with him forever.

A brick came out of the emotional wall I had built as I realized the moment had come. We really were standing in the viewing room with the body of our second child to leave us too soon. I couldn't take it. I turned to Lucas and cried softly into his chest. He put his arms around me and we hugged for a while trying to brace ourselves for the coming hour.

Soon our families were arriving. Lucas' family came in and some of my family. Then more of my family arrived. My friend, Kristen, who was there to take pictures came and saw him, and we kept waiting.

My parents arrived and brought in the room with them the flowers for the top of the casket and for the table out at the graveside where the casket would lay during the service. I went and looked at them. They were beautiful white flowers that looked light and perfect mixed with greens and blues. However, I wasn't sure why they were there. Last time the flowers seemed to just appear where they were needed. These belonged outside.

My mom told me that one of the bunches of flowers would go on the top of the casket so I took it and carried it over to a chair. Lucas asked about it and said he wasnt sure he wanted to carry the casket with the flowers on it. Everyone was looking at me waiting for me to decide what to do with the flowers.

I broke. I started crying and said (unfortunately, probably rudely) "I don't know! I just don't care about flowers right now." I was second from actually screaming. I just wanted my babies. I am in no state of mind to make decisions. I just needed people to make them for me and just do things. Quite simply, I didn't have enough energy to put a smile on, stand in this room with the body of my son, and care about anything else.

My mom hurried over to me and put her arms around me. I was feeling both appreciative and angry. Grieving is weird. I wanted her to hug me forever and also let go. I wanted to keep getting mad and also apologize for not being more patient. So I just hugged her for a while, then said, "Lucas doesn't want to carry the casket with the flowers." My mom nodded and my parents took all the flowers and gave them to the funeral people to get them where they needed to be.

When they came back everyone gathered together in the room. We stood close together, almost shoulder to shoulder - Lucas' family and mine. Kellen and Molly's family. Then my dad said an amazingly beautiful prayer that calmed me down. It made me feel peace again. It made me want to give Kellen this day. I could make it through this for him.  After the prayer we stood in silence for minute then I realized nobody knew what to do. I told everyone to get in their cars and go wait behind the hearse so Lucas and I could close the casket together and Lucas could carry Kellen to the hearse.

When they left,we walked over to Kellen. We stood over our son's body and looked at him for the last time. I touched his tiny head. I said to both of them, "I don't want to close it." The tears came back and I whispered things to Kellen. Told him I love him and miss him.

Lucas went over to the table to get the blanket I had spent many hours making for Kellen. We decided to bury him with it. It was the first blanket I had ever made and it took me many many hours. The blanket made me emotional because it was a physical way for me to make sure that as Kellen rests in the ground he can be wrapped in my love.

Carefully, we wrapped him in the blanket. He looked handsome and cozy. I looked at Lucas and saw tears silently falling down his cheeks. I leaned forward and gave my son a final kiss and said goodbye. We closed the lid. We cried for a minute, both of us keeping a hand on the casket. We wanted to go back in time and open it again, somehow make it so Kellen was alive. But we also knew that in order to heal we needed to move forward. This was a step we had to make. So we hugged, wiped away our tears and pulled ourselves together.

Lucas carried Kellen then, in that tiny white box, out the door. Our families were in their cars in a line waiting for us. I followed Lucas and Kellen, and once the casket was securely in the car we grabbed hands and got in our car to follow him down to where he would rest next to his sister.

Once at the graveside we saw the familiar green tent and rows of chairs in the same place where they were set up for Molly's service. Lucas carried Kellen's casket from the car to a table between the flowers. The funeral people got the balloons out and ready for the balloon release.  Everyone came and took a seat for the service or stood behind the chairs. The weather was perfect and the cemetery looked beautiful.

Lucas stood up and began the service. He thanked everyone for coming and explained that anyone who wanted to share something was welcome to do so after he and I shared what we needed to.

Then, as he always does, he spoke with power and love. He shared a scripture from the Book of Mormon and some of his words he spoke to me, some to our children. He shared some things he has realized about trials and about how God loves us. He shared how he saw different ways we had been prepared for this.  He gave me courage as I watched him. He is an amazing man, husband, and today especially, an amazing father. I know as he spoke his children were proud of who he is and that they are his.

When he finished I stood.  I shared that this was hard to be doing again, but that it was a blessing. I tried to explain the ways our children would continue to bless our lives and how the motivation to get back to them and make them proud would heal the hearts that miss them now. I shared my testimony of Jesus Christ and how it is through Him that we know we will see our beautiful babies in perfect, celestial, resurrected bodies again. When I finished I felt peaceful. I felt that I had said the things that I wanted my kids to know. I ended saying that I knew we could do it, Lucas and I. The struggle to live in a way that would make us worthy of such pure children was not going to beat us. We would get our children back.

When I finished I sat down and Lucas' dad stood. He spoke mostly to Lucas and I. He shared that he knew we were meant for something big. That Lucas and I were going to be able to help people because of our experience here. One of my favorite things he said was that we were going to be called to do some difficult things, and we were already being called to have patience and endurance. Then he pointed to Kellen's casket and said, "This will be your reward." My heart swelled and I knew there was no greater reward than the joy that will come when we are reunited with both Molly and Kellen.

Next, Lucas' mom stood. She shared with us her feelings and her love for both of us. Then she shared a poem a friend of hers had written about this loss. She shared a bit of her testimony and then she smiled at us with tear filled eyes and sat down next to me.

Next my dad stood. He pulled out a couple sheets of paper and I could see tons of his handwritten notes with words crossed out and to me it looked as though he had struggled all night to put his heart down on paper. His chin quivered as he shared with us his love and his testimony of the gospel. He cried as he shared with us a story of how God gave both him and my mom the strength to make it through her cancer. A second story about how when he climbed with my brother to base camp of Mt Everest he thought he could go no further. The Lord was with him on that mountain and when he could walk no more, the Lord gave him strength. It was perfect.

When he finished we sat for a second and listened to the sniffles of our family members. There was a peace there as it seemed that all that needed to be said had been.

Finally, it was time for Lucas to place Kellen in the grave. If you have never seen your husband place your baby in the ground, I will tell you there are few things harder to watch.  Also, that watching it a second time is like having your heart ripped out and changed forever so it will never go back in and feel right.

