Sunday, October 31, 2010

Molly's Memorial

When Molly passed away we decided to bury her and have the funeral in Colorado. We both grew up there, and want to end up there some day. To us that is home, so we can think of no better place to have her memorial.

Today my family went to the cemetery to see her new headstone. They sent us these pictures. I wish so badly that we could have gone too.




They placed it a month and a half earlier than we expected. Its beautiful. We picked everything, and wanted it simple and beautiful as she was.

It is horrible not to be able to go see it myself. I dont feel like I need to go to her grave site to talk to her, I talk to her here plenty. But there is something about being at the place where her little body is. I want to go. I want to be there too. These years we are far away in school will be hard. Because it would be nice to have a designated place where I go just to think of her. Where I dont ever go to think of anything else...if I'm there...she is filling my heart and my thoughts.

If you are in Colorado and want to go see her headstone, it is at the Olinger Chapel Hill Mortuary & Cemetery in littleton Colorado. She is in "baby land". If you go, I would love it if you would give her a flower from her mom and dad, since we cant and we ache for the chance.

Seeing the pictures is making me emotional...so I'm not going to post from my 30 day challenge list today. Maybe tomorrow. Have a happy halloween

Friday, October 29, 2010

Our Dresser

We got this dresser with the idea of painting it black to match our black bed, but lately black furniture seems SO boring to me.

The house on modern family, Phil and Claire's, is my dream house. I love everything about it. Anyway, I finally got around to painting our dresser.

WalMart's cheap paint section doesn't offer very many colors, so I decided to go with Celery Green. I wasn't in love with it then. I am not in LOVE with the finished product, I think because our bedding is green but a slightly different shade of green. And that's a lot of greens in one small room.

Even though its not perfect, I like it better than it was before so that makes it worth it! (Plus I can either re-do it or I can sell it for more than I bought it for!)

But here you go!




(Carrie, your dresser puts mine to shame, but we both have always known you kick my trash at craftiness! hahaha )

Day 12: Something I am OCD about

I have never been and probably never will be consistant at anything in my life, especially not enought to call myself "OCD".

Growing up we didn't really have a set routine for anything. I wake up at different times every day. I eat different foods, different amounts for every meal. I wear different clothing, and have never, even as a kid, had a need to have the PERFECT outfit. I have never consistantly needed to talk to one person every day (Until I got married...) Sometimes I did my homework, sometimes I didn't. I have gone through stretches of being unusually clean, and others where I am unusually messy. My family sometimes had family home evening, and other weeks we forgot. I took some sports, but never for more than a couple years. Sometimes I wear jewelry, sometimes I dont. Sometimes I really care about doing my hair, others I dont. I am pretty textbook "easy-going".

However, if I have to pick something to be "ocd" about.. I guess I MIGHT obsess over NEEDING change. When I got bored with my first school, I got excited to change schools. I have always craved meeting new people. I get excited trying to change my wardrobe, or the way my furniture is arranged, or my hair color. I have moved 8 times in 5 years, and I'm still not sick of it. I LOVE a clean slate. I love looking for new places to move to and new jobs to have. I love looking for new music to listen to, and new shows to watch.

Of course I have the things that I have always enjoyed and will always enjoy, like grilled cheese, The Office, Modern Family, Holidays, Children, Family etc.. but I dont really eat or watch or do anything "no matter what!" and never have. It's just not me. If something doesn't go the way it always has, or the way I wish it would have, I pretty much just get over it, move on, or decide I liked the way it worked out just fine. I'm more of a big picture person. If something isn't going to keep someone in my family or a loved one from being happy or from going to heaven, than I dont really worry about it.

Since Molly passed away and we came home from the hospital without her, I was hit with the shocking truth that life was now the same. I felt like a new person, and I had expected to be a stay-home mom from here on out if possible. We had expectations of the most exciting change I could ever imagine...but then she was gone. It was back to the same old job, the same apartment, the same everything. So this is when I have been most OCD about change in my life. I have clung to my need to change things more than I used to.

In the past three months I have attempted to sell all our furniture, make plans for new furnture, moved to a new apartment, redone a dresser, picked wall paint, changed my hair color, got a new table, changed the department where I work at the hotel, got a dog, tried to get a gym membership, tried to plan trips we will never be able to afford, changed how I eat...I have tried to change EVERYTHING.

Moving was good. Getting to a new place where we were contstantly reminded of how lonely it was coming home without Molly was necessary for us. Getting Moose was...well.... dumb. But it's been fun, and we love him (most of the time) He sure is cute, and its nice to take care of something.

