Thursday, January 26, 2012

Nobody likes a liar, Zeke.

I am so excited that we are moving to Colorado.
I'm also kinda sad, just because this is the only place Lucas and I have ever lived together, and we have an amazing ward at church. There are wonderful people and good friends here that we will have to leave. However, I love change. I love it so much. 
This is why I love packing. 
Packing is fun, and unpacking is even more fun.
Moving heavy boxes is fun for husbands who like working out. 
Everyone is happy.

Its been a funny kind of phone day. 
My phone will get texts and send texts. It will receive calls. However, I can't dial out. When I hit call it just goes silent and eventually my phone goes back to the main screen. On a lucky call it says
"All circuits are busy. Try your call again later. We hate you"

Earlier, I called Lucas at work from his phone because he left it at home and mine is being so weird.
* ring * ring *
 L: Thank you for calling Rent-A-Center, home of the worry 
free guarantee, this is Lucas how can I help you?
L: I'm sorry...pardon me?
L: NO. YOU CAN'T HAVE A TV! *pause* Hi, baby.
A: Hi.

Then a few minutes ago my mom accidentally called me. I tried to toy with her too.

(super cool ringtone)
A: Hello?
M: Hi this is Susan. I'm looking for Zeke?
A: Yes, this is Zeke.
M: Zeke? I'm sorry I'm trying to speak with Zeke.
A: This IS Zeke.
M: Are you sure? You don't sound like the Zeke I spoke with earlier. Is your Dad's name Zeke too?
A: Yes. We're all named Zeke. The whole family.
(long pause)
M: Okay. Who is this really?
A: Amber.
M: Wha--? ohh, you brat.

Also, I went to a buffet lunch by myself today. We had a coupon I wanted to use before we move. Lucas doesn't like it there, so I went alone at like 4 o'clock. I had two salads. I sat by myself and it felt really weird. All the tables are big. Who goes to a buffet alone? Me, turns out. I wanted to save four dollars on two salads I could have made at home. It was delicious.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

For Kellen

Today was Kellen's due date. 
It's a very hard day. Lucas and I are quite sad, but we will try to remember Kellen and the joy he brings us. Its hard to miss him, but its comforting to know he can still be here. 

January 25th
For Kellen

Today we're supposed to have you,
Today was meant to be ours,
Today we're supposed to bundle you up,
And tell you to reach for the stars.

Tonight we're supposed to lie awake,
Tonight was meant for your cry,
Tonight we're supposed to hold you close,
So happy we feel we could fly.

But today instead how we miss you,
Today you've already flown,
Today we think of our little son,
And it's hard not to feel all alone.

Tonight we'll still tell you we love you,
Tonight we'll try not to cry,
Tonight we ask Heavenly Father,
To give hugs to our little guy.

So, Kellen, although you're not with us,
And at times you feel so far,
We hope you know this day is yours,
Our love is wherever you are.

The Blessing Dress

Before Molly was born I spent a lot of time trying to find a beautiful hand crocheted or knit dress for her to wear at her baby blessing. I wanted to make one myself, but I didn't know how to crochet or knit. So, I looked everywhere to find one. Unfortunately, all the ones I found were done with a thick yarn and didn't seem as beautiful and delicate as what I wanted to bless my daughter in.

I told my friend and co-worker, Libby, about the dress I was looking for and she told me that she knew how to crochet and she really enjoyed it. She then kindly offered to make Molly's dress! I was so amazed at her kindness and was so happy. Libby agreed that she liked dresses in a small and precise pattern at set to work! I was so excited to have something unique and beautiful made that all my baby girls would get to be blessed in one after the other.

As she was making the dress and she would give me updates on her progress as my pregnancy neared the final weeks. When Molly came three weeks early and passed away, the thought of the dress made me so emotional. Libby finished the dress when I was still in the hospital and she came to visit us and brought it to us.

I remember Libby sitting on edge of my bed with tears in her eyes and we looked at how absolutely beautiful the dress was. It was perfect. It was exactly as I hoped it would be. Every tiny piece of it showed hours of hard work in a gift just for our baby. We decided immediately that instead of the baby blessing in the dress, it was appropriate for Molly to be buried in the dress.

When the time came, Molly looked absolutely beautiful. She looked like a perfect angel in her dress when we said our final goodbye's.

During our grief after losing Molly, there was a certain pang of additional sadness at the loss of the dress as well. (Much like the thought of the blanket I made for Kellen has an additional stabbing pain. A loss of the hard work and love- the high hopes buried in the ground with my babies. It was a show of faith that ended up wrapping my baby in handmade love)

When I had returned to work after Molly's service, I was telling Libby how beautiful Molly looked in the dress. We talked about the service and went about work. I was putting information in the computer and Libby let me that she had decided to make us a second dress exactly like the one she made for Molly. She wanted us to be able to have the dress that Molly was buried in, and then our girls can be blessed in the same dress their older sister wears.

