Thursday, December 29, 2011

Soo Sick

I have the most horrible cold.

The day my sister and her husband left for Utah I realized that I had a really bad sore throat. I hoped it would end there, but I have been so sick for the last two days. I have used an entire roll of toilet paper from blowing my nose so much. I need one of these lovely inventions...

It is really strange to be sick. I almost never catch anything. Lucas gets sick more often than me, and I am never even very careful to avoid him because I usually can be sure that I wont catch what he has. Too bad I was not so lucky this time.

Because I have this nasty head cold sleep is nearly impossible and going out would be pretty ugly, I spent all day yesterday and most of the day today making our adoption blog! There is a little link on our side bar over there -------->>>
Right now it is private because Lucas still has some things he needs to write and help me with, but once it is done I will make it public so you can help us spread the word! please :)

We are waiting to hear from our adoption case worker to let us know when he will be doing our home study and giving us our paperwork.

No word yet from the USPS about the job...fingers still crossed!

In the meantime I will be sitting here on the couch blowing my nose and boring poor Moose to death. (He has been sitting and staring out the window. He is not a fan of this cold either)

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Great Mood

I am in the BEST MOOD.

I don't know if I mentioned it before, but I applied for a job as a mail carrier with the USPS. It would be a great opportunity for our family, and I would make enough to support us so Lucas can focus on school.

I am still waiting to hear if I got into the Nursing program. If I did not I will reapply, and somehow try to do both.
Anyway, I applied a couple weeks ago and heard that they were going to do a background check.

Good sign right?

So today we got a letter in the mail that said my background check processed and I had a copy of it and everything looks great! No secrets here!

So fingers crossed that I get the job! I was just really excited to see that they took another step and paid to do a background check. I was happy to see they were still considering me and it said I should expect word in the next few days! AHH!

More good news,

I drove all of our paperwork down to Idaho Falls today. Our doctor had already mailed in my medical history so we were ready to move on! Immediately I paid the initial fee with LDSFS and they are getting the ball rolling! This means we are officially potential adoptive parents! We still have more work to do, of course, but it was an exciting step! Next we get our home study done. We are very excited to see progress so quickly with everything.

Even though life is still the same day-to-day right now, today felt like two giant steps in the right direction and that just feels WONDERFUL. :)


I love Christmas!

It was so much fun having my sister and her husband here.
My brother-in-law Nathan might have the best comedic timing I have ever encountered. He makes everything funny without being offensive, rude, or crude. It's quite a talent. We spent the last couple days laughing at/with him.

Christmas Eve we all opened one present, we ate way too many snacks, then went to Idaho Falls for some Chinese food. Sarah told us that Chinese food is one of Nathans family's Christmas Eve traditions, so we asked around to try and find where to go get some that was quality. We were told about a place and when everyone was hungry we drove down.

We walked in and I almost gagged because it smelled so bad of old seafood. Strike one. The boys seemed to not be bothered by it, though, so we allowed a hostess to take us to our table. We sit down and all order waters, then after a few minutes we realized we were at a buffet. Strike two. We all get up and go to get our food, everyone is looking unsure at the options and tentatively putting random choices on their plates.

We apologized to Nathan for bringing him here. We all ate the food. It was not gross, but it was not great. It was typical buffet food. Except Nathan came back and told us to be careful because there is an older lady walking around touching the food with her hands and licking her fingers. strike three.

Sorry we ruined your tradition.

In an effort to make me and Lucas feel less crappy about the -4 star Christmas Eve meal Sarah said,
"It's okay. One day we will be rich and we will look back at this from our super fancy sushi restaurant and say 'OH THE DAYYS..' and laugh!" She said it with a fake stuffy rich girl voice and it was so hilarious.

The rest of the time they were here we would randomly say, "Oh the days!" when we were noticing something low quality or feeling rich, or just needing to fill the silence with something funny.

