Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Brother Ceran

Today my friend Tiffani posted this clip from the LDS radio station on my facebook. I am surprised I had not heard this man's story prior to this, but we sat here and listened to the whole thing. I bawled through most of it. We are so moved by this, humbled by his story, inspired by his message, and connected through what small similarities we share.

Shortly after Molly died, Lucas and I went to the grocery store and before going in we sat and looked at people going in. They didn't have a clue how difficult every step was for us. They didn't understand our loss. BUT, we discussed that we didn't know how difficult it was for them, either. We have no idea what struggles other people go through.

I know a lot of you who read this are experiencing struggles that seem unbearable. If you are not now, you already have, you will, or possibly will again, go through something that is so hard you will be tested in every way imaginable. I wish everyone could listen to this and, whether of our faith or not, draw from his Christlike example.

God is real, and he loves us. He knows what we are going to go through, he knows where we will go, who we will meet, what paths we might cross that will prepare us, heal us, or maybe need us.

Isn't it great to know we are loved, and that he gives us trial to help us to become more like him?

Conversations: Episode 13 - Programs - Home

(Thank you, Tiffani, for thinking of us when you heard this. I wish I could show you how wonderful your timing was)

Monday, December 20, 2010

Memory box

I haven't gotten any work done on Molly's memory book in a long time. I'm not sure when it happened, but it went from being like therapy to being really hard emotionally. The pictures became harder to look at, and any day I spent working on the book became a day I cried on and off for the next two. A couple times I have gotten all my stuff out to work on the book and felt so overwhelmed and emotional I just stand there and cry, or stare blankly and then slowly put everything away.

But two days ago, with a Christmas gift for Lucas as my goal, I decided to get to work again.

The book felt like too much, still. But we have things that can't fit in a scrapbook, or feel too valuable, and I have wanted a shadow box that we can display in our home throughout our life so we will always have Molly's memory close by.

I decided to make the shadow box. So I went to Porters and bought a deep frame with a glass front, and went home and pulled out all of Molly's things, some cute paper, some glue, and some courage.

I got started, and decided to put the things that Molly actually used, touched, or wore in the box so it was as meaningful as I wanted.

I decided on:
*The first picture taken of her, which is also the first time I ever saw my daughter.
*Our favorite picture of Molly, with her breathing on her own, and looking like the angel she is.
*The hospital bracelet she wore around her tiny ankle,
*The hairbrush the nurses used to brush her hair
*A tiny lock of hair tied with a pink bow
* The mold of her footprint, the heel of the print has a drop of her blood on it.
*Her footprint, and her handprint.
*The feather used in her guest book from her funeral.

I did fine as I arranged all her stuff and looked at her tiny footprint. I was really okay. But when it came to displaying her lock of hair I should have, but didn't expect the rush of emotions I felt.

I pulled the lock of hair in the bow out of the baggie it was in, and held it in my hand. I immediately started crying as I realize that I held in my hand the only physical piece of my daughter left. This was the only part of her I had to hold. I held it up and stared at the color, it matched my hair when I was younger. I found the best possible way I could to save it, and finally got it ready in the box.

When I finished the box I felt very emotional and very proud. It feels amazing to have finished something for her. And for Lucas. I wanted to give it to him for Christmas, but suddenly I wanted him to see it so bad that I drove to the hotel to pick him up right away. Here it is :)

I got there and sat in the car while he finished what he was supposed to do, and the music, though it had nothing to do with children, or loss, or anything that should have reminded me of Molly, had me crying again. Lucas got in the car, noticed I was upset and immediately got super concerned and asked what was wrong. I let him know I was just thinking about Molly, again. He held my hand and played with my hair to comfort me. I love that he knows better than anyone that when I cry for Molly that nothing can be said that hasn't been already, and that it wont last forever. He just loves me and lets me feel what I need to feel.

We went home and I couldn't wait. I had him wait on the couch and close his eyes while I got the box, and I brought it out to him.

