Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Thank You

Yesterday Lucas and I were getting in the car to take Lucas to work, when our apartment manager stopped us and asked us what apartment we live in. He said that we did not owe our full amount of rent due at the end of the week and we could quickly follow him to the office and he would figure out what we still owe. We were excited but just assumed that we had accidentally paid 10 or 20 dollars too much last month.

In the office as the manager explained that someone had anonymously donated to our account. We stood there in shock as he explained how much, and that we now owe practically nothing in rent this month. We couldn't believe it, and just kept saying "Seriously?" It was so unbelievable to us that it was hard to accept it. Someone paid our rent? We asked him who it was and he said he had been sworn to secrecy and he is unable to tell us who did this for us. We knew he wasn't budging. We left his office speechless and completely unable to believe this blessing.

As I drove Lucas to work we just sat there in silence. I began to cry, and Lucas grabbed my hand. We are completely humbled and touched that someone would give us such a huge gift. See, I have been unable to work because of our recent circumstances, and because of being in surgery with the gallstones. My recovery time is almost done, but we didn't know how we were to make up for our loss of income. Not only were we making less than ever, but now we have a pile of medical bills we are currently unable to pay. Whoever gave us this gift has no idea the difference they have made for us.

After dropping Lucas off I drove home and my gratitude boiled out in a form of tears. I cried because of the burden lifted from our shoulders, but more so because of the sweetness, selflessness and love of this anonymous donor. I also cried because not only did they serve us, but they have asked to not be acknowledged for their huge gift. While that makes it extremely hard for me to thank you, it makes me see that this was a true gift of selflessness. It was love.

If you are reading this, I want to thank you. I wish there were more words to explain to you how touched we are, and how amazed we are with your generosity. Our trials have been made easier because of your love, and there are no words to tell you how much that means. Its more than rent being taken care of that has moved us to tears, but it is the knowledge that there are wonderful people like you out in this world. It is the feeling of love that has been wrapped around us by you. I dont know who you are, but I want you to know that I wish I could hug you and do something to thank you as much as you deserve. Thank you, thank you so very much.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

The perfect song

A good friend, Kristin, who has recently also lost her baby girl has helped me a lot as Lucas and I go through this loss. A while ago she sent me a link to a song, but I haven't been able to listen to it until today. Just like I thought I would, I cried through the whole thing.

The lyrics to the song are perfect, and the pictures in the video show many many pictures of Christ with a little girl, and each time to me that girl is Molly. I know she is in good hands, and this video and song were perfect. Thought maybe it would help some of you as well. Thanks Kristin!

Sunday, August 22, 2010


Well my surgery is done, and I dont have to worry about having another attack from gallstones! Hooray! I have been in a really good and happy mood since the surgery. I'm not sure why but I think it may have something to do with the prayers of others again. I love you all. People have been so wonderful!

This is after I woke up and was back in the room with Lucas recovering.

At the hospital I filled out all the forms for the 10000th time this month and got my 4th hospital bracelet, then headed up to day surgery. There I was taken back to a room and told to take everything off and put on a hospital gown. Maybe this is weird, but I LOVE the hospital gown. I think it is so comfortable, and it fits me really well. I liked it so much after my c-section, and I loved it again for this surgery. I think I'll go and ask if I can buy one and wear it as a robe.

The surgeon had another surgery before mine so while we waited Lucas and I watched "Chuck: Season 2" on our DVD player. We are obsessed with that show right now. His family got us watching it, and it is so lighthearted and entertaining that it is just exactly what we needed. I really enjoy it- it gets us both laughing and at times like this we will take all the laughter we can get.

So while we watched the nurses came in and started my IV, which I'm getting used to. Both my hands and both of my elbow pits are all bruised up from IV's, so I look like a drug addict. I've always liked medical atmospheres and watching how they do things, so its fun to watch how they start IVs and give the medicine.

We met with the same anesthesiologist who was there for my C-section. He is a very very nice guy. He asked us how we were doing both physically and emotionally after losing Molly. I was impressed with his sensitivity and by remembering the details of that night. I trusted him completely, and since he was there BEFORE this surgery started I was sure I would feel and remember nothing.

When it was time the nurses came and gave me all the medicine and thats all the pain I felt since it was like fire going into my veins, but it wasn't long and I was out. I dont even remember being wheeled to the operating room.

Here is a video of the surgery:

I woke up and my vision was SUPER blurry and I felt weird but okay. The nurses had to read me some forms to sign because my vision was so bad I couldn't see anything. After recovering for a little while they brought me a wheelchair and wheeled me out to the car where my wonderful husband helped me in and took me home.