I can't begin to accurately explain the emotions it caused me. Its not like getting a second identical dress would bring my sweet girl back to me, however it was as though I would be able to hold a piece of her again. I remember just weeping tears of gratitude and happiness as I stood there taking in what she was telling me. It was such a huge amount of effort and time, and now a very emotional undertaking, that Libby was offering us. What a beautiful gift.

Well, time passed and eventually I left my job at the hotel. The dress took Libby a long time to make, naturally. Its details were so fine and intricate. The dress is very long and the thread is so thin. I thought about the dress just about every day over the next year. Then, after losing Kellen, we were in Colorado for his service. I got a message from Libby telling me that she had finished the dress and had had it for a while and was unsure of when the right time to give it to me was. She offered for us to bury Kellen in it, too. However, my mom had already gone on a long hunt to find Kellen his outfit, and this dress was going to be for me a way for my future girls to have a connection to their sister.

When we got back to Idaho after Kellen's funeral, I wanted so badly to contact Libby and let her know I wanted the dress. However, it was hard to gear myself up for such an emotional moment. The last time I saw that dress it was on my baby as we closed her casket. Every day I would want to email her or call her, but I would decide to save the emotions for another day.

When Lucas and I decided to move, I knew it was time to face it. I couldn't leave without the dress. I couldn't not let Libby know how much I appreciate the long hours spent selflessly making BOTH dresses for our family. I wanted her to know how much I loved her for it. So I emailed her.

Yesterday, Libby drove over and brought us the dress. Again, she sat by me as tearfully I opened the box. When I saw the dress it took my breath away. I could hardly see the details through my watery eyes. Libby had it protected in a bag, and had even made a tiny slip to wear under it and little booties to match. It is perfect. It is beautiful. It looked just as I remembered. I felt overwhelmed with missing Molly and Kellen as I looked at it. Lucas said that he thought having that dress is pretty poetic for us. We can't wait to have our future daughters blessed in it. (And if we only have sons, just having the dress gives us the same joy) We sat and talked to Libby and thanked her for all her hard work. I hugged her, as if a hug and a 'thank you' can accurately show her how much this means to me.

So, that the story of the blessing dress. Have you ever seen something so beautiful? I just want to sit and stare at it all day. I want to run my fingers over every part of it.
What a wonderful, perfect, beautiful gift.

Monday, January 23, 2012


Today I spent like an hour and a half just you-tubing videos of Ben Harper. I used to listen to him a lot when I was in Hawaii, but it's been a while.

I found three videos that spoke to me today.

This one made me want to run to Lucas and kiss him on the face and dance in the middle of Rent-A-Center.

This one made me think of Molly, Kellen, and the children we are hoping to adopt. The second time all I could think of was the baby we keep hoping is on the way to us. I'll wait as long as it takes. I'll kill all the time I need to.

Of course, as you can tell by the title, this one made me think of Molly and Kellen.  I miss them.

A weekend with friends

On Friday our amazing friends, Carrie and Scott Chapman, came to Rexburg to see us!
They are beautiful people, and some of our best friends in the world.
We used to hang out with them all the time when they lived here, but they moved to Utah a YEAR ago and we haven't seen them since.
What's worse...they had a BEAUTIFUL baby girl, Georgia, who we had yet to meet! She is nearly 7 months old and had not even met "Aunt and Uncle" Lucas and Amber! tsk tsk on us for letting so much time go by!

When Carrie and Scott heard we were moving to Colorado they decided to drive up and visit us last minute! They let me know they were coming, but I kept it a surprise for Lucas.

When I picked Lucas up from work, I told him I had a surprise for him but he had to wait until midnight for it.
Lucas spent the whole night trying to guess what it could be. He loves surprises and get super excited for them. Some of his guesses were "Is something great on TV?" "Are your visiting teachers going to let us borrow Just Dance 2?" "Are Jason and MaShay coming to visit?" Then he would analyze everything I did and say "Hey, why are you cleaning up? Is somebody coming over....?"

I just kept saying "You'll never guess it, so don't try!"

So we stayed up til midnight (we NEVER make it to midnight on work was tough). Luckily, just as we started getting tired we had a knock on the door and I yelled "COME IN!" and buried my face in a blanket because I was smiling so big. Lucas whispered..."who is it!?!" and Carrie and Scott walked in.  We were all SO SO excited. Lucas was way happy and SO surprised to see our good friends.

We stayed up until 3 am talking and laughing and keeping their darling daughter up way too late.  The next two days we spent continuing with laughing and talking, having some girl time and guy time, eating way too much food, and of course playing with the baby.  It was so much fun.

