Wednesday, December 12, 2012

12-12-12

 Because I like little things like repeat date days, and mileage on odometers like 55,555 I am going to post in honor of 12/12/12.

And because you never thought it possible, I will make 12 statements in 12 words. I'm pretty sure this will be the hardest blog I've ever written.

1) Today I accidentally replied "You're problem" to a customer's "Thank you". oops.

2) I am starting a company. I'm researching, planning, brainstorming, and getting excited!

3) Teaching Primary is still terrifying. Knowing nothing about music is helpful. Not.

4) I sold a coffee table because I stubbed my toe on it.

5) #Thisisthemostannoyingthingpeopledoonline #Pleasestopit

6) When I hear people whine about marriage, I am so grateful for Lucas.

7)  I'm pretty bummed we have yet to roast marshmallows in our fireplace.

8) I can't handle the sound of people chewing and swallowing their food.

9) I think the people I miss would be surprised to know it.

10) Dessert in our house right now is usually graham crackers with milk.

11) I miss keeping a dream journal. I'm going to do it again.

12) I frequently look for jobs in Hawaii, just in case. Maybe Someday.

Monday, December 10, 2012

Kellen's First Birthday

Kellen's Birthday was on November 12th. Time has slipped through my fingers. It is amazing to me how a year can pass so quickly, but at the same time feel like ages ago.


We moved to Colorado just 2 months after we lost him. I had boxed up his stuff with the intention of getting it out again just two months later. However, losing a loved one is expensive. Moving is expensive. Colorado is more expensive than we remembered.  We ended up living with Lucas' parents for 7 months. Then we unpacked at our new apartment, and when I saw the box marked "Molly and Kellen" I couldn't face it. I put Molly's memory book away, and put the box of their things on a shelf in the closet. And life got busy.  It was easier to live life than it was to go back into that box where feelings and memories were sure to be fresh. In that box is where my sorrow was packed away prematurely.

A couple weeks before his birthday, I started feeling guilty that I haven't made his memory book yet. I had Molly's finished a few months before her first birthday and I hadn't even started Kellen's. I read their stories one night after Lucas fell asleep. At first it was like I was reading someone else's story, but as I kept reading and suddenly I was back there. I was in the hospital. I remembered all the details and the pain and the peace and the fear and the love. I cried all night.

Usually, I don't cry over the babies more than once in a few months or so. I will have a hard day, and then I feel refreshed in a way. Like I faced something difficult and I feel more empowered to be strong. So when Kellen's birthday arrived so soon after a night like when I read their stories, I wasn't surprised when I was feeling less sadness than usual. I was feeling, for the most part, like celebrating. I wanted to celebrate that he ever came to our family. I wanted to celebrate the seven months I carried him. I felt happy. I opened this beautiful birthday gift one of my greatest friends gave us to honor Kellen's birthday (Isn't it perfect?!):


So it was with no trepidation, but rather a sense of celebration, that I finally pulled down the box labelled "Molly and Kellen". I opened it, sure it would be the clothing I dreamed of them wearing, the precious gifts from friends and family, and some sympathy cards. For some reason, I had completely forgotten what I ever packed in that box.

I pulled strip of moving tape off the box, Lucas in the other room. I opened the box and looked inside. There was a sweater my mother in law gave for Molly. I loved it too much to pack it away. It was Molly's sweater from the first second I saw it and so I kept it. I held it up and imagined her in it. Then I folded it and set it on the bed and looked back in the box.

And suddenly I was bawling.
One second I was smiling and feeling happy and full of love, and literally one second later I could see nothing, gigantic tears were falling down my face. I was weeping, in my hands I gently cradled the little blue robe that once held my son. It was the robe he wore when we held him. The robe he is wearing in all his pictures. Seeing and picking up that little empty robe brought with it an instant tidal wave of grief.

Lucas heard and probably felt the change and came running into the room to check on me. He saw me bawling and ran over to me, placing his arm around me. "Honey, are you okay?!" I looked at him, still bawling and held up the robe.
"I had forgotten. I didn't remember we still had this. It's his. It's Kellen's robe. I'm so glad we still have it. But I didn't expect to see it in here. I just, I wasn't prepared" He hugged me and kissed my cheek. I calmed down a little and we kept going though the box.

Inside we found Kellen's tiny ankle bracelet from the hospital. A lock of his hair. His tiny little hat. His hand and footprints. The blanket we wrapped him in the day we spent with him. I cried of course, but felt more together with Lucas in the room with me. I felt better. I continued to tear up as I looked at his things and remembered him, but felt almost healed. I finally faced the grief I hid away in that box.

Later in the evening we met Lucas' family and my mom and brother at the cemetery.  When we arrived there were two stuffed animals at my babies memorials. A Pooh Bear for Molly and a giant Clifford for Kellen. I had no idea who brought them but, of course, I was so touched I cried more. I cry a lot. (Later we discovered that the gifts were brought by one of Lucas' clients. Lucas had shared with him our story, and every time that client came to visit his recently passed son he also visited our babies. When I learned that my heart melted. I am so touched)

We brought Kellen some birthday flowers. When everyone arrived we all talked and then we took a notepad and we each wrote him a letter. We rolled our letters up in tiny scrolls and tied them to the balloons.

All together we released our letters and sent them to Kellen. Watching the balloons was really beautiful. I felt peaceful and happy. After the balloon release we all went back to our apartment where we ate a birthday cake and visited more. It was a good day to think of our adorable baby boy.

His birthday was perfect, with moments to miss him and moments to celebrate him.

We love you Kellen, and we miss you every second of every day!

Saturday, December 8, 2012

Miss

Remember how I used to know how to blog?
I miss that.

Here's an embarrassing story about "missing" just to get things rolling again...

I had a crush on a friend of mine in High School. I was two years behind him in school and met him through the wrestling team. I was a wrestling manager. In my mind he was the dream guy. He was the popular attractive senior and I was the scrawny, awkward, late-blooming, gap-toothed sophomore. I remember being surprised every time he spoke to me.  If I walked into a crowded room, say a pep assembly or a wrestling tournament, I would find him without meaning to. I just noticed him all the time.

Much to my happy surprise, my wrestler boy seemed to notice me sometimes. One day he saw me walking home from school and he drove up to me. He rolled down his window and asked if I wanted a ride. It was the first time we had a conversation of any length or substance. I loved it.
This started many many days of rides home after practice, and sometimes we would just sit in his truck outside my parents house and talk for hours. I began to fall for who he was as a person, which was a wonderful compliment to how physically attracted to him I was. I never could believe, despite the fact that he was increasingly flirty with me, that he was even a little interested in me.

Then one day, wrestler boy asked me to go see a movie with him. I was elated and surprised. I agreed to the date, trying to make it sound like it was no big deal even though I'm pretty sure I thought I was dreaming. (Crushes are weird)

When he picked me up, I remember thinking that I hoped he didn't realize he was much too good looking for me. We went to see the movie Secondhand Lions. We sat in the theater and were being especially flirty. We laughed through the first few minutes and teased each other.