He opened it and stared at it and said "Oh, wow! It's beautiful, perfect!"

We are hanging it up tonight, and I couldn't be happier!

Thursday, December 16, 2010


I am running in a circle. I will start something, and I will do it more and more and more, than slowly do it less and less, then stop doing it, but I will soon rediscover my lost obsession, and begin the cycle again.

Here are some recent obsessions of mine:


The Jamba Juice Chunky Strawberry Topper. It is AMAZING! I got it for breakfast twice on our Cali trip and now Lucas and I are completely hooked. I want it all day everyday.


This book is CRAZY. You can look up your name and it will give a detailed meaning if what your name means. It has been pretty spot on for most of the people I read about. Mine was so accurate that I have to look around now because I think name book authors are following me.

Thank you, Carrie, for allowing me to borrow this time sucking book. I have been looking up names and reading people their name blurb for like 4 hours now.

I spent a ton of time the last two days making this,

So now I am even more obsessed with this

I always do this. Next month there will be more things I obsess over, and this weeks obsessions will be long forgotten and my mind will be lost in a cloud of some other strange new thing. Am I the only one who does this?

Oh, and also. Lucas is so funny. Sometimes he says things that totally shock me. For example, we were in the car and I jokingly say "so you think I'm butch?" and he says "Yeah, butch, why don't you put on some lipstick."

Also, sometimes Lucas and I are in shock over how cool our dog is. Moose is funny because he isn't sure what a human face is for. Is it a bed? Is it food? Is it a scratching post? Is it where he should put his belly and roll around all over your face making weird sounds because he is just so confused? Yes. Be careful laying down at our house, you will get a big face full of mop-dog.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Some more days

Vacations are exhausting! The past two nights I have wanted to blog but we have gotten home so exhausted that we just go right to bed! (Plus your lack of comments on my previous blogs tells me that people don't like reading about other people's vacations, which makes me less excited to write about it. I blame you! Okay, not really.)

So Thursday was the long- awaited LETS MAKE A DEAL day! We slept as late as we could and got up and got ready, which took me forever because I tried a little harder, just in case we got on TV, haha.

We never decided on a costume to wear, so we ended up having to find a store here that sells costumes year-round and ended up at Party City. There isn't much of a selection there, and there are very few costumes for women that aren't inappropriate, so we ended up with Lucas being a Dr, and I was a surgeon. Not very creative but we didn't have much time to work on it.

We drove into LA (I would never live here) and thanks to our GPS, who we have named Gerdie P. Stansonminson, we arrived early to the show and saw a line of people in costumes, parked the car and went to stand in line. We stood between a guy who came by himself dressed as Madea, and a couple of frat guys also dressed as doctors (Kinda makes us look even less original, but maybe it just made us look like we came together?)

We filled out tons of papers promising that we would not tell anyone anything about the outcome of the show until after it airs, and that we wouldn't record the show on our phones or anything, blah blah blah.

We got a name tag and a guest number, met the producers and waited and waited and waited. After a long time of waiting and trying to ignore the people who came dressed showing off all their obviously not private to them parts, we were walked into the studio.

It was really fun and interesting! The studio was smaller than it looks on TV but still felt awesome. They seated all of us and Lucas and I got a GREAT seat and then we waited for the show to start.

It was basically exactly like you see on TV just more exhausting. We sat really close to Wayne Brady and all the people he would call up to make deals with. Sometimes they stood right in front of us, but sometimes we could probably be seen on camera! We wont know till the show airs around May! We were really surprised by how small Wayne Brady is, he is really skinny and short, but he is just as witty and quick on his feet as you would hope! He is SHARP! Some of the audience members would freak out and act REALLY weird whenever he was around, but for the most part it wasn't like " OH MY..HOLY COW..THATS HIM! HE'S FAMOUS!", he acted chill and so it was pretty chill around him.

We cheered and yelled and got really excited and by the end of the taping our throats hurt and we were exhausted!!! It was a fantastic experience but we were SO tired when we finally left.