I also fell in love with Georgia. Nothing like a beautiful baby to tug on the "ready to adopt" heart strings. I could have hugged and kissed that little angel nonstop (and practically did)!

Here are some pictures and a video of our weekend Georgia.

Friday, January 20, 2012

Thanks to our anonymous friends

Yesterday we received a few things in the mail at Rent-A-Center. They were all dated from over a month ago, and one as early as November 14th.

The mail in this town can be extremely slow. Which is strange, because it is such a small town.

However, a few of you sent us gifts anonymously. You did not give us your names, but simply called yourself a friend.

Thank you so much for your generosity, and friendship. You have lightened our burdens, humbled us through your kindness, comforted us, and made us smile.

There are so many good people out there. This world can be kinda crazy, but I'm glad to know there are so many selfless angels looking out for one another.


Thursday, January 19, 2012


After much prayer and pondering, we have decided that..... 
we're moving home to Colorado!!

Colorado has our hearts.
It has the resting places for our babies. 
It has our parents.
It also has the mountains, good friends, good weather, good jobs, and it makes us happy.

Don't worry- BYU-I has a great online degree program so Lucas will still get his business management degree through the school and wont lose any time or credits. He is also going to get his Real Estate license for Colorado! There are more jobs and more nursing programs for me to attend also.
It seemed that we had two choices; we could stay here, or we could move home.
After praying and really trying to be logical and rational about it we realized that we could find success and achieve our goals in both places. We did not feel a strong pull that either one was more right than the other. However, moving to Colorado makes us both SO HAPPY.  
When two options are there, and both are equally good- I firmly believe the right thing to do is to do what makes your family happy! 
So, Colorado friends, make some room for us in your lives cuz we're comin' home!!!

We move the last day of January. 
Colorado = Happiness

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Savannah's letters

I am in touch with another mother who has lost little ones. She is so amazing. I just thought I would share this for the readers of my blog who have come for comfort and understanding.

Savannah wrote letters to her lost babies. Her feelings and expression feel as though she was looking into my heart or reading my journal. I have read and re-read these letters and they are amazing.

I feel almost like I could replace her babies' names with mine and it would still feel genuine. Its a blessing to be able to come to know and connect with others in our situation. You really do feel like you know someone through a shared loss. I consider a few other baby-loss moms and dads some of my closest friends just because of the tears shed for one another and the understanding that only those who have been here understand.

Anyway, its just beautiful and so is she.  Please go HERE.


Today was one of those days that I remember the moments with Molly and Kellen and get "warm fuzzies".

I went down to Idaho Falls to buy some frozen fruit in bulk from Sams Club (its amazing how having an AMAZING blender makes you want smoothies ALL THE TIME).  On my way home, I began to think about what the Doctor who delivered Kellen told Lucas.

He said that when Kellen was delivered, they placed him on my belly and the whole room was amazed because it was such a reverent moment and he was so beautiful.

I wasn't awake at the time,  so obviously I have no real memory of this moment. However, I have an image that plays in my mind of me laying there on the table- my spirit crushed, my eyes swollen from crying. I can see the doctors and the nurses in my mind. I imagine my sweet baby boy as he is pulled from me. I imagine his tiny little arms and legs, his perfect little head supported by the doctor. I can see him. Then in my mind I see the respect they showed us as he was tenderly placed on my belly.  They gave us a minute- even with me not aware of it- to be together immediately. I will forever be grateful for their kindness.  

I really think that Kellen's spirit was in the room. I hope that he appreciates the moment we were given as much as I do. Maybe that is why the room was so reverent. Everyone in there was in the presence of a perfect angel who was having a moment with his mom. A spirit to spirit kind of moment.

Anyway, I thought about that "memory" today. I am so glad the doctors thought to tell Lucas about that so he could tell me, and so today while I was driving home I could get teary eyed and grateful and remember the tender mercies we are given.


Also, I have some news. Stay tuned.

Monday, January 16, 2012

Welcome to the world, Tanner!

Kellen and Molly have another cousin! 
Just over a week ago my brother Steven and his wife Ceci welcomed a beautiful, chubby, little baby boy into the world.  They named him Tanner, which I love.

Ceci and I were only two weeks apart in our pregnancies. With the closeness of our pregnancies and the visions we had early on of our boys growing together, his coming was bitter-sweet. Luckily, it was mostly sweet.

The day he came, I was feeling happy and sad. It was a happy moment as I imagined my brother and his wife holding and kissing their new son. I wished I could be there to see my nephew, Jacob, meet his little brother. I was excited to know that a spirit just joined our family who was so recently with my babies. I wanted to hold him because he is the closest thing in the world to holding Kellen. I also wanted to hold him because I wanted to hold and meet the new member of my family. I loved Tanner for being himself and being here, but I also love him for his connection to my own son.  I was also so excited because,well, I'm a girl and a newborn baby will never fail to trigger the baby babbling, giggling, puddle of mush side of me.