Once Kellen was placed in the ground Lucas stood up. It was time to dedicate the grave and for Lucas to place a blessing on the ground where Kellen would rest. We waited for a second and I watched his face. Lucas is a strong man. He rarely cries. He cried a bit at our wedding, and other than that I have only seen him cry for Molly and Kellen. Right now I saw pure pain on his face.

I could see that placing Kellen in the ground was the straw that broke him. He looked as though he wanted to run away. As the tears began to fall down his face I  wrapped my arms around him. He whispered, "I don't think I can do this." I touched his face and whispered to him words to try and comfort him. Normally it is Lucas who gives me courage at times like these, but now I was trying with all I had to hold his breaking heart together. Our family disappeared in that moment. It was just us standing there and suddenly we both knew Molly and Kellen were with us. They gave us strength to say say goodbye.

When Lucas felt ready he gave a BEAUTIFUL blessing. I cried my eyes out. I was so proud of him and of our children. I saw my husband strengthened by them and by the Lord. It gave me strength.

When Lucas finished my brother, Jason offered a prayer to close the service. Again, the words he spoke were perfect and powerful. I couldn't keep from crying despite the strength I was feeling. When he closed his prayer, everyone gathered in the grass a little way off from where Kellen and Molly lay and took a balloon. Then, Lucas let go of the only blue balloon, and I let go of a white one for Molly. Silently, everyone else let go of their balloons and as it usually is, we stood in awe of the beautiful symbolism of watching them float away. We watched a blue and white balloon, Kellen and Molly, leading our family- just as it really is. 

When the balloons were out of sight and the service was over everyone began to talk and hug. We thanked people individually for their words and help. I took a flower out of the bunches and kneeled on the ground next to the hole where my son laid. I reached inside and placed a white flower with him. My last physical gift. As my eyes watered I felt peace and closure. I cleaned off Molly's marker, and took one of the flower bunches and gave it to her. I want her to know that we are thinking of her too, today. Lucas came over and helped me up off the ground.

In some ways this service was much harder than Molly's. In other ways it was easier. However, it felt right. Since it ended Lucas and I have felt lighter and happier. We have been able to know that we reached into our hearts and shared the words with our children, family, and ourselves that we needed in order to keep walking.

Now that is what we have to do. We keep walking. We keep loving Kellen. We keep loving Molly. We keep breathing. We keep trying. We never give up because one day they wont be in the ground. They will be with us.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011


Kellen's service is tomorrow morning. I'm nervous about it because I want it to be perfect but I still have a hard time making decisions. We have decided to keep it just immediate family this time. I dont think either Lucas or I would be able to feel the spirit of the day because of the anxiety of a big service. So, it is going to be small and I hope it will be beautiful and memorable.

We are going to have a balloon release for Kellen, like we did for Molly. This time we will release a white balloon for Molly. She's just part of the family and that makes me happy. A friend of ours is doing Kellen's flowers, and the funeral home basically takes care of everything else. It's a pretty basic service, but I am nervous.

I think I'm mostly scared of having my sadness come out in front of everyone. Knowing a rush of emotions is coming is probably what is really making me nervous, more so than the words I will share with everyone there and with my son.

Today Lucas and I decided to spend some time alone. It was really nice. We laughed a lot and held hands the whole time. We went and got IHOP. It was delicious (though it made me sick--worth it). Then we went to the Mall to try and find a baby blue tie for Lucas to wear tomorrow and a baby blue shirt for me to wear.

We went to a store and because I know how much Lucas dislikes shopping, we split up to better "man shop". Lucas said he went up to the tie section, and because everyone is getting ready for Christmas, baby blue ties are long gone. He looked everywhere and said everything was in deep colors and he didn't want a deep blue tie. He wanted a matching baby blue paisley tie since his baby pink tie for Molly was paisley. He couldn't find it so he said a quick prayer asking for help. He then had a feeling to walk around a corner and go to a table. He looked around and it was all Christmas ties, then right there stuck between two completely different ties was the only baby blue paisley tie there. It was amazing! Blessing.

Meanwhile, I was downstairs and walked through the whole store and found the same problem. Baby blue is not in season, and there is nothing there. Finally against the back wall I see a baby blue shirt. I go grab it and it is a button up blouse in the perfect color in exactly my size. I tried it on and it was perfect. I know ties are expensive so I was worried about how much it would cost, and checked the price tag.    $5.95. I think that might be the least expensive item in all of Park Meadows Mall. Blessing.

So we were able to find and afford everything we needed. We were helped with even the simplest of errand. It is wonderful the way things work out when the last thing we need is stress and there are prayers of wonderful people helping us to be blessed in even the small things.

That made me happy today.

Monday, November 21, 2011


Last week I think Lucas and I were in states of shock. It was hard to feel anything. Slowly, I felt myself feeling more. Like my protective covering is coming off. I thought I knew what emotions to expect, having been through this before. However, I think both of us have been surprised to find that this feels just as painful and shocking as last time. We hurt. It's pain like you wouldn't believe.  But our emotion and grief are showing their faces in different ways.

One night last week I cried from the moment I got in bed for hours until I had no more energy and finally fell asleep. Lucas tried to console me, and I went from sadness to anger to acceptance and back again. I woke up the next morning with a face so swollen I could barely see out the tiny slits I had for eyes. The next day I felt better. I felt ready to make peace with what has happened and to accept the blessing Kellen has been given.
I haven't made it a single day without crying.
I also haven't made it a single day without laughing- moments that allow us to breath again.

Then, last night both Lucas and I fought off feelings of anger and self pity as we try and accept this.
It was a hard day to be in my head.
We met with the funeral home where Molly is buried and where Kellen will be buried this week. It was hard to be there again. I'm still not much for making decisions. I began to sweat and feel anxiety as they asked questions to see what we wanted for the memorial service.

Deciding anything is nearly impossible because I know one day I will care what decisions we make this week, but right now it's hard to care about anything but wanting our babies back. Nothing is keeping our attention for very long and everything feels so unimportant. I remember feeling this last year, too. We try to watch a movie and the plot seems pointless. It's hard to care about anything that doesn't involve getting our children back.

