Thursday, April 25, 2013

Dreams are the best.

Last night I had the coolest dream and I want to write it down before I forget about it.

**As an introduction, I used to be a nanny in Hawaii for a family that I adored. I loved their little girl, Kelsey, so much that I still talk about her very often.
I was seriously dating a man named Jamie while I lived there.
The reason I left Hawaii was because I had a random feeling I had to move home. I ignored it and got a job offer to watch these little girls for $1000 just for one week. That was triple what I usually made and I took the job, which offended the family I should have been working for (rightly so).
Things got weird with my employers which was so sad for me, so I listened to my feeling and moved home just in time to meet and fall in love with Lucas before he moved to Idaho.
 Recently I was missing Hawaii and I looked up my old address on google earth, and there in the "street view" in front of their house was me and a friend of mine. That makes the picture 5 or 6 years old, but it was really cool to remember being back there and to see myself there doing what I loved, watching Kelsey in Hawaii.**

The Google Earth picture. I'm  pushing the stroller.
 I was on Google Earth again, looking at the house in Hawaii and missing Kelsey. I wished the photo was less blurry so I could see how old Kelsey was. I started clicking "zoom" and got closer and closer, and suddenly I noticed that the picture of me and my friend Sylvia was moving! I watched myself walk with Sylvia, and it was so clear it felt like I was there. I noticed that Hawaii Amber was a little chubby so I must have been there a little while already. I followed myself for a while, then with one more click on "zoom" I was suddenly there. I could feel the humidity in the air, smell the flowers on the trees. I was so excited! Then I noticed that Hawaii me was staring at modern me. I walked over and said to myself, "This is probably super weird for you. I am you. I'm from the future, I just got here through the computer somehow!" Hawaii Amber looked at me super shocked and said, "How old are you?"
Modern me replied, "25"
Hawaii Amber said, "Wow! This is crazy!"
Modern me: "I know! How long have you been here?"
Hawaii me: "Almost a year"
Modern me: "Wow. I miss it so much, but I dont know how long I'll be here before I go back so I want to tell you a few things." Hawaii Amber took a second and just nodded at me, staring at my face. I went on, "When you get offered a job for $1000 after Wendi has her next baby, dont take it. It is going to seem like a lot of money but if you take that job it will ruin some relationships that are more valuable. Trust me on this. Second, How is Jamie?"
Hawaii me: "He is great!"
Modern me: "He is. But you aren't going to marry him. I know it feels like you will and you love him, but you are going to move home and marry someone else. But be kind to Jamie. Be patient when he messes up. Treat him right and dont break his heart. Also, be a better example to him of someone who has the Gospel, make him love that so when you leave he doesnt blame the church." I was tempted to ask to see him so I could apologize for some things, but I didn't want to run out of time.
Hawaii me stood staring and said : "Do we have kids?"
Modern me: "I am expecting my third right now. We have two already." (I remember deciding not to tell myself that we would lose two babies.)
Hawaii me kept watching modern me and we started walking down the street on her original path. I looked around and said, "I know I can't really be here, this has to be some sort of dream, but this feels so real. I mean- I can feel the rocks on the ground!" I bent down and felt the street, I could feel the rocks and sand. "I can feel the leaves on this tree, and the warm air and the humidity! It's like this is real! This is the strangest thing! Oh- (turned to Hawaii me) you are going to have a feeling that you need to move home. You wont want to do it, but it's important that you do. You have to meet the man we marry. He is amazing and worth leaving all this."
We walked into my old employers house together. Bill and Wendi gasped when they saw two of me. I quickly said, "I know this is super weird. I'm from the future, somehow I made it back here. I dont know how long I'll have so I want to tell you some things. First, At some point I am going to get a one-week nanny offer for $1000. I will take it because I wont understand what is involved when you have a new baby. You will have just had a second baby and I will take the job thinking you wont need me. It will offend you. I am very sorry that I will take it. Please understand that I didn't know that you needed more help than ever and you needed to heal. I have been sorry that I offended you guys all these years. I am sorry." They nodded to me as they watched me.
Then I noticed Kelsey playing on the floor. My heart felt so full as I watched her. I went over and picked her up and she laughed. I ticked her and played with her for a while. Then I noticed Wendi was playing with a little girl too. I said, "Who is that?" and she said, "She's yours." We both kept playing with the little girls for a while. Then I started getting worried that since I gave myself advice to change the way I did things, that I would have changed my future.
I started to panic. I told them, "I have to go now. I have to get back so that I dont change too much and I can still have the life I live now. If I changed things and I dont find Lucas I wont be able to handle that. I have to marry him." They said they would help me get back. I told them I thought I had to go back through the washing machine.
We went to the washing machine and opened it up. I crawled ontop of it and said, "I think I have to go through here?" They shrugged and watched as I started to lower myself intot he machine but nothing happened. Then I got really scared that it was too late and that somehow I wouldn't go back and I wouldn't ever have married Lucas. I got out of the washing machine and said, "I have to run."
I said goodbye and then started running down the street. The pavement hurt my feet but I sprinted, desperate to get back to Lucas. I ran until suddenly I started floating in the air and some of the neighbors turned to stare.