Unfortunately, when Tanner was born I also wished that I could experience what my brother and his wife got to. I wished that I also had a chance to say 'hello' to my own child and not have to say 'goodbye' the same day.  I looked at the pictures of their family together, smiles on their faces, and wondered what it would be like to be in their shoes. When I got the text that he had arrived, it came with a picture of a crying little baby. My first feeling was of pure joy. My immediate second emotion was of a jealous pang that said 'I would give anything I have to be able, just once, to see Molly or Kellen cry.'

I wish I was strong enough not to compare. However, when a pregnancy goes 30 weeks of excited comparisons, it is hard not to continue to compare births and ask the "what-ifs".

I don't know if you remember, but just weeks after Molly was born, our nephew, Hank joined the family. He has continued to be a joy to us, as much as any nephew or niece ever is. However, with Hank, there is a special piece of him that reminds me of my little girl. I love that about him. I love that when I see him I remember that he was with her before we got her. I remember that when I first held him I bawled my eyes out and wished he was Molly. I remember that the next time I held him he looked at me, silently at first- just staring at my face. Then he began to babble so much for a baby so young. Both his mom and I were shocked. It was as though he were telling me all about Molly, and I like to think he was bringing me a message in the only way he knew how. Today, when I see Hank- I feel Molly. Needless to say- I love seeing Hank. (Plus he is one of the happiest most smiley toddlers in the world, so, win-win)

I am so happy that I will get that same blessing with another Nephew. I will always remember and think of my Kellen when I see Tanner. He will always be the spirit that I believe is good friends with his cousins. I cannot wait to hold him. I cannot wait to kiss his chubby cheeks. I am so excited to fall in love with him as I have with all my nephews and nieces. I already love him. And one day, I am excited to tell him the story of his cousin Kellen Michael. I will tell him why I give him an extra hug every time he sees me. I hope he will be proud to know he is named after a friend he can't remember, a pure cousin. I hope he will know that Kellen is looking over him- his own namesake.

See, my amazing brother and his wife named their baby Tanner Michael. They chose to honor Kellen by giving Tanner the same middle name. Tanner Michael. I cry every time I think about him.

I am so happy you are here, Tanner Michael Hermann. Your "Auntie Hermann" as your mom calls me, and your uncle Lucas love you so much. Everyone wont always know it when they see us. Sometimes, too, you might forget. But you will always be a sweet reminder for me of the joy I have waiting for me in heaven. And, I know, that just like your sweet brother or your cousin Hank, you are be a piece of the joy that is already here.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Drowning and cookies.

Last night after I made some cookies, Lucas and I were cuddling up and watching some Home Improvement. He had a big cup of water.

I had turned around on the sofa so my back was to the TV and I was leaning on him. Kinda belly to belly. He decided to tease me and pretend to pour his water on me. I'm not sure why, but when I saw that my immediate reaction was to open my mouth.
I cannot explain this reaction. I'm going to call it a leftover baby reflex.
Lucas kinda shrugged and decided not to miss the opportunity and immediately began pouring water in my mouth.

My reclined and twisted cuddle position was not going to allow me to swallow this stupidly unexpected onslaught of water.
Also, he did not stop pouring/snickering until the cup was nearly empty.
I could not keep up. I immediately started gagging and silently trying to hold back laughter while trying not to spit water everywhere.
It ended up coming up and out my nose and dripping all over the place as I ran to the sink to spit out the water to keep myself from drowning at the hand of my husband.
Then I laughed and gave Lucas a little half-punch.

About a half-hour later we were folding some laundry before going to bed.
We were each standing on one side of the bed. Then, with a little smirk and a motion towards the front of my shirt, which was soaked he says,
"Hmmm, what happened there?!"

Also, this morning I ate three oatmeal cookies for breakfast. I visited Lucas at work, and then I had three oatmeal cookies for Lunch.

I'd call that a good way to celebrate my escape from drowning on my sofa.

Friday, January 13, 2012

Like a candle.

I have spent the morning cuddling Moose and reading my old blogs from after losing Molly. I had forgotten how hard it was. I mean, it was hard and I remember the pain. I remember the day we lost her, however the feelings in the months following kinda started fading because I have tried to focus on and remember the good days.

This may sound weird, but I kinda comforted myself today. I looked back and remembered that I DID have the same social anxiety and inability to get out of my apartment after Molly. Then, just like now, I would look around at other babies at church or around town and see them as incredible miracles, I would be so proud of and excited for their mothers, but a little saddened because I wanted my children here so badly. I felt the same desire to feel happiness again, but sometimes I really did only want to break down and lose it because deep down my heart is still broken.