I have felt needlessly offended by people who act as though this is less painful because he was still-born, unlike Molly who survived for 8 hours. I have wanted to scream at people who's pained looks are softer than last time, and my grieving side assumes it's because he was more premature than Molly and maybe for some strange reason that makes them believe he was LESS baby, less our son, less important.
I want to tell these people that this is every bit as hard as it was last time. We are just as broken, and in need of support from our loved ones. Kellen is as much our son as he would have been had we held him alive. If we had him for years. He is just as important and loved as any baby is ever loved by their parents.

We do feel the same peace and knowledge that came from study and prayer after Molly, and in that way it is a bit easier. However, we were also caught by surprise as the thing that was about to mend our broken hearts instead was lost, and our hearts broke even more. A healing scar was ripped open, literally and metaphorically.

Luckily, our stages of grief have not been steady, and we keep having moments of feeling pure happiness. These have been blessings I could not have believed.

For example, the plots in the cemetery where Molly is resting fill up depressingly fast.  Yesterday we sat and talked with the funeral director who brought us a map of the cemetery so we could pick where to put Kellen. I knew that in the last year it would have filled enough that he would likely be quite far from his sister.  She showed us the highlighted space that showed us where our sweet baby girl is resting, and as though it were reserved just for him, there were spaces both above and below her, available for Kellen. I was so happy and felt so blessed that my children would be next to each other that I cried at the table. Then my dad cried, then my mother-in-law cried. It was a beautiful, wonderful surprise.

We went outside and decided to put Kellen right above Molly, and forever that little square of land will hold my heart. It was like a little band aid that their bodies would be together. As though, with them far from one another,  it would have actually split my heart into more pieces so I could be with both.

What a blessing.


I feel very weird posting this, but I have had quite a few people ask about where to send donations for Kellen and have not known what to say.
It feels strange to accept money, as though we are being greedy.  I have received many kind emails that have touched me so deeply. The thought that so many of you have offered to help our family has blown me away. I am humbled by you, yet again.

Please do not take this as us asking for more help, but rather as a response to those who have shown a desire to give something to our baby.

A friend of ours has given us a gift by setting up a paypal account and blog. You can go HERE to the page she has set up.
Donations for Kellen's grave marker can also be sent to:
Care of: Rent-A-Center
Lucas Taylor
485 N. 2nd E.  suite #103
Rexburg, ID 83440

Thank you for everything.

Friday, November 18, 2011

Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around. ~Leo Buscaglia

One of the blessings of trials is the opportunity they are to see the good in the people around you. I have received so many emails and comments, many by some of you whom I have never had the blessing of meeting, that have touched my heart. Most of them have made me cry, as your love has poured off the page and into our home. Anonymous packages left in our doorstep have lifted our burdens. Your homemade meals have filled more than our bellies. We feel your prayers. We are lifted by your kindness.

Most people who reach out to us do so with tear filled eyes and have repeated many times that they stumble over their words trying to find the right thing to say to us. I would say this is the same way we feel as we are humbled by your goodness.

I wish I could put into words how our hearts swell with each kindness shown to us. I wish I could accurately describe the gratitude we feel for you. I will not be able to answer every email and comment as I would like. But please know that we have read every single one. We have been brought to tears of gratitude and love many times in these last few days.


I do not know how we would get through this trial without you.

Some answers

After we lost Molly, we hoped the doctors would be able to tell us what had happened to our angel.  While I was in recovery, a few different doctors came in and tried explaining to us what they knew.

One doctor said her umbilical cord was too short and she wasn't getting enough oxygen.

Another doctor said her umbilical cord was really long but was wound up really tight like a phone cord and had twisted around her ankle.

At our 20 week ultrasound the tech had showed us that the cord attached the the placenta on the very edge instead of the middle. This would be cause for concern but Molly appeared to be developing perfectly so they weren't worried. (Allowing them not to worry about something that causes concern is something I will never do again)

Really, at the end of the day it came down to the fact that nobody really knew what happened.
It appeared to be bad luck, and our sweet Molly was one of the few babies who have a rare umbilical cord accident that ends in neonatal death. Bad luck. No answers. Just questions.

With Kellen, we felt sure that our "bad luck" would not return. How could something so rare happen more than once? Chances were slim- although my mind never let go of the fact that our luck ran out once and I dont play with chance anymore.

Kellen was developing perfectly. Every appointment I was right where I should be, he was right where he should be, my blood tests were perfect. My doctor even said, "You should give women lessons on how to be pregnant!"
Two days later we were in the hospital again.

This time, my first question was of course, "How can this happen again?! What happened to my babies?"
Surely, for this to happen twice something has to be genetic. There must be something wrong with the way my body gets nutrients and blood to the baby. SURELY there must be something I develop that is harming my children. We were extremely disappointed when the string of deja vu continued and we were told the last thing we wanted to hear.

"Well, everything looks pretty normal. We aren't sure what caused it. He looks perfect. You look perfect, and your bicournate uterus is very mild at best. He had plenty of amniotic fluid around him. We just dont know what caused this. Yes, it is strange that there is nothing obvious. We just can't tell for sure what happened."      "Bad luck."

Luckily, this time bad luck was not good enough for either us or our doctors. They sent the placenta for testing and took more blood. The checked Kellen and they checked my body while they were doing surgery. They were determined to answer the question.

How can we ever feel safe getting pregnant again? Something is happening, and until we know how can we not feel like getting pregnant is just the first step to burying another baby? We need to know what we are fighting, or else having another baby seems not only terrifying but also foolish.

So until yesterday we were as confused as everyone else. Then, our doctor called and said that he spoke to the people who tested the placenta, and they found something. He wanted us to come in and talk with him. I was nervous, but excited. I was happy that we might hear something that would tell us what to look for, or maybe they could see what my body wasn't doing and could give me a pill or a shot and my babies would be better cared for. I was also scared he would say that my body is not meant for making babies, and it's amazing Kellen and Molly got so close to their due dates.

So, we went in to talk with him. We sat down and he came in and checked first to see how I was healing.
Physically I am healing like I should. My C-section is more painful than last time, but he said that is normal because they had to cut through some muscles instead of just uterus this time. It will take longer to heal, and he told me to keep popping pills. I kinda hate pills, but now I wont feel guilty that its taking longer to be comfortable than last time. Then I asked what he found out.

He said the pathologist who studied the placenta said that there was an abnormality about the way the umbilical cord attached to the placenta. The cord was attached way up on the edge.

Sounds familiar.