We drove from LA through TONS of traffic to get dinner with my friend Christen in Ontario, but when we got there it ended up that she wasn't going to be able to make it, which was sad. We ate at P.F. Changs (We got lettuce wraps, of course) and then we drove back to the hotel, and didn't get there until about 11:30 because the traffic here is RIDICULOUS!

We got back and went right to bed!

The next day was our Universal Studios day :)

The park was pretty much empty, so we got in and went on all the rides really quickly, never waiting more than ten minutes. This is the best week ever to go to Disney and Universal! Bet you wish you would have come with us!

Universal Studios is obsessed with 3D and putting little blips it everywhere, which Lucas loved but I got sick of. I miss the old fashioned robots and stuff! We rode rides and took pictures and took the tour, and hung out.

We were kinda quiet all day. We talked but not as much as normal. We were tired, and feeling kinda poor on top of it. So when we were walking around the shops and stuff looking for something to buy as a souvenir we got a little grumpy. We didn't talk and I was easily annoyed at a lot of stuff around me (unfortunately, this included Lucas.) We had a long talk where we both got a little emotional and we learned more about ourselves, and about each other, right in the middle of the "strip" of Universal Studios.

We talked a lot about our lives and where we were and what we wanted. We talked about what got us where we are, and what blessings we have. As we talked we watched stroller after stroller after stroller go by, and I began to cry. You never know when it will hit you. I miss Molly. We hugged and I cried because we aren't supposed to be on vacation, hiding from our empty life. We are supposed to be at home, strapped for cash and bouncing our 4 1/2 month old little girl. We aren't supposed to be searching for things to do to get our minds off a loss this huge. We aren't supposed to be getting in stupid arguments about a vacation we shouldn't be able to go on. For just a second I cried there. In the middle of the street. I looked at all the babies around me and wished so badly one of them was her. I wanted her there so badly. Thinking about how long we will have to wait until we will hold our own child in our arms again is so extremely painful. Then the thought of how long it will be until we may be ready to have another is terrifying. I'm scared of being pregnant. I'm terrified that when I am pregnant I will never allow myself to be excited about it because I will never feel like we will get the joy of bringing our baby home. While we stood there I allowed myself just a moment of self pity. I allowed myself a minute of wondering why all my future pregnancies will be less exciting, why I have to feel this unbearable emptiness for the rest of my life. Why MY family has to be one of the families with a hole in it.

But then we hugged and I stopped thinking that way. I remembered all the blessings that have come due to the few hours Molly was here. I thought about what a blessing it is to have a child who already has left this earth, and is with Jesus. A daughter who has already made it where everyone else strives to go, back to our Heavenly Father. We have something to fight for. We have a goal, because we are parents, and we have to remember what a blessing she is. She is not a burden, we are not being punished. We have been given a challenge that will affect our life and its up to us to make it something that makes us stronger. Its up to us to make her short life one to inspire the lives of the rest of our children and ourselves.

So I stopped crying, and we went to a candy store and indulged a little (17 dollars worth of candy to boost our spirits)

We to Subway on the way back to the hotel, ate our dinner, and cuddled while watching TV and then went to bed.

Today we woke up late, feeling refreshed. We were ready for another day in Southern California!

We decided that today would be our Sea World day. I have never been, when my family came when I was younger to Cali, Sea World was closed. :( Not today!

I don't know if I have ever mentioned it, but I LOVE sea animals. I scream like a little girl when I see them. I dream about riding whales, I giggle and laugh and feel so much happiness when I see sea turtles. I cried when I saw a whale breach on our honeymoon. But, for some reason, I hadn't realized that I would feel the same excitement when I see the animals at Sea World.

First thing we went to the Whale tank, but couldn't see any, then we went over to the dolphins. I lived in Hawaii for two years and never saw a dolphin! So this was my first time! They are SO CUTE!

