Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Tears at work

I serve breakfast at the hotel where I work two mornings a week. I love it, which surprised me. I have to get up at four thirty and then get to work and make eggs and sausage and set out bagels and muffins and waffle mix and toppings and fruit and all sorts of stuff. It keeps my mind and my hands busy. I also like the break from being at the front desk where it can be pretty...dull.
This is where i usually work...way back there behind desk

Here's the breakfast section of our super trendy hotel..

I think today was "regulars" day at the hotel. While I served breakfast about 4 guests I saw I recognized from before I had Molly. One of them already knows we lost her, and I saw him first. He is always kind to me, and even got us a sympathy card. He told me it was good to see me, and it made me feel good but his the sensitivity in his voice brings Molly to mind, but I dont mind that. However, a few minutes later another regular sees me and says "Hey didn't you just have a baby?!" I nod and then explain to him quickly about Molly. His wife just had a baby too. We were going to exchange congratulations, instead we traded a congrats for an "I'm sorry". By now the tears are preparing their exit. But I held them back and kept up my cheery fake employee pep. Another guest saw me and smiled, I know he recognized me and could tell by the glances at my belly he was wondering if I had my baby yet. He didn't say anything though so I just smiled.

Then at last when I think I've cleared all the obstacles and I can hide in the kitchen, I'm on my way to go in back and do dishes and a man I haven't seen in about three months sees me and happily and semi loudly says "Hey! How's the baby?!" I kinda sighed and said "oh, she um, passed away actually. Two months ago." This poor guy looks like he just realized he drove through me with a sword. He immediately walks over to me, and I can tell if he knew me he would have offered me a hug but instead he just stood really close. He looked so sad and sorry and very sweetly said "Oh I'm so sorry! I am...I'm so, so sorry" and he stayed there clearly wanting some explanation and reassurance to make the potential awkwardness of bringing it up disappear with a heartfelt conversation. So I quickly explained about Molly. And he said just the right thing when my eyes welled up with tears and my chin started quivering. He just said "You still have her. You'll always have her" Thank you! Its nice to hear that over the usual dead silence or "You could always more kids"

Anyway I broke. I went back into the kitchen and cried it out for a few minutes. I didn't want to go back out while he was eating and let him see I had snapped, it would just make him feel worse. So I stood behind the dry goods shelf and remembered my baby.

A few hours ago my visiting teachers arrived and gave me a spiritual lesson on nurturing. They had prepared before and focused on nurturing women to women rather than mother to baby. It was kind of them, but immediately the tears were just a split second away. Had they said her name I think I'd have lost it again. But I made it through, and now my face feels swollen, like my emotions are stuck just under the surface and I just need one word and it will all come bursting out.

I'd be lying if I didn't say it felt good to feel her so close to the surface. It's kind of nice be so sensitive to how much I miss her. I dont like making people feel bad for making me cry, but I wish I could tell them I dont mind crying. I should thank them for allowing me a moment to let it out.

Sunday, September 26, 2010


Today at church I was sitting in front and to the left of a friend of mine. We dont know eachother very well, but we talk every now and then at church. During one of the songs I looked around and made brief eye contact with her. I smiled but for some reason it was only the side of my face she could see, and then it was like I got nervous and tried to pull it back. I don't know if she noticed or not but I quietly laughed afterwards because I realize she probably saw this awkward face

or maybe even this...

I mean seriously, what is that?!

I showed Lucas my horrible "smile" that I shared with that poor girl and he laughed so hard during the meeting and wanted to take pictures of it. Of course. :P

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Lovely BLog Award

Thanks to Angela at Little Bird for my very first blog award! I had seen these on other peoples blogs and thought "I'm not enough of an avid blogger to earn one of those. And out of nowhere I recieve one from Angela and I'm very flattered :) You should go to her blog and read about her beautiful Charlotte.

Here are the rules of the Lovely Blog Award:

1. Accept the award and post it on your blog with the name of the person who has granted the award and his/her blog link.
2. Pay it forward to 10 other bloggers that you have recently discovered.
3. Contact those blog owners and let them know they have been chosen.