That night we were all playing Monopoly Deal and we got a knock on the door and heard footsteps running quickly away from the door and down the stairs. Lucas went and opened the door and there was a bag on the step. We were given a wonderful meal and a generous christmas gift. The giver was anonymous and as soon as we got it I could not focus on our game anymore because I was all choked up. My eyes watered and I just sat there overwhelmed with gratitude.

We have experienced so many miracles this Christmas Season. People have reached out to us in ways we would never have thought possible, in ways they themselves could not afford, and in ways that will forever bring tears to my eyes. That was one of the moments where I have really felt the Christmas spirit. As people have helped us this season through our loneliness and gave us selfless Christlike love.

I love the holidays.

Christmas morning we all slept in pretty well. We woke up and made bacon and spinach quishe with orange juice, then we visited with Lucas' brother Brian via skype and they watched us open the nice present they got us. Afterwards we took turns and all opened up our presents and went through our stockings.

We were very blessed this years thanks to the generosity and thoughtfulness of our friends and family.!!

After we opened gifts and said thank you's and cried a little we went to church. There were some beautiful (and some sweet and beautiful because of genuine effort) musical numbers.  Sarah was weepy because she was enjoying the words of the Christmas songs we sing and enjoying the spiritual side of the season so much. It was great.

We played games that night, watched Moose chase the ZhuZhu pet we bought him and took it away when he ripped its face off and it was no longer safe for him to chew on haha.

That night Sarah helped me cook the ham, make a fancy salad, and cook veggies. We sat down to dinner and talked and laughed, of course. It was really great.
I ended the night reading from the book sarah got me all about Mother Eve. It is amazing. When I finish it I will do a review on it here, I think.

The next day was my sister's 23rd birthday! We slept in, had a breakfast smoothie from our new blender! (Woo hoo!!) hung out, played some Wii (it really does look good on our dresser btw) then got ready to go down to Idaho Falls to see Mission Impossible and shop around.

In Idaho Falls we walked around the dinky little mall and then quickly left as Sarah realized that Idaho is not the best place to come to buy clothing, and Lucas hit the shopping wall. (Nathan loves shopping, I think it's because he is a designer)

We got burgers at Red Robin for lunch, and did not have them sing Happy Birthday to Sarah because we are huge jerks. (Sorry Sarah! No matter what day it is, when we get together again we will go there just for the clapping and the songs)

We left the mall and went to the theater where seeing an action boy movie refueled Lucas. We chowed down on popcorn, and realized that it is apparent from so many Mission Impossible movies that their missions are in fact possible and we are no longer fooled. Also, that movie makes me hurt all over because Tom Cruise takes such a beating. And he is a really practiced movie-sprinter.

Back in Rexburg we put candles in Sarah's birthday ice cream, sang her a song, and ate some ice cream.
We visited for a minute with our wonderful neighbors, talked to my parents on the phone, played games and hung out.

It was a wonderful Christmas at the Taylor home!

Friday, December 23, 2011

More pictures of Kellen

It has been six weeks tomorrow since we lost him.
We are feeling more ready to share pictures of him and that night we had with him.


These will also be on the "Kellen's pictures" page.

Eli's Birthday

 My younger brother Eli turns 15 today! 
I am 9 and a half years older than him. 
I will probably always think of him like this

Even though he is now my bigger little brother.

I found a lot of pictures of him with one arm out. 

He's a great little brother. He's one of the kindest people I know and he is absolutely hilarious and fun to be around. It's no wonder the ladies love him.
He also plays guitar like he invented it and does everything else that is cool.
Lucas told me the other day that "Eli is the best looking Hermann."

I agreed.
Because I'm a Taylor now.


Thursday, December 22, 2011

Random Thought Thursday

I haven't purchased anything to give Lucas for Christmas. I did order that Insanity program, but I told him about it. I think we are both counting it as our gift to each other.