He said that the cord usually is plunged deep into the placenta and surrounded by a gel that allows the baby to move without the cord getting too tangled. However, Kellen's cord was attached just in the upper membrane of the placenta, just on the surface. This made it so as Kellen moved around, the cord was getting twisted tighter and tighter. The pathologist said that the "hypertwisting" was the worst he had ever seen.  The doctor drew the same picture that the tech showed us when explaining that Molly's cord attached weird but they "weren't worried."

SO- what causes this? Lucas and I were desperate to know if this was genetic.

Doctor says that because testing on pregnant women is limited, they dont know much about cord-placental attachments. When this has happened to women they have had no reason to believe it was anything but bad luck. With it happening twice they aren't sure if we truly are the unluckiest people in the world (from a non-spiritual non-eternal standpoint) or if this is genetic.

So basically, we went home knowing that it was bad luck twice. However, there is no way of knowing whether or not there is some reason my babies and their placentas form wrong. It is not fact that this would happen every time or even ever again. It is not fact that this was not bad luck. We could have a normal placenta/cord connection and a perfectly healthy baby next time. Or it could happen again.

At least now we know what to look for.

Until the scientific community gets a little more advanced in the world of high cord risk pregnancies, I dont think I would feel okay about trying again.

We have already discussed and gotten excited about the scary and wonderful world of adoption.
Though, my heart is not yet ready to move on from Kellen and it might be a long time, we know that adoption is our next step. Our arms are ready to bring home a baby, our hearts are ready to love a baby, and when the time is right, we will be parents of a baby who stays with us- no matter how they get here.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Seeing him again

Dressing Kellen was an incredible experience.

When it was time to go my mom helped me into the car and drove to Lucas' work to pick him up. He worked a few days to try and get as many hours in as possible before we go to Colorado to bury Kellen. I hate that he feels the stress of finances when I know his heart is broken. It is a distraction for him and it helps him feel needed, but I hate it. As he walked out the door I just wanted to scream at the world for being unfair. I wanted to beg our apartment to be free and gas to be free and all our bills to disappear so that my husband can have some time to stay home and mourn the loss of his second child. We learned a long time ago, though, that the world does not stop turning just because your world has crumbled.

So we pulled up to his work and he came outside and hopped in the car. He rubbed my shoulders as he got in and said hello.
 "I'm so nervous, hun."
He said, "Me too, Amber."

He and my mom made small talk and I stared out the window and tried to prepare myself to see Kellen's little body again. My anxiety level was through the roof.

My mom had spent the entire day before hunting all over Idaho Falls for a small enough little suit for Kellen to wear and there is nothing that would be small enough in time. He was only 3 pounds and all the newborn christening outfits out there would drown him. She finally found a preemie outfit that was baby blue and had a little jacket with planes on it. His tiny onesie and booties would probably also be too big, but he would look cute anyway.

Once we got there Lucas opened my door and helped me get out. He held my hand and we walked into the funeral home. I realized I had never been here before, but Molly had been here. I told Lucas I was glad to be somewhere Molly had been. He smiled.

A nice old man came and greeted us and asked us to sit at an old desk in a back room. He talked to us briefly about what we were going to do and how we were going to pay for their services and if we would be taking Kellen to Colorado (He remembered about Molly). Then he had us follow him to the front of a chapel where there were 3 tiny white caskets on the front pew with little cards in them telling how much they cost. I forced myself not to cry and not to get mad that people make money off death.

We talked for a while and picked a tiny casket that was nice but more masculine than the one we had purchased for Molly. Then the old man asked if we were ready to dress our son. I got scared and became super indecisive and mumbled out like 5 answers. Lucas and the man weren't sure what to make of it and the guy goes "I just dont want to make you walk, and he's right there" while pointing to a curtain behind us. I was ready to see him.

We walked over to the curtain and the old man pulled it open. Laying on his back with a white blanket covering him was my beautiful baby boy. He looked so adorable, and his hair looked so blonde under the lights beside the table. The old man left us alone.

The actual dressing was very spiritual and reverent. It was incredibly difficult and I cried a lot. It was, however, so sacred to us that I do not want to give all the details here.

After we finished dressing Kellen and spending time as a family (I am sure Kellen and Molly were there with us), we asked my mom if she wanted to come see him. Soon she came into the room and we all cried and talked about how cute he was. He looked so adorable in his outfit it was hard to believe he wasn't just sleeping. After a minute my mom said goodbye to him and left crying so we could say goodbye, too.

We sat quietly and I held his tiny hand for a while. Lucas rubbed my back.

Lucas took my breath away when he said the most beautiful thing,
"It's not goodbye or even see you later, it's always forever and ever now."
What a wonderful dad.

I left feeling happier and reassured that we need not say goodbye to our baby. He is with us all the time. Forever and ever.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Dressing him

Healing physically is not nearly the uphill climb that emotional healing tends to be.

The first big step was coming home from the hospital without our son the same way we did without our daughter.  I cried so hard when Lucas helped me get on the bed and I looked around my empty, childless room. I'm sure they were both there in spirit, but I longed to see them physically. I want them in my arms. Moose could tell we were hurting. As Lucas lay with his arms around me and his fingers in my hair Moose bounced between us licking us everywhere he could reach. He is as helpless to instantly heal us as we are to heal each other.

The next big step is today. In a few minutes we are going to the funeral home to put Kellen in the clothes he will rest in. I always regretted not being the one to put Molly in her dress and I will not miss that chance this time. It will be very hard to hold him limp in my arms again, but it feels like one of the things a mother and father should do for their child.

Pray for us today.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Kellen Michael Taylor

Pregnancy is a terrifying thing. After losing Molly, I was so scared of losing another one that choosing to try again was a huge decision. However, once I got pregnant we were able to feel excited again. As was expected, we had days where we were very nervous and would experience high anxiety. However, every time we saw the doctor everything was progressing normally and they were ready to begin the high risk testing. We felt taken care of. We felt more prepared to deal with my bicournate uterus and to expect having our handsome son delivered early if the need came. Mentally, we were preparing for something to go wrong- but this time we were sure we would catch it in time. Our doctor's office was ready and was watching.

Lucas and I bought a home doppler device and almost every day I would lay down and Lucas would grab the doppler and we would feel the daily relief of hearing his steady heartbeat. As he began to kick more and more we listened to his heart a little less often, but if I didn't feel him for more than an hour or so I would listen with the doppler just to be sure he was safe. The sound of his heart beating was like a warm blanket assuring me that at least for that second he was there. He was growing. He was on his way to us.