This task will be a bit harder, but here are the 10 I nominated:

1. Katie at Three Little Birds
2. Carrie at Seeker of Happiness
3. Jana at Joe and Jana
4. Valentina's Mommy at Valentina in the sky
5. Stephen's Mommy at Think:Bowmans
6: Nicole at Coco's Thoughts
7: Jenn at The Only Childs
8: MaShay at The Hermann's (Sorry she's gone private but I love her)
9:Ceci at Ceci and Steven (sorry she's gone private but I love her too!)
10: Stacey at Nielsen's Nostalgia

Whoa! That took a while!

Dream Journal Blog

For years I recorded my dreams when I remembered them. I laugh my head off when I go back and read them, and tonight I decided to go back to recording my dreams. Lucas and I talk about our dreams all the time, but then we forget them and I think it would be great to keep a second journal.

I linked to all the dreams from my past dream journal so you can read them if you want (dont judge me!) and if you want keep coming back for more I'll update whenever I get the chance!


Thursday, September 23, 2010

For Molly

Precious, tiny, sweet little one
You will always be to me
so perfect, pure and innocent
Just as you were meant to be

We dreamed of you
and your life
And all that it would be
We waited and
longed for you to come
And join our family

But now you're gone...
but yet you're here
We'll sense you everywhere
You are our sorrow and our joy
There's love in every tear.

Just know our love
goes deep and strong
We'll forget you never-
The child we had, but never had,
And yet will have forever.


Found this poem on the blog of another Baby Loss Mother, and it is perfect for how I feel today.

Also, I think today is a good day to declare RANDOM ACT OF KINDNESS DAY! Opportunities are everywhere to lend a helping hand :)

Have a great one!

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Mob Mentality

This morning at work Lucas told me about a story that has been on the news the last couple days involving two 13 year old girls who were fighting over a pair of shorts. One of the girls was not just yelling and slapping the other, but brutally beating her with repeated blows to the face and yanking on her hair. It was horrendous and I later saw the video online and immediately wanted to cry. But it wasn't AS MUCH about the more brutal of the girls losing control, but because of the people that fed her brutality. The parents and grandparents of the girl as well as other children surrounding the backyard brawl are CHEERING HER ON. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?!?! They are yelling words of encouragement to beat the girl! To hit her, to get back in the fight! They make her feel PROUD of how much she can hurt another child.

Over shorts.

Frankly, I don't care what she did.

The mindset of these adults who are encouraging this evil mob mentality in children makes me want to vomit. I feel so sick and disturbed hearing about this horrible parenting. What are their girls going to grow up learning? What are they learning. They are receiving praise for harming others. For losing control and lashing out maliciously to those who offend you.

They are arming the future wrong-doers with a false reality. Making them believe that this is not as horrible as it really is. Creating in them an understanding that what we put others through is inconsequential, and what really matters is that we come out of every fight victorious. That we do whatever it takes, no matter what the cost to others, or to our integrity, our honor, our COMPASSION, to be the one with the power, and "the bigger stick".

What has surprised me more, is to see people I know have compassion tell me that they don't believe this behavior to be wrong. That if their children got into a fight, they would also cheer them on as they fought back. Excuse me? Cheer them on?

You wouldn't want to teach your children to turn the other cheek? As JESUS teaches us? You wouldnt want to step in and teach your children to rise above the temptation to fall victim to anger and pride? To have compassion on our enemies? You wouldn't want YOUR child to be the one to refuse to fight back or to step away from the fight and find a way to resolve an issue with honor? Why not? Because its less entertaining? Because for some reason people like watching people get hurt.
This is something I will never understand.

Tonight we watched the first episode of the JOHN ADAMS film. It is amazing. But it shows again the horrible thing that happens to people when they are encouraged to give in to hatred. It showed of the tarring and feathering of men who were not innocent, but still did not deserve a punishment at the hands of a mob out of control. It boggled me yet again to see what people can do, what HORRIBLE EVIL things people can ENJOY doing, all because they have the applause of a group of bloodthirsty people.