One of them swam up to me against the glass and just bounced there, saying hi. We watched the dolphins for a while, then went over to a ledge and waited and got to touch a few! It was amazing! One guy came up and rested his head on a rock by me and Lucas and closed his eyes and let us feel his forehead for a while. It was awesome. I was really excited!

Then we went on a ride down the "rapids" and got all wet, and then off to the Shamu show! When we got there we pretty much got to pick whatever seat we wanted because we were one of the first into the stadium. Lucas saved us a seat and I ran down to the glass to get a closer look at the whales. One whale was just floating there, she was HUGE and BEAUTIFUL! I got so excited as I went up close that I started giggling and then surprised even myself as my eyes watered up and I CRIED! WHAT?!

Turns out I love whales even more than I thought!

I went back and sat with Lucas and was in heaven the whole show, and have decided I need to now consider being a trainer! That would be AMAZING!

We went to the dolphin show, pet some other sea creatures, saw the sharks, and then headed back to the hotel.

Now we are watching Indiana Jones and eating pizza, and just loving that we are on vacation. Just tomorrow and Monday morning left!

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Day 3 in Californ eye A

Since yesterday lines were really really short and we got through all the rides we wanted in just a few hours, this morning we wasted no time waking up and hurring to roll over and cuddle and fall back to sleep.

We went down to breakfast in time to eat before they clean it up, and grab some extra bread and packets of jam, honey and peanut butter so we can make lunch and save money while at the park.

Yesterday I paid 11 dollars for a pre-made regular sandwich and a water.

We stop at the store and get some baggies for our small packed lunch, and off to California Adventure we go!

The park was a little more crowded today but the lines were still on average about 10 minutes long.

My favorite ride was the tower of terror. I like the feeling of falling. It made me miss skydiving.

(While I write this we are watching Hell's Kitchen. These people are Crazy! They are also SO angry! Maybe its the background music, but this is overly intense. These people act like they fighting for world peace instead of for a juicy steak. Weird)

We went back and forth between Disneyland and California Adventure re-riding the best rides and laughing and taking video of each other with our camera.

Lucas got a little dizzy and so we went and watched some of the 3D shows. It seems less interesting now that we can go see a 3D movie in any theater and some people have 3D televisions at home. I dont know that its worth waiting in line anymore for a fan to blow air on your face and a mister to spray you so you feel more involved. I still like it. But I can see how these things are losing their appeal.

While I'm talking about their audience involvement shows I will mention the show "CAPTAIN EO" with Micheal Jackson. WHAT THE HECK?! HORRIBLE! Have you seen it?

We watched the firework show that ended with "snow" and Christmas music and the kids on their parents shoulders to get snowed on. It was really cute. Christmas decorations look so much better with snow than without. (Sorry warm states)

We talked a lot about how fun it will be to bring our kids here, and see their faces as they get into the atmosphere here, and get lost in their imaginations. It is such a magical place and we want to share it!

Before going home we ate the lunches we packed a huge turkey leg, a thing of fries, three churros, two ice cream cones, some waters, two pieces of bread, and a hamburger.

We think we are all theme-parked out for at least the next 7 hours. But tomorrow we go to be in the studio audience for LET'S MAKE A DEAL! Fingers crossed that we get called onto the show to make some deals! Probably won't happen, but maybe our day 2 luck will return.

Oh, and we haven't picked our costumes yet. We'll do it tomorrow?

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Vacation day 1 and 2

What a fantastic start to a vacation!

We were so excited for vacation that we thought something horrible would happen and we wouldn't be able to go.

First, hours before we leave it begins to snow palm sized snowflakes. After looking at my options I pick the only one and ignore it. It works! The snow turns to rain and washes away the snow. It piles up and becomes slush on the side of the road. Our plane will be fine.

Then, while packing the suitcase my back started to spasm and I was curled up on the bed in pain. So instead of going to the Dr. and risking our vacation being delayed, I chose to me smart and ignore it.

It works! My back pain went away.

Next, we are supposed to leave at noon for the airport, but we are also waiting for a GPS that my in-laws are sending that is supposed to be delivered at noon. Cutting it kinda close, eh?