I wanted to heal, but I wanted to feel. I felt and feel stuck between those two wants.

I had the same guilt about looking forward to having more children because I wanted to give Molly all our thoughts and time. I had a hard time wanting to expand our family because then Molly would be a smaller percentage of it. This time, I feel the same way. I have felt guilt about wanting to adopt so soon because I don't want to take away from the time we are hurting for Kellen. I struggle knowing that with new children, our sweet Kellen is in the past.

Luckily, as I read my old blog posts, I was able to tell myself that when you have another baby the love you feel for the first does not lessen. If anything, it gets stronger. My mom likes to explain having kids like lighting candles. You light the first one and you wonder how anything could possibly make your life as warm and bright. But then you use that candle and you light another candle. Suddenly you have two flames that are burning just as bright as the first did originally. The first candle's flame is the same as it was before. The only difference is there is more light in the room because there is another candle. More light in my life because of another flame. The more candles you light, the more light in my life. Yet my love (or the flame) on each candle is the same and equally bright no matter how many I light. 

I believed the candle metaphor when she told me, because I had seen and felt how deeply she loves all of her six children. However, I didn't really understand it until we got pregnant with Kellen. I love Kellen as infinitely as I love Molly. I think of both of them every day. When we adopt a baby, or have another, my love for them will also know no bounds. It is possible to be completely consumed in love for more than one person.

Right now I talk about two things with Lucas nonstop. I talk about possible life changes (still praying about it) and about adoption. I check my email 5,000,000 times a day just in case someone is contacting us about a placement. I have had a few friends send me possible adoption opportunities and I have contacted all the social workers involved. However we haven't had our home study done yet and through most non LDSFS agencies we simply don't have the financial means, so we have been unable to go very far. Adoption is very emotional. I have spent days with each opportunity we hear about driving around wondering, Is that our baby? Does that baby belong with us? Is that our next candle?

I am so excited to have another little "flame" to light up and warm our lives. It's just about all I think about. I think about the candles in my life already and the ones I hope will join us. It's really a warm and comforting thing to think about.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Real life romance and funny videos

This morning before Lucas left for work he said, 
"Would you mind trimming Moose's butt hair today? It's like a net back there." 
He keeps getting "things" stuck.
What a wonderful and romantic request in the morning. haha!

Lucas and I are considering making some big life changes. We are praying about it to make sure we do what is best for us and our family. I will give more details when actual decisions are made, but if you feel like praying that we receive some extra guidance, please do.


Last week I found a bunch of printed pictures that my ex-boyfriend had sent me in the mail to try and convince me to move back to Hawaii. I felt bad still having them, but I also didn't know what to do with them. I'm sure he would probably want them back, (he sent me his best and funniest pictures). However, I don't have his address anymore and I am pretty sure that sending him a text message or an email would be a bad thing. (He kinda hates me because he thinks I fooled around with a band guy)
So I kept the pictures in an envelope with his name on it on the counter for a few days.
Then I threw them away.
Maybe it's his fault for sending his best pictures to his ex?
I still feel guilty. I wish all breakups happened mutually so that when things like this come up, pictures that someone might want dont end up in the trash with some empty cereal boxes and stale bread.
(Oh, and have no fear. I did not fool around with said band guy. --- I am innocent of ex's claims!)


Speaking of Band guy (Carlos).  AFTER ex decided to believe lies of inappropriate activities, Carlos and I became good friends. He invited me to the Grammy's with him the year that Jason Mraz's song, I'm Yours, was such a huge hit. I would have gone with the Mraz group and sat in the seats with them. He offered to buy me a dress to wear.
I met Lucas before the Grammy trip and decided to be with him. I ended up telling Carlos, who had "fallen for me" via phone calls,  that I had fallen in love with Lucas very quickly and I would have to end our phone calls.  I said I wanted to still be friends, he said "Everything happens for a reason".
So I chose Lucas over the Grammy's and a band guy.
It was worth it. Lucas is the best decision of my life.
Though, my sister, Emily, thinks I should have strung Lucas along a little while so I could have had both.  I did not listen to her.
So now I have a neat story of how I ALMOST met Jason Mraz, and I ALMOST went to the Grammy's.

But the better story is most definitely how I met the most amazing man ever created and married him, and three years later we live a classy romantic and spontaneous butt-hair cutting life.

Off to do another Insanity work out, fold some laundry, fill out forms for the school, and look for jobs. 
Though it's not filled with riches and fame, this is the life for me.

