Friday, December 2, 2011

I am where they are

It took me a year to make Molly her scrapbook. In fact I'm still not 100% finished because I have to add the pictures from visiting her headstone on her birthday.

Today I decided to go to the craft store here and buy Kellen a scrapbook and some pages and accents for baby boys. Afterward, I would return the video Lucas and I watched last night.

I was at the craft store for about an hour.

I could not pick a scrapbook that was perfect enough. I finally held onto a green one with a window for his picture in the front.

In the baby accents area everything said things like, "Happy Baby!", "Bringing Home Baby", "First Bath", and "Look who's crawling!". Though I know they didn't apply to us, I touched them all.
There are sticker sheets full of things like bottles and diapers and cribs. All are things we have and all are things we have never used.
I stood in front of the stickers, accents, and paper for what I'm guessing was around 45 minutes.
I could not decide. Nothing was right. Nothing was Kellen's.
I could not function. I kept picking things up and putting them back.
Most the time I just stared at the wall wishing a section would magically appear for "Remembering the babies we loved and lost" -- Maybe then I would feel less like the exception to the rule that "CONGRATULATIONS" is appropriate for every single baby sticker book.

Remember my old job at SpringHill Suites? Well my General Manager there has the most wonderful wife. She saw me standing there overwhelmed and looking like a fish out of water. She called my name and came and gave me a hug. She gave me the familiar look that said she wished she could do something for us and she was so sorry. I appreciated it. Because I was already surrounded by baby stuff and reminders that MY baby wasn't there, I cried. Familiar faces tend to bring out tears.

After she left I realized that it is too soon. I put back the green scrapbook I had carried around. I walked back through the glitter of the holiday decorations and went out the door. It was just too soon. I called my mom to hear her tell me it's okay that things take time.

Then I drove home. When I parked I remembered that I was supposed to return a movie.
I sat there for a minute, shook my head, and started the car again and drove back across town. The movie store is closed. I pulled on the locked door as if it would make the store open before I realized they had a "night drop" thing in the wall. I returned the movie and finally went home.

My friend Carrie reminded me the other day that after losing Molly she watched me try to warm up some corn dogs and what should have taken me 5 minutes took like half an hour or so.
Going to the craft store today was, for me, what making corn dogs was 16 months ago. 

I feel like a stranger in my own town. My own apartment is much too quiet. And my head and heart are split-- half wherever Lucas is, and half in heaven with Molly and Kellen. It's no wonder I can't get anything done when I'm by myself. My spirit is not here, it is not with me right now. I am a shell.

I'm somewhere else.

My mom reminded me today that my children are all around me. They can be sitting by me on the couch. They can be standing with me at the store. So if they are here with me, maybe I'm not so far away. Maybe I'll be back to being me sooner, as long as they stay nearby.

Knowing that they are close helps me feel like getting back into life wont be so hard. Nobody else has to see them for me to find comfort in them being around. My friend Kristin said, "Every day gets different, not easier." That is SO SO true. I can handle whatever each day brings if I remember they are HERE.
Thinking of their perfect spirits being with me makes me so happy. I love them.

Lucas dreamed about Kellen. He had very blonde hair and bright blue eyes. He said he was beautiful. <3 <3


Ceci and Steven said...

Oh Amber, I LOVE you and wish I could hug ALL of your pain away. And YAY, I have been totally praying that you guys would see them in your dreams, wait your's coming. :)

Jackie said...

Nothing new to say Amber, other than this complete stranger is still thinking of you every day, and wishing you the strength to get through your day as best you can.

Amanda X said...

I think you guys are doing great. I couldn't imagine returning to 'daily life' after what you both have been through. I wish there was more I could say. Something I could do to take your pain away.

I came across this quote a moment ago and immediately thought of you two.
"The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude."
Taken from a talk from Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin, called "Come What May, and Love It".

You will be with Molly and Kellen again. xoxo