Once when my sister Sarah and I were teenagers my Dad started complaining that we didn't know how to cook. He told us we had to make dinner that night. We fought him and said we knew how to cook, although Ramen and Cream  of Wheat was probably all the experience we had. So we went to the store and got a ham and some potatoes and made Ham and a potato casserole and I think some vegetables. It was EASY but it looked beautiful on the table and it pleased my dad. I plan to use the same trick to convince Lucas and Nathan that we know how to cook Christmas dinner. Dear pre-sliced ham, I thank you.

Sarah and her Husband Nathan are coming up from Provo to spend Christmas with us. It's going to be pretty low-key compared to what I grew up with, but at least this year we wont be alone. 
I am nervous about how difficult the holiday will be. Hopefully, having family here will help it to feel less lonely without Kellen or Molly.

The other day Lucas was sitting on the couch looking at the Tree and saw an ornament that my Mom got for us last year. Next to a painting of an angel it says,
"For without being seen, they are present with you." 
He called me over to look at it. He pointed to the word "they" and said, "look, Amber!" 
When we got this it was only Molly we were missing.
But as if this were always going to happen, as if it were meant to be, the ornament says "they."

Yesterday I was driving to visit Lucas at work and I heard a radio ad for a local Mexican Restaurant.
It said something like
"fresh cut veggies blah blah blah, burritos! Authentic mexican flavors! blah blah...
Come on in and try our infamous tacos!..."
Infamous Tacos. INFAMOUS?
Is that a dare? 
(Kudos to the writers of this ad for honesty, I guess)

We almost got a puppy today. He was adorable and I asked the lady to hold him for us so we could come look at him tonight. (If we look at a puppy, we will buy him. We are both suckers for puppies.)
Then I realized, if we get a puppy...he might poo on our new rug.

I cancelled the appointment. I really love that Moose can hold it something fierce.

Why is it that when we potty-train our kids we train them to go in the potty, but when we house train our dogs we train them to go in the yard? Shouldn't we say they are yard trained? Or maybe our kids are Underwear trained? 

Also, how come when someone has an affair and the woman ends up pregnant that baby is called a "love-child?" I asked Lucas this once. He did not know.
I think that child should be called a "lack-of-love child" Right?
Some things to think about.

I have to go buy a ham now. 
I just got the mail and there was a present from my sister for her husband. 
Now I feel guilty for not getting Lucas anything.
Except wait- he gets a ham. 

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

1st adoption appointment

We woke up early today and got ready for our adoption appointment!
Even though it was just an initial interview, it was really exciting because it was our first official step towards starting the process of adoption.

The plus side to going to the appointment:
- The case worker was really really kind.
- We meet the first qualifications, and he didn't see any reason why would wouldn't be able to qualify!!
- He thought we would get chosen fairly quickly. Though that was only his opinion it was still nice to hear it.
- We just have some paperwork to do and the starter fee to pay (still leaves me speechless the miracle of being able to pay this) and then we will be able to get our profile online for potential birth families to see.
-We already gave our doctor the paperwork to fill out about my medical history with pregnancy and fertility, so that should be filled out and mailed to LDSFS (the agency) really quickly.
-Lucas and I would be thrilled to adopt a special needs child. Because we desire this, the chance of placement increases. In order to support these wonderful babies finding homes, special needs children have a smaller placement fee, sometimes the entire fee is waived.
-We feel happy and hopeful. The caseworker made it all seem like something we can do, we just need patience.
-The caseworker told me that if someone contacts us privately, not through the adoption agency, and is interested in our family for a placement, he would still help us get everything we need done with no extra fee.
-The office had pictures of Christ holding small children all over the place. They all made me think of Kellen and Molly.

The downside to going to the appointment:
-It was fairly discouraging to hear the caseworker say "thousands of couples" in the database. How will we ever get found?!
-Now that we have started the process, it is all I can think about. I can hardly focus on anything at all. I already filled out our applications, and have gotten everything ready I can up to this point. I am dying to get everything our references need done too.
-Making adoption a reality, though exciting, is slightly discouraging simply because we can be looking many  years down the road until we ever hear one of our children cry.