*~*~*~*~*~*~ *
At night, Lucas and I tend to sleep with our backs to each other, curled up with our bums close. 
Almost every night since we have been married one of us will reach back and give the other bum three little pats.
Without fail, the other person has always returned the pats. 
It's the cutest little silent "I love you" in the world. 
I hope we never stop doing that.
Also, watch these videos that make me laugh. Honestly, I laughed so hard. I wish I was as brilliant as the dad who  made the Interview video, and as Amelia-Bedelia-like as the DJ German man confused by America:


To end I will say that I bought some Kix because I remember thinking they were good. 
"Kid-Tested; Mother Approved!" right?
WRONG. What kind of kids like that cereal? 
It's like eating air. Or tasteless Styrofoam balls. Or crunchy milk.
My kids will not test this. And I will not approve. 

 Unless, my kids want to have a contest to see who can throw the most Kix into the air and catch it in their mouths. I did this once in sixth grade. I caught like 300  in a row. Maybe that's why I thought I liked them. They give me raw talent.

Monday, January 9, 2012

A change in my 'tude.

It is time for me to change my tune.

It's been a rough couple of days, yes, but days like that will come. The best thing is, they will also go.
Eventually, things will work out. They have to because there really is no option to give up. Days will come and find us and there is no stopping them. And why would we want to? Every day is another chance for me to appreciate the life I have been given. 

Today I am trying to look around me and pay attention to all that I have. Seems a simple and cliche resolution, but it really does work.


I have wonderful friends, an amazing family, in-laws I adore, a husband who brightens every moment he is a part of, a dog who's teensy nub of a tail wags every time I even look at him, a warm home, a chance for a college education that many would give anything for. I have a very bored fish that the husband has conversations with, two children in heaven who can be with me wherever I am and who make me want to live life better, food to eat, a chance at adoption, a healthy body, and moments that make me laugh every day.

There are many people out there who are suffering far more than I can understand. People are sick, and hurting. People are hungry and homeless. Some people battle depression due to no fault of their own, others are lonely and have no one to turn to. There are children with no families, there are people who doubt their own identity and place in their own homes, there are those who are trapped in an addiction and struggling to make it through every day.

I need to focus my energy, instead of in selfish self-pity, on helping the people around me who quietly go through struggles I can't even begin to understand.

Today I am changing my mind set. I am going to appreciate Kellen and Molly for the part they play in our story. I will not wish to change our situation, because one day they will be resurrected and I will see them and know that enduring right now was completely worth it.

Last night Lucas and I were so discouraged that we went to bed at like 8:30. We both woke up and started our day with some exercise, a shower, and a positive attitude.

Moose is trying to climbhakd on.    my face right now. (makes typing difficult)

And life is good. If I dont want to be sad I dont have to be. Or to use my brilliant husband's words of inspiration,
 "Don't be and you won't be."

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Life crumbles in one...two...three.

Before you read this..I must worn you that I am a whiney mess. I will recover, so you dont have to read this. I just need to vent. I will try and be happier tomorrow.
Yesterday I was an emotional wreck. I feel like my life is falling apart and there is nothing I can do to stop it. 

I went to my early class and didn't sit next to the pregnant girl. I took  notes on my computer that were really good. After class I waited around and was feeling really shy so I went to the computers in the library and wasted time. I went to my adoption blog. It is still getting traffic, but I worried that it would never be seen by the people who need to see it. 

I had an appointment at 11 with the head of the nursing program. I showed up 15 minutes early. She invited me into her office, and I explained that I was hoping she could help me know my chances of getting accepted, if it would be AT ALL possible for me to get accepted despite being three points below a B in my Anat and Phys class, and to ask if I could switch tracks if I did get accepted in case we adopted a baby. 
She seemed not to care about anything I said. She acted a bit confused as to why I was there. I have been completely dreading re-taking that anat and phys class. It was so much work and it was all online so I had nobody to explain anything to me. I figured a B- was a decent grade and the thought of re-doing all that work seemed like a huge waste of time over three points. 
At first she looked at my transcript and said, "Your grades are good, so are you a CNA already?" I said "No, I wish I was!" She kinda grunted and pulled my transcript closer and circled the B- and said "mmm. You have to get this up. We have to have a B or you can't get accepted. In fact, if you did get accepted I would have to send you a letter that says you cant because this grade is too low" 

It felt like a punch in the face! My eyes betrayed me and immediately started watering. She ignored that I was crying which I hated and appreciated.

I don't have time to get into another anatomy and physiology II class and I really don't have the will. I knew I would have to re-take that class and I wasn't sure I could do it again. I don't think I can ever get into the nursing  program. And even if I did, I hope to adopt while in the program so I won't be able to finish it. Still it felt like a loss.

