Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Hibernation is over

For the last 6 and a half weeks I have been hibernating.

Outside it is a strange world where I have no control. When I step outside I feel as though I have tattooed a sign that says "My Baby Died" on my forehead. I get anxiety from going to the store. If I see someone who may have known I lost Molly I start sweating like crazy and have even had to go to the car to wait it out. It sounds crazy that I could be so introverted, especially if you know me well, but its hard for me to want that kind of attention.

I have been healing from surgeries and emotional trauma so I have had more than enough excuses to stay home in my sweat pants, only going outside to get the mail some days. Okay, it's really not as drastic as it sounds. I get dressed almost every day and I shower everyday. I see my friends, and am able to talk freely with all my visitors. I am not by any means locking myself in my bathroom for 15 hours a day...I get out. But, I guess I have been emotionally hiding out, and that has turned me into a bit of a hermit. I have no DESIRE to go out and see anything or anyone.

The other day our neighbors were moving in and I watched them out the window for a minute. Lucas said "You should go help them move in" and I immediately felt my heart rate go up and was nervous at the idea of talking to someone who might want a background on who I am. They might say upon introductions, "Do you have any kids?" And I would have to fight off the urge to run away, again. I kind of laughed that my anxiety has now spread to meeting new friends instead of just being around people who knew I was expecting a baby. Lucas told me that he thinks I need to get out more and socialize because its not healthy how I have to pep talk myself into any kind of social interaction.

So I've decided to start letting myself be me again. I can't "fake it" anymore. I can't pretend to want to smile and be around people. So I am going to make myself REALLY smile, and REALLY want to be around people again. I am going to confront this head on- starting with my job at the hotel and my friends.

I started work on Saturday. I am doing breakfast and front desk, so sometimes I'll be able to hide in the kitchen, but others I will be forced to be out and show my face and be human again. It is good to be back at work, and not as hard as I imagined. I still don't desire being talked to, but its not bad at all when it happens. Sometimes I even feel like myself, like I want to stand there and talk some more.

I have also started running again. Not much, I'm super out of shape, but I have missed running. It feels healthy and its great thinking time, plus its out of the house which is now my daily goal. (sad)

So basically, all I'm saying is, I'm still me.
Slowly but surely you will begin to see that I have survived this. I am proud of how Lucas and I have handled this. I am well aware that there will be a hole in our hearts that can not be filled, but even though we got knocked down and trampled on we have been able to get back up, and slowly we are walking again. We'll always feel the hole in our lives, but what is important is that we can both feel her, and love her, and miss her while also being ourselves and being a part of this lovely world.

So watch out world, I might just leave the house, and if your lucky I might just be the one to start a conversation.

This really deserves it's own blog, but I'm going to just put it here because I think it's weird to blog twice in a day (I've done it)
After getting my gallbladder removed I have been on a super healthy diet, it has been really fun and hard. I know that you might know someone who had their gallbladder out and they eat everything and they are doing fine, but for me I choose not to risk it. I was told a whole bunch of things that I can eat but that will make me have....uh...digestion...issues. So in order to avoid that horrible situation my whole life I have become nearly vegan. but not really.

Here is what I can't eat:
No dairy- eggs, cheese milk, yogurt etc
No red or fatty meats
No nuts, peanut butter
No fried foods
No High Fructose
No Carbonation
No salad dressings
No chocolate.

Bring on the veggies!

Also,I have started working for my brother, Jason. He's really cool and its nice to have another job. I'm way excited even though I'm just training now and I'm a little overwhelmed, but its going to be good once I get the swing of things.

Also, Lucas surprised me today and bought Chuck: Season 3. YAY! It just came out today so we watched three episodes together. It was amazing.

Also, I want an ipad.


Danielle Simler said...

Amber, I love you! I am vegetarian, so we can have little secret veg meetings when I see you again and no one will understand but us! woop woop!
Also, I want an ipad too :/

Anonymous said...

Dear Amber,

I came to your blog after reading your story on Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope. I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am and how much I can sympathize with the way you feel. This kind of loss is so different from anything else and I think you are reacting to it in as healthy a way as you can. I did the very same thing after we lost our son in May (who also lived for a day, Mother's day no less). I hibernated and avoided situations. I also had a classical c-section so I know how much fun the recovery from that is. Anyways, I just wanted to say I'm sorry for your loss of Molly and if you ever need to talk, I'm here. ~Emily

Annie said...

Hi Amber -

I too found your blog through Faces. I'm so sorry for your very recent loss of Molly. Cord problems are so tragic. It's a horrible way to lose a perfect baby. I've lost two babies to cord problems. My two living children also had cord/placenta issues. I don't want to terrify you, but there is research showing it can recur in the same family. I want people who lose babies to cord problems to KNOW this and DEMAND specialized care in subsequent pregnancies. My blog has been derailed by infertility, but there is a lot on there about cord problems (see especially the link to Dr. Jason Collin's website). Like you, I am Mormon. You should also see the blog "Lightning Strikes Twice" (it's linked on the blogroll on my blog). This family has also had recurrent cord problems. Interestingly, they are also Mormon.

Jenny said...

hi there, i am also here from faces of loss, faces of hope. Your daughter is beautiful. Just beautiful, I'm so sorry for your loss. You sound like you are doing, thats about all you can do. I lost my 18 month old daughter in March, Im currently working on the story for FOLFOH. I just wanted to tell you that i said a prayer for you and just how pretty your little girl is.