He seemed more nervous than usual, and that helped me feel strangely more confident. He seemed to be enjoying my company which helped dispel my irrational fear that I was somehow the target of an elaborate prank.
Luckily, he seemed to really want to be there with me.

 A few minutes into the show, wrestler boy took the armrest that was between us and put it up

He scooted a little closer to me.

I sat frozen, trying to keep myself from screwing this up somehow.

He went for it.  His arm slowly lifted and he put it behind my head and over my shoulders. (My heartbeat could now be heard over the sound of the movie)

Nobody had ever put their arm around me during a movie before, but it seems like a natural enough concept. He puts his arm around you. You rest your head on his shoulder. They do it in movies all the time. I felt sure I could handle it.

 As is arm came to rest behind my head, propping it forward uncomfortably,  I began to look for the comfortable spot on his shoulder.  I slid my head over slowly and waited for a little pocket where I should rest my head. It wasn't where i thought it wold be. "Maybe I'm doing it wrong", I thought. So I moved my head down a little lower, right over his chest. However, I was still uncomfortably holding my head up. Of course I thought, "I must be almost there." So I slid my head down EVEN LOWER. Suddenly, I realize that the back of my head is now resting under his sternum.

There is no going back now. I had gone WAY too far. I had to act like this was my sneaky way of cuddling. I needed him to think this was intentional. So he sat there with his arm now resting over my back. I was completely arched over sideways with my head pretend resting on his stomach. (He was fit, there was no belly to actually rest on. My neck muscles had to do all the work.) I stared into the black plastic seat in front of me and held my position. I pretended I could see the screen and that this was an intentional cuddle.

He sat pretty still, probably wondering what was going on and finally whispered, "Are you comfortable like that?"

I turned my head in some contortionist move so I could see him and smiled and said, "YUP!" and he goes, "okay.... You sure? it doesn't look that comfy." I said, "I'm great!"

I was 50% mortified that I failed so miserably at resting my head on him and ended up holding my head up awkwardly around his belly button, but also 50% extatic that he made a move in the first place. I wasn't going to give up the latter to fix the current predicament.

Probably a good 15 MINUTES later I made some silly joke and sat up again because well, my neck was killing me and I couldn't see the screen. He removed his arm from around me and we sat normally he rest of the show. I was so embarrassed.

I wasn't surprised when he didn't try to hold my hand that night. He was probably afraid I would miss and end up holding his foot.








Thursday, November 1, 2012

Boo!


There are a ton of kids who live around us and they play in the courtyard behind our house all the time. They LOVE to play with Moose so sometimes I walk him back there to let them play fetch with him. A couple of days ago, after they wore Moose out and we played hide-and-seek, I started to leave and I said, "Thanks for playing with us!" The youngest little girl yelled, "Thanks! You're the best!" That felt good. I said, "No you are! Have a happy Halloween!" 
The kids all stopped smiling and stood there looking all defeated and said, "We don't celebrate it." I'm pretty sure they even kicked the leaves in the grass in front of them. I wanted to say, "I'm so sorry! That's the saddest thing I've ever heard! Come to my house and I'll celebrate it with you!" But of course, I just said, "Oh I see. Well have a fun week! I'll bring Moose out again soon!" 

I'm sure they are used to having to explain to people that they don't celebrate Halloween, but I still felt bad about bumming them out. But then it happened again.

There is a man I worked with who has the same name as my husband. So I live with and work with a Lou Taylor. (Lucas' family calls him Lou all the time and I do every now and then) They are both awesome. Yesterday, Lou from work brought his little boy to the dealership.

Naturally, seeing a little kid on Halloween makes me ask things like "What are you going to be for Halloween?!" and "Are you excited to Trick-or-Treat?!". So when I saw Lou, his son runs up to me and says, "Hello." I say, "Hello! It's so good to see you! Are you excited for Halloween?" 

Poor kid looks at the floor and says, "I can't do Halloween." Since I know that Lou doesn't have a religious reason for his kids not celebrating Halloween, I assume his son doesn't like it or gets scared. So I pour salt on the wound and say, "Oh really? Do you not like it?" and he says, "No I do like it! But my mom wont let me go!"    oops. I look at Lou and try to give him a look that will say 'Sorry I riled up your son about how unfair this is!' He smiles at me. I say to his son, "Its okay, buddy, it can still be a fun day!" Lou smiles and says, "Yeah!" 

Whoops. 

For us, our Halloween was a mellow one. We went to a haunted house a few days ago with Hayley, my sis-in-law. It was pretty scary. (After the haunted straw maze in Rexburg, nothing is as scary to me as it once was.) I did fall down once while running away from a man with a fake chainsaw. That and people on stilts scare me the most in haunted houses. And somehow I always fall down at least once. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Just before I left work, Lou's son came up to me and asked if i can use my computer to play games. I told him, "I need it for about a half an hour, and then you can have it. Would you like me to come find you when I'm all finished?" He looked at me for a second and said, "You don't have to find me because...well...I can just find my own self." I struggled to hold back a laugh. So funny! I said, "Okay buddy." Then he ran off. 

Five minutes later I took a document to one of my co-workers and when I got back all my stuff had been piled up on the desk and there was Lou's cute blond son sitting at the computer clicking away at a pinball game. 

He wasted no time! I felt bad about our Halloween conversation so I let him keep playing. I went over and gathered my stuff and said, "You found yourself so fast!" He didn't look away from the computer and said, "Uh huh!" I laughed and told him I'd see him later. 

Kids are so cool.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Speaking of Halloween... I have a Halloween pet peeve. It has always bugged me when parents claim their kids' trick-or-treating candy. For example, some families let their kids pick a handful of their favorites and then everything goes into a "Family Pot". Other parents will try to sneak handfuls of their candy away to limit the amount their kids eat. Others see their kids' candy stash as theirs and they get excited and eat it all. 

This blows my mind for more than the following reasons:

  • You are an adult. If you want candy, you just go buy some of your own.
  • This might surprise you, but your kids don't go trick-or-treating to meet the neighbors.
  •  They work hard for that candy! Every time someone puts something in their bucket they gets SO HAPPY. Don't rob them, it's just mean.
  • Halloween is once a year. Let them eat Candy!

Anyway, time to get excited for Thanksgiving- My favorite Holiday!


Pumpkin picture by Kristen Pierson.

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Quickly turn it upside down and smile that frown away


About a month ago I got a new calling at Church. I keep saying I want a real calling, so I was excited with the Bishopric wanted to come over to figure out what we are good at  meet us. We have a guitar in our family room. I got is as a present one year and played it a little bit, but have since forgotten how to play. I do love guitars though, and I like having one in the front room. When people come over who know how to play, they pick it up and play some things and I love that. It also does a good job of hiding some unsightly cables.

So the bishopric knocks on the door, we let them inside and they immediately see the guitar and you can almost literally see their eyes light up. They dont jump right into the assessment of skills though. We talk for about a half an hour about life and our history, what brought us to Centennial etc. Then they say, "So what are you past callings?" Lucas has an impressive list to give them. (I know- all callings are important- but it does feel like a job interview) I tell them my last calling was to turn off the lights at the church and make sure the doors were locked every other week. Also to support Lucas in the bishopric of a BYU-I Single student ward.