We did not have the courage to set up his nursery or to buy any baby clothing, but I have spent a lot of time making him a blanket. I wanted to show myself that I had faith and that even though I didn't know what would happen, that if he came I could give him something I made for him. 

On Wednesday the 9th Kellen was moving around a lot. He was kicking all the time and I was loving watching my belly move around. I liked to sit with my hand on my belly and feel him kicking around while I worked. I spent the morning at the call center at work, and I felt fine. When I went home my visiting teachers came over. When they left and I stood up I noticed I was a little wet. I went to the bathroom and found that I was leaking. I was not bleeding, and it was not like I wet my pants, but it was as though I had spilled water in my pants. I did not know what it was, but I was scared.

I spent the next couple hours waiting for Lucas to get home and searching online for answers as to what that might have been.  Of course, google freaked me out. I found women who said it could be amniotic fluid, and others who said it was urine. Some women said they leaked and their baby was fine, and others lost their babies. I wanted to go to the doctor, but it was evening and they were closed. I also didn't want to panic when it could have been nothing. I could tell that there was still plenty of fluid around Kellen, and he was moving just as much as ever, but I was still worried. I called my mom and she assured me that it was better to be safe than sorry and to call the doctor, but that it was probably urine or just a little leaking that was not going to be an issue.

After calling the doctor and listening to their automated machine I was frustrated and wanted to talk to Lucas. He got come from work at about 7 and I explained to him what had happened. We decided to keep an eye on it and see if it continued. Luckily we had our 29 week appointment the next day and we would ask the doctor about it then. If we noticed any change in Kellen or an increase in leaking we would go to the hospital.

However, through the night, it seemed the leak was done and Kellen was fine. His heart rate was normal and he was wiggly and up in my ribs where he usually was. I went to bed nervous but feeling a little better and comforted by Kellen's frequent movements.

The next day I had a shorter day at work and was happy that I felt Kellen moving through the day. Our appointment was at 2:30 and it was Lucas' day off. He spent the day cleaning the apartment. We have both been nesting and deep cleaning like crazy. He spent the whole day cleaning the house and making it perfect for whenever our son would make it here. We still didn't feel ready to set up his crib, but we felt safe cleaning the apartment. When I got off work I went home and Lucas met me outside, we went straight to the Doctor's office. We walked in and luckily we didn't have to wait very long. The doctor was acting a little like this appointment was useless and we came too soon.

He measured my belly and I was measuring right at 29 weeks, my weight was perfect, Kellen's movement and heart rate was right where it should be. When the Doctor asked if we had any concerns or questions we told him about the previous days' leaking. It bothered me how lightly he took it. He said he was 99 percent sure it was probably urine, but he would check anyway. His casual attitude and his blowing off that it could be anything really bugged me, but I was glad he was going to check. I changed clothes and he did a test and said that whatever the fluid was, there was no amniotic fluid leaking now. I was relieved, but was sure that's what he expected and was not really taking the time to really check me out. But the test showed no amniotic fluid leaking, so I was happy. Lucas looked relieved, too.

We scheduled our next appointment for 3 weeks later at 32 weeks. The doctors had planned to keep a closer eye on us this time and starting at 32 weeks they were going to have us come in twice a week for ultrasounds and a BPP test. The test would show how much amniotic fluid is around Kellen, how much oxygen he is getting through his umbilical cord, and check his heart rate and movements. They were about to start keeping a closer eye on my uterus to make sure he didn't run out of room, and to be ready to deliver him if any of the tests showed anything abnormal. We left the office feeling relieved and taken care of.

The next day I went to work and so did Lucas. Things were great and Kellen was moving around as usual. I did my daily fetal movement counts and Kellen was moving a ton, more than usual actually. Everything was perfect and I coudln't believe that I was almost 30 weeks already. That night when we were in bed I was falling asleep and noticed that Kellen was moving a ton. It reminded me of the night before we lost Molly, and how she moved around like this. I hugged my belly and thought "Dont move so much, baby, you're in there with a cord." I wasn't really scared, but the memory or Molly moving a lot that night did make his quick rolling around something I took note of.

The next morning I woke up and was glad it was my day off. Lucas went to work, and I spent the morning sleeping. I was exhausted. Moose lay by me most of the morning, as he has the entire pregnancy. He is like my little protector. When I finally got a little energy I decided to clean the blinds. We had been meaning to for a while but it takes so long that we had been putting it off. I spent the morning sitting on the counter with a magic eraser making our blinds look perfect. When I finished I ate  lunch, took a prenatal, and played with Moose. I wanted to to more to make our house feel clean since Lucas had spent his whole day cleaning, I wanted to do more to help him feel clean. So I crawled around the house cleaning the baseboards and vacuuming.

About an hour before Lucas got home I sat feeling my belly, I didn't feel Kellen move but was sure he was sleeping. I didn't think much of it and I went to run some errands. When I got home I put the things I had bought away and then Lucas got home. As soon as he got home I had the feeling that we needed to check for Kellen's heartbeat. It was a strong feeling, and I realized that I wasn't sure when I felt him last. I was sure I felt him that morning, but did not know the exact time. I said "Hey, hun, can we listen to Kellen, I haven't felt him move for a couple hours."
  Lucas said, "Sure, babe." He stopped playing with moose and got a paper towel and followed me into our room. I layed on the bed and lifted my shirt over my belly, and Lucas grabbed the gel. He squeezed it on my belly and I flinched at how cold it was.

We talked a little as he moved the device around my belly looking for the heartbeat. It had been harder to find recently, and Kellen was back by my spine a lot so finding his heartbeat had been taking a while. I  had a bad feeling creeping up in my chest. After a minute we were both silent and just listening to the sounds of the doppler device. Twice he stopped when we heard a heartbeat. It was at 90 bpm. We were not sure if that was my heart beating fast out of nerves or the baby's heartbeat beating too slowly. Lucas placed the doppler by my heart and it was at 91 bpm. So it was my heart and I was scared so it was going faster than normal. After a few minutes I got up and moved my belly. I could feel Kellen's bum, and didn't feel him kicking. This all felt too familiar.

