Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Free Write

I have been horrible about blogging lately because of school. I came up here to BYU-I about 5 years ago and did HORRIBLE. I got a B in one class, a D in two classes, an F in two classes, and withdrew from another. So basically my GPA is around a 1.2. So when I came back up to school and wanted to do nursing it was pretty much a given that there was no getting into the program. But I talked to my advisor and they told me that if I can get an A in all of my classes that they will only look at a certain 7 (hard but necessary) classes for my GPA on the application. So I have had little time for anything but school.

However, In my English class we begin each class period with 5 minutes to "empty our brain" and just write whatever we are thinking of so we can focus on the lesson. It didn't always work, but here are some random glimpses into my mind through the semester so far.


How do I go about clearing my mind? I am always only seconds from having just thought about her. I dont think in the past five and a half months a single hour has passed where I didn't miss her. Sometimes I miss her and my heart is aching but other times I miss her and I am feeling blessed, almost chosen. Had anyone but Lucas and I held her they would understand. She was not of small mind and spirit. She was amazing. I feel so blessed for the opportunity it is to miss her, because that means she was here- that means she was ours. It is strange, the moments it hits me. Yesterday at work, I was on my blog, contemplating what to write and the music playing left me in tears. I miss her.

Blank Blank Blank
Nothing to write
I could make a list?
-Go to study session
-Go to open lab
-Go to Academic Advisor
-Call Visiting Teaching companion
-Find some way to show Lucas I appreciate him

Feeling scatter-brained today because I stayed up too late and wasnt organized so I ended up late to two classes and didn't have all my assignments. Ugh. I hate that feeling. That was all of highschool- always late, always losing things, always forgetting what I needed to do. It's horrible! I wont let those old habits return, so today I will organize myself better and decide to always take the time to make time for school. It is my priority and my new found organization (since Lucas) will make all the difference. No more rushing and hurried and half-thought out assignments. Working hard will be worth it!

I am really unsure about my topic for my research paper. I think I will write that society should stop seeing and treating childbirth as an emergency medical procedure and use homebirth as their first option. The hospital should be used when there IS an emergency. OBGYNs should only perform C-sections when natural childbirth is out of the question due to the safety of the infant or mother. I am writing about this because I owuld LOVE to have my babies at home, and hope to someday. I am scared about my emotions writing about this though, because I'll just want to talk about Molly.

It is great to be a student again. I am loving learning and studying. I had not realized how much I missed the progress that comes with learning. I think it means so much more now for two reasons- I want to be a nurse very badly, and I need to not slip into idleness waiting until I get Molly back.

Spoke with the educational satellite center and discussed how to get into the nursing program. I actually feel really good about my new plan. I will have a few really crazy semesters than finally 2 years in the program and FINALLY I'll get to be an RN.
I've always felt comfortable and at home in a hospital. Its weird.Thats where I want to be. Every room has someone who needs something. I will have the training to match my desire to help them.

Book of Mormon class today was an answer to a prayer for us.

It is exciting and terrifying.

We can do it.

I have to wriet 2 five page papers in the next couple weeks and am not looking forward to starting them. Starting papers is always difficult. Usually once I get going I can keep it up and finish fine but that begining idea and direction usually takes just as long as writing the rest of the paper.
I want to quit working at the hotel. I may have enough work to do for Jason but I worry about that too. I always want to relax at home, not build web pages. But I would do it.
BOO! I'm having a work on campus day.

I am shaking. My hands are sweating and my whole body is warm. I could probably burst into tears but mostly because that was so unexpected. Dalen just asked loudly, "Amber! How old is your daughter?" and I froze. All I could squeek out was a short and probably unfeeling...."She....died." he quietly says, "She died? oh.." I nod and he mouthed he is sorry and I turn around and try to recover. Its not something I tell people right away unless they ask, but having to bring it up when so many may have been paying attention is giving me anxiety.
A mom never gets used to the questions or to having to inform people her baby is dead. I should have been able to say "almost 7 months old" but that would not be true.

For my Book of Mormon essay I am going back and forth between ideas. I want to write about comfort through the atonement, but the small section of the BOM did not cover much about that. I also want to write about that so it will actually help me instead of being a paper I am just writing to fill pages. The other idea would be to write about growing through trials, gaining faith, and using trials as a way to remember the Lord and be humble.

Its nice out. It feels great and refreshing. Good day for me but a sad day for Moose. He is getting neutered right now. poor Guy.

Today is valentines Day and I have done nothing for Lucas. I wanted to get him an automatic car starter so that he wouldn't have to go out into the freezing old to warm the car up. It was 200 dollars though and we dont have an extra 200 for a little bit of laziness, haha. I dont think Lucas will do anything either. Maybe we will go to dinner at stockmans :) I would probably get sick but thats okay I would be willing for our valentines steakhouse tradition.
Now that I have written my papers I feel prepared for my bones test this week is going to be pretty cake. wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

***Side note. Lucas DID do something for me for valentines. I'll write about our V-day in another post***

I burned my finger last night while making a chicken sandwich. The sandwich was worth it. mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. If they labeled the bone in a way that 90% of the class believed it was saying "pedicle" should all 90% of the class lose ponts because it was not labeled clearly? I think not. I think I will email brother Edwards and see if he would accept "pedicle" because clearly we knew that and believed that was what he was asking for.

Oh school. I love it but it can frustrate. When little things like that affect so much.

I want my baby. I want her. I also feel ready for more.

I got a 97% on my test in anatomy and Physiology today. I am thrilled! I didn't have much time to study so I had to rely on my prep from earlier in the week and what I could remember from lecture. 97% = awesome!

I would be so happy to be pregnant, a little scared, a little sad because I dont know how I would stay in school especially in the nursing program with a little baby.

Not like we have any news yet. I just want a baby.

I am getting nervous about my grades. It is so much more stressful to maintain all A's than it was in school before when I barely maintained a C average! haha. I REALLY want into the nursing program. I also want to be a midwife, but that is a whole different stem of education. I believe in midwifery. I want one. However there is more security financially with an RN. I dont know where Lucas and I will end up- but if I needed to ever it would be great to be able to get a job.

I liked a quote in BOM today that said that God is happy, jovial, and spritely. That makes you feel good all over.


Sarasue said...

Thanks for doing a bloggy! Hang in there Amber girl :)

brandilyn said...

amber amber amber can we please do something sometime?? i like your blog posts. isn't writing therapeutic? i think it's good for the soul! keep doing it!

Stephanie said...

I kinda miss doing free writes in school its been a few years since i've been in an english class that did them but it was a great way to 'empty my brain' :) Good Luck with Nursing! Its tough but you can totally do it!!!