I have been really sore since the surgery, but happy still. Last Sunday our Bishop asked us if we would pick a hymn and each take 2 mintues in church to tell a story of why we like that hymn and maybe share what it means to us and then the congregation would sing it. We agreed before we knew I would be having surgery, then the week was crazy and I forgot about it.

This morning we got ready for church (slowly) haha and then I remembered we had to speak a little. After speaking at Molly's funeral we both feel like this is no big deal so we didn't really prepare anything. We just decided to stand and say what we feel about the songs we picked.

It ended up being a very spiritual experience. Lucas picked the song "Be Still My Soul" which is the song that his brother, Brian, sang at Molly's funeral. It was an extremely touching time and has forever become a song that will touch our hearts. Lucas shared his testimony of how the song has been a comfort and it has comforted us at a time of need and how it promises is we endure that we will be able to have what we want...to be with our loved ones and with our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ again.

As the congregation sang the song Lucas and I kinda hummed it because we were both crying. I dont know that I will ever be able to hear that song and not think of how Brian sang it, and think of the feelings of that day with Molly. It was wonderful.

Then was my turn, I chose the song "Because I Have Been Given Much" and shared that we have felt so very blessed through our recent trials by the members of the church, by our friends and family, and by the Lord. The song says that because of all our blessings we should give to others who are in need. It says that service is a way to show our thanks to the Lord. I shared that when we don't know what to do next after hit with a tragedy, that we can turn to service. And it will heal us, and will also show the Lord and our loved ones how thankful we are.

We cried again as the room filled with song. It was beautiful.

Happy Sunday!

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Bitter Sweet

My Nephew was just born a few minutes ago. He was due 7 days after Molly. Molly was born 4 weeks ago today. My sister-in-law, MaShay, and I were pregnant together. It was really fun to compare what we were going through, how we were sleeping, how big our tummies were, our stretch marks, and our excitement.

When Molly died, MaShay and my brother Jason were very sweet and concerned about wanting to be sensitive about how we would feel seeing MaShay and knowing their baby was on his way. And, honestly, I didn't lose an ounce of excitement for them. I still wanted to see MaShay's cute belly, and meet my new Nephew. Lucas and I felt the same way, that seeing a little boy doesn't affect us much at all, its when we see a little girl that our sadness is triggered. So watching her expecting has brough on no bitterness or anger or anything the books say to expect.

I knew MaShay was in labor, and was SUPER excited. I've been anxiously awaiting the news that baby Hank had arrived. I already love him!! I got the text from Jason "He's here! 6 pounds 12 ounces 18 3/4 inches." and got super happy and immediately texted him congratulations and felt a little bit of the happiness that has been missing lately! It feels so good to be so excited for someone!

However, I wasn't expecting what happened just after I settled down from my excitement. I sat at the computer to facebook the good news and saw the background picture of Molly on our desktop. I was hit with an unexpected jealousy, and a painfully strong yearning to have MY baby here too. To send that happy text to the family that SHE MADE IT! I didn't get the happy moment of knowing our family, for now is perfect. For a moment I just let myself sit at the computer looking at her and cry. Lucas is at work and I feel so completely alone. I try to hold my arms as if Molly were in them, and wish so hard that she could appear in them.

I didn't expect myself to get sad when he was born. I didn't think it would affect me, but maybe that was me just wishing I were stronger. It is weird to feel both so very happy and also be so sad at expeciencing one event.

I am very very happy for Jason and MaShay and the proud Aunt of baby Hank. Maybe for now, he is the one who knows Molly the best. And for that reason, I am dying to hold him. I want to kiss his little cheeks and feel his tiny hands and feet. But at the same time I want to run away from everyone that isn't her. I want to run away with Lucas far away and find her. But where can we run? Can we run to heaven? If only.

A lifetime to wait until we can see our Molly again sometimes just feels impossible.

In other news,

The other night I woke up in extreme pain. I got out of bed confused at what was going on, and thought maybe I could just walk it out and paced the apartment for a while in the dark. The pain got worse and worse and worse and I ended up on the floor for about two hours in the fetal position just trying to get through it, but it wasn't going away.

Lucas woke up and noticed I was gone and got up and saw I was in pain. He tried to think of ways to make it go away and said we needed to go to the hospital. The pain was so horrible the idea crossed my mind that it would never go away and I was going to not survive this. The thought for the first time in my life didnt terrify me, but I prayed it wouldn't happen so Lucas would not be left alone.

We made it to the ER around 3:30ish. I was on the floor waiting to be admitted. They got me in and had me answer questions and took my vitals as I was sure my heart and chest were about to explode. I tried to breathe. I got some Morphine (tons of it) and was able to lay and stand still for some x-rays.