Lucas asked me to get a drink of something cold and come lay down for a minute and we would try again. I got a drink of cold water, and lay on the bed again. After a second, Lucas grabbed the doppler, put more gel on my belly and we sat there in silence. There was no heartbeat. We couldn't find it. We instantly doubted how well our doppler worked, and were sure Kellen was hiding or at a weird angle. But I was scared. My eyes started watering, and Lucas looked scared.

"I can't do this again, Lucas. I'm not strong enough" He hugged me and assured me everything was probably fine, but that he thought we should go to the hospital.

I immediately grabbed my purse and we walked silently to the car. It felt like we were reliving the day we lost Molly and were haunted by knowing that our last trip to the hospital ended with us coming home alone. We tried to stay hopeful.

As we drove I began to cry. I kept my arms hugging my belly and begging for him to move. Lucas said, "I know you aren't doing this, but lets try not to react until we know what's going on. " I nodded and continued to hug my belly. As we pulled up the street to the hospital I was overcome with fear as I remembered being here just a year ago feeling the same way. I was too scared to cry hard, but couldn't keep my eyes from watering up.

I whispered to Kellen over and over, "Please be okay. Please be okay. Please be okay"

We parked the car and Lucas grabbed my hand and we walked as quickly as we could into the building where I went to the restroom and tried again to feel if going to the bathroom made him move. I felt nothing.

We went up the elevator and reached labor and delivery. The doors are always locked and Lucas picked up the phone and said to the people at the front desk, "My wife hasnt' felt the baby move in a while, and we need to check on him." She buzzed the doors and let us in.

I could not get over how familiar it all was. It was the same. The nurse got my name and information, then she walked around the desk and said, "Come in here." She pointed to the same room where I got checked and we learned that Molly was in trouble. How could we be here again?

They had me change into a hospital robe before they checked anything. I wished they would just check for the heartbeat already, so I changed as fast as I could and came out and layed on the bed. The nurse check my heartrate and I wanted to scream at her to check the baby. I was too scared to say anything though and I just waited and stared at Lucas for comfort.

He sat across the room in a chair and watched me. We kept eye contact. The nurse went out of the room to grab something before checking for his heartbeat and Lucas said, "I'm just excited for her to come in and to hear a strong hearbeat" My eyes watered and I couldn't see him but I nodded and tried to breath.  The nurse came back in the room and grabbed the monitor that would check for contractions. I let her know I had not felt any, and there had been no blood. She said okay and seemed pretty sure she would find a heartbeat.

 I held my breath as she put the monitor on my belly.
Nothing right away. I tried to turn off all my other senses and make my hearing extra powerful. I needed to hear something.

This can't happen to us again. Not again.

She moved the heart monitor all around and there was nothing but silence. Just to make sure I said, "You're checking for the heartbeat right?" She said "Yes. Let me check everywhere" She moved the monitor all over my belly, and after a few minutes she looked sad and I was overwhelmed with fear. Lucas was frozen. He sat in his chair and just stared at me. I looked at him and we didn't know what to say. The nurse then said, "I can't find anything. I'm sorry. The doctor will come in and do an ultrasound to be sure. Who is your doctor?" I couldn't think. I just said "Madisons" and she nodded and said, "Doctor Allred is here. He will be good. He lost a baby too." TOO? TOO? is she confirming that Kellen is gone? I could not function.

A few minutes later our Doctor came in. He was my favorite one at our office, and he looked very sad. He gave us a sympathetic smile and Lucas moved to sit on a stool by my bed and held my hand. Dr. Allred grabbed the ultrasound machine and put more gel on my belly and placed the probe on me.

I saw the shape of Kellens head on the screen. I saw his little spine. We could see his legs.

There was no heartbeat. He was gone.

This is when I stopped feeling. I think my mind and heart went numb. I could feel tears running down my face and hear the Doctor apologizing. They were talking to me about options but I could not think. I felt the familiar crumbling of my heart as I realized we lost another baby. Our sweet baby boy was already back in heaven with his sister. We would never hold him alive. We would have to wait to raise him when we raise Molly. I could not bear the pain, so my mind didn't let me feel anything.

How did this happen again? How will we survive this?

From that point on everything seemed a blur. Lucas put his arm around me and kissed my head. We were told that we could either induce labor or have a c-section. However, my bicournate uterus and being only 29.5 weeks would make chance of uteran rupture very dangerous unless by any chance I was already dilated at all. I couldn't decide. I didn't want to think about giving birth to him and knowing he was gone. I didn't want to go through another c-section and lose another one. He asked if he could check to see if I was dilated. I agreed. He quickly checked me and said unfortunately there was no sign of dilating yet and he thought it was too dangerous to induce since I had previously had a c-section. He recommended another surgery.

The doctor left us alone to decide what we wanted to do, and apologized again.

I cried. Lucas' eyes were red and he seemed as numb as I felt. I was not ready to make decisions. I wanted to wake up from this horrible nightmare. Lucas said "It doesn't feel real. This just can't be real."
Unfortunately, this was happening again, and we had to start making decisions. I became so overwhelmed that I put my hands over my face and lost it. I was just weeping. I wanted to die too. I wanted to take Lucas' hand and walk out of the hospital and find a way to get to our children. I could not stop crying. I never thought we would have to feel this pain again, but just like that our mending hearts were ripped to shreds again. It was not fair, and I let myself cry. Lucas hugged me and he may have cried, honestly I was so overwhelmed and my face was covered. I was barely aware of anything.

Then I went numb again. I couldn't cry or feel. Lucas seemed to be in shock. We quietly made our decision that while we were here we wanted to get it over with. We were tired, but we didn't want to leave and have to drive here again knowing he was gone. We wanted to hold him as soon as possible. Lucas gave me a tissue. I sat frozen while he buzzed the nurses and said "We made our decision"

The doctor came in a minute later and we told him we thought we wanted to do the c-section tonight. He said he had to take care of a few things and get ready, and he would send someone in to talk to us about whether I wanted an epidural to be awake or if I wanted to be put all the way under. I didn't know. I was done making decisions. I didn't want to make Lucas sit alone in the hospital while I'm knocked out in surgery and our baby is still born. He already had to sit for hours not knowing if Molly would be okay or if I was okay. However, I was terrified of being awake and having them take Kellen out and NOT hearing him cry. I didn't want to see him limp and bloody and gone. It would kill me.

