Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Starting Kellens Book

I have been procrastinating making Kellen's memory book for a year and a half.
I made excuses to myself like, We are moving, Half my stuff is in storage, I don't have time, and I haven't printed his pictures yet.
I did go buy scrapbooking stuff. I have collected baby boy ribbons, stickers, stamps, and paper. My collection piled higher and higher. Good friends sent me gift cards to get supplies to make his book. I got some super cute stuff and I imagined the beautiful book I would make. But I couldnt start it;  I kept making excuses.

The real reason I haven't started making his scrapbook is because I dont want to finish it.

I was surprised when, after working on Molly's book for a whole year, I came to the last page and I cried my eyes out. I didn't want to be done with it. I would never have another picture of her. I didn't have another gift to give her. I didn't let myself finish the last page for weeks, and when I finished it I cried again.

So, when we lost Kellen, I knew I wanted to make him a memory book. However, I also knew deep down that finishing the book made it all feel so final. It felt good to have something lingering that I can do for my son; to have something physcial and mom-ish to give him. So I let time pass, with this nagging feeling of  'I REALLY need to get that done!'  feeling just as comforting as it was encouraging.

Well yesterday, I bit the bullet. By this time with Molly I was finished with her book. I also would like to have Kellen's book finished by the time this baby is born. That gives me 4 months compared to the 12 I had with Molly's. I finally printed all his pictures. I hunted for all his ultrasound pictures and hospital bracelets. I opened his box and got out his handprints and footprints.

It took me a few hours, but I finally finished page one.

It wont be too long before I will be ready to finish this book too. To be honest, I still dont want to, I haven't accepted it. So, I will add to it over time; maybe adding letters I write to him, pictures of visits to his grave, pictures our kids will draw for him, things we did on his birthday.
We'll do the same for Molly. So, this gift to my children will never be done; and that's the way I like it.