This world is a scary one, and today has been one of those days where I realize that Molly has been given a blessing bigger than anything I could have given her at this time. The blessing of being raised in a world where minds and hearts will be turned towards the things that matter. Towards each other, and towards the Lord. She is so lucky, and I am so Lucky to be there with her.

Sunday, September 12, 2010


I went to all 3 hours of church today for the first time since we lost Molly. It seems that every third person is holding a little baby girl, and I'm not sure when it happened. In class there was one baby girl on my left, two to my right, and one in front of me. To the right of her was a newborn baby boy. I just stared straight ahead and tried to listen to the lesson. I was able to handle it better than I thought I would. It was harder seeing lots of babies when it was more fresh, but now I find comfort in knowing that I still want a sibling for Molly as soon as is safe, and I dont want any of those babies around me. I dont want their children, I want mine. I only got sad one time when the little girl to the right of me used my leg to stand up and she just stared at me. It was like she knew and she sat back down and crawled away.

I understand how some women who lose their children can get bitter when looking at others who have babies. But I am so happy to know that I have been blessed to be able to handle it. I still feel a love for the mothers of those children, happy that their babies are healthy and happy. I am jealous but only because I desire that same thing now more strongly than ever before. However the miracle of their situation is not minimized by my trials.

I am in a weird place right now of wanting to be pregnant again, and wanting to cling to this time, where Molly is the only child we think about. But she is in the same place as our future children, so I'm starting to see that there is nothing wrong with thinking of all of them, as I will once I have met them all.

Oh! I have been sticking to my new diet pretty well! I have only cheated a handful of times and only with a tiny bite, never a whole meal. I eat my cereal with soy or almond milk, and I have eaten TONS of vegetables.

I actually made up a recipe for chicken lettuce wraps (like the kind at P.F. Changs) and it was delicious! Made me feel like I knew what I was doing! :) Getting healthy!

Thursday, September 9, 2010

You're just too desirable.

Dear vehicle,

I apologize for keeping you clean and making you so sparkly and attractive. I was doing it to impress my husband, as he likes you beautiful inside and out. Unfortunately, it seems other drivers can't get enough of you, either! This was a problem I had not seen coming. Remember how we went to the library and I parked you right where you should be, in between the lines? Then I left for a minute and when I returned you were practically cuddling with another car? Oh, you are such a flirt! Why are you so desirable? I had to wedge myself between the cars to get in my door to take you home. You little rascal.


Dear library go-er/ owner of my ride's fling,

Watch it.



It doesn't feel real today.
Lucas and I spent the morning sleeping in and then cuddling and watching more Chuck. But then he went to work and I cleaned the apartment, changed clothes, thought about showering but decided against it (Haha), spent a couple hours with my online job and then checked my blog. I saw her name....Molly.

Molly. She was real. She was here.

As time goes past some days it is so painful my arms and my heart literally ache for her. But today I feel like I've pretended my way into not being able to feel it. I am sitting now in our apartment, waiting for my husband, wondering what to eat for dinner, thinking of our Christmas plans. Its where I would have been if she never came. Its weird and hard to be forced back here, to a place in life I thought I had moved on from. Its weird to feel the love in our family grow, and to welcome a new member to it, and then to have our day to day lives remain the same.

I am so glad we have pictures of her. I can look at her picture and it brings me back to that day, back to when she was in my arms breathing on her own. It makes it real again. Sometimes I read her story over again to remember the feelings.

I feel guilty for days like this, when it seems like one long horrible dream. I feel guilty that I have to pinch myself and say She was here. You have a daughter. Is it weird to want to be curled over crying, barely able to breath all the time? Its refreshing to cry, refreshing to let out the feelings I hide every day. I'm not ready to be okay yet. But when I try to cry sometimes tears don't come. I just look at her pictures and my heart hurts, but my eyes refuse. They are on a crying strike and I hate it. I want to REALLY feel her all the time. The day to day pretending, and same old routines are making it hard to remember the feelings she gave me, the spirit she got, and how it felt to have our now empty family feel whole.