And then I woke up feeling like I had really been there. It was so great.

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Starting Kellens Book

I have been procrastinating making Kellen's memory book for a year and a half.
I made excuses to myself like, We are moving, Half my stuff is in storage, I don't have time, and I haven't printed his pictures yet.
I did go buy scrapbooking stuff. I have collected baby boy ribbons, stickers, stamps, and paper. My collection piled higher and higher. Good friends sent me gift cards to get supplies to make his book. I got some super cute stuff and I imagined the beautiful book I would make. But I couldnt start it;  I kept making excuses.

The real reason I haven't started making his scrapbook is because I dont want to finish it.

I was surprised when, after working on Molly's book for a whole year, I came to the last page and I cried my eyes out. I didn't want to be done with it. I would never have another picture of her. I didn't have another gift to give her. I didn't let myself finish the last page for weeks, and when I finished it I cried again.

So, when we lost Kellen, I knew I wanted to make him a memory book. However, I also knew deep down that finishing the book made it all feel so final. It felt good to have something lingering that I can do for my son; to have something physcial and mom-ish to give him. So I let time pass, with this nagging feeling of  'I REALLY need to get that done!'  feeling just as comforting as it was encouraging.

Well yesterday, I bit the bullet. By this time with Molly I was finished with her book. I also would like to have Kellen's book finished by the time this baby is born. That gives me 4 months compared to the 12 I had with Molly's. I finally printed all his pictures. I hunted for all his ultrasound pictures and hospital bracelets. I opened his box and got out his handprints and footprints.

It took me a few hours, but I finally finished page one.

It wont be too long before I will be ready to finish this book too. To be honest, I still dont want to, I haven't accepted it. So, I will add to it over time; maybe adding letters I write to him, pictures of visits to his grave, pictures our kids will draw for him, things we did on his birthday.
We'll do the same for Molly. So, this gift to my children will never be done; and that's the way I like it.

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

The Best Sound

I could listen to that all day.
So in love.

Saturday, April 6, 2013

Little Witch

We noticed something about our little baby #3 when my friend, Haley, recently posted her 
13 week ultrasound. 
Her baby is on the left, ours is on the right. They are within days of each other in gestational age.
Notice anything?

Look at the hook on our baby!  And that chin!

We are pretty positive that in 11.5 years we will be getting a letter from Hogwarts because that is definitely a teeny tiny little witch or wizard!

The Anniversary Journal

 Wednesday, April 3rd, was our 4 year anniversary! 

How I got lucky enough to be married to Lucas I do not know, but I am so glad that he chose me.
I never would have guessed, then, where the next four years would take us. I also never would have guessed that the love I felt for Lucas could have grown beyond what it was then. I felt maxed out on love on our wedding day. He was everything I had ever dreamed of and more, but somehow every day I love him more.

Last year, two days before our 3rd anniversary, I remembered a conversation we had a couple weeks before he proposed to me. We were on the phone since I was staying in a hotel with my family the night before my brother, Steven, got married. 
(Keep in mind that Lucas is so humble. He is unconvinced of his greatness.)
We were saying goodnight, and Lucas got quiet. I asked if he was okay.  I heard his voice, a little choked up and suddenly quiet,
"Amber, why would you love me?"
I wasn't sure what had brought it on, but I remember listing reasons why I had fallen for him, why he was perfect for me, how he made me feel. He was a little uncomfortable listening to me praise him, so he thanked me, told me he loved me so much, and said goodnight.