 It's sometimes so hard to believe this is my life.
I can't believe how lucky I am to be married to Lucas.
I can't believe that Molly and Kellen, those beautiful babies, are ours! Their stories make me cry because we lived it, we held them.
We lost them.
We are now trying to adopt. We always knew we would adopt but we never imagined we would be adopting so soon.
Life is unpredictable. Usually other people go through these things, but this time it's US.
It's a bit hard to believe it.


I feel a little more ready to start making Kellen's scrapbook. I know it will be hard, as was Molly's, but I think I will be able to handle it a little better than the last time I tried. 


Today I laughed at Lucas. (surprised?)
He walked up to the dresser we keep our TV on and said
"A Wii would look so good up here."
But I heard
"We would look so good up here."
So I said, "We would? uh, yeah." 
Lucas says, "Wii. Oh, 'we' would? Like us?"

Then I realized he meant a Wii game system and I said, "Ooooh A WII! Yeah it would. I thought you said WE would look good up there! hah! Lets crawl on up!"

So he did. 
He crawled up onto the dresser and said
"C'mon honey, get up. We would look so good up here!"

I took a picture. It's blurry because I was laughing and using my cell.

Monday, December 19, 2011

Adoption appointment

We have an appointment with LDS Family Services on Wednesday!
We will be starting the process towards adoption and having our first interviews.
I am so nervous but also excited to be taking steps.

I don't even know if we qualify financially, but we will be applying.
We are also considering going through the county and doing foster to adoption.

The hard thing about fostering is that I dont think my heart can take it if we fall in love with a baby or child and cannot adopt them. If we have to say goodbye again we would probably break.
Wednesday is the start of us getting the ball rolling and learning all we can, applying for adoption, and filling out our adoption profiles.

We want to be parents in this lifetime so desperately.
I'm afraid that our children, no matter how they get here, will not be able to blink an eye without us bursting into tears out of love for them.
They will be so annoyed of how much we appreciate every second of having them with us.
But, at least they will know how loved they are.

 I'll post how things go and of course, when we have our adoption profile I will link to it. It will be wonderful to have any assistance in getting the word out that we are hoping to adopt.

Wish us luck on Wednesday!

Of Love and Loss

Sundays are always very emotional, and today was no exception.

My heart was full as we talked in church about the meaning of Christmas.
I felt closer to God as I realized that He sent His son here. Christ was born and raised, then God had to watch Him suffer in the garden and on the cross. I know He ached for His son from beyond the veil.
My longing for my children helps me to better understand God and who He is. It helps me to understand His sacrifice. I am glad to even know Him a little better.

We heard beautiful songs and talks today about Christmas and they really got me feeling the spirit of the holiday. I love feeling closer to spiritual things, as naturally, it makes me feel closer to Christ, and to Molly and Kellen. <3

After church today I heard about a girl I went to school with here about 5 year ago. We were never very close, she was the friend of a friend. Today I learned that she lost her son at about the same stage in her pregnancy as I was when we lost Kellen. My heart broke to hear it. Even having gone through it before, I can honestly say that I struggle for the words to say. I can relate to the pain and the sorrow, and even the comfort and support to the joys and miracles, however words still fail me.

I long to hug her forever.
I wish I had the power to bring her baby back. I want to put him in her arms so this Christmas as all talk about the birth of Christ, both of us wont have to ache as we remember how empty our arms are.

Though, despite the sadness- I am trying to be grateful. A friend of mine emailed me and said "God uses all things for good." I really do believe this. So in an effort to do as he challenged me I will count the blessings through all of this.

#1  I can be there this sweet girl.
#2  She can be there for me.
#3  We both become stronger as we see what the Lord has trusted us to endure.

I am going to find a way to get the courage to go see her and her husband this week. I know from experience that nothing I give her can take her pain away, but I know that every note, hug, smile, gift, and show of support is part of a huge healing process.

Hope you had a wonderful Sunday!

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Small step

Last night our friend came over. She showed up at our apartment with a black file box in hand.
When she came in and sat down she said she wanted to show us some things.

