Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Tears at work

I serve breakfast at the hotel where I work two mornings a week. I love it, which surprised me. I have to get up at four thirty and then get to work and make eggs and sausage and set out bagels and muffins and waffle mix and toppings and fruit and all sorts of stuff. It keeps my mind and my hands busy. I also like the break from being at the front desk where it can be pretty...dull.
This is where i usually work...way back there behind desk

Here's the breakfast section of our super trendy hotel..

I think today was "regulars" day at the hotel. While I served breakfast about 4 guests I saw I recognized from before I had Molly. One of them already knows we lost her, and I saw him first. He is always kind to me, and even got us a sympathy card. He told me it was good to see me, and it made me feel good but his the sensitivity in his voice brings Molly to mind, but I dont mind that. However, a few minutes later another regular sees me and says "Hey didn't you just have a baby?!" I nod and then explain to him quickly about Molly. His wife just had a baby too. We were going to exchange congratulations, instead we traded a congrats for an "I'm sorry". By now the tears are preparing their exit. But I held them back and kept up my cheery fake employee pep. Another guest saw me and smiled, I know he recognized me and could tell by the glances at my belly he was wondering if I had my baby yet. He didn't say anything though so I just smiled.

Then at last when I think I've cleared all the obstacles and I can hide in the kitchen, I'm on my way to go in back and do dishes and a man I haven't seen in about three months sees me and happily and semi loudly says "Hey! How's the baby?!" I kinda sighed and said "oh, she um, passed away actually. Two months ago." This poor guy looks like he just realized he drove through me with a sword. He immediately walks over to me, and I can tell if he knew me he would have offered me a hug but instead he just stood really close. He looked so sad and sorry and very sweetly said "Oh I'm so sorry! I am...I'm so, so sorry" and he stayed there clearly wanting some explanation and reassurance to make the potential awkwardness of bringing it up disappear with a heartfelt conversation. So I quickly explained about Molly. And he said just the right thing when my eyes welled up with tears and my chin started quivering. He just said "You still have her. You'll always have her" Thank you! Its nice to hear that over the usual dead silence or "You could always more kids"

Anyway I broke. I went back into the kitchen and cried it out for a few minutes. I didn't want to go back out while he was eating and let him see I had snapped, it would just make him feel worse. So I stood behind the dry goods shelf and remembered my baby.

A few hours ago my visiting teachers arrived and gave me a spiritual lesson on nurturing. They had prepared before and focused on nurturing women to women rather than mother to baby. It was kind of them, but immediately the tears were just a split second away. Had they said her name I think I'd have lost it again. But I made it through, and now my face feels swollen, like my emotions are stuck just under the surface and I just need one word and it will all come bursting out.

I'd be lying if I didn't say it felt good to feel her so close to the surface. It's kind of nice be so sensitive to how much I miss her. I dont like making people feel bad for making me cry, but I wish I could tell them I dont mind crying. I should thank them for allowing me a moment to let it out.


Carrie Lynn said...

I like this post because it gives me hope in humanity. So often we hear about all the "wrong things" people say, but this, Amber is a gift to all of us to remember that we're not all bad and insensitive. There ARE people out there that can follow the spirit and give you the comfort you need.
I'm grateful for them. And I'm grateful for you.

Katie said...

Big, huge, enormous hugs.

I'm glad you share these stories on your blog.

Anonymous said...

Oh Amber. I am in tears. I am so glad that man was so nice to you. I'm also so glad you got the chance to talk about her and cry... I always secretly enjoy a good cry in a way because I can just collapse and live in that moment instead of tuck it away.

Carrie Lynn said...

Also, I gave you a blog award :)