 Upon remembering that conversation, I thought of a gift that would help him to no longer question not only how he could be loved, but specifically why I loved him.  Unfortunately, I didn't have time to give it to him then, so I thought up another gift, probably a video game, and gave it to him. 

So, on our third anniversary I started this little journal:

On the first page I wrote the quote:
"One hundred hearts would be too few to carry all my love for you" -unknown

Then, every day, without him knowing about it, I would write down a reason why I loved him.
 Sometimes it was something general about him as a person ("I love your big hands. I feel safer when I hold them"), and sometimes it was something that he did that day or a feeling I had about him. (Last night we stayed up late joking around and laughing, it was so worth being tired at work today!") Some days I had lists of reasons. Others I laughed when I wrote stories of how we laughed for hours, and others I cried as I wrote of the sweet things he did or how he lifted me. Sometimes it was just three words "I love you", but more often I wrote more.
I was always excited to add my next entry, I was always looking for the next way to express to him how I felt for him or how he touched me that day. My love for him has literally grown with each entry. So, I wrote every day for the last year- each day looking at him and watching him, but more importantly, appreciating him.


I have never had more fun, or been more excited about a gift I have given someone, I have also never put more heart into any gift.  He never knew about the journal.
(except one day he saw me writing when we were on vacation and I tried to sneak away for second, unsuccessfully. He said, "I didn't know you had a journal for little thoughts" and I said, "oh..really?" and put it in my purse and didn't let him near my purse until I could better hide the journal. I was more careful after that.)  I took it to work during the week and I would read through the entries when I had a minute. It became a treasured item, a comfort to hold, it was my heart on paper. A way to capture a year of what I sometimes feel is a perfect marriage.
So as our fourth anniversary came, I was SO EXCITED to give him the journal. On the back page I finished with the last entry, on our 4th anniversary. Then I added the quote:

"For you see, each day I love you more; today more than yesterday and less than tomorrow." -Rosemonde Gerard

I took the book to the closest deseret book and had them imprint on the front cover "Our Fourth Year" then I went home and wrapped the notebook. I was so excited I was dancing around our apartment and bursting with excitement. When Lucas got home I slid the little box in my purse and tried to act like I was just excited for our dinner reservations at a nice steakhouse, another surprise for him. 
*We made a deal this year that he was in charge of Valentines Day, and I was in charge of our Anniversary. This worked great for planning when and how to give him the journal*

We sat down to eat at Flemings Steakhouse. The lighting was low, the food smelled great, the journal was finally finished and wrapped, it was perfect. After we ordered our food and while we snacked on bread and waited, we decided to exchange cards. Lucas acted all serious and he gave me a card, and didn't smile. I opened it and read:

He wrote "Amber, Sorry I let things go so long, but I think sooner is better than later. I hope life turns out okay for you, hang in there slugger. Lucas"

 I laughed, tried to look hurt, and said, "Are you breaking up with me?"
He said, "Sorry." 
I said, "Can we at least finish dinner?" 
He answered, "ehhh I dont know." as he leaned away from me. 
Then he started laughing and said, " I laughed so hard when I found that card, and I felt so bad while writing that!" Then he pulled out another envelope with a really sweet card. He wrote some really sweet things and got me crying. 

I love that man. And that brought me to the journal. I reached into my purse and pulled out the box and handed it to him. He smiled and started unwrapping the box. 
When he saw the journal he said, "Wow, what is this?" (I start crying I'm so excited.)
He looks at me confused why I'm so emotional, and opens the cover of the journal, he smiled when he read the quote. Then as he reads the first page, and flips to the next he realized what I had done.
He got really quite and whispered, ""
He looked at me and his eyes were filled with tears. He sat there, choked up, and he read a page or two. Then he looked up and said, "Did you really do this for a whole year?" 
I sniff out "Every day." :)
He says, "Amber this is the most thoughtful thing anyone has ever done for me. I can't believe you did this for me. Every day! I dont know what to say!" He closed it tenderly, like it was fragile and reached across the table and told me how much he loved me.  I was so happy.
He said, "If our house is ever one fire, I will save you, and I will save our kids, and then I will save this. This is you! This is your heart! I just.....thank you!"

Then we ended the night eating way too much DELICIOUS steak, driving home with our pants unbuttoned, laying on the living room floor holding hands, and moaning about how we ate too much food. 

I am a lucky, lucky woman. I started the next journal the next day. I LOVED doing it and I hope to give him one every year.