The anesthesiologist game in and talked to us about the pros and cons of each. I could not decide. It seemed impossible. I finally said, "I dont know. I dont want to leave Lucas alone." Lucas said, "I'll be okay, really. You do what you feel most comfortable with." He seemed to be genuinely okay with not being there, and I couldn't blame him. He would be more aware of what was going on. He would have to see Kellen born still and not be able to do anything. We talked for a minute and decided that it would be easier on our hearts to be able to see him after I woke up and we could meet him together once the emergency part of the surgery was over and it could be calmer. We could hold him and he would be clean. Just like with his sister after she passed, he would just look like he was sleeping. So I chose to be put under. Lucas seemed okay with it.

They didn't waste much time and sent in nurses to come put an IV in my arm. The needle didn't hurt. I could feel nothing. They shaved me and I lay in shock as we relived the worst moment of our lives. I began to shake and the nurses kept bringing warm blankets to put over me. Lucas stayed by me.

One of the nurses let us know that they had consecrated oil and if Lucas wanted to call someone to give me a blessing before the surgery we had time. We decided it was a good idea. Lucas called his good friend Derek. Then Lucas walked out into the hall and called his mom and told her what had happened.

About 10 minutes later Derek came in the room. He had the familiar look of wishing he could help and being completely lost for words. He quietly whispered "I'm so sorry" and I said, "me too. Thank you for coming" He nodded and Lucas asked him to help with the blessing. The two of them put their hands on my head and I felt the love of the Lord. I knew I would be okay through the surgery, and was not scared for it. However, my numbness was still taking over. I was beyond tears. When they finished the blessing, I thanked them both and Derek again told us how sorry he was and left. 

Lucas followed Derek out and gave the oil back to the nurses and came back in. A nurse talked to us for a while. I called my mom and asked her to get my dad too. They could tell I was crying. I didn't know how to say it, and I didn't have the strength to say it out loud. I quickly just said, "Mom. Kellen passed away. I didn't feel him, and we came to the doctor and there is no heartbeat. He's gone." My mom started to cry and couldn't believe it. I was losing it again, so said I needed to go and got off the phone. I hated that this is the second time I had to tell my parents that their grandbaby was gone.

After about a half hour it was time for the surgery. Lucas walked by my bed as they wheeled me out of the room. They told me what room he would be waiting in and he kissed me and told me he loved me, then he had to wait. The doors to the OR opened and they wheeled me to the same room where Molly was delivered just a year ago. The emotions were too much to handle. I began to shake so badly that they couldn't get me to stop even with more and more blankets on me. They had me scoot over to the operating table. The same one as last time.

I apologized for shaking, and they assured me that some women shake and it was normal. My arms were almost falling off the table as they spread them out. This time, at least, I would not have to feel it.

The doctor got ready and put an oxygen mask on my face. He said to take deep breaths. Then he said he was going to put some medicine in my IV. I nodded and suddenly my arm felt like it was on fire. I started crying and saying "It hurts! ow it burns!" The doctor assured me it would go away in a minute. Just a minute after the burning moved up my arm and made it to my chest the pain went away. I began to get very tired and the voices talking to me were incomprehensible. I tried to say something and heard my voice come out in slurred words. That's the last thing I remember.

While I was in surgery Lucas sat in the family waiting room. Harry Potter was on, and he spent the time waiting calling family and keeping them informed.

I woke up in a recovery room. Everything was blurry. The nurses told Lucas that when I woke up I asked for him, and they went and got him from the family waiting room and guided him through the hospital to where I was. I dont remember asking for him, or even having him come in. The first thought I remember is that I was glad that this time we were in a different room. Everything else had been the same this time around, and I was happy to see we were in another room.
Lucas stood next to me for a while and talked to me and got all the machines set up and checked my vitals. Lucas said there was a blanket around my head and I couldn't hear very well. My vision was blurry and I was coherent but wasn't taking anything in yet. 

The nurses set up my morphine and antibiotics while Lucas stood by me. I think I remember asking to see Kellen, and Lucas said we needed to wait until things calmed down and I was set up. The anesthesiologist told Lucas that I did great, and the moment he was born was very spiritual. He said that they pulled Kellen out and placed him on my belly, and that moment was very reverent. The room was very reverent and Kellen was beautiful and good looking. He assured us that he wasn't saying this just because of what we were going through, but that he that it was very special and reverent. Lucas said his eyes were watering and he said he was glad he was able to be a part of it. Lucas told me what he had said and I cried. One of the things I had wanted when Kellen was born was to have him placed on my belly, and I was so happy it had happened even though he was gone and I was out. It was very special knowing that moment happened anyway.

About 15 or 20 minutes went by and we said we were ready to see Kellen. I was still shivering. a nurse came in and she had our baby bundled in a blanket in her arms. He had on a dark hat and my heart was pounding as she walked up the bed. It felt like slow motion as the seconds went by and she lowered him into our arms. His skin was purple and his hat was dark and my first thought was that he was tiny and that he looked black. We looked at him a while and I held him and kissed his head. his skin was cold. He looked so much like Molly it was hard to believe. I handed him to Lucas and he held him and stared at him. He kissed him.

Lucas placed him back in my arms and I decided I wanted to see all of him. We took off his hat and were surprised to see how blonde his hair was. It was so cute and we touched it. It looked a little strawberry blonde like Molly's had. We removed the blue robe he was wearing and held him in just his diaper. He was so tiny but he was beautiful. He was 3 pounds 2 oz and was 15 inches long. He looked a lot like Lucas to me, and Lucas thought he looked like me. We both agreed he was definitely Molly's brother.

A photographer came in and took pictures of us while we held him and told us that while we waited she had taken pictures of him before. We were glad to have that taken care of. Because he was already gone, the left us alone for a long time. We were able to take turns holding him and kissing him. We studied every part of his body and felt his soft skin. We are completely in love with him. It was a wonderful time to be a family and we know his spirit was there and so was Molly's. For that moment we were sure that our whole family was together in that room. It was spiritual and we felt the same comfort that we had when we lost Molly.

I remember wishing that I had spent more time studying Molly after she passed, so this time the nurse assured us there was no rush and we could take as much time with him as we wanted. My mom was coming the next day, and I wanted her to hold him. We decided to keep him with us that night and see how we felt in the morning and if we felt that we needed more time or that we were ready to say goodbye.

