Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Just one of those moments

Today has been good.

I slept in, I played with Moose.
I studied, and enjoyed being a student.
I ate too many cookies.
I watched some TV and loved not going to work at 3.
I spent time with my wonderful husband.
Interview with my bishop. Such a good man.
I went to a study group and figured out I know all I need to for my test.
I left and got pulled over by a cop.
It was no big deal, and I did not get a ticket.
I went home and laughed with Lucas.
We played racquetball, and I did amazingly well.
I came home and decided to study, but instead ended up here.
My "dashboard" led me to the blogs of all the beautiful growing bellies, and chubby faces of the women around me and their babies.
Those babies are so beautiful.
Those growing bellies are a miracle.
I had one once. I had those miracles.

And suddenly, I'm on the verge of tears.

My heart is aching. Its been nearly EIGHT months since we held her. That's just shy of the same amount of time that we had her. Eight months of feeling her little kicks, and watching my belly grow. Then Eight hours knowing she was here, only two of them spent with her in our arms.

My arms are still aching for her. Feeling the joy of holding her leaves a scar much deeper than the pain of losing her, simply because I know what I'm missing.

I never new that being patient would be the trait that would be my thickest armor. My greatest trial in life is waiting. I dont want to wait anymore.

I want Molly. I want to be like those happy women and get to feel her move, and feel the rush of relief as I feel her breath on my neck and know she is okay. I want to be able to post that she is crawling and will walk while holding our hands. I miss her so badly and so deeply sometimes it is impossible to cry, until one random moment when it has built up slowly into every layer of me, and I can hold it in no longer.

How long will I wait for her? I cannot wait until Christ comes again. Can you imagine the joy?

Its moments like this, when I take a second a miss my daughter that I can really imagine it. I can only imagine that moment. When I know for certain the waiting is done, and our baby will be ours again.

Jaycee will be here.
Reid will be here.
Griffin will be here.
Jeanette will be here.
Your sweet babies will be here.

Molly will be here.
Everything will be right.

I finished writing this and sat at my computer crying.
Lucas walked by and saw me and I said "Im having a moment. I miss Molly."
The walls were down.
I cried harder than I have in a long time. Lucas held me, and rubbed my shoulders and kissed me. I cried and cried. Then I got in the shower, and cried like I did the day we lost her.
I came out and I stood in the hallway looking at Lucas, face swollen.
He looked at me and half smiled in a way that said he understands how I feel.

I walked to him and sat down on the couch and leaned across his chest. I cried again, as he rubbed my back and played with my hair.

He reminded me that it is okay to feel this way.
He let me know that it helps, and he is happy to see me really mourn her sometimes.
Even though I know we will be happy one day (I mean REALLY DEEPLY happy), it is okay to be sad tonight. This week. As long as I need. Whenever we need, we can cry for our girl.


Sarasue said...

This is really sweet. :*)

Stephanie said...

You have so much strength Amber, and it is definitely 100% okay to break down waiting for your sweet angel. You can do it...you ARE doing it.

Stacy said...

It's always ok to cry when you need to. Sorry it's a hard time but I know you'll make it through and you'll get to have her someday and it will be REALLY happy. Sending lots of e-hugs your way () () ().

Lynsi said...

Love you Miss Amber!

Eric & Crystal Marshall said...

Oh Amber, you are amazing, and being able to cry shows strength and not weakness like so many people think. Through this whole post I was just thinking what an amazing husband you have, and what an amazing person you are. I know that much sooner than seems possible right now, all will be right, and you will be an amazing mother, to Molly, and to all other babies that may come along.

Haley said...

I am so proud of you Amber. You have been so strong. Stronger than I think I ever could be. I miss you my friend.

Hannah Jean said...

I just found your blog... It is beautiful. I am truly touched. Can we please have a double date night?? Are you guys still in Rexburg??

Katie said...

Hugs and loves and more hugs and a few kisses. I just want to squeeze you. I agree. It's okay to cry. To keep feeling this way. Let it out as much and as often as you want to. It's your right as her mother.