Lucas doesn't enjoy change. He likes to feel settled. He likes the idea of getting a job with a company and staying there, and getting really really good at it. The idea of buying a house and not moving for years and years and years. He is fine with leaving the furniture and the decorations just how they are for as long as we live here, which for him, could be forever. We are SO different, sometime he wonders why I feel the need to change things so much. Its not that I'm not happy or grateful for the things that I have...it's just that since I was young I have found excitement in the way things feel when they can be changed. They way life has limitless options for almost everything.

So if that is something that qualifies, than I guess the need for change is what makes me OCD.



By the way, sorry it's taking me so long to blog. I'm horribly sleep deprived and mostly just sit and stare, work, sleep, or take Moose outside. I'm not very productive, so as soon as I get some good sleep catch up and get some motivation I'll be more consistant with blogging. Just more proof that I can't really do any one thing every single day. (Except go to work- I'm responsible as an employee, but that is forced routine. I would love to work when and where and however i want to. Dreaming is okay, right?)

I've been feeling more sad than usual lately. I lost it the other day when I was looking at picture of Molly. I am feeling pretty Blah because I am clinging to the life that we never got to raise. People keep giving me "tips" for how to move-on. And ways to healthily stay happy. I appreciate them wanting to cheer me up, and missing the old peppy me. but....

When Molly died people said "It's going to be hard for a long time" "take as long as you need to grieve" "You lost your daughter, you are allowed to be sad as long as you want"

Turns out that very few people meant that. Those same people seem to be getting sick of me still caring. They aren't rude or anything, but comments like "you need to find something else to think about" or "You need to get out more" sometimes hit me as insensitive. I'm still sad. Not all the time, not everyday. But I dont think it's rediculous that when I am sad that it is OKAY. Its only been 3 months, so people should be able to just LET ME GREIVE. On the days when I cry or I disappear...dont say "You need a distraction. You need to get out. You need to do this...you just dont seem happy" Just accept that I feel sad that day. I need that day. I want that day. You can wait patiently for a day when I am happy.


I'm happy today. That was yesterday's frustration coming out. :P

I'll post a picture of the dresser I worked on yesterday and will finish today as soon as I finish it. :)

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Oops

I'm going to go ahead and say the 30 day writing challenge doesn't have to be 30 consecutive days :) I needed a blog world break. I added some songs that are not really about losing a child, but yesterday all of them made me cry thinking of her. (Not the kind of cry I wish never happened, but the kind of cry that makes me feel like she's here) So you should listen up. I added a player that doesn't play the music automatically because some people HATE music on blogs so now you have the option :)

Day 11- A photo taken recently.



This is me holding my nephew, Hank. I look weird in it, but it makes me happy because at that moment I was happy to hold him. I was happy for HIM. I was able to love him and not be upset he wasn't Molly. Tears came later when holding him. Feeling a newborn in my arms so shortly after losing Molly was horrible and beautiful at once. But I like this photo because that smile was real. I think that's a big step.

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I've been feeling odd lately. Lucas and I have both recently swung back into hard days of grieving. He feels quick to anger (His anger is mostly just being quiet- he's too nice to yell or be mean to anyone). I feel quick to tears. We just miss Molly. Its a weird point now where people have moved on, and we have not.

Everyone else seems to be pregnant. I both want to be pregnant again, and am so terrified of it that I am glad for now my body is just mine. For now.

We had an interview with our Bishop in our new ward at church because he wanted to meet all the new couples in the ward. He asked me about Lucas and our goals and our testimonies and our life. Naturally Molly came up. Usually I mention it and sit there, numb. But this time I began to cry instantly and so did he. We sat in his office both crying. It was good, and I needed to cry to someone. Maybe I felt okay there because I could feel the spirit and I didn't know him. It was good. I love the church.

Lucas' parents are coming into town tomorrow. I'm excited. It will be nice to have family around. Lucas' mom has been a HUGE help with Molly's memory book and I'm sure she will be helping out with it some. We are planning on going to the haunted straw maze with them. (It's SO SCARY! We went last year and I laugh-cried and fell on the ground while running from a guy on stilts in a huge long trench coat. It was cool.