Soon a doctor came and told us that he thought I had Gallstones. I would need an ultrasound. we got more painkillers and went home for a couple hours to sleep until we could get an ultrasound to see if that was what was happening to me.

The ultrasound tech only took a second to find my Gallbladder and say "Yeah, there are about a dozen little stones in there"
"how do you get rid of them?" I said.
"They didn't tell you?"
"No. Is it surgery?"
she nods

So tomorrow I take another walk through this continuous "refiners fire" that the last 4 weeks have been and go get my Gallbladder removed. What is weird is that I'm not nervous. I'm not even mad about it.

After losing Molly they could have told me they have to amputate my legs and I would have said "if you need to". I've learned one thing.

We have no control. We just have to accept God's will and know that there is probably a lesson to learn, either for us or for those that observe us, in everything that happens.

And though I know that things could be worse, and that Lucas and I have been blessed in SO SO many ways, sometimes its hard not to just ask. "Why?"

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Molly's Memorial Service

I haven't had the courage to blog since I wrote about our sweet Molly. I haven't known what to say, and a part of me hates that if I blog again Molly's story will move down lower on the page, and it will prove that life, even mine, moves on. But there is beauty in that, and that is part why I am here writing again. Because it shocked me that time kept moving. It amazed us that people around us could continue on with their lives completely unaffected by the fact that ours has changed forever; That our greatest fear had happened. But it shocked us even more that just like them, we had no choice but to get up every morning and keep living. The most shocking thing of all has been that we have been fine.

I am not going to pretend that I dont miss her so much that my heart literally hurts. It does.
I cannot tell you that I dont lie in bed each night staring at the place her crib was set up. I do.
I wont pretend to be so strong that I haven't let myself feel this. That I dont cry when I think of her. I do. I cry on my strong days. The other days I cant let myself start crying because I fear I would never be able to stop.

However, I can tell you that we have been carried through this loss so far. That we have felt comforted by the prayers of the wonderful people who heard of what happened, and asked the Lord to be with us. We have been able to laugh, and be happy. We have been able to use the atonement of Christ in a new way. We have leaned on him for comfort when we cant be strong. We have been able to learn about death, the ressurection, the mellinium, and other gospel truths and instead of feeling cheated out of a life with our daughter...we have been able to feel EXCITED for the time when we will raise her. I have been reading about what Prophets have said it will be like when Christ comes and we will be resurrected, including Molly, and I can tell you that we feel blessed.

Molly has a spirit so pure, that she didn't need to come take the test of life. She just needed a body, so that she can be resurrected. When that happens I will still be her Mother, and Lucas will still be her Father. The world will be better, and Christ will be here. Molly will be raised in a world where Christ governs, and all will learn His truth! We know that Satan will be bound for 1000 years beginning when Christ comes again. So Molly will get to be raised in a world where people will not suffer through temptations, and they will not sin. We have been taught that the world will be free of disease at that time. Now, when we think of it that way, and we focus on the things that we know, how can we feel cheated? We are unable to feel anything but lucky. Because guess who will raise her during that wonderful time? We will.

It is the prayers of our loved ones, the atonement of Christ, and the knowledge of the gospel that has given me enough strength to keep living. To allow myself to move on. Planning Molly's funeral was very hard. Making decisions about a memorial service for our daughter was nearly impossible. But we got through it, and I want to write about it. I have been scared to because it feels so final, but I have to remember that it is not the end, but merely the beginning of our waiting period.

We had made all the decisions during the previous week about how the service would go. The funeral home where Molly was, and where we would have the service, was ready and so helpful that we felt comfortable. However, we felt very anxious when the day came, both because we were expecting it to be the hardest day of our lifes, and we had decided to speak and were feeling nervous about what we would say.

We got to the funeral home and Lucas and I and went into the room where Molly was in her tiny white casket. She looked so beautiful, and peaceful. Many people later said she looked like "a perfect little doll". We felt amazingly at peace there with her, just like when we were saying goodbye at the hospital. We stayed in the room as our families came in to the viewing, to see and say goodbye to Molly. It was amazing to me to see how our families at first were in the room as two families suffering one loss, but after just a few minutes we melted into one family. It was a beautiful moment. We had an amazing family prayer together after all of our hugs, and time alone with Molly, then we walked in to to chapel where more friends and family waited to offer their love.

When we walked in everyone was standing, children's primary songs were playing, and our families took our seats at the front of the chapel. Shortly after, Molly's casket was carried in and set in the front of the chapel. I had expected to feel a rush of emotions so strong I would have a hard time not running from the room, but instead I felt the familiar peace she gave me. Lucas sat with his arm around me as the service began.