In the box were her memories and her pictures, the things she finds joy and comfort in when it comes to her son. She told us then details of the feelings and events leading up to placing her son up for adoption.
She expressed to us some of the feelings she has about adoption. She loves the couple who adopted her baby, and told us that she knows he was meant to be theirs. She considers herself the vessel that was needed at the time to get their child to them. She expressed the pain of being a birth mother, the love involved in making her decision, and the joy that adoption and the knowledge that her son is with his family brings.

My eyes were fairly raw from wiping away the water that kept filling them. Her story was beautiful and her heart is beautiful. Her story helped us to know what adoption can be not only for us and the baby, but also for the birth mother.  She helped teach us that adoption is what you make it. She made her decision out of love, and she chose what was best for her baby then, and when she misses him she chooses to be grateful for the couple who are now his Mom and Dad.

She left with us the book and letters that helped her decide to place her baby with that family, as well as some of the paperwork and things that we will be filling out when we adopt.

It was emotional and I am so glad to have her perspective as a birth mom to help us through our adoption process.

Our friend Derek is in a class this semester that teaches about family relationships, and they were assigned a project. A couple weeks ago he asked us if he could use some pictures of our family for the project, both of us and of Molly and Kellen. We agreed and gave him a disc of pictures.

Then last  night Derek and his wife asked if they could come over.
We let them in and we all sat and talked for a while, then they asked if we wanted to see the project, which they were giving to us. I was nervous because I knew he had pictures of my babies and I was nervous about the emotions of whatever this gift would bring. Of course though, I wanted to see it.

He pulled then out of a bag a white picture frame. It was framing the Proclamation to the Family, which was printed on a picture of Lucas and I. It is beautiful. We admired it and Derek said, "So first that was you two." He reached back in the bag and pulled out a smaller white frame, "Then came Molly." He handed us our favorite picture of Molly printed and framed, and her name was printed there. I can't hold it in and I start to cry.
Derek says, "And then there was Kellen." A second white frame with our favorite picture of Kellen printed with his name. I cried more, and Lucas and I oohed and aahed over how beautiful this was. Then Derek said, "And then, Amber, your testimony in church you said something that really struck  me. You said that the closer you and Lucas get to Jesus Christ, the closer you feel to your children." Then he pulled out another large white frame and handed us a beautiful picture of Jesus Christ.

We were both floored. The four pictures together were so beautiful. We immediately wanted everyone we know to come over and see them. We have been wanting to frame pictures of Molly and Kellen, but this was so much better.

We hugged and thanked them and my eyes would not stop watering. They stayed and talked a while more.

Today I hung the pictures up on our wall. I'm in love.

Isn't it beautiful?! LOVE IT.

So after all that crying I had a HORRIBLE head ache, and I accidentally took too much migraine medicine.

I then spent the next 5 ish hours unable to sleep, high on caffeine, thinking of Christmas gifts and business ideas. I walked around the house super hyper and tried to get tired by playing with our scanner, haha.

It feels so good to have those pictures up on our wall. All day today I have been standing and looking at them. I also worked on some Christmas gifts, ran errands with Moose, and visited Lucas at work. Then tonight we went to dinner with his co-workers and we laughed a lot and talked. There was a baby boy there, about one year old, and I couldn't stop staring at him. A baby is such a miracle.

Also, I am going to start trying to reply to your nice emails, it will be a while because I want to genuinely answer each email with as much heart as was put into them. Please know I have continued to be grateful for everything you have done for us.


Today I laughed at Lucas and his co-workers. They play this game at work in the back room where they cut like an 8 square inch hole in a box. Then they stand behind the box and their belly's are the only thing exposed through the hole. 
The other co-workers than take turns using rubber bands and hand rolled paper "bullets" to shoot their friends in their guts. 
That is a weird activity a group of bored men would think up, but what made me laugh is that they
call the game "Sweet Bread" haha?!  I asked what sweet bread is and they all touched their bellies. Lucas rubbed his belly and goes, "THIS is sweet bread." haha WHAT?

