Wednesday, March 19, 2014

It's been lovely



When you make the details of your life and your emotions public, you let people in. You invite them to get to know you.  I have been comfortable with and comforted by being "out there".  I have been blogging for maybe 6 or 7 years, and the whole time I have been sharing (with anyone who wanted to anonymously know) many of my intimate details and emotions. I have lived my highs and lows and honestly shared it here. I have loved it. I loved letting people in and sharing our story.

I have felt myself changing through the last few years. I have developed social anxiety, telephone anxiety, and become much more introverted. I was thinking this might be because loss and grief like ours changed me. However, I also think that it was party because I chose to go through those things so publicly.  I used to love being around others because I loved them so naturally, I was comfortable being me, and I loved when others were themselves. I loved the mutual exchange of friendship and I thrived on it.
 
Online, I let people in to see me, but this blog is a one way glass. People are getting to know us, but I am getting to know very few. Here, I had a virtual support system that was true and uplifting, but I felt very anxious in the "real" world simply because I didn't know who knew what personal details about my life. I also feel a bit of guilt for running into people who are thrilled to see me, and know so much about me and my life and shared such genuine love for us, and I could not return the favor. I don't know what is going on in their lives anymore and sometimes I don't know them at all.

Too often, people would ask how I was doing and  as I responded, I would continue to talk about myself. I had made my story available and they were interested and asking about it. So, this made it too comfortable and easy not to ask people about their lives. It became an unintentional habit of selfishness.

Sometimes after leaving a conversation I would replay it in my head and realize that not once did I ask them about their life.  This disappointed me. I had grown used to people being interested in me, and had lost one of my favorite parts of myself; I used to love how I loved outwardly.

I am uncomfortable being a person who is uncomfortable being around others.

 So, after much thought I have decided not to continue publicly blogging our story. This has been a constant source of love and I would not trade what I gained from this blog. I have sat here and read your comments and cried and cried because the outpouring of love from you was overwhelming. I will miss that.

So this will be my final public blog for now.  I am going to be spending more time with my amazing family, and being a mother, a wife, and a friend.

Thank you for lifting and loving us. Your support has meant more than I can tell you. Thank you for listening.  It has been lovely.

With love,

Amber





Friday, January 24, 2014

Crazy Eyes

Graham's first ever wet willie. He liked and hated it all at once. Also, yes, I submitted this to Ellen.

Thursday, January 23, 2014

"You know how her mind works - it's like a mouse on a wheel except the wheel spins sideways and the mouse is blind and has a really bad sprained ankle."



Sometimes when I tell stories of the way Lucas jokes around he sounds like a pretty big jerk. Luckily he's not and the way he laughs at his cleverness is the cutest thing ever.  Here are two gems from today.

 Butterface
Lucas is sitting on the couch and I walk in the room. He kinda motions at me and says, "I like your body."
Me: "Thanks"
Lucas (making a motion circling my face): "I mean your face is Meh...but that body.." (*Thumbs up*)

 Literal Interpretation
Me: "Do you know how cute I thought it would be if we had a little girl next and she called Graham 'Gwaham"?
Lucas: "No I dont because I DONT know your THOUGHTS. So...No I didn't know how cute you thought it would be! (looks at me like I'm an idiot)  So the answer to your question is NO."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The whole family got sick this week. Graham got sick at church on Sunday and for the next three days it was coming out of both ends. Then yesterday Lucas and I were both sick and let me tell you, having a sick baby and being sick and having a sick husband makes for one pathetic sight. Our apartment was a wreck because everything we had to use was used but we didn't have the energy to put away and there were pillows and blankets and spit rags and bowls of uneaten soup everywhere. It was chaos. Then add that to Graham thinking his bedtime is 3am and we were a fussy bunch over here. Were feeling mostly better today. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*
Have you seen the show "Traffic Light" on Netflix? Holy Smokes. We laughed SO much. It got cancelled after one season and, as Lucas puts it, it was a TV Tragedy. We're kinda obsessed with it and keep talking about it and then getting sad all over again that it was cancelled. Its so much better than Modern Family. I think it was just bad timing.

This gave me hope for netflix shows though, anything on Netflix we should watch? (We dont pay for cable or Hulu Plus, so Netflix is pretty much our only option)

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

We took Graham to the Doctor's office today and he weighed 15 pounds.
This happened when setting the appointment:
Dr Office "And what is your baby's first and last name?"
Me: "Graham Taylor"
DO: "And what is your first and last name?"
Me: "Susan Taylor"
DO: "Okay"
Me: "I mean Amber. My name is Amber."
Lucas: "Wow"


Also, they put us in a room and forgot about us for an hour. Then the Doctor came in after Lucas went and reminded them we were there. She apologized while staring at the floor and explained that she had an "emergency". I think it was that her Lunch was in dire need of being eaten, but maybe I'm just still leftover fussy from last night.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~


Monday, January 20, 2014

Cute+Cute+Cute

Some of our best friends, Carrie and Scott, have decided to move to Colorado! We are SO excited! This last week Carrie flew in to Denver with their sweet little baby, Ruthie. (Future Mrs. Graham Taylor) We went to Colorado Springs to look at houses for their family and spent a few days together on the hunt. It was SO fun and good to see them. Ruthie and Graham were adorable together, it was a cuteness overload. We had a ton of fun and laughed a lot, and I wish I would have written down some of the awesome stuff we laughed at because we would have been hired as stand up comedians.  Ruth is six weeks older than Graham, but she has bird bones and he is filled with cement. They make a cute pair.  Also, how did I not know how cute Colorado Springs is?! Now I want to move there!
For the wedding video
Sweet little Ruthie was so cute and easy!

