Friday, January 13, 2012

Like a candle.

I have spent the morning cuddling Moose and reading my old blogs from after losing Molly. I had forgotten how hard it was. I mean, it was hard and I remember the pain. I remember the day we lost her, however the feelings in the months following kinda started fading because I have tried to focus on and remember the good days.

This may sound weird, but I kinda comforted myself today. I looked back and remembered that I DID have the same social anxiety and inability to get out of my apartment after Molly. Then, just like now, I would look around at other babies at church or around town and see them as incredible miracles, I would be so proud of and excited for their mothers, but a little saddened because I wanted my children here so badly. I felt the same desire to feel happiness again, but sometimes I really did only want to break down and lose it because deep down my heart is still broken.

I wanted to heal, but I wanted to feel. I felt and feel stuck between those two wants.

I had the same guilt about looking forward to having more children because I wanted to give Molly all our thoughts and time. I had a hard time wanting to expand our family because then Molly would be a smaller percentage of it. This time, I feel the same way. I have felt guilt about wanting to adopt so soon because I don't want to take away from the time we are hurting for Kellen. I struggle knowing that with new children, our sweet Kellen is in the past.

Luckily, as I read my old blog posts, I was able to tell myself that when you have another baby the love you feel for the first does not lessen. If anything, it gets stronger. My mom likes to explain having kids like lighting candles. You light the first one and you wonder how anything could possibly make your life as warm and bright. But then you use that candle and you light another candle. Suddenly you have two flames that are burning just as bright as the first did originally. The first candle's flame is the same as it was before. The only difference is there is more light in the room because there is another candle. More light in my life because of another flame. The more candles you light, the more light in my life. Yet my love (or the flame) on each candle is the same and equally bright no matter how many I light. 

I believed the candle metaphor when she told me, because I had seen and felt how deeply she loves all of her six children. However, I didn't really understand it until we got pregnant with Kellen. I love Kellen as infinitely as I love Molly. I think of both of them every day. When we adopt a baby, or have another, my love for them will also know no bounds. It is possible to be completely consumed in love for more than one person.

Right now I talk about two things with Lucas nonstop. I talk about possible life changes (still praying about it) and about adoption. I check my email 5,000,000 times a day just in case someone is contacting us about a placement. I have had a few friends send me possible adoption opportunities and I have contacted all the social workers involved. However we haven't had our home study done yet and through most non LDSFS agencies we simply don't have the financial means, so we have been unable to go very far. Adoption is very emotional. I have spent days with each opportunity we hear about driving around wondering, Is that our baby? Does that baby belong with us? Is that our next candle?

I am so excited to have another little "flame" to light up and warm our lives. It's just about all I think about. I think about the candles in my life already and the ones I hope will join us. It's really a warm and comforting thing to think about.


Rachel said...

I have been there, checking my email 10,000 times a day. The waiting with adoption is SO HARD. The wondering and the what ifs. Hang in there!

Anna Harrison said...

Great analogy! I love it!