Today and yesterday I have been laughing at this video:

Friday, December 16, 2011

Pictures and a Full Cup

I have looked at Kellen's pictures so many times today.
It is a strange feeling to look at his little body.
Every part of me wishes I could see that tiny chest moving up and down full of air.
I want to see what color his eyes are.
I want to hear his cry.
But usually, the only cry I hear is my own as my fingers touch his face in the photo.
Pictures of Kellen is what fills my mind and my time right now.

I remember the picture stage with Molly, too.
At about this time after we lost her it was what I turned to when things start getting back to normal.
When I feel happy and normal during the day I looked at her pictures to remember why I am me.
To remember the feeling of holding her.
I didn't want to feel normal again, because she made me more.
I look at pictures to have something to remember them.

I love pictures because they help me remember what is unique about the two days I had with my children.
I remember that I loved Kellen's tiny little chin.
I loved Molly's beautiful lips.
I loved that Kellen had huge shoulders like his dad.
I loved that Molly had tiny legs like her mom.
I loved that Kellen kicked so much, he was so wiggly.
I loved that Molly fought to be with us for two hours, breathing on her own.
I loved that they both had strawberry blonde hair.
I loved that they both had super long fingers.
I loved the way they looked like each other.

That is why I love pictures.

But, I love the way they feel.
I love that Molly feels calm, she feel kind, and she feels strong.
I love that Kellen feels brave. He feels patient. He feels witty.
 I love that they make us better.
I love the way thoughts of them being our children makes me so happy.
I love that they are ours to miss.
I love their names.
I love their pureness.
I love that they make me a mother.
I love them.

What I had of them was temporary- it was fleeting and is in the past.
But the love I have for them will ALWAYS BE PRESENT.
Never loved, but always love.
Always. Every day. Every second. 

I think, because we have gone through this before, we have come to a sort of peace about Kellen quicker than we did with Molly.  Part of me feels guilty about that, like I owe them equal sorrow time. But at the same time, I am wiser now. The things that we know make us so proud of Kellen and Molly, so equally in love with them both that we are finding that our acceptance that Kellen was taken is very nearly matching the acceptance we have found that Molly was.
We find joy in the thought of them being together.
It has helped us to see a future here sooner than we did last time.

Thinking about adoption has brought a new hope to us. We are very aware that it will be a long and difficult journey. To us that means we just keep walking on this already difficult path. We are no strangers to this path. Our road to parenthood was meant to be difficult, so adoption will fit right in. It will be hard to wait. Hard to deal with the red tape. Hard to know that somewhere there are birth parents who's loss is our joy. 
However, we know that in the end the Lord will have his hand in everything, and our children will find us.
Today I found out that the fees to get started with the adoption process and to do the home study and fill out the paperwork will cost quite a lot of money. That is extra money that we don't have. The thought of saving that made us feel like it would be so long to pay the initial fee that I got discouraged. Then today I found out that a wonderful family member has given us a donation to help ease our burdens.  They didn't know it, but the amount they gave was the exact amount we need to save.

My mom told me today and I burst into tears. I couldn't even say anything to her on the phone because I was so happy. I just cried and cried. People are good. The Lord blesses us. It felt meant to be. 

We don't want to "jinx" it, but we have felt so pushed towards adoption right now. It feels early but it feels strangely right. Then as we have researched it and talked to people and then this blessing today, it has seemed that there is a reason everything is coming together right now. Everything has been unexplainably perfect. Who knows, maybe it is working quickly because we need to feel hope for the future to heal. Maybe it is because there are children out there who needs us sooner than we expected. I dont know why and I no longer ask why, but I'll take it. 

So much gratitude today, it feels great.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Good Salad!

Tonight we had dinner with our friends the Morgans. She made delicious enchiladas, rice, and a salad with sparkling cider.

After we ate we made sugar cookies and frosting and played with their x-box kinect. It was so hilarious to watch people playing the games and dancing.

