Sunday, September 12, 2010


I went to all 3 hours of church today for the first time since we lost Molly. It seems that every third person is holding a little baby girl, and I'm not sure when it happened. In class there was one baby girl on my left, two to my right, and one in front of me. To the right of her was a newborn baby boy. I just stared straight ahead and tried to listen to the lesson. I was able to handle it better than I thought I would. It was harder seeing lots of babies when it was more fresh, but now I find comfort in knowing that I still want a sibling for Molly as soon as is safe, and I dont want any of those babies around me. I dont want their children, I want mine. I only got sad one time when the little girl to the right of me used my leg to stand up and she just stared at me. It was like she knew and she sat back down and crawled away.

I understand how some women who lose their children can get bitter when looking at others who have babies. But I am so happy to know that I have been blessed to be able to handle it. I still feel a love for the mothers of those children, happy that their babies are healthy and happy. I am jealous but only because I desire that same thing now more strongly than ever before. However the miracle of their situation is not minimized by my trials.

I am in a weird place right now of wanting to be pregnant again, and wanting to cling to this time, where Molly is the only child we think about. But she is in the same place as our future children, so I'm starting to see that there is nothing wrong with thinking of all of them, as I will once I have met them all.

Oh! I have been sticking to my new diet pretty well! I have only cheated a handful of times and only with a tiny bite, never a whole meal. I eat my cereal with soy or almond milk, and I have eaten TONS of vegetables.

I actually made up a recipe for chicken lettuce wraps (like the kind at P.F. Changs) and it was delicious! Made me feel like I knew what I was doing! :) Getting healthy!


Ceci and Steven said...

Amber, I'll have you know that your brother loves you very much, I read this post out loud and he kept looking away, and when I was almost done reading it, I realized he was crying. We (he) thinks the world of you. You truly are an inspiration! Love you sis!

Katie said...

I know how it feels to go to church and see the millions of babies everywhere. I had two miscarriages before Amelia and it was SO painful to go to church and see all the pretty babies. I know my miscarriages aren't comparable to your sweet Molly, but I do understand how it feels. It lasted for 2 years because it took us so long to get pregnant the 3rd time. It's weird because now that I have Amelia, I wonder if there is anyone out there who used to feel the way I did, as they look at her.

*sigh* It's hard. But you're doing great. I love ya.