Recently my friend Carrie asked me to sign up for a package exchange. You get the name and a survey of someone else who signed up and spend around 10 ish dollars putting together a package for them. I had never done this before, and have been so distracted with Moose and work that I have been feeling super un-creative. I had no clue what to do. I had my friend Carrie. I went to the store and was in a weird mood and got her anything that made me laugh and some other things that made me say..she'd like that. 10 dollars isn't much.

Then I took her package in and got mine. Mine was SO thoughtful! She got me a picture of Jesus holding an infant. She wrote me a loving and thoughtful letter. And she gave me a halloween craft idea and cute halloween decoration. Made me feel sorry for Carry because I did such a horrible job! My package skills are pretty beginner. But I do want to say thank you to Stacy, who made my package, for putting so much thought into it. I was very touched by your letter and thoughtfulness. :)

I am going to re-color my hair. I have to do it with either box color or go to the hair college because we have no $$$, but that's okay. I have to do it. Do you know why? Here is why my resolve went from "might" to "must"

Conversation with Lucas:
me: "How do you feel about me going to color my hair brown at the hair school?"
him: "If you need to. Your hair is already brown, though"
me: "it WAS brown. Now it has faded to a horrible orange color and my roots are the only brown part"
him: "Perfect for Halloween."
me: "You think my hair is halloweeny? Now I'm definitely coloring it."
him: "hahaha"

My Halloweeny hair has got to go! :)

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Day 10: An old photo

A photo taken over ten years ago, and how it makes me feel.



This is me on my birthday when I turned 3. This picture doesn't really strike any strange emotions, I just think I look super rad in those cool glasses. And I have always received animals that are ALSO pillows and/or storage devices as gifts. There is one on the floor next to me now, an elephant pillow Lucas gave me when we first started dating. Moose has stolen it and drags it around by its trunk or tail and then sleeps on the pillow part. He would have liked that rabbit.

Also I like this picture because my accessories have not matched that well since.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Day 9: A recent Photo

A photo (Or photos?) taken since our loss.

The stages of life since our loss have been so different it has been hard to pick just one, so I will post a few pictures of life since we lost her.

1. New Body, New life.


I debated putting this online for obvious reasons, but it shows all my scars from the gallbladder surgery and the emergency C-section. This is four weeks to the day from when Molly passed away. I looked as beat up as I felt both emotionally and physically. C-section scar, stretch marks, Gall Bladder incisions... I had to accept it all with the truth of our loss. A new body with a new life that I am ever reminded is out of our control.


2. New Nephew


Weeks after our loss our Nephew, Hank, was born. He is a beautiful baby boy. It has been a blessing and a trial having him join our family. He makes us so happy because we see after our loss that having a baby survive IS possible. He makes us sad because with every milestone comes a pang of sadness as we realize Molly would have been there too. We just went to his baby blessing. It was both beautiful and difficult for both of us. We dont want to miss any part of the happiness of Hank's life because we see Molly in him. We wont hide from his birthdays, baptism, sports events...anything.



3, Memory Book

I have been making a memory book of Molly. It is taking me FOREVER because I have never been a "scrapbooker". But, I really want to preserve Molly's items in a special way and in a way that our kids will look at her and know of their sister, and how deeply she has affected our family. This book has been a wonderful gift of healing, a project I can work on and target my emotions and love for her into.



4. Life.


We went to the birthday party of my good friend, Carrie. She was getting one year older. She had a little kid style party, and we celebrated. Her friends there knew about Molly but didn't say anything so I was able to feel normal. We ate cupcakes, and candy (my diet was ignored and I got sick but it was worth it for a day of normalcy) So life moves on, and people are happy, and we still go see our friends and party. And Carrie is beautiful.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Day 8: Sad Photo

A photo that makes me angry/sad

The only photos that make me angry are photos of kids fighting. I dont have any in mind or on my computer but when those stories are on the news I get SO livid! Fighting is so lame. It repulses me.

But, as I'm sure you could have guessed, I have lots of photos that make me sad.
As all my photos of Molly bring mixed emotions, I must say that I dont burst into tears when I see this photo, but it brings the least happiness of all of them because it was a moment of pure sadness. This would have been a good family picture, but I was unable to smile, I was unable to think, I couldn't do anything but wish things weren't the way they were.




If it weren't for the emotion I remember feeling while this picture was being taken I would adore it because of the way Lucas is looking at her. As a proud Father. If I can focus on him, this photo is the moment I waited for all those months. I loved watching him become a dad. I loved watching him hold his baby girl with pride and love. He said to me that she became his whole world the second he saw her. That makes me happy. And from now on I will see THAT when I see this picture.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Day 6 and 7

I forgot to do day six yesterday because we were leaving Utah, and we were a little...distracted.