Well guess what? Its our lucky day, and the package arrives about 15 minutes before we head out the door. GPS? check.

Then at the store an hour before we leave for the airport I think I see smoke coming out from under the hood of our car. Dont risk it.

And by "it" I mean ruin the vacation.

I ignored what may have been and did smell a lot like smoke.

It works! We made it to the airport and left my sister with the car.

Hope she's okay.

We were actually surprised by the fact that our SUPER cheap airline tickets were real and we made it through the airport and to our terminal without getting cancer or being groped. Then our plane showed up.

Then we boarded the plane. The plane was real and successfully departed on time. We both slept half of the flight, and were awake to see the seasons change and we magically went from winter to summer in one hour.

We got off the plane and went to the rental car place. We were so happy it was warm and there were palm trees outside that we hardly noticed the rental car place smelled like urine. (Dont they all?) We were also distracted by the HUGE line that wasn't there, walked right up to the counter and got the car and were on the road in about 10 minutes.

Global Positioning System finds our hotel, where we are staying for $17 dollars a night. The reservation is real. We check in. We relax and hang out and do "nothing" because you are allowed to do "nothing" on vacation.

We go to bed early.

I don't fall asleep right away because I'm excited to wake up and go to Disneyland. A man with a really loud and deep voice can be heard through the walls of our room. I say to Lucas, who I don't realize has already fallen asleep, "Do you hear that guy talking?"
He says, "Nope."
I am surprised and say, "Really? You don't?"
He says, "Maybe you have honey in your hair."
hmm. Thats probably it. haha!

Oh, how I love sleep talking. That was the perfect end to a great day!
I am now able to sleep happily.

Day 2 is just as good as day one!

We wake up and aren't even tempted to sleep longer because we get to 1) eat a free breakfast. and 2)Go to Disneyland.

I haven't been since I was ten.

I was so excited I could hardly function. My stomach hurt and I felt like a kid.

We get to Disneyland, find parking pretty easily, get a bus right to the park, walk right up to the gate, our Passes work and we are in!

Lines to get into the park are about ZERO and we just start going on rides and taking pictures instantly. (I'll post pictures when we get home. I didn't bring a memory card adapter)

We decide to hit the rides right away.

The following happens about on about 90% of the rides we went on:

We walk in the entrance, and are surprised while we walk all the way through the empty designated line areas, go right up to the beginning of the ride where a costumed worker says "How many?" we say "2" and they say "gate 1" So we get the front seat.

That exact thing happened over and over and over. It was awesome and weird. How can we be so lucky?!

By 10:30 we have gone on almost every single ride. There were pretty much no lines, and we kept getting the best seat with no effort.

Then after splash mountain we are soaked because we sat in front, and we go to the Mark Twain ferry, and the fake captain comes up to us and says "Is it just you two?" We say "Yes" and he says "I see you got wet on splash mountain, would you like to come up to the wheel room with me?"

SURE! Random!

He takes us onto the boat and into a tiny little room with pictures of Walt Disney there. He explains that that is where Walt Disney would sneak away and take naps and watch the park. We then go up and get pictures "driving" the ferry, and he lets us ring the bell and blow the whistle that is heard through much of the park.

That was fun!

So that is pretty much how our whole day went. Lucky, right?!

At this rate we will likely wake up to a pile of money outside our hotel room door with flowers and a note saying "for you. Just because."

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Decision Made.

Bubble Letter Maker

Thanks everyone for your comments and thoughts on my decision for my major. I have decided on nursing for a few reasons.

A few of you mentioned this in the comments, but I could go into social work but I feel like I would hear so many sad and horrible stories and really might not be able, BECAUSE of my job, to do anything because of the red tape everywhere. I can make more of a difference as a citizen who is trying to help. It makes more sense for me and our family to adopt kids of our own and do our best to give them the best home possible.

I also will be volunteering to help in the foster system in some way. I can make a difference, without making it a full time job where I hear all the sad stories and end up not being able to have the time or clearance to do as much about it as I would like.