Luckily, I'm not sure I want to anymore. My goal was to be a nurse in Labor and Delivery. That is now the most emotional and painful place in the world for me, so I have been doubting being a nurse at all. However, I was still going to try since I had come this far. But that meeting was like coming to the end of a very difficult hike. Like my personal path to nursing got cut off way sooner than I wanted it to, but that I also wasn't sure I even wanted to get there anymore. 

I cried the whole way back to my car.

I bawled once I made it to my car. Thoughts kept entering my head of the amount of time I have spent working towards good good goals, the intense effort and emotion I put into it just to have the things I want most ripped away from me. 

I have spent a year working towards the nursing program, and now it seems that is in impossibility. By the time I retake that class, re-apply, start and finish the program now it will be another 3 years. The BYU-I program would be nearly impossible to do anyway if we adopted a baby. I cried about the lost time and effort there. I cried because I have already started working towards more classes to get into the program I can't get into, and now my time felt completely USELESS.

Then I cried about my babies. I cried because I wouldn't even be here if I was at home raising them like I should be. I cried because I have spent 16 months of my life pregnant, and my goal of motherhood has ended with burying my children in the ground.  I cried because I ached for them.

Then I cried because the day before we realized that Lucas' work at Rent-A-Center might end in like 3 weeks to a month. They aren't making enough money so they will close. Then we won't make enough money and we won't qualify for adoption. 

All of my goals seem impossible. Right now it seems like life is telling me that everything I want is wrong. I felt like for some reason it is impossible for me to get anything I want. Especially my children. 

I went home and cried and cried on the phone to my parents. Yes, it was a bit of a pity party. However, I think I needed it. I'm still mourning losing Kellen and Molly. I am  also now mourning not being a nurse (even though I wasn't sure I still wanted it), and I am mourning the fact that I worry that we cant adopt because soon we wont qualify.

Today I am trying to make the decision of staying in school this semester or taking time off to figure my life out and earn some money so that if Lucas loses his job we can survive. Maybe even qualify to adopt. 

I want to be a mother more than I have ever wanted a career. 

Anyway, I had a headache all day from the crying. I ended the day cuddling Lucas until he was tired then I did an Insanity workout, showered to wash away the horrible day, and went to bed. 

I dreamed about Kellen he was helping me escape people who were chasing me. He was guiding me through and telling me where to go. I cried this morning when I realized it. you can read it here.

I'm such a cry baby.

Today I am going to visit Lucas at work, return textbooks I wont need anymore, look for a job, and try to cheer the heck up! I just really need something to go right for me. I need something to happen so I dont feel like life's favorite punching bag. 

Also, my nephew is going to be born today. Kellen was supposed to be born around this time, too. Just weeks after we lost Molly, we had a nephew born. This really has been the same tragedy all over again. We sit at home alone when we should be bringing home a healthy baby. Just hours away, my brother will welcome a brand new baby into his family. Healthy, happy, and perfect. 

I am SO excited to have a new nephew. I will love him as much as I love all my other nieces and nephews. He will always be the nephew who shows me how big Kellen would be. His landmarks of growing up would have been timed with Kellen's, the same way my nephew, Hank, is a reminder of Molly. It is a beautiful thing eventually. But today on his birthday (in  just a few hours), I am a bit sad.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012


Today I started my sophomore year at BYU-I.
At the beginning of the day I had absolutely no motivation and was not feeling like I am ready for school again. Just too many people being nit-picky about too much, ya know?
However, by the end of the day I was feeling excited and happy.

I did someone a favor and ended up in a class with an awesome teacher because of it.
I went to microbiology and I already know about most of the stuff he was talking about.
I almost cried in Family Foundations (I cry at school really easy. If someone brings up being a mother I get teary)
I said the prayer in one class.
I made it to all my classes on time.
I forgot to buy one textbook.
I got to hang out with Lucas for the break between my classes.
I had to use three computers to print a syllabus because they kept freezing.
I used a fourth computer when I remembered to print ALL my syllabus' (syllabi?)
I missed my chemistry group from last year.
I remembered that I like learning.
I walked around and my legs were burning because they are so sore from Insanity.

I sat next to a girl that was super happy and told me how much she loves pregnant women.
She was sitting next to a pregnant girl who was bursting with the news that her still-flat belly was home to a little miracle. She also said that she hopes to have 8 to 10 children. I felt a little teeny tiny knife in my heart.
I'll be honest. I was part of their conversation until she said she was expecting. By the time she was patting her still flat belly I was leaning back in my chair just looking down at my hands resting on my empty notebook. I was happy for her, but I was a bit jealous of how unconcerned she seemed to be. And of the fact that she will probably bring home a baby in 6ish months. I got over it quickly and smiled at her and then paid attention to the teacher instead of to my neighbors giggling about houses full of babies that are easily within their grasp.