We laughed a ton while we were there. One of the things I will remember that we laughed at is something Lucas said.
We were eating and it got quiet for a second while everyone was chewing.
Lucas, in a very serious voice announced,

"Well the salad is good but everything else is gross."
It got quiet for a second and then Taylor, who made the meal, started laughing so hard and I looked at Lucas in shock until I realized he was kidding and I laughed my head off.
Then I put my head back on. That was so unexpected and hilarious. Of course he did tell her he thought it was delicious later. :)

It great spending time laughing with friends. It was our first time really hanging out with them and it was really fun. Too bad they are moving on Sunday. 

Lucas' Day Off

Lucas is off work today! I love when he has an off day.
We had a check-up doctors appointment around 11 so I got up and took care of Moose and Voldemort, washed last nights dishes, did a load of laundry, cleaned up the apartment, took a shower, got ready, and ate breakfast before Lucas got out of bed!
This man can NEVER sleep in so I know he needed it. It was about 10:30 when he walked into the hall with his hair all flat on the side of his head and a big smile on his face.

Sleeping in makes for a happy husband!

He was super cheerful and energetic, took a quick shower, got dressed and was chatty as we drove to my appointment. I love when he gets tons of sleep! He is usually so quiet that it is fun to hear him hyper because he caught up on sleep.

We talked about our hopes for adoption in the car, and then we we got to the office we got a little quiet. It was weird to be back there in this room full of pregnant women. We waited a minute and then got called back into an office where they gave me a tissue paper suit to put on.

I felt like I was in a space movie and I was in a weird costume. The top is like a belly shirt with huge square paper shoulders and the bottom is a slightly too small blanket to wrap around me.

I kept tearing it as moved around. Oh well, there is no shyness in an OB office.

The doctor came in and talked to us. He asked very kindly how we were doing and then spent about 15 minutes talking to us about what we were going through. He said he lost two children too. A girl first and then a boy, like us.

He showed us a picture of his wife at their daughter's grave. It was very sweet of him to be real with us before he had to do be the doctor. He even got choked up as he talked about how emotional it can be and that it's okay to seek help. He gave us the number of some local counselors we can see if we feel we need to have someone to share our feelings with that will just listen and be a good way to organize our thoughts and see that we are normal. We'll consider it. I can see how it would be helpful for everyone to see a counselor, let alone people going through stuff, so we might give it a shot.

After we were done talking a nurse came in to be in the room for the checkup. 10 minutes later I had been fully violated and had the doctor's assurances that I was healing really well and looked great.  I have had some soreness deep in my abs near my hip bones so I have stopped doing crunches until I feel more fully healed form the cesarean.

We left and were told to come back in July for our yearly appointment. July will be 2 years from Molly's birthday, so it was weird for him to mention an appointment for then. Time is so strange- sometimes so fast you try to cling to every second, and others so slow you want to slam your face into your keyboard. haha maybe not.

When we got in the car I read a text from a friend who said her friend just adopted a baby girl and that her and her mom would be a good resource to have as we go through the adoption process. I am excited to have someone to tell us what steps to take and to reassure us when things might get frustrating. It's a long process and we are nervous and excited about starting it.

Yesterday I requested having a packet sent to us with information and an application for becoming a foster parent and for adoption, as well as information on a home study and local PRIDE classes we will need to take.

I talked to my friend for a while and then her friend called me and talked to me about her adoption and the steps she took as well as all the emotions that come with adoption. It was really nice to talk to someone who has been through it.

Lucas is so ready. Today we were talking about how soon it is and if we were emotionally ready to adopt. Lucas said, "I'm so ready to have a baby in our house. I'm just ready. Like something else has changed me and I'm ready to have a screaming baby keeping me up all night." Just a little while ago he didn't even want to talk about it, so it really does feel like his heart was changed and he was strengthened to be ready to not only talk about it, but to start the process. He feels like our children might already be born or be coming soon, and we need to be READY. So we will be.