Day 6: 20 things that calm me
1. A clean house
2. Looking at photo albums/scrapbooks
3. Making and Eating Cookie Dough
4. Talking on the phone to Sarah or my Mom
5. Being with the family.
6. Reading the scriptures
7. Writing in my journal.
8. Hot Baths!
9. Long showers.
10. The Beach.
11. Swimming
12. Holding a newborn. (this can either calm or sadden me lately)
13. Pictures of Molly.
14. Cuddling Lucas
15. Long car rides. I usually fall asleep in under 20 minutes.
16. Sleeping.
17. Being bored at work.
18. Getting my Back scratched.
19. Getting my legs rubbed
20. Having my hair played with.

Turns out I love being touched. Lucas learned early on that all he has to do is play with my hair for five minutes and I'll be sleeping.

Day 7: A photo that makes me happy.



I love this photo of me kissing Molly. She looks so beautiful and content. She was breathing on her own here, and this moment will always be one of the best moments of my life. ________________________________________________________________________________

Guess what?!



He's ours! His name is Moose.

So Lucas was a little nervous and unsure about getting him, because he wants to get the perfect dog and because his parents dont want us to get one. However, I warned him when we were dating that I am a little obsessed with dogs. I love them, and it takes all I've got not to buy one everywhere I go. I'm surprised we have made it 18 months and this is the first time I even attempted getting a puppy!

Often, I will cruise KSL to look at puppies. Then I found him. He was smaller and less fluffy in his picture, but I thought he was adorable. I called the lady and asked if she still had him and she said she did but that she couldnt hold him for me until we could get down on the weekend to see him. I was bummed and showed Lucas the picture and he said he wasn't that cute. I gave up. I actually let myself get frustrated because I had gotten my hopes up because I thought he was adorable. Then the weekend comes and we go to Utah and I get a text on Saturday that says, "When did you want to come see the puppy?" And I think... now.

I tell Lucas she still has him and we should just go look at him. He says he would love to look at him but he doubts he will like him. I am pretty sure at this point that he will say no to him, and I want Lucas to like our dog so I told him to be honest when we see the dog. I told him that if he didn't want him he just had to tell me that he wasn't what he wanted and we would leave without a dog no questions asked. We agreed.

I knew I would love him.

When the lady drove up and came out with him I squealed. He was so cute! He was bigger and fluffier than the picture that was first posted of him and he was SO cute. I held him and was in love, then I handed him to Lucas and he looked really happy too. He set him down and played with him for a minute and said, "Okay. Let's get him." SO we got him! I was SOOOO happy! We decided a year or so ago that we would name our future dog Moose, and we thought it was a good and ironic name for him. He doesn't know it yet, but he will.

I know a lot of people will be disappointed we got a dog. But I have waited my whole life to be married and in a situation where we can get a puppy. Now, with our house seeming so empty all the time, and my nurturing desire being cut short when we lost Molly, I honestly think having Moose is theraputic in a way. We have something little and needy to take care of. Its not the same, but it takes our lonliness and hides it some. Lucas is in full on dad mode with this dog. He is obsessed with making sure he is happy and perfect and fed and cuddled and taken outside every 5 minutes. He is cute.

He is a shi-tzu/ Toy Australian Shepherd mix, or a "Shaussie". He is supposed to get to be around 15 lbs full grown. I love him!

video

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Day 5: Favorite Quote

My favorite quote changes all the time. Just about every time I hear someone say something I wish I would have thought of saying first.

Right now my favorite quote is from the movie, John Adams, on HBO. John Adams is leaving his family to meet with the other colonies and has his daughter say to him their family motto. And she answers "Be Good and do good."

I loved it. I think it is so simple, and since we have considered adopting it as our family motto and maybe putting it up on the wall.

My other favorite quote is one that a friend sent to me on facebook after Molly died. I read it and loved it so much because of how beautifully it was written. We are having it engraved on her headstone, and when I get a picture of it I will post it for you. The quote is

"Think of your child; then, not as passed, but as living; not as a flower that has withered, but as one that is transplanted, and touched by a divine hand, is blooming in richer colors and sweeter shades than those on earth."


We will read this every time we go to her grave, and our children will grow up knowing these words and knowing their sister is in a wonderful beautiful place.

Friday, October 8, 2010

Day 4: Favorite Book

My favorite book, and if it has changed since my loss.



