It doesn't feel real today.
Lucas and I spent the morning sleeping in and then cuddling and watching more Chuck. But then he went to work and I cleaned the apartment, changed clothes, thought about showering but decided against it (Haha), spent a couple hours with my online job and then checked my blog. I saw her name....Molly.
Molly. She was real. She was here.
As time goes past some days it is so painful my arms and my heart literally ache for her. But today I feel like I've pretended my way into not being able to feel it. I am sitting now in our apartment, waiting for my husband, wondering what to eat for dinner, thinking of our Christmas plans. Its where I would have been if she never came. Its weird and hard to be forced back here, to a place in life I thought I had moved on from. Its weird to feel the love in our family grow, and to welcome a new member to it, and then to have our day to day lives remain the same.
I am so glad we have pictures of her. I can look at her picture and it brings me back to that day, back to when she was in my arms breathing on her own. It makes it real again. Sometimes I read her story over again to remember the feelings.
I feel guilty for days like this, when it seems like one long horrible dream. I feel guilty that I have to pinch myself and say She was here. You have a daughter. Is it weird to want to be curled over crying, barely able to breath all the time? Its refreshing to cry, refreshing to let out the feelings I hide every day. I'm not ready to be okay yet. But when I try to cry sometimes tears don't come. I just look at her pictures and my heart hurts, but my eyes refuse. They are on a crying strike and I hate it. I want to REALLY feel her all the time. The day to day pretending, and same old routines are making it hard to remember the feelings she gave me, the spirit she got, and how it felt to have our now empty family feel whole.
I miss her.