Thursday, October 21, 2010

Oops

I'm going to go ahead and say the 30 day writing challenge doesn't have to be 30 consecutive days :) I needed a blog world break. I added some songs that are not really about losing a child, but yesterday all of them made me cry thinking of her. (Not the kind of cry I wish never happened, but the kind of cry that makes me feel like she's here) So you should listen up. I added a player that doesn't play the music automatically because some people HATE music on blogs so now you have the option :)

Day 11- A photo taken recently.



This is me holding my nephew, Hank. I look weird in it, but it makes me happy because at that moment I was happy to hold him. I was happy for HIM. I was able to love him and not be upset he wasn't Molly. Tears came later when holding him. Feeling a newborn in my arms so shortly after losing Molly was horrible and beautiful at once. But I like this photo because that smile was real. I think that's a big step.

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I've been feeling odd lately. Lucas and I have both recently swung back into hard days of grieving. He feels quick to anger (His anger is mostly just being quiet- he's too nice to yell or be mean to anyone). I feel quick to tears. We just miss Molly. Its a weird point now where people have moved on, and we have not.

Everyone else seems to be pregnant. I both want to be pregnant again, and am so terrified of it that I am glad for now my body is just mine. For now.

We had an interview with our Bishop in our new ward at church because he wanted to meet all the new couples in the ward. He asked me about Lucas and our goals and our testimonies and our life. Naturally Molly came up. Usually I mention it and sit there, numb. But this time I began to cry instantly and so did he. We sat in his office both crying. It was good, and I needed to cry to someone. Maybe I felt okay there because I could feel the spirit and I didn't know him. It was good. I love the church.

Lucas' parents are coming into town tomorrow. I'm excited. It will be nice to have family around. Lucas' mom has been a HUGE help with Molly's memory book and I'm sure she will be helping out with it some. We are planning on going to the haunted straw maze with them. (It's SO SCARY! We went last year and I laugh-cried and fell on the ground while running from a guy on stilts in a huge long trench coat. It was cool.

Recently my friend Carrie asked me to sign up for a package exchange. You get the name and a survey of someone else who signed up and spend around 10 ish dollars putting together a package for them. I had never done this before, and have been so distracted with Moose and work that I have been feeling super un-creative. I had no clue what to do. I had my friend Carrie. I went to the store and was in a weird mood and got her anything that made me laugh and some other things that made me say..she'd like that. 10 dollars isn't much.

Then I took her package in and got mine. Mine was SO thoughtful! She got me a picture of Jesus holding an infant. She wrote me a loving and thoughtful letter. And she gave me a halloween craft idea and cute halloween decoration. Made me feel sorry for Carry because I did such a horrible job! My package skills are pretty beginner. But I do want to say thank you to Stacy, who made my package, for putting so much thought into it. I was very touched by your letter and thoughtfulness. :)

I am going to re-color my hair. I have to do it with either box color or go to the hair college because we have no $$$, but that's okay. I have to do it. Do you know why? Here is why my resolve went from "might" to "must"

Conversation with Lucas:
me: "How do you feel about me going to color my hair brown at the hair school?"
him: "If you need to. Your hair is already brown, though"
me: "it WAS brown. Now it has faded to a horrible orange color and my roots are the only brown part"
him: "Perfect for Halloween."
me: "You think my hair is halloweeny? Now I'm definitely coloring it."
him: "hahaha"

My Halloweeny hair has got to go! :)

2 comments:

MaShay & Jason said...

Okay okay. I will be patient for posts. :) I think what you meant to say is "I look great and Hank is making a weird face." I just dyed mine myself....well Ceci did it and then I did the touch up. I am happy with the results. Good luck!

Stacy Robbins said...

I'm so glad you got your package Amber. I was hoping I wasn't too forward. We are so glad to have you in our package group! We are always needing more people to do it with us. It gave me a great opportunity to know more about you.