I love the Book Of Mormon. It is from that book that we gain the knowledge and the hope of where our sweet Molly is. The change that happened in me when it comes to the Book of Mormon is only that it is no longer a place I go just for answers, or a book I read because it's simply uplifting on a hard day. This is a book that fuels me everyday. It's truths keep me walking, keep me breathing, keep me happy. This book and the teaching of modern prophets tell me that I have hope, and I will hold Molly again. That I will raise her. That she will always belong to Lucas and I. The Book of Mormon tells of the innocence of lost children and how they do NOT go to hell for not being baptized. It tells of how baptizing a small child is unneccesary because they have not sinned and are perfect until they are old enough to be held accountable. That until a child is 8 years old they are not judged for their sins because they did not know better. They go right to our Heavenly Father, and are happy.This truth is my air. I depend on it to have the strength to wait for her. And as any parent knows, my love for her is strong enough that will wait as long as it takes until I can see my baby.


Also, I had a dream about Molly last night, read it here

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Day 3: A television Program

A television program that moves me, or helped me get through the hard times.

This one is easy.
My in-laws became borderline obsessed with the show "Chuck". They had told us that it was hilarious but we were just not focused on trying to find a TV show to watch. Then we went to Colorado for Molly's service and to pass time we agreed to sit and watch the series pilot episode. We sat and watched it for a couple hours. It was just the kind of light-hearted, silly, charming, and easy watching show we needed. We got sucked into it.



As soon as we got home we purchased the second season and watched it, then when the third came out we bought that. The fourth season is on TV now, but unfortunately the whole premise of the show is getting a little out-done. The main characters who you root for a relationship got together too soon, and now the show just dances around it. I'll always appreciate that show for how it helped me escape my thoughts and actually feel like my normal happy silly self.

If you do watch it, I hope you agree with me. My favorite character is Casey, he's hilarious.




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We are still giddy over our new apartment, and now trying to choose an apartment color. But that will have to wait because we are going to Provo this weekend for my nephew Hank's baby blessing. We are a little nervous because that was one of the things we were most excited for when it came to Molly. A friend of mine even crocheted her a dress for the event, and instead of being blessed in it it became her burial dress. She looked like an angel.

We already had a baby blessing in Church. (The daughter of the lady who I did this to) and I cried hard after and had to leave the chapel. Lucas got emotional but held it together better than I did. This might be harder for him since its family and he will participate, probably. It's worth it, though. I'm so excited to see my Nephews!

Also my mother in law is giving me a Cricut Machine for scrapbooking. I'm SO excited. I've been making Molly's memory book and its taking forever, but I will have way more fun when I have that machine! It's awesome! My mother in law is the best!

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Day 2

A movie that helps me get through the hard times or that jumps out after my loss.


I haven't really had a movie that I watch when I'm having a hard time. But I've seen inception twice because Leonardo is an amazing actor and he makes great movie decisions.


Since our loss both Lucas and I have had a hard time focusing on movies and TV because it all seems pretty.....trivial. It was hard to get into any movies because they wouldn't hold our attention. It all seemed like no big deal and we were snapped back into our own troubles at the tiniest dull moment in the plot.

That's why we loved inception. It was an idea we hadn't thought about, and it had some great actors in it.






___________________________________________________________________
In other news today at work came with a self esteem shattering conversation. I was standing behind the desk having a conversation with two ladies and one of them says "So..when are you due?!" and I think fat but say "due? Oh. I just had a baby." and THEN she says "Yeah, because you still have a belly" WHAT?! I couldn't believe it. So I just stared and might have said something like "uh..b..ey...er.." but who knows. So I kinda just half smile because Im in shock that someone would have so little tact and then she says, while holding her arms up to show the size of my hips "You haven't lost your width yet either" Um. Thank you?
So what is crazy is that I am below my pre-pregnancy weight. I'm 5'7'' and currently weigh 132 lbs. I dont look pregnant. Maybe I was just standing weird? I wasn't as offended as I was and am baffled that someone could be so rude. If I struggled more with self image I would have probably cried right there. It scares me because that could have really really crushed someone.
Anyway. We are almost completely moved in to our apartment. We just have a few tables/rugs /shelves to get and we will be totally moved in. It feels so much better and more open than our old apartment and we LOVE it. Plus, our landlord said we can
1) Get a puppy
and
2) Paint the walls.
HOORAY!

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

A song, a move, and an application

I already posted the song that reminds me of Molly. Here it is with a little video.

