Thursday, September 9, 2010

Strange

It doesn't feel real today.
Lucas and I spent the morning sleeping in and then cuddling and watching more Chuck. But then he went to work and I cleaned the apartment, changed clothes, thought about showering but decided against it (Haha), spent a couple hours with my online job and then checked my blog. I saw her name....Molly.

Molly. She was real. She was here.

As time goes past some days it is so painful my arms and my heart literally ache for her. But today I feel like I've pretended my way into not being able to feel it. I am sitting now in our apartment, waiting for my husband, wondering what to eat for dinner, thinking of our Christmas plans. Its where I would have been if she never came. Its weird and hard to be forced back here, to a place in life I thought I had moved on from. Its weird to feel the love in our family grow, and to welcome a new member to it, and then to have our day to day lives remain the same.

I am so glad we have pictures of her. I can look at her picture and it brings me back to that day, back to when she was in my arms breathing on her own. It makes it real again. Sometimes I read her story over again to remember the feelings.

I feel guilty for days like this, when it seems like one long horrible dream. I feel guilty that I have to pinch myself and say She was here. You have a daughter. Is it weird to want to be curled over crying, barely able to breath all the time? Its refreshing to cry, refreshing to let out the feelings I hide every day. I'm not ready to be okay yet. But when I try to cry sometimes tears don't come. I just look at her pictures and my heart hurts, but my eyes refuse. They are on a crying strike and I hate it. I want to REALLY feel her all the time. The day to day pretending, and same old routines are making it hard to remember the feelings she gave me, the spirit she got, and how it felt to have our now empty family feel whole.

I miss her.

4 comments:

T said...

Hi Amber. I'm new to your blog and found it through faces of loss. I lost my son Liam in April and I was 23 weeks into my pregnancy. I just wanted to share with you that I've felt and still feel exactly what you wrote about. I want to feel Liam everyday and, for me, during moments or times when I don't "feel" him (if you know what I mean) I hate it and am worried that I'm forgetting him. A wise person told me that my deep deep grief just can't continue on forever because my human body wouldn't make it. Basically she is saying that my body has to cope and I will move forward whether I want to or not. It truly breaks my heart because there are plenty of times that I want to completely lose it because my heart aches for him and I feel like losing it will be evidence of the magnitude of my love and my want for him.

Anyway, whether I want to or not, I have moments like you are expressing, where I feel like someone who might be watching me might just see me as "normal" because technically I'm acting "normal." And it still hurts so much. I don't know how to effectively conclude my comment but you aren't alone in your ache. I hope that you find comfort today. Take care.

Andrea said...

I found your blog through faces of loss too. I just wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss. Molly is beautiful! I just lost my son in May at 19 weeks and it has been a difficult journey. It is a hard transition to go back to 'normal,' there will never be the same normal again. There are so many great women out there for support who have been through the same pain. I know they have helped me. Thank you for sharing your story.

Also I grew up in Boise! Saw you are in Idaho. I also just had my gallbladder out last October after horrible gallstone attacks when I was pregnant with my daughter last year. It has made a world of difference! No more painful attacks. I hope your recovery is going well.

Ruskan*Kami*Ryker said...

Amber, I live in St George, UT and someone sar your blog. I can't remember who at the moment. But I would love to talk to you sometime. I lost my little girl at 37 1/2 weeks. I had her on memorial day this year. I have FB or my email address is kami_ruskan@yahoo.com. I would LOVE to talk to you! I just read your chuch post and it's how I have felt before!!

Anonymous said...

I was going to sugges that you check out this Mother's blog when you get the chance- http://thisandthataboutthebowmans.blogspot.com/
You might have a lot in comman.