Our good friend, Mark Merkling, conducted the service. We sang the song "Families Can Be Together Forever" and then my sister, Sarah, said an opening prayer. I was already crying, but was feeling calmer than I had all week.

Earlier we had asked my Dad if he would speak, and he had agreed and had been spending the last couple days working on his talk. He spent so much time on it, and put so much love into it, and that alone touched me so much that I knew that no matter what he said it would be enough. He filled it with love. He stood up, and gave a wonderful talk, talking about the atonement and what the scriptures say about children. It was beautiful, and almost the entire time he looked right at Lucas and I. It was beautiful, and I was so proud and happy to be his daughter, and that he was Molly's Grandpa.

After my dad spoke, he asked Lucas' Dad if he would speak, and he did. He got up, and shared his testimony, and spoke of his impessions of the week since Molly had passed. His is a strong speaker, and again I felt pride at seeing the strength of my family, and seeing another wonderful Grandpa for Molly.

After John spoke, Lucas' brother, Brian sang the song "Be Still My Soul". The room went silent and he stood at the frong of the room and sang with no accompaniment. His song was beautiful, both the words he sang and his voice. It was amazing, and so full of love. When he finished the number of sniffles in the room went up.

As he sang I got a little nervous as I was up next to say something. I had a little outline of what I wanted to say, but was unable to write anything concrete. When Brian finished, I thanked everyone for their talks, and Brian for his song. I looked over at Molly and decided that I had spent the most time with her, and wanted to share a few of the memories we had with her. I told about the day we found out I was pregnant, about the first time I saw my Belly move, about being pregnant in general, and about the day she was born and our two wonderful hours with her. I was crying through the whole thing, but not so hard that I couldn't say what I wanted to. I then shared how thankful I was to know that Molly was ours, and that we were sealed together as a family forever, and how happy I was to have the gospel. Then satisfied that I had said what I needed to I sat down and watched Lucas stand up.

I am a proud wife. Lucas is terrified of public speaking, it makes him so nervous he can hardly function. But not today. Today he was speaking for his daughter, and he got up to speak and looked intead of nervous, just full of emotion. He looked over at Molly in her casket, and his chin started quivering. He started speaking with a shaky voice, holding back tears, then suddenly as if he were given all the courage in the world (Thank you Molly) he spoke with such power! You could see how much he loved her. You could see how much he loved ME. He spoke of opportunity. Of how this is an opportunity for us to try and live better. How it is an opportunity to get closer to our families, to eachother, and to serve eachother. He spoke on how this is an opportunity to love. It was beautiful and I was so so so proud of him. I am still shocked at the power he had while speaking for his daughter. It was moving, and when he finished the room was a constant chorus of sniffling.

We closed the service singing the song "Nearer My God To Thee" and then my brother, Steven, Said the closing prayer.

After the meeting was closed Lucas and I stood at the front of the room next to Molly's open casket and our friends and family came up and hugged and greeted us and saw Molly. It was beautiful, and I'm so glad we had so much support.

Once everyone was out of the chapel and getting their cars to go down to the graveside, Lucas and I were the last ones there with her. We said our last goodbye, and hugged eachother. Before closing the casket, we both kissed our little angel for the last time. Then Lucas carried her to the hearse outside.

Everyone lined up and drove down to the graveside. There were chairs set up and a table where Lucas again carried her and set her on the table. Then, once everyone was gathered around, Mark explained why we dedicate a grave, and shared a little about what we believe, and then Lucas got up. He then said a beautiful dedicatory prayer on the grave and picked Molly back up, and kneeled down, and set the casket in the ground.

I stood and watched him, moved by how he was handling it. We felt at peace again, and only for a moment did I lose it as it hit me that we were burying our daughter. It all felt so surreal and there was so much love that it wasn't as painful then as it has been at moments in these few weeks since.

Once he set her in the ground, I was given a rose to set on her casket. I kneeled down and gave her the rose and whispered "I love you, Molly" while the tears flowed and it felt more and more real.

We had decided on a balloon release to end the service. We gave one member of all of the extended families who were present and a few close friends a white balloon, and Lucas and I held one white one and the only pink one. The pink Balloon was for Molly. We let hers go first, then after it was a few feet up everyone else released their white ones. It was a stunning and very symbolic moment. We watched as the pink balloon floated up, leading all the white ones into the sky. It was like watching knowing that Molly is now leading our family. It was beautiful.

All in all it was an AMAZING service. It was such a spiritual day and so full of love and hope that instead of being the hardest day of my life, it became one of the most moving. Of course parts of it were unbearable, but the strength we were given was unbelievable.

This is the program that Lucas' Mom and Sister made. It has Molly's handprint on the front of it. It was perfect. Thank you Susan and Hayley!