Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Just one of those moments

Today has been good.

I slept in, I played with Moose.
I studied, and enjoyed being a student.
I ate too many cookies.
I watched some TV and loved not going to work at 3.
I spent time with my wonderful husband.
Interview with my bishop. Such a good man.
I went to a study group and figured out I know all I need to for my test.
I left and got pulled over by a cop.
It was no big deal, and I did not get a ticket.
I went home and laughed with Lucas.
We played racquetball, and I did amazingly well.
I came home and decided to study, but instead ended up here.
My "dashboard" led me to the blogs of all the beautiful growing bellies, and chubby faces of the women around me and their babies.
Those babies are so beautiful.
Those growing bellies are a miracle.
I had one once. I had those miracles.

And suddenly, I'm on the verge of tears.

My heart is aching. Its been nearly EIGHT months since we held her. That's just shy of the same amount of time that we had her. Eight months of feeling her little kicks, and watching my belly grow. Then Eight hours knowing she was here, only two of them spent with her in our arms.

My arms are still aching for her. Feeling the joy of holding her leaves a scar much deeper than the pain of losing her, simply because I know what I'm missing.

I never new that being patient would be the trait that would be my thickest armor. My greatest trial in life is waiting. I dont want to wait anymore.

I want Molly. I want to be like those happy women and get to feel her move, and feel the rush of relief as I feel her breath on my neck and know she is okay. I want to be able to post that she is crawling and will walk while holding our hands. I miss her so badly and so deeply sometimes it is impossible to cry, until one random moment when it has built up slowly into every layer of me, and I can hold it in no longer.

How long will I wait for her? I cannot wait until Christ comes again. Can you imagine the joy?

Its moments like this, when I take a second a miss my daughter that I can really imagine it. I can only imagine that moment. When I know for certain the waiting is done, and our baby will be ours again.

Jaycee will be here.
Reid will be here.
Griffin will be here.
Jeanette will be here.
Your sweet babies will be here.

Molly will be here.
Everything will be right.

I finished writing this and sat at my computer crying.
Lucas walked by and saw me and I said "Im having a moment. I miss Molly."
The walls were down.
I cried harder than I have in a long time. Lucas held me, and rubbed my shoulders and kissed me. I cried and cried. Then I got in the shower, and cried like I did the day we lost her.
I came out and I stood in the hallway looking at Lucas, face swollen.
He looked at me and half smiled in a way that said he understands how I feel.

I walked to him and sat down on the couch and leaned across his chest. I cried again, as he rubbed my back and played with my hair.

He reminded me that it is okay to feel this way.
He let me know that it helps, and he is happy to see me really mourn her sometimes.
Even though I know we will be happy one day (I mean REALLY DEEPLY happy), it is okay to be sad tonight. This week. As long as I need. Whenever we need, we can cry for our girl.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Some Forgotten Pictures

A while Ago Emily and I decided to make my Dad's famous cinnamon rolls. It was a killer good time resulting in killer cinnamon rolls. Seriously, you should try them. Too late. They're gone.

Also my sister Sarah and her husband Nathan came to visit us. Oh how I miss them. Come

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Two Spoons in love.

Today I poured myself a bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios, and opened out silverware drawer

It is not sorted. It is a smorgasbord of utensils. We used to have a plastic sorting tray, but one day we took it out and Lucas did the dishes. When he emptied the dishwasher he just took out the silverware thing and DUMPED everything in the drawer, closed the drawer, and knew he was never going back. I dont mind it enough to get a new organizing tray. It makes me less unhappy than it makes him happy, so it stays.

Anyway, I needed a spoon for my cheerios. So I opened the drawer and there were only two spoons left. One HUGE spoon we use to serve salad, and one tiny one we use to feed chipmunks. Actually I'm not sure where it came from, but its cute.

I held them up and Lucas said, "The big one"

It lasted a minute, but my cereal was disappearing too fast and I got milk all over from the awkwardness of it.
Lucas says "That's spoon is so big you need a little spoon to eat out of it."


Problem Solved!

As I mentioned before, I did not think Lucas would do anything for me for Valentines Day. Usually we decide to just go get a steak dinner, and he knew that my plan to get him an automatic car started wasn't going to happen. But alas, I married myself a good man.

Turns out while I was in class Lucas went looking for a certain gift he knew I wanted.

He could not find it anywhere, but he loves me too much to give up. (I'm the worst) So he drove to Idaho Falls and went into a craft store where I had first shown it to him, bought it and drove all the way home to set it up before my class was over.

So I came inside and there were roses on the counter, and dove chocolates on the counter spelling out a huge "I LOVE U", and the wooden figure. I loved it. He is a great "big spoon", and I'm the luckiest girl in the world. We also went and got steak, because its a tradition. I only got a little sick.

Even though it was over a week later I was so guilty at my wife fail that I knew I needed to make up for it. So one day I drove Lucas to class and decided to get him a football video game he has been wanting but never felt good buying since I wouldn't use it. I didn't know what it was called though so I decided to text his brother. I send a text..

" Hey what is that football game called? Dont say anything to Lucas"

Send. I feel great that this will be a great way to show him I love him.