The second counselor leans his head towards the guitar and hopefully asks "So you are pretty musical then? I see you play guitar!" and I say, "I have no musical talent, actually. I can't read music or sing and I played that about four years ago and can't remember anything." He looks disappointed. And because I feel some sort of maternal need to take care of everyone, I feel the need to make him feel better. I say, "I think my only real talent is working with children."  Relief washed over his face while Lucas' eyes almost get a glazed look as I'm sure he gets a vision of spending the next year in Nursery or as a Primary teacher.

We finish the meeting and say goodbye to the bishopric. Lucas says, "Yup. We're going to be in Primary!" (Primary is like Sunday school and singing time with 3  to 12-year-old kids)

A couple weeks later Lucas comes home from work and says, "The Bishopric will be here in 15 minutes. They want to talk to us. Callings."

20 minutes later I am asked to be the Primary Chorister. Enter terror and trembling.

I AM good with kids, but unfortunately, I am not a singer. And I'm not a soprano or even close to it. I also felt nervous about coming in not knowing the kids at all. I could have said 'Thanks but no thanks. I don't sing." but I firmly believe that if you are asked to do a calling in the church, even if it is a misguided call, you will be blessed to be able to fulfill it if you go into it with faith.

I was super stressed about it for a month before my first Sunday. Stress caused me to have night terrors about it. I dreamed my  mom was sitting with the youngest kids in a tiny chair and yelling out "You're doing this wrong! This is ALL WRONG!" It was horrible. (P.S. My mom is never critical. so that made it worse)

The night before my first Sunday, I stayed up all night coloring posters and making games to help the kids sing some songs and teach them a new one. I was prepared, but not ready. I guess the best way to learn is just to jump in, though. So Primary started and luckily, when it was my turn, it took just over 1 second in front of the kids to become comfortable. Working with kids is a talent of mine, and I just had to rely on it.

We played a Halloween game and sang about 5 songs in silly ways, then I started teaching them a new song. I think the teaching was rough and a little rushed, but for my first Sunday I think it was okay. I'm sure the only people who noticed my transitions were messy were the teachers, but they were all just happy to have someone else entertaining the kids. By the end of my time singing the kids were all happy. Sure, I had to sing a few of the songs out of the book because I didn't remember them, and maybe my 4:4 conducting turned into more of a Nike Swoosh mid-song, but it was still successful. I learned what I will do differently next time. I started learning some of the kids names. It was also really fun. I laughed at some of the things they said and it was fun to come up with an idea that got them so excited. I think I'll be okay.

The best thing about my first Sunday was help I got after prayer. I was so nervous that I showed up to church half an hour early. I sat in the chapel and prayed for help. I prayed that I could focus on teaching the kids and not be distracted with my inability to sing the songs or hit the high notes. Imagine my gratitude when it wasn't even an issue while i was singing. I sang the songs and hit the notes without even trying. And while that may not seem like a big deal to you, it was a miracle for me.

So looks like I'll be belting out songs about Popcorn Popping and Sunbeams 24/7 for the foreseeable future. My frown has turned upside down. I can do this. 

P.S. Lucas got called to be Elder's Quorum instructor. His first Sunday was good. He's a powerhouse and a fearless teacher. He wasn't even worried and when I asked him how it went he didn't even write a really long and detailed blog about it. He simply said, "It was pretty good!" and when he could tell I needed more details he said, " Not the best lesson in the world, but not the worst. So, yup." Sometimes I wish i could tell a story in so few words. (Don't hold your breath)


Friday, October 26, 2012

Adoption

Things with adoption are going more slowly than I would like. However, that's probably because I feel ready today and these things take time. Waiting for our children makes each day feel longer than it might otherwise. However we have been really busy and continuing to progress.

Lucas is getting really good at his job at the funeral home. He has come home and told me some of the saddest and sweetest stories. I love how gentle he is with the families and I can tell how they can sense his love. I'm so proud of him. He is getting more and more successful and the more families he is able to help, the more our family is helped. So things just keep getting better.

I have spent a lot of time lately on the phone with the county, and different adoption agencies. We have been looking online at adoption profiles for children looking for homes and of course I fall in love with every child. We have to have our home study finished before we can inquire about any of the children, so we are trying to do that as quickly as possible.

Right now we are starting our home study. It takes a couple months, but we are determined to get it done quickly so we can be ready whenever our miracle happens. I appreciate all of the support that has been given to us as we go through this journey, and I am so grateful for my wonderful family and friends for sending me possible situations and anything the hear about adoption.

Soon our home study will be done and we will be able to get farther than falling in love with these children and daydreaming about being parents.

The other day I asked Lucas how often he thinks about adoption and about being a dad and he said, "All the time. Constantly." Oh how I love him. Our children will be so lucky to have him as a Dad.

So keep your prayers coming. Keep sending us situations. You never know when it might be right. Just a little while until our home study is done and we will be "paper pregnant" and we can be chosen at any time. Thank you for spreading the word.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

By the way, our adoption blog is being really weird. I am trying to get a new one built and ready and we are shooting videos soon that will have interviews with us and we will tell our stories and show you our home. I am really excited about it. So please be patient while we get our adoption blog up and running again, it will be done shortly. 

Sunday, October 21, 2012

If your toilets all break, you're about to lie to a bunch of Baptists.


I opened my eyes this morning to see Lucas dressed in his Sunday best, walking in and out of the bathroom. He was calling my name, waking me up to tell me that he plugged my phone in and set my alarm and he had to leave for work. He let me know that he already took Moose outside and fed him breakfast. His voice got a little stressed as he then explained that he had to leave but unfortunately, both of our toilets are broken.
 
Understanding but not fully comprehending the problem, I assured him  he should not be late and that I would be fine. I mumbled something about hiring a plumber and that I could just go to the bathroom at church.  His worry seemed like the bigger issue here, so I reassured him that I would not touch the toilets and I would figure something out. He seemed reassured, kissed me goodbye and left for work.  I got cuddled back in my blankets next to Moose and went back to sleep. 

Half an hour later I woke up and desperately had to go to the bathroom. I got out of bed and during the short walk to the restroom, I remembered making a promise about a plumber and about not touching the toilets.  As I realized relief was not just feet away, I suddenly had to go even more than I did before. Eeerrm. I started bouncing around while I tried to come up with a plan that didn't include using a broken toilet.

As quickly as I could, I slid into some jeans, threw my hair into a pony tail and put on a T-shirt. I grabbed my keys and ran to the front door. "Sorry, Bud, you have to stay." I said to a confused and disappointed Moose as I went outside. I locked the door and ran down the two flights of stairs and out into the parking lot. Our apartment complex is next door to a gas station, and though I had planned on driving to the nearby Walgreens, this seemed a better option. I turned and ran across the complex at an inconvenient and steady incline, crossed the road and went into the gas station.
 I greeted the girl at the counter and walked directly back to the bathroom.

