I have pretty bad social anxiety right now. That is obvious to anyone who comes near me and watches me squirm and listens to me talk at a million miles per hour.
So today I sat in the back of the chapel at church (I snuck in after in started so hopefully not too many people would see me. I was trying to avoid being bombarded by well-wishers which would lead to me crying through the whole day.)
It's Fast Sunday, so people from the congregation are free to get up and share their testimonies of the gospel and the miracles and things that touch their lives. It's usually a very emotional week ever since we lost Molly. This was the first Sunday for me to go to church at the family ward (Lucas goes to a young single adult ward for his calling). Sitting there alone is lonely.
I started really nervous at church and hoped nobody would see me. After the sacrament I had planned to go home so that listening to the testimonies of my friends wouldn't make me lose it. However, I felt more comfortable there than I imagined. The spirit was strong and I was impressed as we listened to the things that people shared.
Then out of nowhere I knew I needed to stand.
WHAT?! The thought of it made my heart start beating so hard that I could hear it in my ears. My face got warm and I knew it wasn't going away. I just wanted to listen to other people, and now I had a feeling I needed to get up.
So when there was just a minute left I stood up and tried not to make eye contact with anyone. I could feel eyes on me and it made me want to throw up.
But I made it to the stand and I honestly dont know what I said other than that I felt at home at church today and couldn't leave as I had planned because the spirit was strong. I shared that I was thankful for people bringing the spirit because I never feel at home anywhere right now. However, I do feel at home around the spirit because feeling close to God is the best way for me to feel close to my children. I dont know if I made any sense or if I could be heard over my own sniffling and crying. However, it was a HUGE step for me. I can't believe I got up in front of everyone.
The important thing, though, is that I know the LDS church is the true church. It is the teachings of the gospel of Jesus Christ that lead to real and lasting happiness. I have no doubts about it. It is through Jesus Christ I get my babies back. It is because of the Prophets of God that we know revealed TRUTH that heals both mine and Lucas' hearts.
Even social anxiety and grief can't change what I know. It felt good to share that.
Oh, and I laughed today.
Lucas is having a rough day. He went to bed when he got home because he is feeling it a lot more than usual and emotions are exhausting. (This is not why I laughed. I'm a better wife than that-haha)
So I have been letting him sleep but I missed him and wanted to be near him so I snuck into the room and layed next to him.
Moose followed me and jumped on the bed.
Lucas started waking up. I hugged him. Moose jumped up onto his chest and started licking his face.
Not a bad idea, Moose. I licked Lucas' face a little bit too. He did not love it- but I did.
I could tell he was not waking up for good so I decided to get Moose and let him sleep a little more. So I whispered quietly to Moose ,"Hey where's your ball? Let's get your ball."
Then randomly my sleeping husband lifted his hand in the air.
"It's right here."
Moose's ball was flashing tons of colors in his fist.
What the heck?! Were you sleeping with his ball?