We will go talk to the local LDS Family Services office soon and see what steps they need us to take.

In the meantime, we just keep on keepin' on.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

 Holding Kellen. Oh, how we long for him.


On Sunday Lucas had to speak in church despite the fact that he had almost no voice due to being sick for the entire week. (He is just now starting to get back to feeling normal and it's Wednesday.)
The end of the week leading up to Sunday he kept trying to think about what he would say when he got up but he had a hard time settling on anything.
He usually goes to his YSA ward, and I go to the family ward. However, whenever he conducts the meeting or speaks I want to go and see him. This time, I'm sure because he didn't know what he would be saying, he said it would make him nervous if I was there.
Even though that is adorable, I only kinda honored his wishes.
I joked that I might try and sit where he wouldn't see me or know I was there, but since he sits on the stand he can see every seat.
When his meeting was about to start I sent him a text to wish him luck and tell him I knew he would be amazing.
Then I got dressed and went to his church building.

I can't stand not being there.
If you have heard him speak before you'll understand.
He is a wonderful and powerful speaker.
I had to be there.

So I hid in a back room until the meeting had been started about ten minutes.
Then I tiptoed into the back of the auditorium (their ward meets on the College campus) and hid in the curtains where I could hear the meeting. haha.
Groups of kids came in late and see me standing there and they would stand there too, as if I was waiting for the right time to go in. haha.

I would whisper "oh- go ahead. I'm hiding." I got some weird looks.

When Lucas got up to speak he shared a beautiful testimony. He talked about how important it is to have courage to come closer to Christ and follow promptings we have to rid our lives of things that do not bring us closer to the Lord. He shared a personal story of choosing something he liked to do but gave up, not because it was a bad thing to do, but because it was not necessarily a GOOD thing to do. He bore his testimony and closed his talk.

Since he was sick his voice was cracking and would randomly go out while he was talking. That didn't keep the spirit from reaching me back in my hiding spot :)

When he finished I peaked my head out of the curtain and saw him on the stand and gave him a thumbs up and then went back into the hall to find a seat and wait for the meeting to end.

He wasn't mad I came, he laughed that I hid in the back. I didn't not want to make him nervous so I didn't want him to know I was there until after. haha He told me he didn't know what he was going to say until the minute before he had to stand up, and even then some of it he just said as it came to him.

I cannot do that. He's great.
In other news, we started researching adoption and fostering. It is still early, but we have both felt okay about it. We feel ready to grow our family, and though grief is still there it is slowly becoming less all-consuming. Every day we still wake up wanting children. We miss our babies, but we know they are safe and happy. We know they are all around us and they dont want us to be so sad. Thinking of the joy having kids in our home will bring is healing.

If the Lord needed our children to come to us through adoption or fostering to adoption, then we will be ready no matter when the time is right. Even though it is soon to start the process, we want to be ready for whenever the kids who are meant for us need to be here.

Lucas said he wasn't ready until last night when I mentioned it and he said something just "clicked."
He knew he was ready to start the process.
He wants to be a Dad with children here and we both know that nothing will change the love we have for Molly or Kellen, so why not now?

We are nervous but excited. While we were lying in bed lest night we talked for a second about how life is so unpredictable. Where will we be in 3 more years? How will our family have changed then? What trials will we have been trusted to shoulder? What blessings will we be blessed to experience and obtain?
We know now that we can never know what is coming our way, we just want to be ready.

We have a "Christmas Elf" this year.
We do not know who you are, but thank you for thinking of us!
We love you.
I  have laughed a lot the past couple days.
I laughed while wrestling with Lucas.
We laughed while sitting on the couch talking in weird voices to each other.
As usual we laughed at Moose.
I laughed at some of the funny videos people send me.

This morning we laughed at Moose. He crawled up on the couch next to me and got comfortable.
Comfortable for him is not what you would expect and it looked so funny! He sat there for a long time so we snapped a picture. hahaha! Oh, Moose. You're so cool.