Using my leg to kick the door open I looked inside and immediately wished I had tried to fix our toilet instead of coming here. It was FILTHY- a royal pee palace. I may or may not have, but definitely did gag a few times as I wadded up handfuls of paper towels and started cleaning what would be required in order even consider using the restroom. I washed my hands as fast and as well as as I could, forced myself to do my business, and then re-washed my hands while mentally shaking a fist at our broken toilets.

The walk home was much more enjoyable and I realized for the first time that it was a beautiful day. When I got home, I got Moose and took him out to the grassy area outside our apartment. He sniffed a few leaf piles and then heard another dog coming around the corner and took off after him. I yelled for him to stop and come back to me. "Moose, NO! Come back. Hey, Moose-come!"  He looked at me for a second, then  half obeyed and slowed his sprint to a walk, as if I wouldn't notice he was still going away from me. When the owner of the other dog saw Moose coming towards her, she instantly went into full on survival mode.


She jumped backwards behind her dog (who was standing completely still -unaware of Moose-sniffing the grass) and started yelling "THIS IS NOT GOOD! THIS IS BAD! GET THAT DOG! THIIIIIIIIISSSS ISNOTGOOD!!!" she pulled on her dog's leash as if it were trying to attack Moose, instead of being unaware of him.  I was confused at her reaction and walked over to Moose, who had stopped walking to stare at the crazy lady, and picked him up. I was about to apologize because clearly she felt she had nearly escaped death, when she blew up again! "THAT DOG SHOULD BE ON A LEASH! IT IS CENTENNIAL LAW! IT'S AN H.O.A. RULE! I MEAN...PFF..UUGHH. IT'S THE LAW!" I was in shock at how this had escalated in her mind, and just stood there for a second a looked at her. Then after a few silent seconds too long I said, "Your dog is really pretty." I cannot explain this response and I have no idea why I chose that to say, but the scowl disappeared from her face and she said "Your puppy is cute too!" and she practically skipped away.

I waiting until she was around the corner before I set Moose down and we both classified that as a weird encounter.

Once back inside I got ready for church and looked up directions to the stake center, a church building I had never been to before, because it was Stake conference today. I studied the map and the directions seemed simple enough so I figured I would be able to get there and would recognize the church building when I saw it.

I said goodbye to Moose again, locked the house, and got in the car. I got off the highway  at the right exit and started driving down the street looking for a church building. I saw a steeple right where I was expecting and made a quick right and pulled into a parking lot. It seemed a little empty for a conference Sunday, but I just figured everyone was late. I walked around to the first door I saw and it was locked. A nice girl was pulling in to a parking spot and asked if I needed some help. I said, "Sure. I've never been to this building before. It's different than all the other church buildings, haha, Im just looking for a way in."
She looked confused by  my comment but said, "The entrance is just around this way, this is kind of a side way in, but it works." I thanked her, and noticed a beautiful stained glass window as I went in the door. I thought Weird. The church must have bought this building after another church owned it. We dont usually have stained glass windows like that.

I followed the girl inside and as soon as I heard the drums and the electric guitar I knew I was in the wrong place.  This was not even close to an LDS church. Only then did I become aware that the pattern in the stained glass window was of a big cross. Unfortunately, it was too late to save face and get out of there unseen. The girl who helped me had walked in and sat with a group of people, but the pastor was coming towards me, arm outstretched and a huge grin on his face.

He reached his hand out to me, genuinely thrilled to see a new face and said, "WELCOME! Are you new here? We are SO glad to have you!" I shook his hand and smiled. I was now totally embarrassed that I got this far in before realizing I was in the wrong church. Before I could answer he pulled me by the arm over to a table and showed me their program and some pictures of pastors on the wall and invited me to a trunk-r-treat. He was so nice and so truly happy that I panicked.  After his greeting I realized that I had  been surrounded by who I assume are his wife, a youth pastor and his wife, and another gentleman.

They all shook my hand and welcomed me to the service. It was a bit overwhelming and I hadn't even had a chance to explain I had just come into the wrong building. (No wonder the girl looked so confused when I said 'This building is different than all the other church buildings!' haha)

Finally with all their faces smiling and expectant, the first man said, "So who are you here with? Are you waiting for a young lady or a young man?" And then for some reason I can't explain I replied, "...a girl."
Great move, smarty pants. Couldn't I have just said, I'm actually just looking for the LDS church? BAH!

"What's her name?" More smiles. They wanted to know who to thank for bringing a visitor.
And because I'm so quick on my feet I say,

"I dont know."

Awesome! REALLY Genius! 

They look really confused and nobody says anything. Then, as if I can't control it, I tell another lie, "I just met her at work. She told me to meet her at the church on Yale. Her last name is Taylor." Seriously, how does a person get this creative? Somehow I thought of my OWN last name!

They say, "Hmmm Taylor, huh? I dont recognize the name from here. Taylor. Hmm, well why dont you come inside and stay and maybe she'll come." and then one guy hands me a form and says "Will you fill out this visitor form please?" They are all so nice and smiley, and I feel guilty so I smile and start to fill it out. Question one: "Last Name". Great, my "friend" is Taylor. I'm such an idiot. How is this happening?

I write my name is Amber Thompson and fill out the other questions, then leave the form on the little table. The people are still trying to figure out who Ms. Taylor is and inviting me inside. They finally ask me, "What does she look like?" and I spit out, "About my height maybe? My color hair?"
More lies?! More horribly uncreative lies? What is wrong with me?
 
Realizing that I now had them looking for ME while they hunt for this mysterious "co-worker", I try to get an out and say, "You know, I dont even know if I'm at the right place. I havent seen her. She just said go to the church on Yale."

They said "Well that's here then. We are so glad to have you...." 
I say, "I should just go outside and wait, or maybe I'll call her and see if this is the right place." I go outside hoping to just dash away, but THEY ALL FOLLOW ME.

I pretend to text my fake friend who looks like and is me. I wait a second and then hold up my phone as if it had the answers and I say, "Ah! Yeah my friend is at the Mormon church! So I'm at the wrong place! Sorry about that! Thanks!" And they looked at me like I had punched them and as I walked down the path to the car they yelled after me, "Bring your friend Taylor back here! We are a lot different than Mormons! You'll like it!" and I waved and said "Bye!"

Then when I got in the car I took off my pants because they were on fire. Then I drove around the corner to the LDS church to make up for my Lies.  


What a weird morning.


Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Enjoy


Um, you guys.....this girl is TWELVE YEARS OLD. And she wrote those songs. I'm obsessed. I may be responsible for a huge chunk of these video views, but seriously. If I could have any talent, it would be to be able to do that. Also, When we watched the next two I laughed until I cried. Repeat.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Ramblings

Every now and then I get so behind on my blog that catching up seems so exhausting so I start blogs and never finish them. That usually leads to a blog of ramblings where I take all the detail out of stories just to make sure I have my life updated. This is one of those times. (Surprise!)

