Wednesday, January 4, 2012


Today I started my sophomore year at BYU-I.
At the beginning of the day I had absolutely no motivation and was not feeling like I am ready for school again. Just too many people being nit-picky about too much, ya know?
However, by the end of the day I was feeling excited and happy.

I did someone a favor and ended up in a class with an awesome teacher because of it.
I went to microbiology and I already know about most of the stuff he was talking about.
I almost cried in Family Foundations (I cry at school really easy. If someone brings up being a mother I get teary)
I said the prayer in one class.
I made it to all my classes on time.
I forgot to buy one textbook.
I got to hang out with Lucas for the break between my classes.
I had to use three computers to print a syllabus because they kept freezing.
I used a fourth computer when I remembered to print ALL my syllabus' (syllabi?)
I missed my chemistry group from last year.
I remembered that I like learning.
I walked around and my legs were burning because they are so sore from Insanity.

I sat next to a girl that was super happy and told me how much she loves pregnant women.
She was sitting next to a pregnant girl who was bursting with the news that her still-flat belly was home to a little miracle. She also said that she hopes to have 8 to 10 children. I felt a little teeny tiny knife in my heart.
I'll be honest. I was part of their conversation until she said she was expecting. By the time she was patting her still flat belly I was leaning back in my chair just looking down at my hands resting on my empty notebook. I was happy for her, but I was a bit jealous of how unconcerned she seemed to be. And of the fact that she will probably bring home a baby in 6ish months. I got over it quickly and smiled at her and then paid attention to the teacher instead of to my neighbors giggling about houses full of babies that are easily within their grasp.

It's crazy how 5 months and a tragedy can make you forget that you like school.
Also, I reached a point where my desire to be a nurse is much lower. Not because I don't want to be a nurse, but because right now all I can really think about is being a mother. I hope my motivation comes back before I ruin my gpa.

I came home from school and played with moose at the park for a while.
He LOVES the park. He loves to chase that frisbee.
I love that dog.

(This is not a lie. I took these today and it is January in Rexburg, Idaho)


Stephanie said...

what a strange winter this year! It's been unusually warm here too!
Being a nurse is a lot like being a mom, only you get to be a mom to lots of different people...and get paid to do it. But you'll be great at anything :)

Taylor Morgan said...

Yay for starting school again! I'm sure you'll get back into the swing of things. And you'll basically be the best nurse ever.

Audra Jackson said...

Amber, I was having similar thoughts today about whether I want to continue with the vet tech program because I want to be a mom so bad. HUGS!!! We have no snow here either :(. Good luck with another semester at BYUI!

Jennifer Steinmetz said...

I know what you mean about the girl in your class! Many people marry young and have a baby right away without having to think twice about it. But not us. :) It’s hard to watch things fall into place for other people, while we watch the years pass by and endure disappointment after disappointment (especially in your case). But I kind of think it makes us special, too – I mean, she’ll probably never understand what it’s like to be in your shoes. So instead of being that girl who – completely unaware – makes the knife in someone’s heart dig even deeper, your experience allows you to be the girl that knows how much it can hurt to hear the word “mother.” You can be the girl that makes someone’s day easier, because you know the kind of pain that could be hidden in her heart. You know what true suffering is and what it takes to overcome. You are strong!