Friday, October 29, 2010

Day 12: Something I am OCD about

I have never been and probably never will be consistant at anything in my life, especially not enought to call myself "OCD".

Growing up we didn't really have a set routine for anything. I wake up at different times every day. I eat different foods, different amounts for every meal. I wear different clothing, and have never, even as a kid, had a need to have the PERFECT outfit. I have never consistantly needed to talk to one person every day (Until I got married...) Sometimes I did my homework, sometimes I didn't. I have gone through stretches of being unusually clean, and others where I am unusually messy. My family sometimes had family home evening, and other weeks we forgot. I took some sports, but never for more than a couple years. Sometimes I wear jewelry, sometimes I dont. Sometimes I really care about doing my hair, others I dont. I am pretty textbook "easy-going".

However, if I have to pick something to be "ocd" about.. I guess I MIGHT obsess over NEEDING change. When I got bored with my first school, I got excited to change schools. I have always craved meeting new people. I get excited trying to change my wardrobe, or the way my furniture is arranged, or my hair color. I have moved 8 times in 5 years, and I'm still not sick of it. I LOVE a clean slate. I love looking for new places to move to and new jobs to have. I love looking for new music to listen to, and new shows to watch.

Of course I have the things that I have always enjoyed and will always enjoy, like grilled cheese, The Office, Modern Family, Holidays, Children, Family etc.. but I dont really eat or watch or do anything "no matter what!" and never have. It's just not me. If something doesn't go the way it always has, or the way I wish it would have, I pretty much just get over it, move on, or decide I liked the way it worked out just fine. I'm more of a big picture person. If something isn't going to keep someone in my family or a loved one from being happy or from going to heaven, than I dont really worry about it.

Since Molly passed away and we came home from the hospital without her, I was hit with the shocking truth that life was now the same. I felt like a new person, and I had expected to be a stay-home mom from here on out if possible. We had expectations of the most exciting change I could ever imagine...but then she was gone. It was back to the same old job, the same apartment, the same everything. So this is when I have been most OCD about change in my life. I have clung to my need to change things more than I used to.

In the past three months I have attempted to sell all our furniture, make plans for new furnture, moved to a new apartment, redone a dresser, picked wall paint, changed my hair color, got a new table, changed the department where I work at the hotel, got a dog, tried to get a gym membership, tried to plan trips we will never be able to afford, changed how I eat...I have tried to change EVERYTHING.

Moving was good. Getting to a new place where we were contstantly reminded of how lonely it was coming home without Molly was necessary for us. Getting Moose was...well.... dumb. But it's been fun, and we love him (most of the time) He sure is cute, and its nice to take care of something.

Lucas doesn't enjoy change. He likes to feel settled. He likes the idea of getting a job with a company and staying there, and getting really really good at it. The idea of buying a house and not moving for years and years and years. He is fine with leaving the furniture and the decorations just how they are for as long as we live here, which for him, could be forever. We are SO different, sometime he wonders why I feel the need to change things so much. Its not that I'm not happy or grateful for the things that I's just that since I was young I have found excitement in the way things feel when they can be changed. They way life has limitless options for almost everything.

So if that is something that qualifies, than I guess the need for change is what makes me OCD.

By the way, sorry it's taking me so long to blog. I'm horribly sleep deprived and mostly just sit and stare, work, sleep, or take Moose outside. I'm not very productive, so as soon as I get some good sleep catch up and get some motivation I'll be more consistant with blogging. Just more proof that I can't really do any one thing every single day. (Except go to work- I'm responsible as an employee, but that is forced routine. I would love to work when and where and however i want to. Dreaming is okay, right?)

I've been feeling more sad than usual lately. I lost it the other day when I was looking at picture of Molly. I am feeling pretty Blah because I am clinging to the life that we never got to raise. People keep giving me "tips" for how to move-on. And ways to healthily stay happy. I appreciate them wanting to cheer me up, and missing the old peppy me. but....

When Molly died people said "It's going to be hard for a long time" "take as long as you need to grieve" "You lost your daughter, you are allowed to be sad as long as you want"

Turns out that very few people meant that. Those same people seem to be getting sick of me still caring. They aren't rude or anything, but comments like "you need to find something else to think about" or "You need to get out more" sometimes hit me as insensitive. I'm still sad. Not all the time, not everyday. But I dont think it's rediculous that when I am sad that it is OKAY. Its only been 3 months, so people should be able to just LET ME GREIVE. On the days when I cry or I disappear...dont say "You need a distraction. You need to get out. You need to do just dont seem happy" Just accept that I feel sad that day. I need that day. I want that day. You can wait patiently for a day when I am happy.

I'm happy today. That was yesterday's frustration coming out. :P

I'll post a picture of the dresser I worked on yesterday and will finish today as soon as I finish it. :)


Stephanie said...

I still find myself feeling sad for your loss; Of course You have EVERY right to feel sad some days. Grieving can take a lifetime and there isn't anything wrong with it. I know I'm not around you and spending lots of time with you or anything but I'm pretty sure you are doing an amazing job with your life. You have continued to live your life but the truth is it will never be quite the same. You have a puppy and a husband and a job and starting school and projects! You have lots to keep yourself busy, don't feel guilty when you need to take that time to not be busy and think about the things the way you wanted them. You're doing things in a very healthy way and showing amazing strength! Keep it up; and change it up all you want!!

Stacy said...

I think you are right to keep grieving. As long as you need - really. I know sometimes it's nice to have a distraction - but sometimes just crying really is best. Hugs to you. I think you're an amazing person.