Saturday, January 7, 2012

Life crumbles in one...two...three.

Before you read this..I must worn you that I am a whiney mess. I will recover, so you dont have to read this. I just need to vent. I will try and be happier tomorrow.
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Yesterday I was an emotional wreck. I feel like my life is falling apart and there is nothing I can do to stop it. 

I went to my early class and didn't sit next to the pregnant girl. I took  notes on my computer that were really good. After class I waited around and was feeling really shy so I went to the computers in the library and wasted time. I went to my adoption blog. It is still getting traffic, but I worried that it would never be seen by the people who need to see it. 

I had an appointment at 11 with the head of the nursing program. I showed up 15 minutes early. She invited me into her office, and I explained that I was hoping she could help me know my chances of getting accepted, if it would be AT ALL possible for me to get accepted despite being three points below a B in my Anat and Phys class, and to ask if I could switch tracks if I did get accepted in case we adopted a baby. 
She seemed not to care about anything I said. She acted a bit confused as to why I was there. I have been completely dreading re-taking that anat and phys class. It was so much work and it was all online so I had nobody to explain anything to me. I figured a B- was a decent grade and the thought of re-doing all that work seemed like a huge waste of time over three points. 
At first she looked at my transcript and said, "Your grades are good, so are you a CNA already?" I said "No, I wish I was!" She kinda grunted and pulled my transcript closer and circled the B- and said "mmm. You have to get this up. We have to have a B or you can't get accepted. In fact, if you did get accepted I would have to send you a letter that says you cant because this grade is too low" 

It felt like a punch in the face! My eyes betrayed me and immediately started watering. She ignored that I was crying which I hated and appreciated.

I don't have time to get into another anatomy and physiology II class and I really don't have the will. I knew I would have to re-take that class and I wasn't sure I could do it again. I don't think I can ever get into the nursing  program. And even if I did, I hope to adopt while in the program so I won't be able to finish it. Still it felt like a loss.

Luckily, I'm not sure I want to anymore. My goal was to be a nurse in Labor and Delivery. That is now the most emotional and painful place in the world for me, so I have been doubting being a nurse at all. However, I was still going to try since I had come this far. But that meeting was like coming to the end of a very difficult hike. Like my personal path to nursing got cut off way sooner than I wanted it to, but that I also wasn't sure I even wanted to get there anymore. 

I cried the whole way back to my car.

I bawled once I made it to my car. Thoughts kept entering my head of the amount of time I have spent working towards good good goals, the intense effort and emotion I put into it just to have the things I want most ripped away from me. 

I have spent a year working towards the nursing program, and now it seems that is in impossibility. By the time I retake that class, re-apply, start and finish the program now it will be another 3 years. The BYU-I program would be nearly impossible to do anyway if we adopted a baby. I cried about the lost time and effort there. I cried because I have already started working towards more classes to get into the program I can't get into, and now my time felt completely USELESS.

Then I cried about my babies. I cried because I wouldn't even be here if I was at home raising them like I should be. I cried because I have spent 16 months of my life pregnant, and my goal of motherhood has ended with burying my children in the ground.  I cried because I ached for them.

Then I cried because the day before we realized that Lucas' work at Rent-A-Center might end in like 3 weeks to a month. They aren't making enough money so they will close. Then we won't make enough money and we won't qualify for adoption. 

All of my goals seem impossible. Right now it seems like life is telling me that everything I want is wrong. I felt like for some reason it is impossible for me to get anything I want. Especially my children. 

I went home and cried and cried on the phone to my parents. Yes, it was a bit of a pity party. However, I think I needed it. I'm still mourning losing Kellen and Molly. I am  also now mourning not being a nurse (even though I wasn't sure I still wanted it), and I am mourning the fact that I worry that we cant adopt because soon we wont qualify.

Today I am trying to make the decision of staying in school this semester or taking time off to figure my life out and earn some money so that if Lucas loses his job we can survive. Maybe even qualify to adopt. 

I want to be a mother more than I have ever wanted a career. 

Anyway, I had a headache all day from the crying. I ended the day cuddling Lucas until he was tired then I did an Insanity workout, showered to wash away the horrible day, and went to bed. 