I get a text from Lucas

"Hey Hun, Its called (BLAH BLAH FOOTBALL SOMETHING), and I'll try not to say anything to me"

I was SO DISAPPOINTED. How did I send my text to Lucas instead of his brother?? I smacked myself in the head, and then felt so stupid I cried a little. I text Lucas "I can't believe I sent that to you" and he sweetly and honestly answered, "It still made me super happy even though it ruined your surprise"

I decided to still try and act like it was a surprise and went and got the game anyway, bought him a few of his favorite little snacks and stuff and made him a card.

When he got home he loved his game and ate his snacks and made me feel better that I'm such a dope.

I love my big spoon.

Free Write

I have been horrible about blogging lately because of school. I came up here to BYU-I about 5 years ago and did HORRIBLE. I got a B in one class, a D in two classes, an F in two classes, and withdrew from another. So basically my GPA is around a 1.2. So when I came back up to school and wanted to do nursing it was pretty much a given that there was no getting into the program. But I talked to my advisor and they told me that if I can get an A in all of my classes that they will only look at a certain 7 (hard but necessary) classes for my GPA on the application. So I have had little time for anything but school.

However, In my English class we begin each class period with 5 minutes to "empty our brain" and just write whatever we are thinking of so we can focus on the lesson. It didn't always work, but here are some random glimpses into my mind through the semester so far.


How do I go about clearing my mind? I am always only seconds from having just thought about her. I dont think in the past five and a half months a single hour has passed where I didn't miss her. Sometimes I miss her and my heart is aching but other times I miss her and I am feeling blessed, almost chosen. Had anyone but Lucas and I held her they would understand. She was not of small mind and spirit. She was amazing. I feel so blessed for the opportunity it is to miss her, because that means she was here- that means she was ours. It is strange, the moments it hits me. Yesterday at work, I was on my blog, contemplating what to write and the music playing left me in tears. I miss her.

Blank Blank Blank
Nothing to write
I could make a list?
-Go to study session
-Go to open lab
-Go to Academic Advisor
-Call Visiting Teaching companion
-Find some way to show Lucas I appreciate him

Feeling scatter-brained today because I stayed up too late and wasnt organized so I ended up late to two classes and didn't have all my assignments. Ugh. I hate that feeling. That was all of highschool- always late, always losing things, always forgetting what I needed to do. It's horrible! I wont let those old habits return, so today I will organize myself better and decide to always take the time to make time for school. It is my priority and my new found organization (since Lucas) will make all the difference. No more rushing and hurried and half-thought out assignments. Working hard will be worth it!

I am really unsure about my topic for my research paper. I think I will write that society should stop seeing and treating childbirth as an emergency medical procedure and use homebirth as their first option. The hospital should be used when there IS an emergency. OBGYNs should only perform C-sections when natural childbirth is out of the question due to the safety of the infant or mother. I am writing about this because I owuld LOVE to have my babies at home, and hope to someday. I am scared about my emotions writing about this though, because I'll just want to talk about Molly.

It is great to be a student again. I am loving learning and studying. I had not realized how much I missed the progress that comes with learning. I think it means so much more now for two reasons- I want to be a nurse very badly, and I need to not slip into idleness waiting until I get Molly back.

Spoke with the educational satellite center and discussed how to get into the nursing program. I actually feel really good about my new plan. I will have a few really crazy semesters than finally 2 years in the program and FINALLY I'll get to be an RN.
I've always felt comfortable and at home in a hospital. Its weird.Thats where I want to be. Every room has someone who needs something. I will have the training to match my desire to help them.

Book of Mormon class today was an answer to a prayer for us.

It is exciting and terrifying.

We can do it.

I have to wriet 2 five page papers in the next couple weeks and am not looking forward to starting them. Starting papers is always difficult. Usually once I get going I can keep it up and finish fine but that begining idea and direction usually takes just as long as writing the rest of the paper.
I want to quit working at the hotel. I may have enough work to do for Jason but I worry about that too. I always want to relax at home, not build web pages. But I would do it.
BOO! I'm having a work on campus day.

I am shaking. My hands are sweating and my whole body is warm. I could probably burst into tears but mostly because that was so unexpected. Dalen just asked loudly, "Amber! How old is your daughter?" and I froze. All I could squeek out was a short and probably unfeeling...."She....died." he quietly says, "She died? oh.." I nod and he mouthed he is sorry and I turn around and try to recover. Its not something I tell people right away unless they ask, but having to bring it up when so many may have been paying attention is giving me anxiety.
A mom never gets used to the questions or to having to inform people her baby is dead. I should have been able to say "almost 7 months old" but that would not be true.

For my Book of Mormon essay I am going back and forth between ideas. I want to write about comfort through the atonement, but the small section of the BOM did not cover much about that. I also want to write about that so it will actually help me instead of being a paper I am just writing to fill pages. The other idea would be to write about growing through trials, gaining faith, and using trials as a way to remember the Lord and be humble.

Its nice out. It feels great and refreshing. Good day for me but a sad day for Moose. He is getting neutered right now. poor Guy.