Kellen finally has his headstone. It is beautiful. We love it. It is a little more masculine than Molly's and it has the quote from something Lucas said to Kellen when we were dressing him before his service. It is really really special to us. If you were one of the many people who make donations for Kellens headstone and funeral services, THANK YOU! If I could I would hug you forever. I cannot express how truly thankful I am for your donations and love. We couldn't have felt the peace we do without your help. Here is the beautiful gift you gave us and to our son. Lucas let me know when it was being installed since he works there now. We were able to see it being placed and to visit both babies for a while. It was a really great moment for all of us. I love my babies. I love my family. I love my friends. We are so blessed.
 

We found out that LDS Family services is now working with an agency to do home studies here and if we work through them we will be able to still get an itsaboutlove adoption profile up through LDSFS. This is great news! Now we will be able to have our profile up with TWO agencies so maybe our chances of getting found by the mom who is looking for us even better. Speaking of adoption, we can get a homestudy now because we found a great new apartment! Stay tuned for better pictures, but here's a sneak peek:
Family Room
Entry

One half of the kitchen. I love the cabinets :)

I had to include a grainy cell phone picture of this awesome closet!
Huge windows that Moose can see out of all day :) He likes to watch the neighbor kids play outside

Lucas is still hard at work at the cemetery. He has helped a bunch of people already, including helping to comfort a family who lost a baby at birth. I love knowing he is able to use our experiences to help other people. I just love him.

I have been super dizzy lately. It got so bad that at one point I had to leave work early and lay on the couch all night because I was so afraid I would pass out. It wasn't like room-spinning dizziness. I was dizzy because I get close to passing out over and over. It's super confusing and pretty annoying to deal with. I went to the doctor and all my blood tests and my EKG came back normal. They want to do a heart monitor and an EEG on my brain to see what is going on. Luckily, it has gotten better the last couple days, so if it goes away I might cancel the brain $can (if you know what I mean).

Lucas took me on a date yesterday when I got off work. We went bowling and to a movie and it was so so much fun. We were laughing so much and had so much fun. He won It was great!

My job is going well still. It is getting hard to me to stay super motivated because I am underpaid. I'm nervous to ask for a raise, though.  The salary sounded fantastic since we were fresh from Idaho (where 9 dollars an hour is a decent paying job). However, trying to live on that kind of money here in Colorado is a bit harder. Luckily Lucas got his job, but still, I need to ask for a raise (scary!).

I carved a little wooden house that is adorable. Except while I was carving it I accidentally stabbed myself in the hand. I ran to the kitchen to clean the blood gushing from my hand and Lucas ran to help me. All the sudden my whole body got really warm and I felt really sick and I just had enough time to warn Lucas that I was about to pass out and I went unconcious.  Apparantly I collapsed and whacked my head on the cabinets and Lucas tried to catch me and lay me on the ground while my face twitched like crazy and I made weird sounds. Eeeeeee. I woke up and felt horrible.  Luckily, Lucas took pictures of me to show me later because he knew it would entertain me.

That night Lucas woke up to me sleep walking right into the wall. I'm a train wreck. hahaha!

 There neighborhood behind our apartment complex is the most beautiful and American feeling neighborhood I've ever seen. We fell in love the first time we walked Moose through it, and we are determined to live there. So when we leave this fantastic apartment, we will move to the best and most stunning neighborhood ever to exist. Life is so amazing.

Here are some funny conversations Lucas and I had the other day while we were working.
You should know, Lucas is scared of claw-foot bathtubs. He thinks he will get killed in it if we get one. That boy...he slays me.



The other day at work there was a guy with two little kids with him while he was buying a car. The little girl was really shy and started crying whenever anyone tried to play with her. I think she was about 14 months old. I came out of my office when I heard her and smiled at her from across the room. She walked really really slowly over to me and held her arms up to me. So I picked her up and she smiled at me and then just let me hold her and we started coloring pictures. I held her on my lap and we colored and I gave her Acura stickers from my office. Then after about 20 minutes her brother came over to us, he was about 5, and asked me why I was holding his sister. I told him it was because she wanted me to, and he said, "Oh I see. I'm Talon!" Then we talked for a while and I asked if he liked books and I walked them both over to the kid section and we read stories and acted like we were eating all the food in the books. Talon was all over it. He was rolling on the couch after "eating" handfuls of cake in the story and saying "So much cake! Now I feel sick!" And I said, "Me too!!! We ate wayyy to much food! I think..I think we turned into cake!" and Talon rolled around and said, "Now I'm Chocolate Cake!!! AAHHH!" we laughed and ate pictures of veggies to turn ourselves back into people. We read a few more books and while we were reading their Dad came over and offered me a job as their nanny. He just kept watching us playing and kept asking me to be their nanny.  haha  I gave him my number and told him I would love to watch his kids anytime.

Playing with those cute kids made me ache even more to adopt and be a mom. I should be a mother. Raising children is all I ever wanted and I just feel RIGHT when I'm caring for kids, I always have. They make me so happy. So maybe I'll get some babysitting jobs out of it. Playing with them also made me miss the kids I have nannied. Especially Kelsey, who was the age of the little girl. I still dream about her sometimes. I fell so in love with her, its really sad for me to think she might not even remember me.

Oh, and we have an amazing new ward. It feels like home already and everyone is so loving and genuine. I never want to change wards. I have felt so amazing every Sunday when we go home. Its the best feeling.

This blog took an unexpected turn down memory lane. Anyway, life is pretty amazing. We are happy and blessed, but we are also still waiting.  I'll leave you with this video of Moose that you will probably find boring, but I think he's adorable.
video




Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Some Changes


Our plan was that once Lucas got a good job, we would get a house, get a homestudy, and work through LDS Family Services towards our adoption. This was, of course, unless a birthmom contacted us privately, which we are completely open to. We would still get a homestudy, but it would all be private if this was what the baby's birth family wished for. Most people go through an agency, but private adoptions are become more common. Personally, we have had quite a few people contact us just through this blog, so I know that it is reaching people.

Even since my last blog we have had a birthmother contact us, however, after telling us that she thought we would be perfect, she changed her mind. So so sad. So the only option is to keep working towards where we want to be, in our personal life and with the agency.

In the name of keeping life progressing, Lucas just started his new, wonderfully perfect job! We are so excited for this huge step for our family. He will be making enough money to provide for our family when we do adopt our baby, so that I can stay home. So, the plan was to wait a few paychecks to save up some money, then find a place to live. It was finally here! After six and a half months of waiting and feeling stuck inbetween where we once were but where we needed to be, things were progressing! I felt like a train that had been just sitting on the tracks for months, but then finally it was rolling again!! We are so blessed.

I have been looking at townhomes, apartments, condos, and houses like it's my job. Then one day, I get a call at work from LDS Family Services. They ask how far along we are in our progression towards the homestudy, since there is a LOT of paperwork and background checks and fingerprints and references that need to be turned in. I was a little confused that he would call to ask us this. However, I couldn't talk then so I had him call Lucas.

Lucas text me about 20 minutes later and said "Call me when you can"
Curious, I called him right away. I said, "Hey did you talk to Kelly at LDS Family Services?"
He said, "Yeah. So, this is interesting."

uh oh.