I dreamed about Kellen he was helping me escape people who were chasing me. He was guiding me through and telling me where to go. I cried this morning when I realized it. you can read it here.

I'm such a cry baby.

Today I am going to visit Lucas at work, return textbooks I wont need anymore, look for a job, and try to cheer the heck up! I just really need something to go right for me. I need something to happen so I dont feel like life's favorite punching bag. 

Also, my nephew is going to be born today. Kellen was supposed to be born around this time, too. Just weeks after we lost Molly, we had a nephew born. This really has been the same tragedy all over again. We sit at home alone when we should be bringing home a healthy baby. Just hours away, my brother will welcome a brand new baby into his family. Healthy, happy, and perfect. 

I am SO excited to have a new nephew. I will love him as much as I love all my other nieces and nephews. He will always be the nephew who shows me how big Kellen would be. His landmarks of growing up would have been timed with Kellen's, the same way my nephew, Hank, is a reminder of Molly. It is a beautiful thing eventually. But today on his birthday (in  just a few hours), I am a bit sad.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

I just love ya so much, Amber! You and Lucas are probably my two favorite non-family people in the world and you both will be blessed in the most inexpressible ways imaginable someday. But right now, I'm really sorry that life is so difficult. Someday it'll get better, but that someday isn't today, and I'm sorry for that. Just remember that you've come this far, why can't you go wherever you want to go? Even if it takes another three years to become a nurse or have a baby or whatever, you can do it! You are made of incredible stuff and the Lord is daring you to be better, more awesome, stronger than you already are.

Keep throwing the occasional pity party. It's okay to feel your feelings.

Keli Anne said...

Hey Amber. I thought I'd pass on some adoption blog cheer! I showed you this blog once at the hotel. I thought I'd send you the link so you can look at it again. The blog is written by my really good friend Kira. She adopted both her children through LDS Family Services. If you sent her any questions or whatever, I'm sure she'd love to talk to you (she's really wonderful). Have a better day today, okay? And say hi to Lucas! Oh, and here's the link: http://kikiplus3.blogspot.com/ .

Liz-a-nator said...

Here's something going right in your life: You are an incredible friend and an amazing example, and your honesty and courage and balance and humor uplift everyone around you. I'm so grateful for your blog...and I know that I am not the only one. I am uplifted every time I visit it. I also want to remind you of something vitally important: You have so much worth simply because you are a daughter of God. There will be difficult days and months and maybe even years. But you have a loving Father in heaven and two little ones up there with Him, cheering you on. I know things will work out for you.

Jackie said...

Hey Amber, sorry to read you're having a tough time of it. Grief is a funny thing, something will trigger it and you'll cry all day. Such a shame about your class though. I'm not a religious person myself so I apologise if I'm out of line here, but I wonder if you could do with talking this through and maybe praying with someone from your Church. I suspect that your life is about to take a different road from the one that you had planned, maybe God has something other than nursing in store for you. You're getting upset and disappointed because your plans aren't working out, but what about God's plans? Pray and listen Amber, trust that God has your best interests at heart.

2 + 2+1 = 5 said...

You know...in many ways, this whole nursing nightmare reminds me of my husband's life. We met when he was 27. he had spent 3 years in school working torwards a dental school dream. He took all the prereqs and got unbelivable grades...and then...he was at Walmart one night and saw a woman who was a smoker and had mouth cancer. It was that moment when he realized, he could not be a dentist.


That led him on a very long journey to find himself. VERY LONG...

Almost 7 years after the Walmart incident...I found an old journal of his from when he was a little boy. The first entry was from when he was 9, then 12, and then....18. All of them said about the same thing...how he dreamed of being a lawyer.

So, I told him that together, we were going to make that dream come true. I quit school, got a full-time job...while he quit working full-time and went back to school as a freshman all over again because the 3 years he did were absolutely useless.

And...here we are...Stace in his late 30s...about to finish law school. All thanks to the lady at walmart....who saved him from a life of unhappiness in his profession.

This whole story to tell you that sometimes...life forces you to make the decisions you truly want to make....but just can't come around to. Maybe it's the leap of faith necessary to bring to pass what your future really will be!

I always think of Nephi on 1Ne4:6!

Manu (Gunilla's sis)