Nursing will also allow me to work just a couple days a week and still be a stay home mom the rest of the time. If I was in social work, I know I would be completely consumed in the cases I have and would take them home with me and would never feel okay taking a day off. I would feel guilty taking any time NOT trying to help. It would be all consuming.

Since my ultimate goal is to raise a happy family, and to give the kids we have and adopt the home they deserve...I need to be THERE and I need to be HAPPY.

So I choose nursing.

Now fingers crossed that I get into the program!

How was your Thanksgiving?!

Ours was fantastic.

The people at the hotel where we work were amazing and let us take an early Thanksgiving trip to Colorado ( We were scheduled to work Thanksgiving)
So we drove to Colorado to see our families.

I am like a child. I fall asleep after about 20 minutes on the road, and then wake up and get hyper, then I zonk out again for hours. This happens the whole time.

Moose was fantastic in the car! Some dogs are horrible to travel with, but Moose did so well! He is such a cuddler and such a good dog we didn't really stress about having him in the car that long. Just stopped so he could do his thing every now and then. No accidents!

My favorite part of the drive was driving through Denver and then on to Parker and Littleton to see our families. It is hilarious to observe Lucas. He is usually a little bit of a grump after driving that long, and then its like he smells the Colorado air and his mood improves instantly. He gets smiley and happy and even sits up straighter. He suddenly is very complimentary of me and everything around us. That man loves Colorado. And this is one of the millions of reasons why I love him.

Once in Colorado our time is split between our two families.

One of the first things we did, with both of our families, was go see Molly's new headstone. Lucas and I went first. I was SO nervous as we drove into the cemetery. I was sweating and my heart was beating hard. It was a beautiful day, and we had a bouquet of flowers for her. We got there and walked to where our little girl is resting. It was peaceful, as we always feel around her.

I hated the ground that separated us from her. I took off my shoes and stood on the grass above her. I wanted to dig my fingers into the grass and dirt and find my daughter. I cried and sat down on the ground and we just sat there in silence and tears.

Then Lucas and I split Molly's flowers in half, and gave half to Scarlett, the daughter of another baby loss mom who we have been in contact with. We then gave some flowers to the son of a lady who goes to church with my parents. Then we went back to Molly.

Our families came and we all stood around Mollys headstone and felt her. We missed her. We laughed. Our families are amazing. It was great to be there. I needed that.

On Monday, we ate a beautiful and delicious Thanksgiving dinner a few days early with my parents. They pulled out my great Grandma's china and we ate the fanciest dinner ever to be eaten in that house. It was beautiful, and full of good food and love. My parents have become quite the softies, and they just sit back and look at their grown kids, their grandson, and just smile and smile and want to talk about gratitude and family. Its the best. I love family. I wished all of my siblings and their spouses could have made it, but we have to share now!

We also went to see Harry Potter with Lucas' family and we loved it, again. We are Harry Potter nerds. Its the best. We cant go more than a few weeks without craving a little magic.

The day we were supposed to leave, Idaho was hit with a blizzard. We drove to Wyoming then turned around because we didn't want to risk it. Turns out it was a good idea because roads were CRAZY for all the Thanksgiving travelers. We went back home to wait out the storm, which took two days. It would have been AWESOME to get more time with our families, but instead it was just awesome (without capitals) because Lucas and I both got sick. With different sicknesses. It was weird, but we would rather be sick in Colorado with our mommies than in our apartment without them!

We eventually made it home safely, and are back in the swing of things for a week and a half, and then come this Monday we leave for California!

I can't even express how much we need this vacation.

This year has chewed us up and spit us out. We are exhausted, we feel pulled in a million directions, and we never see eachother. But we are thankful for the help we have recieved, and that we started a vacation jar about a year ago, and now we can finally go get some time for US.

We are going to be silly. We are going to let go. We are going to be happy.

And you know what? We have reasons to be happy. And Molly is the top of that list.