They called to let us know that they have made a decision NOT to work with adopting couples anymore. There are no birth parents coming in so they have decided that working with couples directly is a bit fruitless since nobody is able to adopt anyway. We would need to find a completely new agency to work through and START ALL OVER.

That train I told you about, remember how it started rolling? Well it accidentally fell off the track and is now rolling down a huge hill.

This is the last thing you ever expect to happen. LDS Family Services is one of the oldest and largest adoption agencies out there. It was the plan from day one. Instead of getting discouraged, we talked about how strange this is, and maybe our children were not going to come to us through that agency. Maybe this happened for a reason, and we should see this as a step in the RIGHT direction. Maybe we were be redirected TOWARDS our family, and not away like it felt.

So, I got to finding a new agency. I had been researching an agency that my friend told me about. They are non-profit and their fees are reasonable. They seemed to really be there for the CHILDREN, so I liked them. So, the day after LDS Family Services let us know they couldn't work with us anymore, we filled out the application for Lifetime Adoption.

The application took a few hours and we sent it off. It said we would hear back from them in two weeks. Well, the next day Lucas gets an email from them that says they have decided they would not be able to help us on our journey towards adoption.

I'm pretty sure its because we are LDS, but I cant be positive. It's a Christian agency, however, there is a great misunderstanding that those of the LDS faith are not Christian. They said it was because they couldn't work with people in Colorado. (Wouldn't this have been posted on their site somewhere?) Curious, and a little downtrodden, I looked at their waiting couples. It took about five minutes before I found some couples from Colorado. I also searched and searched and under their "religion" section, I found no LDS couples.

My feelings were hurt, I'll be honest. That was TWO agencies in TWO days who let us know they could not (or would not) work with us! What is happening? Sometimes it would be really nice to have our next steps made for us, because we are at a loss for knowing where to go next. We will keep researching other agencies. I hadn't realized that it would be our faith that would cause people NOT to pick us, or even work with us. I know we would raise our children in a home full of love and laughter and understanding. We are kind. We are silly. We are in love. We are honest. We love children. We have so much good, and I believe our faith is a huge part of what will make our home a refuge from the world.

We are getting professional pictures taken of our family since we don't really have any, and I want to re-do this blog make a website that is more informative with videos of us and things. It will help birth-moms to get a better idea of who we are. Maybe it's a private adoption we are mant for. Maybe there is an agency out there somewhere that will lead us to our family.
I'm a bit lost knowing where to turn next.

Any help getting word out that we are hoping to adopt is needed more than ever, and we would be so very grateful. Thank you. <3 <3

So in the name of patience and more waiting. Here is a quote I found.
“Time has no meaning,
Love will endure..”
Jude Deveraux
We already love them so much, and waiting longer wont change that. All this time and waiting will make the joy even sweeter when our time comes.

Saturday, August 11, 2012

What's the word?

I wasn't sure about posting this because its too humildifying.

Can you guess the word before I do?

This happens to me more than it should.
Lucas loves it.
He just laughs away.

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Desk Cuddle

Remember when I used to post something that made me laugh everyday? Well I liked that. So here's something from just now.

Lucas called me today while I was working and after we talked he said, "Okay, well I better go home and study".
I replied, "No. Come here and cuddle me. On my desk?"
Short pause.
 Lucas says, "On your desk?!"
I laugh and say. "Yup"
He waits a second, imagining it, and says, "I hate that cuddle! It makes me sick inside! First because we would be uncomfortable on a desk, and second because people would be like walking around us! We will never do that!"

Then I laughed for the rest of my life at his anti-desk-cuddling outrage.

**btw, I realize this may sound edited. It is not. We really were talking about cuddling.**

Thursday, August 2, 2012

This is not my bed.

 Lucas and I are house/cat sitting this week!
(Oh and turns out I dont dislike cats. Their cats are great!)

Is it just me and Lucas  who get a bit freaked out by the house noises when sleeping in a new place?  Our imaginations get the better of us! There were a few times I was sure there was an evil person roughly the size of a cat jumping around upstairs with evil intentions.


The first two nights in the house I stayed there alone because Lucas' brother was at his parents so he wanted maximum time with his family. Immediately after getting there you better believe I checked every room for intruders. (Why wouldn't someone sneak into a random house and quietly sit in the bathtub waiting to be found?) Once I knew I was alone, i got comfy and watched some episodes of "Friends" while eating a handful of almonds.

After two nights of comfortable privacy  braving sleep in a new house and bed, Lucas was supposed to join me for the rest of the week. Hooray! Well, then i get a text that says "hey Amber its Chrsti, I realized i never gave you my address, its _________________. See you tomorrow!" Surprise!

About four months ago I interviewed with a lady about being an occasional overnight nanny for her 15 month old son. I had forgotten that we agreed on the end of July as a start date. So at about 10pm I hopped in the car and drove to the house of a lady I met once to sleep in a random bed. But I'm not one to refuse getting paid to sleep. I'll get paid to sleep all day long!

So, Lucas took over my post as the cat-sitter so I could go to my first overnight shift.

What I expected for my night:
~ Arrive. Baby's mom leaves.
~Peek at the baby, ooh and aww.
~Get in bed.
~Sleep.
~Wake up to baby waking up.
~Play until his mom gets home.
~Go home.

What Happened:
~Arrive. Baby's mom leaves.
~Peek at baby, ooh and aww.
~Get in bed.
~baby wakes up.
~I pretend to be baby's mom and keep lights all off so he cant see my face. Pick him up. He wraps his arms around my neck and scrunches his face up into my neck and goes back to sleep.
~I melt into a gigantic puddle.
~Regain composure and put baby back in bed.
~I get in bed and start falling asleep.
~Wake up about every 15 minutes thinking someone is in the house. (To be fair it was a really old house so it was really creaky. Plus there was a crazy thunder/rain storm outside so it was being extra spooky.)
~Wake up in the middle of the night to what I thought was a bear coming to eat me. Turns out their giant lab was actually not as "locked" in the basement as I was told.
~Take dog out to use bathroom. I'm too tired and unfamiliar with his habits to know if he did or not, but when he comes inside I let him into the basement again. I go back to bed.
~Sleep another half hour when I wake up to what sounds like something peeing in the hall.
~Go outside and notice that their vent is pouring water from the ceiling to the floor and down the stairs because of the insane rain outside.
~Stumble through the house to find something to gather the water in. The sound of the water as it hits the bowl is super loud so I quickly find a paper towel wad to shove in the bottom of it to quiet the sounds and hope that it helps prevent a full-on flood in their house.
~Go back to bed.
~Wake up at 5:00 to my alarm telling me to get up and go to work.
~Snooze.
~Wake up at 5:30 to my alarm telling me I'm a lazy bones.
~ Wake up and get dressed, check the house. Stairs are soaked and bowl from the leaking ceiling is full to the rim. I dump it out and dry to sop up some of the water on the stairs.
~ I realize the closer I get the basement the more it smells like poop.
~Go in the basement and realize that the big dog had thrown up in his kennel, broken out of said kennel, eaten a giant bag of dog food, felt sick, came to wake me up, I let him out, he was scared of the storm, came back in, I put him in basement, he then pooped all over the basement while I went back to sleep.  Good Morning. Let out two of the other dogs and take them outside, then try to keep them away from all the poo that is inside.
~Check on the baby, he's laying happy and awake in his crib.
~He stares at me like "who. are. you?" I say "Hi, Rylan!" He smiles and lets me get him out of the crib.
~I then play with him/fall in love with him until 7:30 when his mom gets home.
~I say goodbye, tell her about the poo and the leak she says "Oh I'm sorry. That happens, yeah, during storms." She was so normal and happy about it, haha.
~I drive to work at the dealership.