It's crazy how 5 months and a tragedy can make you forget that you like school.
Also, I reached a point where my desire to be a nurse is much lower. Not because I don't want to be a nurse, but because right now all I can really think about is being a mother. I hope my motivation comes back before I ruin my gpa.

I came home from school and played with moose at the park for a while.
He LOVES the park. He loves to chase that frisbee.
I love that dog.

(This is not a lie. I took these today and it is January in Rexburg, Idaho)

Monday, January 2, 2012

Hooray for you!

Lucas and I started the "Insanity" workout program this morning.
I seriously thought I was going to decorate the living room floor with last nights dinner. My legs were shaking and I felt like death. But to be honest... it was kind of awesome!

I am so excited to get my butt kicked every day so I can get back in shape! Anyway, I went from feeling so sick from an insane workout and then checked the adoption blog.

*Unexpected feelings of elation!*
Since late last night when we published the blog to 11am when I checked it we had over 1200 hits!

I am a happy lady this morning. It has made me (almost) forget about how sick I still feel from that workout.

I think I owe a HUGE thank you to all of you, my friends.

Please wrap your arms around yourself and squeeze and wiggle just a little bit and pretend its from me.

I'm feeling SOOOOOOO hopeful and happy! 
I want to yell out the window and tell all my neighbors about my excitement!

 I'm positive that Molly and Kellen have also played a part in all the wonderful progress we have seen so far.  They really do watch over our family. I hope they are dancing with me in my apartment this morning!
I love you, my angels. 

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Happy and Completely Disgusted this evening.

First off the GOOD news...
Tonight we finished our adoption blog! The button with our picture that says "Hoping to Adopt" will take you there! Or click here! 
We are very excited about it. Hopefully word will get out and we will be blessed by adoption sometime in this wonderful new year!

Hopes for the new year
1) Get approved through LDSFS to adopt a baby.
2) ADOPT and bring one of our children home with us.
3) Feel more joy and be happier.
4) Finish Kellen's scrapbook.
5) Do well in School and get into the nursing program.

We are not approved to adopt through the agency yet because the paperwork takes FOREVER. However, if we were contacted privately we would not need agency acceptance, we would just need to be approved by the birth parents and get legal paperwork and fees taken care of. That is why we published our blog early.

(Speaking of new years...ours was spent with both of us slightly sick. We bought some unhealthy snacks, rented a movie, and got in our pjs early. We watched a movie, played wii, remembered to watch the ball 10 minutes before, watched it drop. Gave mini kisses (big kisses aren't hot when you are sick...even on New Years!) then went to sleep. We are WILD I tell you. Maybe next year right!

And now..the disgusted part.

I received an email today from a name I did not recognize. It told me to check my email I have on this blog because there was something I should see. I figured it was probably spam, but checked anyway.
I found this message

"There is a very sick woman in Oak Harbor Ohio that is posting your pictures and saying they are hers. This includes the pictures of your baby that you recently lost. I just thought that you would like to know and maybe you can do something about it. Here is a link to her facebook page...."

He then led me to her page.
This was no joke.

There was a picture of a girl that wasn't me, but there on her wall was a new photo album titled "Jayden Andrew" but instead of some other little family it was MY family.

She had a description that said something like "This was the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. My son, Jayden, was born at 32 weeks stillborn."

Then this horrible woman used pictures of MY SON. My sweet Kellen. I was confused and wanted to throw up. I wanted to find this person and figure out what caused them to realize that there are some things that are beyond sacred. There are some people who experience things that are too pure too even joke about, let alone lie about and try to steal.

Confused at how she thought she could pass off my pictures as her and my son as her baby, I clicked on more of her photos.

My mind was further blown as I see tons of pictures of ME AS A CHILD. This woman had completely hacked my whole facebook!! (which is set to private..confused).

Shortly after I saw this, she used my facebook to update and repost an old picture of my ex-boyfriend, Jamie. I don't understand this but I quickly reset my password and changed all my privacy settings so you can't logon to my facebook from any computer but my own. I also changed my blog privacy settings to protect my pictures from being stolen.

(Obviously a lot of good has come from this blog for both my family and for other families who have expereinced loss. I did not want to make it private completely because I like to hope others can find-if not comfort-than at least understanding.)

Sometimes people can really disappoint me. (Like the mom I saw yesterday who spit her gum in the middle of the parking lot instead of throwing it away)
Luckily, there are far more times in my life when I am very pleasantly surprised by the goodness of people. (Like the teenager I saw collecting other people's discarded carts lazily thrown to the side and taking them back to the little gathering cage in the freezing weather just because she was nice)

Happy New Year, Indeed.

Another goal
6) Be a good person. All. The. Time.