Carrie is a hot mama and looks like Rachel Weisz.

Graham had his first sick day. It's never good when more comes out of your baby than goes in, and it just breaks your heart. Luckily, he is getting back to normal, but seems to be grateful not to be sick anymore and has been so happy! Maybe the stomach bug is what he needed to get over his colic. (I dreamed a dream...) Also, moose and Graham had some good cuddles together, and a puppy cuddle makes everything better.



Lucas is hilarious today. Some of these things you would have to be here for them to be funny, but I want to remember them so I'm blogging it. I do what I want.  mmmk?

I was sitting at the table holding Graham and Lucas was making dinner. Graham somehow slipped under my arm and bonked his head on the table. I feel terrible so I get up and go in the other room to kiss him and cuddle him. A few minutes later Lucas says from the kitchen, as if he has a great idea, "Honey! Do you want to come whack his head on a cabinet in here? You seem to be into that sort of thing..." I called him a brat and could hear him laughing at himself in the other room. :P

Just now Lou was back changing Graham's daiper. After a second I heard Lucas happily say, "YOU PEED IN YOUR PANTS! OH! You peed in your pants, Mr!" followed by major baby giggles that melt your heart. I went back to spy on them and it was so cute. One of the best parts of being a mom is honestly watching Lucas be a dad. I left them to their fun and a few minutes later Lucas came out and said, "Cutest five minutes of my life!"

I was really tired and was watching Graham have tummy time. He hasn't yet learned that he can use his arms for anything but he will lift himself up on his knees as if to crawl and then kinda slide on his chest. I said to Lucas, "LOU! Look at him! If he can learn to hold himself up with his arms and then use his knees he will be able to crawl!" to which Lucas smartly replied, "I think all babies do that." lol

Lucas has had so much fun with Graham just now and he was playing with him and then he said he needed to wash his hands so he handed the baby to me and then on his way back he sang, "I want my baby back baby back baby back! I want my baby back baby back baby back!" and he came and took him back.

I love my boys.

Friday, January 10, 2014

You win some you lose some


My parents got Graham a teddy bear for Christmas. One day Moose saw it when I lifted it up to play with Graham after changing a diaper. He decided then that the bear was his greatest desire. He wants it with all of his heart. As often as he can, Moose goes back to the nursery to bark at the bear and jump up to see it on the dresser. I have not given it to him, but I have a feeling he won't give up the pursuit. I'll keep you updated on the progress of their relationship.    Moose-0  Amber-1

Tonight, Lucas was sitting on the couch and I sat down on his lap and cuddled with him. Moose got jealous and happily hopped up to join us. We laughed and played with Moose for a second. When Moose hopped down I leaned forward and nibbled on Lucas' ear. He smiled and said, "Moose just licked that ear."          uh. Moose-1 Amber-1






Wednesday, January 8, 2014

A good book (and videos!)

There is a quote on my parent's fridge that says,  "The years teach us much which the days never knew." I believe its a Ralph Waldo Emerson quote. I feel like at this stage in my life I am enjoying one of the years lessons, though I am sure there are things my current days wont understand until years down the road.
The quote always makes makes me think of our story.
I have this image of the book of my life, where the chapter on us becoming parents was long and hard to read. Sometimes I just wanted to throw the book away and yell "Who wrote this book?! Why is every page so hard to finish?!" Or I'm crying all over the pages hoping my tears will smear the words and change our story. But then you get to the part of the book where Graham enters our life, a tiny wiggling bean of a person, and suddenly I'm flipping pages as fast as I can because I just hope the chapter has a good ending. Then he's born and after years of forcing myself to read on or speed reading sections that hurt, or skimming hard chapters, I get to the part I've waited for. The page for September 12, 2013 just says, "He is here, and he was worth it."


Every day for the last four months the book was easy to read, it just says "Happiness" on every page.



 So that's my weird reason for not blogging more. There are no words. The story is simple and short. I honestly pulled up the page to write a new blog about ten times and tried to write but the only thing I could think to write every time is "I love him." and then I miss him and get back to momming.
I'll try to start posting more, because I do believe details are important and I want to record more and share our miracle with our friends and family.  I am just enjoying the fact that little things don't feel as important to write about when I'm so overwhelmed with love for our little boy. (Plus he is pretty colicky, and most of my time my arms are full and blogging isn't even on the radar.)

**If you have Instagram, you can follow me and get little picture and updates of what is going on with us. It's fast and easy and I love it. My username is AmbSueTay and you'll get way to many "InstaGraham" pictures of our little boy. **

Also, please enjoy this hilarious twelve second clip that I have watched 1,345,633,463 times and its still funny.



And this of Graham laughing at Moose





 Details In The Fabric was my blog title a long long time ago. It's back for now. :)