We spent hours just staring at his perfect body and face. We kissed him a million times. I felt such joy at seeing Lucas holding his son, and knowing that one day we will have both our children again. One day I will see Lucas as a dad and this sadness will not be there. I can't wait for that day.

When we got tired Lucas helped me put blankets around me so that Kellen could lay by me. He layed with his head on my arm and my arms and hands wrapped around him. I held his tiny hands and legs as I slept that night. At about 5 am a nurse came in to push on my stomach, check me, and clean me so Lucas held Kellen and he slept with him cuddled next to him. It was beautiful. Lucas held him for a while and slept with him. I'm not sure how long he held him but eventually he put him back next to me and we slept some more.

The nurses brought breakfast and I didn't touch it. I could not imagine doing something as physical and worldy as eating, when my heart was with my angels in heaven. I felt nothing but a desire to have my family together.  We spent the morning with Kellen. We cried a lot. We talked to him. We hugged and kissed eachother. We already began to recieve loving messages from our friends and family and we would read them to each other. I had no courage left to try and talk to anyone. I still havent.

My mom arrived at about noon. She came in the room and I began to cry with her as she hugged me and then Lucas. Then she went to the bed where we had set Kellen and we told her she could hold him. She looked nervous and was crying as she picked him up and held him. I cried watching her. I was still in shock that this was happening again. My mom looked at me like it hurt her as bad to not be able to take away our pain as it hurt us to feel it. We all spent time with him, and after a little while Lucas said he needed to go take care of Moose. We decided we needed to say goodbye to Kellen. Lucas said that he had already all day, and he quickly kissed him and touched him and said goodbye again . Then he brought him to me and I held him in my arms. Lucas said he loved me and left.

I hugged Kellen close and whispered to him. I know he wasn't in his little body, but I was sure he was in the room.
I'm so sorry Kellen. I love you so much. I will miss you every second of every day. I hope you are with your sister and you both know how much we love you. Goodbye by sweet boy.

Then I cried. I let myself really cry as I said goodbye to him. I knew I would see him again to change him for burial, but this was really my moment to see him looking so perfect and to say goodbye for this life. I cried and cried. My mom cried next to the bed. I was sad Lucas had gone home, but thought he probably needed time alone.  We let the nurses know that we were ready for the funeral home to pick him up and prepare him for burial. That was impossibly hard.

Maybe 20 minutes later the funeral director came in. He asked if we had used their services with Molly and we told him yes. Then we cried as my mom helped get Kellen out of my arms and handed him to the man. He wrapped him in a blanket and we told him we would be by in the next couple days to change him and to choose a casket for him. We want to bury Kellen near Molly in Colorado.

It feels so unbelievable that we are burying another baby. The chances of this were so unlikely. We are completely broken. However, despite the pain and the shock we are further ahead than we were last time. We already know how we mourn a loss like this. We have studied the scriptures and have learned so much, that we already have the comfort that the teachings of the Lord and his prophets can offer. The hope that the knowledge the gospel brings gives us peace, again. It never ceases to be true, so the comfort never ceases.

I can't explain why I wasn't angry this time. It really should have felt so unfair to have to go through this again, but I felt the familiar spiritual comfort that the Lord has a plan. Kellen was perfect and, just like Molly, he did not need to be tested in the world. He has proven that he is ready for the eternities and we feel beyond blessed to be chosen to be his parents. We love him and Molly so much. 

We both feel pretty numb, and what has happened keeps hitting us at different times. Though, we miss our babies, we do feel happy at the thought of them being together. They can help each other through this, and it helps us to know they have each other while we wait for our family to be whole again.
We will think of them every day for the rest of our lives and we will try and make ourselves the kind of parents that deserve such pure children. They inspire us to be our best, and we will endure this life because one day the time will come and we will get to have them back. Kellen will be back in our arms. Molly will be back in our arms. We will be ready.

Monday, November 7, 2011

No shame.

I used to think my least favorite time of day was the moment I realize my alarm is actually a warning telling me that my dream is over and its time to get out of bed. However, today I realized that my ACTUAL least favorite time of day is just as the light is changing outside. Not dusk...I like dusk. Not sunrise or sunset, but just after sunrise and maybe 20 minutes before dusk. The dreaded time is the always changing time of day when the light outside is about equal to the light inside.

This time of day is not so bad if you are anyone but me, but I cannot escape the fact that I am me.  See, I like to shower in the late afternoon just before my hard working husband gets home from work so I'm cuddle ready. I also LOVE windows and have not forgotten our first year of marriage when we lived in a dark dungeon basement. So, as soon as I can in the morning I pull the blinds open, which the dog appreciates maybe even more than me, and I leave them open as long as possible because I love natural light. Finally, I am very forgetful.

The problem with these three habits I have formed is that come late afternoon/early evening I get ready to hop in the shower. I get down to my birthday suit and 6 out of ten times I remember something I need to get or do outside the bathroom.

Upon remembering what I need to do, I open the bathroom door (the joy of being alone all day) and walk into the hallway. Then I notice it. Looking out the huge window, I  panic because  I can't tell if it is darker outside than inside. My blinds are wide open, and I am standing in the middle of my apartment possibly flashing all my neighbors....again. I'm a flasher! They've seen too much! They've seen it all!!!!  So I awkwardly and instantly drop to the floor and crawl to either close the blinds, or to get what I need and crawl back to the bathroom depending on which is closer.

If it is the blinds- I have to hope that when I stand up to get the string that nobody is looking and that maybe, JUST MAYBE, my apartment is darker inside than I think it is. I would not doubt that at least 80 percent of my neighbors have seen a little too much of me and laughed as they see me fall to the floor in horror.

This should not be a recurring problem, but it is. I have had the pride crushing and horribly awkward naked-drop-and-crawl through my apartment every few days for like a year. You would think I would learn.

The point of all this is that I hate not knowing if I am a flasher or not. I hate wondering...who saw my goodies? If it were more obvious that it was darker inside than out or vise versa...I would know to whom I either do or do not owe apologies to. If you are my unlucky.......or maybe lucky....victims, know that I am sorry and I think it is your job to close YOUR blinds and stay inside from noon on.


I was going to actually UPDATE my blog and let you all know what's going on in my life, but this happened again today and I realized that I have a problem and came to blog-it-out. Like therapy. But I'm still in just my skin. I will now crawl back to the bathroom to shower, and then I will blog again about the happenings of my life.