About half way through my shift at work I call Lucas to see how HIS house-sitting night went.
He says, "It's kind of spooky!"
And I thought it was cute picture him being freaked out of sounds and shadows too. Its funny how when you're in a new place or in the right mood at night, this:

Can feel more like this:



I go back in two weeks for my second overnight shift, and even if its a poopy floody crazy night of scary house sounds, I'll like it; I mean, look at this face!






Monday, July 30, 2012

Blessings Galore!


Saving up for Kellen's headstone took us much longer than we thought it would. A few weeks ago, thanks to the donation from so many of you, and from our families, we finally had what we needed to order his headstone and get them to begin making it for Kellen. We have  no idea why it took so long to get the funds saved up.

Well, Lucas happily  made the appointment with the lady we have been working with at Chapel Hill Cemetery, for a Saturday. The night before our appointment, we made plans for the morning and getting everything settled. However, in the morning we woke up and went about our day as if it was a  usual weekend.

We BOTH completely forgot about our appointment! This is so unlike us. ESPECIALLY when getting Kellen's headstone is such a big deal to us, and we were so excited about finally getting it made for him. It wasn't until the evening when, like we were hit by a truck, we realized we had missed our appointment. I dont think we have forgotten a single appointment for anything since we've been married. We arent even usually late for things, but to completely forget is just bonkers.

We reset the appointment for the following Saturday, and you better believe we were there! When we sat down with, Kay, our service rep, we immediately apologized to her for missing our appointment. She turned to us and said, "Oh! It was so much better that way! We were so busy and we are understaffed so I wouldn't have had time anyway!" We were relieved to hear it, but the word I had really heard in her explanation was...understaffed. She then explained to us that they got a new manager and she had only been there a week and they were transitioning.

I nudged Lucas and then we explained that if there is an open position there, Lucas would be more than happy to apply. Kay got really excited and explained to us that the open position was as a family service Counselor, which is what she does. She explained quickly about the great benifits and then ran off to get her manager so she could meet Lucas. After we had Kellens headstone ordered (YAY!!!!) Lucas then met with the manager and gave her his business card and they discussed him coming to work for them.

We left with Lucas giving them his information and taking an application. We went home and he sent them a resume and an email thanking them for their time. This was so unexpected!

After getting Lucas' application the manager called him and they set up an in-depth interview for the Tuesday two weeks later. After what felt like the longest wait ever, he went to the interview, was gone for hours, and came back saying it went really well and he really really wanted the job. He was excited about it and said they had set up a second interview/test thing for the end of the week, last friday. He had to memorize a script and present it to the manager as if he were assisting a family. He nailed it, of course, and when he came home to me pacing the floor, he handed me a letter and said, "now they want me to memorize and present this" I started reading the letter, a little disappointed how long the hiring process was, when I realized that the letter was actually  OFFERING the position to him! Tricky husband!

I was SOOOO happy! Lucas was grinning ear to ear and you could tell he felt so good about it.

This position is perfect for him. He wants to do something that will mean something to people. He wants to be able to provide for our family while making a difference. Well, in this position he will work with families to make sure that when they lose a loved one, that they are eased through the process of making final arrangements and helping them through showing compassion and making their services meaningful and beautiful. He will be able to talk to people from a place of honest understanding, having had first hand experience not only with a very serious loss, but with that cemetery, and with the processes there!

He said to me, "You know, when you are in that position, and mourning, the last thing you want to think about is all the details and about arranging this stuff. Remember, Amber? You just dont feel capable of making decisions. We just wanted people to help us and make decision for us and get things done because you just cant care. Well now I can help people because I understand exactly."

He's so great. One of the things I am most excited about is that he will start there as soon as they get his background check in, he will easily be able to provide for us, so we can move to our own place, get our homestudy quickly done, and move towards growing our family through adoption! SO EXCITED! Plus, he will be making enough that when we do adopt, it will be no problem for me to be able to stay home and raise our children. We are very blessed.

Its funny, had we remembered about our first appointment, the conversation never would have led to us learning about the open position. We would have walked out of there and missed the opportunity completely. Plus, with the new manager being there, even if it HAd come up, she was brand new and was not ready to begin interviewing and hiring to fill the open spot. It was as if something KEPT us from remembering our first appointment, and then this perfect job fell into our lap, or should I say, was dropped into our lap by someone who has more of a hand in our lives than we may sometimes think.

~Happy~ Happy~ Happy ~Happy ~Happy~

TWO

We had two second birthdays in the  past couple weeks! On the 19th was Moose's birthday!

Maybe its silly to care about a Dog's birthday, but we love him and love having a day to celebrate him! He got bacon and tons of attention, he got to hang his head out the window on a drive in the car for much longer than usual, and he got to go outside at the slightest of whine. Lucky pup!


More importantly, on the 22nd of July was our sweet Molly's SECOND Birthday!

I cannot believe that it was two years ago that I first saw her beautiful face and held her close to me.
In a weird way if feels like I met her many many years ago, like I was never NOT Molly's mom. In other ways, its shocking that it was two years ago, because at times the feelings are so fresh and on the surface that it's as if that day happened just yesterday.

To celebrate her birthday, Lucas and I bought her a single pink rose and surrounded it with a lot of "Baby's Breath" It looked so pretty, we were both obsessed with it. We went to the cemetery together.
I love that cemetery, it is SO peaceful and I love going to the place in the world that BELONGS to our babies. We set Molly's flowers in her vase and stood and missed her for a while, and took in how beautiful of a day it was. Then we sat on the grass above her, took a little notepad, and each of us wrote her a letter.
 

It was emotional and cathartic. We both loved it.
I wrote her all the things I would have told her if she were there in our arms.
I cried as I wrote, of course. It felt good to write TO her. Not for anybody else to ever read.
Lucas finished first and held his letter, then folded it up, and placed it in the Baby's Breath above her.
I asked if he wanted me to read it, and he said, "That's okay. Its just for Molly."
I loved that. He wrote a letter that was not for anybody but Molly, and so did I. A letter from her Dad and a letter from her mom.
I finished my letter and also folded it up and placed it next to the rose in her flowers.
It took a bit for my eyes to stop watering, we visited with Kellen, too, of course, while we were there.
 

We believe that their spirits can be all around us, so as we left the cemetery, though it felt silly, I didn't want to leave them. I whispered, "Come with us, kids."
Lucas heard me, and he said "Come on, kids!"

I think the four of us went home together.
It was a good day. We decided to write them letters every birthday, and one day their brothers and sisters will write to them too. Nobody else will read them, and over the years I bet we will all have our own personal relationships with both Molly and Kellen.