Today is valentines Day and I have done nothing for Lucas. I wanted to get him an automatic car starter so that he wouldn't have to go out into the freezing old to warm the car up. It was 200 dollars though and we dont have an extra 200 for a little bit of laziness, haha. I dont think Lucas will do anything either. Maybe we will go to dinner at stockmans :) I would probably get sick but thats okay I would be willing for our valentines steakhouse tradition.
Now that I have written my papers I feel prepared for my bones test this week is going to be pretty cake. wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

***Side note. Lucas DID do something for me for valentines. I'll write about our V-day in another post***

I burned my finger last night while making a chicken sandwich. The sandwich was worth it. mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. If they labeled the bone in a way that 90% of the class believed it was saying "pedicle" should all 90% of the class lose ponts because it was not labeled clearly? I think not. I think I will email brother Edwards and see if he would accept "pedicle" because clearly we knew that and believed that was what he was asking for.

Oh school. I love it but it can frustrate. When little things like that affect so much.

I want my baby. I want her. I also feel ready for more.

I got a 97% on my test in anatomy and Physiology today. I am thrilled! I didn't have much time to study so I had to rely on my prep from earlier in the week and what I could remember from lecture. 97% = awesome!

I would be so happy to be pregnant, a little scared, a little sad because I dont know how I would stay in school especially in the nursing program with a little baby.

Not like we have any news yet. I just want a baby.

I am getting nervous about my grades. It is so much more stressful to maintain all A's than it was in school before when I barely maintained a C average! haha. I REALLY want into the nursing program. I also want to be a midwife, but that is a whole different stem of education. I believe in midwifery. I want one. However there is more security financially with an RN. I dont know where Lucas and I will end up- but if I needed to ever it would be great to be able to get a job.

I liked a quote in BOM today that said that God is happy, jovial, and spritely. That makes you feel good all over.

Friday, March 4, 2011

Rollercoaster night.

This morning I woke up an emotional wreck. I went to bed fine, but I woke up in tears. My dream was heavy but interesting. Makes me want to re-re start my dream blog. I'll add this to that one too.

I was riding in a truck with Kristen, Jonni, and my sister. We were driving to meet my family somewhere. I was poking at my stomach and realized that it was really firm. Kristen though maybe I was pregnant. I told her I am not pregnant, I would know if I was, but then my belly started moving and it felt like a baby kicking. Kristen saw a footprint and goes, "You are totally pregnant!" Then I felt a pain in my side and I looked down and there was a tiny newborn leg coming out of my side. I realized I was pregnant and my baby was falling out of my stomach. I carefully pulled the baby out of my stomach. He was a little boy.
His face was not fully formed, because he was a preemie. I looked at him and was so happy, and I held him close to me. When I pulled him away his face was perfect and he looked beautiful. I was so in love. I just hugged him close to me and couldn't believe I had a baby boy. We went to meet my family at this big house and everyone was really happy about the baby. I wouldn't let anyone else hold him, I didn't want to put him down for a single minute. Then they called a Doctor and I had to let her check him. I left the room for a second and was gone for a while. I suddenly panicked that it was taking too long and ran into the room where my baby was. The baby was laying on the bed and the Dr was playing with him. I told her that was my job and I picked him up and decided never to let him go.
A minute later I was holding him and my mom and I were walking around to go to the store. My mom said "We should throw you a party for having a baby!" I started crying and said, "We can't do that, Mom. And I don't think I can do this again. I can't say goodbye again." She said "Why? Whats wrong, he's fine!" and I go. "Because this isn't real. This is a dream." My mom goes "Really?" I said "Yes. I would have known if I was pregnant. This is a dream. And I dont think I can say goodbye to him. I dont want to wake up." I cried in my dream and woke up then, still crying.

It made me emotional and I told Lucas about it, he said "Wow you had a hard night!" and Explained what happened earlier (This is funny, though) Apparently my night was just full of ups and downs. Lucas filled me in on the events of our evening....

I went to bed last night kinda early, and Lucas stayed up to finish working. When he came to bed I was already asleep, but turned at him coming in and said,
"I'm sorry, hun" (I always apologize when I'm half asleep for nothing)
Used to it, Lucas gets in bed and says nothing.
I roll over apologizing and put my arm over his chest and start squeezing his right arm muscle over and over and over. He said I did that for like 3 whole minutes, then I stopped and rolled over.
I started mumbling and said something like,
"I am just so frustrated! I take all the muscles apart and then I have to put them all together again, but I do it wrong! I have to make everyone's and its not working!"
Lucas goes "Oh it's okay just keep trying"
I say, "I can't do it. Nobody's arms work. I feel so guilty."
Lucas kidding around and messing with me says "You should!"

Apparently that was the wrong response... I immediately burst into tears. He said he thought I was kidding but he looked over and I was bawling and tears were pouring out of my eyes. Lucas tried waking me up and was saying things like,

"Amber don't cry, its okay! It's just a dream! It's okay"

Slowly I guess I started waking up and I just said,

"What's happening? I feel so sad!"

I've been exhausted all day. What a weird night!