I think it's pretty clear why this reminds me of her. It is an amazing song and it basically explains how I survive being here without her. Its lyrics are perfect for the feelings of being alone and having nobody who could understand exactly how I feel. It explains about the days that I walk around in sadness, only getting through because of Jesus Christ. His atonement is what gets me through and what carries me through the days that hurt. Like yesterday.

For about a week I have been more sad than usual. I cry very easily at the mention of Molly and looking at pictures comes with the feeling of being punched in the gut. I miss her so much. The backseat of the car is empty, and without a carseat it looks all wrong. We put the carseat in and drove it around empty for weeks. The second bedroom of our apartment holds a desk and her armoir...an armoir that now holds the makings of a memory book instead of her clothes. Yesterday a man we work with came to work and spent all day talking about the wonderful delivery of his first grandchild. A perfect and healthy little girl. I am of course very excited for him, and its cute to see how he is such a proud grandpa, but it makes me sad to think that MY dad didn't get his moment to show off his granddaughter. I was too sensitive the entire day and think I cried about 5 times. I never all out bawled, but i would just cry. Standing at work behind the counter. Talking to a friend. In the car. On the phone. In bed. I needed it, but days like that are the days that I need to be carried. So that is why that song reminds me of her, and has gotten me through this.

Because, well, its still hard. And unlike other people who will have to move on, and who expect us to move on or think we will have by now.... Christ knows my heart. He knows when staying upright is the hardest task to be asked of me.


___________________________________________________________________


On a different note, things aren't always hard. When those hard days don't come we find things to be happy about, and we focus on the purity of Molly, and how she will always be ours.

One thing that makes us VERY happy is that we moved again! We found a new apartment that has a second, small but good enough, bedroom, it is pet friendly, and has an open kitchen and big living room. I'm excited.

We just got the carpets cleaned today so our furniture is stacked up on our kitchen floor, but when we put it back I'll post pictures of our new home. I love it here, hopefully we will stay for the rest of our time in Rexburg.

AND I applied to BYUI again.
The last time I went here was the summer of 2006. I did not try hard. I failed more than half of the classes I attempted and walked away with a letter saying I'm on academic probation and an embarrassing 1.7 gpa.

But I'm hoping enough time has gone by that they will accept me back. I would love to go back to school and try my hardest and get a degree I can be proud of. I want to be a nurse. I think I would love it. So keep your fingers crossed that the admissions people accept my application!

Monday, October 4, 2010

30 Day writing challenge

An amazing Baby Loss Mom recently started doing a 30 day writing challenge. I agreed with her that it will be nice to have something tell me what to write that may or may not spark emotions that I would not have brought out on my own, both happy and sad. I think this will be healthy...here's the list. I'll start with number one today. Go here to see her blog.

Day 1 - a song that reminds you of your child, or one that you can't listen to anymore and why.
Day 2 - a movie that helped you get through the hard times, or one that jumps out at you after your loss.
Day 3 - a television program that helped you either get through hard times or that moves you.
Day 4 - your favorite book. has it changed since your loss?
Day 5 - your favorite quote.
Day 6 - twenty things that calm you.
Day 7 - a photo that makes you happy.
Day 8 - a photo that makes you angry/sad.
Day 9 - a photo you took since your loss.
Day 10 - a photo taken over 10 years ago of you and how it makes you feel seeing it now.
Day 11 - a photo of you recently and how it makes you feel seeing it now.
Day 12 - something you are OCD about.
Day 13 - a fictional book that is meaningful to you since your loss.
Day 14 - a non-fictional book that is meaningful to you since your loss.
Day 15 - what you like about your house.
Day 16 - a song that makes you cry (or nearly).
Day 17 - an art piece (drawing, sculpture, painting, etc) that moves you.
Day 18 - my wedding/future wedding/past wedding.
Day 19 - a talent of yours.
Day 20 - a hobby of yours and how it changed since your loss.
Day 21 - a recipe.
Day 22 - a website that has been meaningful since your loss.
Day 23 - a youtube video that makes you laugh.
Day 24 - where you live
Day 25 - your day, in great detail
Day 26 - your week, in great detail
Day 27 - your worst habit since your child's death.
Day 28 - what's in your handbag/purse
Day 29 - hopes, dreams, and plans for the next 365 days
Day 30 - a dream for the future

We'll see how it goes. I dont see how some of them will be very interesting like "where do you live" but I'll do my best!