Happy Birthday, Molly!
We love you so much, we are so proud of you. You make us better parents, better people, better Christians, happier more loving spouses, and luckier than most.

LOVE and MISS you every single second!

Zippity Doo Da

Earlier this year, my parents relocated to Larkspur, Colorado from their home in Littleton. I grew up in the house in littleton so it was a bit sad to see the house empty and to hear that someone new is now renting it.

Their new house is pretty great, and the story of them  moving there is better put into detail on my sisters blog, if you are interested.

They have six acres with a creepy cave and a pond and some thick "forest" areas, an old chicken coop that my Dad plans to use as an ice skate "shop" for when all the cousins and grandkids come in the winter and want to ice skate on the frozen pond.

Well, being the avid Harry Potter fan that I am, it didn't take long to name their property features.
The house=Hogwarts, of course.
The Chicken Coop= The shrieking Shack (its pretty perfect, actually, and right next to ...
The Messy Forest=The Forbidden Forest
The Pond= The Enchanted Lake
The train you pass on the way to their house= The hogwards express

I will post pictures to help you fully appreciate the greatness of it all.


 I missed our old house even less when one of the first things my parents did when moving in to their new house was to install a 500 foot long zipline across their new property.

Here is Lucas' first ride on it a few weeks ago:

video

AMAZING. I cannot get bored of it.

My whole family is pretty adrenaline addicted, and while this isn't exactly SCARY, its a fun thing for us to get to do at my parents! Our kids are going to be obsessed with going to Grandma and Grandpa Hermann's house!

The other day we brought some of Lucas' family to come ride it, too. Unfortunately it started storming after each person got only one ride, but it was still fun!




The zipline was the star of the show during a family reunion that was last weekend with my Dad's siblings. It had been a pretty long time since they had all been together, so it was good to see everyone. We also rode dirtbikes around the property, ate way too much junk food, and of course told stories and laughed like crazy!

My Grandpa kept calling me "Crash" because while I was on a dirtbike I was going really really fast and didn't give myself enough time to slow down before needing to turn and I crashed into a barbed wire fence, bent a steel rod and got thrown off my dirtbike. I got a bunch of bruises and scratches, limped around for two days, but was fine after all of it.

I love family! I'll post more reunion pictures when I go to my parents house and can use their computer :)

Come to Colorado and ride with me!

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Oh, I see.

Fortunately, I have always had amazing vision.
Unfortunately, after having babies it got a little fuzzy around the edges.
Fortunately, its livable.
Unfortunately, when you're used to seeing better than 20/20, its REALLY frustrating not be able to read street signs until its time to turn or the time on the oven across the kitchen.
Fortunately, I have always wanted glasses.
Unfortunately, I don't look great in glasses.
Fortunately, I once found a pair of purple sunglasses I loved and I want to find something similar. Unfortunately, Glasses are expensive.
Fortunately, eye exams are so fun! I was laughing so hard each time they puffed air in my eyes, which made the techs laugh with at me. I couldnt keep my eyes open and it shocked me so much I just couldn't stop laughing. Who know it was so entertaining to get your eyes checked?
Unfortunately, (or maybe fortunately...)  I can't think of any more unfortuantelies.


I am actually really excited, and mostly just because now I will wear them when I need them but i dont need them all the time, and I also wont need to mess with contacts since i'm not totally blind.

 When I was just out of highschool I bought some nice frames with plastic nothing lenses and wore them with my "smart" outfits (hah!). I found these ugly old 3D glasses plastic frames with no lenses that I wore around as a joke one day and Lucas thought they looked cute. That gave me hope since he's the one that counts!

I told him today that I want to go to an eyeglass place to try stuff on before I order frames online and he said, "I'm okay with that because I will NOT have an ugly wife!"
I laughed so hard, and he answered, "Well I'm getting off the phone now while you think I'm so funny!" :) Smart move.

Here are some virtual glasses pictures.  What's your favorite?







Monday, July 9, 2012

Maybe men dont want to read this.

Emotion always has its roots in the unconscious and manifests itself in the body. 
  ~Irene Claremont de Castillejo



And if you could take every emotion I feel in a day, most of those seem to be tied to being a mother. I'm pretty positive that my body wanted to be a mom so badly, it convinced itself it was pregnant. And me, if I'm being honest with myself. 


The thought of getting pregnant again is very scary. Terrifying. However, as I have researched what happened to Molly and Kellen more, it has seemed increasingly unlikely that this could happen again. Though, that was how we comforted ourselves while pregnant with Kellen. 


Lucas and I talk about getting pregnant as if we were looking under landmines for diamonds. The risk is great, and could really really permanently damage us, again. But we've seen those diamonds. We held them in our hands just before the mines went off. Maybe, just maybe, we could try again? Maybe if we're extra careful, we could get away unscathed. 
Then again, walking up to that mine and picking it up is the first step. You HAVE to risk it in order to ever get that perfect diamond. And to do so now would mean we would be limping up to the mine, unsteady, wounds not yet healed from the last time we tried. So, mentally, we had settled on the idea that we would try again one day, years from now. Risks are less scary when you can no longer strongly feel the pain of a negative outcome. 


In April, my monthly visitor was welcomed with a sigh of relief. 
In May, she did not come.  The week after she was due, Lucas and I started to panic. You could have heard us say "I can't lose another one" over and over had you been a fly on the wall in our room.  The negative tests were a comfort.
By June, when my visitor had still not shown, I was starting to feel a little pang of sadness when three more tests came up negative. Around this same time is when both birth-moms had also stopped contact or picked someone else. Adoption was now also starting to feel like an elusive dream, so a positive pregnancy test would at least be a step in A direction.
By July, I began to believe that the tests were all wrong and maybe I was pregnant. The one BIG clue when I was pregnant was that someone stopped visiting. Well, she still wasn't here. Unfortunately, I had also been losing weight and had no symptoms. 


Today, I took a doctor ordered blood pregnancy test. The results came up negative and on Wednesday I go in to see what's going on. It's probably nothing. Like the quote at the top says, I kinda feel like my emotions are showing themselves in my body. I am a mixture of sad that I'm not pregnant and relief that I might not have to face another tragedy. I still feel fear about pregnancy, though hope is growing. I feel 100% happy and excited and hopeful about adopting. It feels right.


I've been thinking about the first year Lucas and I were married. We started trying to get pregnant just 4 months after we were married. And while, yes, we are parents and we have children who we love with all we have, we still go to bed without tucking in our little ones. We dont kiss any little cheeks or help teach colors and numbers. We are still where we were three years ago when it comes to that. Three years? You never think it will be you...




p.s. This post was meant to be more informative than sad, but I read it to Lucas and he said "Sad one" which surprised me. Don't worry, I'm doing alright. Sometimes writing things out can make it seem like that is ALL you think about, but we are seriously happy. I'm pretty sure we laugh together 90 percent of the time. Also Spider Man is a good movie and Banana milkshakes from sonic are amazingly delicious and in my belly right now. That sums up my evening.