I miss her.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Hibernation is over

For the last 6 and a half weeks I have been hibernating.

Outside it is a strange world where I have no control. When I step outside I feel as though I have tattooed a sign that says "My Baby Died" on my forehead. I get anxiety from going to the store. If I see someone who may have known I lost Molly I start sweating like crazy and have even had to go to the car to wait it out. It sounds crazy that I could be so introverted, especially if you know me well, but its hard for me to want that kind of attention.

I have been healing from surgeries and emotional trauma so I have had more than enough excuses to stay home in my sweat pants, only going outside to get the mail some days. Okay, it's really not as drastic as it sounds. I get dressed almost every day and I shower everyday. I see my friends, and am able to talk freely with all my visitors. I am not by any means locking myself in my bathroom for 15 hours a day...I get out. But, I guess I have been emotionally hiding out, and that has turned me into a bit of a hermit. I have no DESIRE to go out and see anything or anyone.

The other day our neighbors were moving in and I watched them out the window for a minute. Lucas said "You should go help them move in" and I immediately felt my heart rate go up and was nervous at the idea of talking to someone who might want a background on who I am. They might say upon introductions, "Do you have any kids?" And I would have to fight off the urge to run away, again. I kind of laughed that my anxiety has now spread to meeting new friends instead of just being around people who knew I was expecting a baby. Lucas told me that he thinks I need to get out more and socialize because its not healthy how I have to pep talk myself into any kind of social interaction.

So I've decided to start letting myself be me again. I can't "fake it" anymore. I can't pretend to want to smile and be around people. So I am going to make myself REALLY smile, and REALLY want to be around people again. I am going to confront this head on- starting with my job at the hotel and my friends.

I started work on Saturday. I am doing breakfast and front desk, so sometimes I'll be able to hide in the kitchen, but others I will be forced to be out and show my face and be human again. It is good to be back at work, and not as hard as I imagined. I still don't desire being talked to, but its not bad at all when it happens. Sometimes I even feel like myself, like I want to stand there and talk some more.

I have also started running again. Not much, I'm super out of shape, but I have missed running. It feels healthy and its great thinking time, plus its out of the house which is now my daily goal. (sad)

So basically, all I'm saying is, I'm still me.
Slowly but surely you will begin to see that I have survived this. I am proud of how Lucas and I have handled this. I am well aware that there will be a hole in our hearts that can not be filled, but even though we got knocked down and trampled on we have been able to get back up, and slowly we are walking again. We'll always feel the hole in our lives, but what is important is that we can both feel her, and love her, and miss her while also being ourselves and being a part of this lovely world.

So watch out world, I might just leave the house, and if your lucky I might just be the one to start a conversation.

This really deserves it's own blog, but I'm going to just put it here because I think it's weird to blog twice in a day (I've done it)
After getting my gallbladder removed I have been on a super healthy diet, it has been really fun and hard. I know that you might know someone who had their gallbladder out and they eat everything and they are doing fine, but for me I choose not to risk it. I was told a whole bunch of things that I can eat but that will make me have....uh...digestion...issues. So in order to avoid that horrible situation my whole life I have become nearly vegan. but not really.

Here is what I can't eat:
No dairy- eggs, cheese milk, yogurt etc
No red or fatty meats
No nuts, peanut butter
No fried foods
No High Fructose
No Carbonation
No salad dressings
No chocolate.

Bring on the veggies!

Also,I have started working for my brother, Jason. He's really cool and its nice to have another job. I'm way excited even though I'm just training now and I'm a little overwhelmed, but its going to be good once I get the swing of things.

Also, Lucas surprised me today and bought Chuck: Season 3. YAY! It just came out today so we watched three episodes together. It was amazing.

Also, I want an ipad.