I already posted the song that reminds me of Molly. Here it is with a little video.
I think it's pretty clear why this reminds me of her. It is an amazing song and it basically explains how I survive being here without her. Its lyrics are perfect for the feelings of being alone and having nobody who could understand exactly how I feel. It explains about the days that I walk around in sadness, only getting through because of Jesus Christ. His atonement is what gets me through and what carries me through the days that hurt. Like yesterday.
For about a week I have been more sad than usual. I cry very easily at the mention of Molly and looking at pictures comes with the feeling of being punched in the gut. I miss her so much. The backseat of the car is empty, and without a carseat it looks all wrong. We put the carseat in and drove it around empty for weeks. The second bedroom of our apartment holds a desk and her armoir...an armoir that now holds the makings of a memory book instead of her clothes. Yesterday a man we work with came to work and spent all day talking about the wonderful delivery of his first grandchild. A perfect and healthy little girl. I am of course very excited for him, and its cute to see how he is such a proud grandpa, but it makes me sad to think that MY dad didn't get his moment to show off his granddaughter. I was too sensitive the entire day and think I cried about 5 times. I never all out bawled, but i would just cry. Standing at work behind the counter. Talking to a friend. In the car. On the phone. In bed. I needed it, but days like that are the days that I need to be carried. So that is why that song reminds me of her, and has gotten me through this.
Because, well, its still hard. And unlike other people who will have to move on, and who expect us to move on or think we will have by now.... Christ knows my heart. He knows when staying upright is the hardest task to be asked of me.
On a different note, things aren't always hard. When those hard days don't come we find things to be happy about, and we focus on the purity of Molly, and how she will always be ours.
One thing that makes us VERY happy is that we moved again! We found a new apartment that has a second, small but good enough, bedroom, it is pet friendly, and has an open kitchen and big living room. I'm excited.
We just got the carpets cleaned today so our furniture is stacked up on our kitchen floor, but when we put it back I'll post pictures of our new home. I love it here, hopefully we will stay for the rest of our time in Rexburg.
AND I applied to BYUI again.
The last time I went here was the summer of 2006. I did not try hard. I failed more than half of the classes I attempted and walked away with a letter saying I'm on academic probation and an embarrassing 1.7 gpa.
But I'm hoping enough time has gone by that they will accept me back. I would love to go back to school and try my hardest and get a degree I can be proud of. I want to be a nurse. I think I would love it. So keep your fingers crossed that the admissions people accept my application!