Friday, December 16, 2011

Pictures and a Full Cup

I have looked at Kellen's pictures so many times today.
It is a strange feeling to look at his little body.
Every part of me wishes I could see that tiny chest moving up and down full of air.
I want to see what color his eyes are.
I want to hear his cry.
But usually, the only cry I hear is my own as my fingers touch his face in the photo.
Pictures of Kellen is what fills my mind and my time right now.

I remember the picture stage with Molly, too.
At about this time after we lost her it was what I turned to when things start getting back to normal.
When I feel happy and normal during the day I looked at her pictures to remember why I am me.
To remember the feeling of holding her.
I didn't want to feel normal again, because she made me more.
I look at pictures to have something to remember them.

I love pictures because they help me remember what is unique about the two days I had with my children.
I remember that I loved Kellen's tiny little chin.
I loved Molly's beautiful lips.
I loved that Kellen had huge shoulders like his dad.
I loved that Molly had tiny legs like her mom.
I loved that Kellen kicked so much, he was so wiggly.
I loved that Molly fought to be with us for two hours, breathing on her own.
I loved that they both had strawberry blonde hair.
I loved that they both had super long fingers.
I loved the way they looked like each other.

That is why I love pictures.

But, I love the way they feel.
I love that Molly feels calm, she feel kind, and she feels strong.
I love that Kellen feels brave. He feels patient. He feels witty.
 I love that they make us better.
I love the way thoughts of them being our children makes me so happy.
I love that they are ours to miss.
I love their names.
I love their pureness.
I love that they make me a mother.
I love them.

What I had of them was temporary- it was fleeting and is in the past.
But the love I have for them will ALWAYS BE PRESENT.
Never loved, but always love.
Always. Every day. Every second. 

I think, because we have gone through this before, we have come to a sort of peace about Kellen quicker than we did with Molly.  Part of me feels guilty about that, like I owe them equal sorrow time. But at the same time, I am wiser now. The things that we know make us so proud of Kellen and Molly, so equally in love with them both that we are finding that our acceptance that Kellen was taken is very nearly matching the acceptance we have found that Molly was.
We find joy in the thought of them being together.
It has helped us to see a future here sooner than we did last time.

Thinking about adoption has brought a new hope to us. We are very aware that it will be a long and difficult journey. To us that means we just keep walking on this already difficult path. We are no strangers to this path. Our road to parenthood was meant to be difficult, so adoption will fit right in. It will be hard to wait. Hard to deal with the red tape. Hard to know that somewhere there are birth parents who's loss is our joy. 
However, we know that in the end the Lord will have his hand in everything, and our children will find us.
Today I found out that the fees to get started with the adoption process and to do the home study and fill out the paperwork will cost quite a lot of money. That is extra money that we don't have. The thought of saving that made us feel like it would be so long to pay the initial fee that I got discouraged. Then today I found out that a wonderful family member has given us a donation to help ease our burdens.  They didn't know it, but the amount they gave was the exact amount we need to save.

My mom told me today and I burst into tears. I couldn't even say anything to her on the phone because I was so happy. I just cried and cried. People are good. The Lord blesses us. It felt meant to be. 

We don't want to "jinx" it, but we have felt so pushed towards adoption right now. It feels early but it feels strangely right. Then as we have researched it and talked to people and then this blessing today, it has seemed that there is a reason everything is coming together right now. Everything has been unexplainably perfect. Who knows, maybe it is working quickly because we need to feel hope for the future to heal. Maybe it is because there are children out there who needs us sooner than we expected. I dont know why and I no longer ask why, but I'll take it. 

So much gratitude today, it feels great.


HILandERIK said...

Complete stranger here...but I wanted to let you know how much I admire you & your husband (I get a sense of who he his thru your words). I can't imagine going thru what you two have gone and are going thru. But you are an example for all! That thru hard & sad trails in life, there is still so much joy & happiness to be appreciated in our lives. I hope I can take your example & use it in mine. That even though life at times is difficult, I can find the simple things to make me smile and happy. To enjoy life moments now. Your humor, strength, humility & honesty has been uplifting to me. So I just wanted to say thank you for sharing. I know it helps me and others too. I hope & pray things will progress with your desire of adoption. - Hilary

Keeley Farrell said...

So great to hear that you and your husband are beginning to heal. My parents had many years of difficulty having another child and I was a single child for 15 years. When I was 15 my sweet baby brother was born. But in between those years my parents and I had many foster children and with each one we hoped that they would become a permanent part of our family. The first child we had since she was a newborn and she meant the world to us. We fought hard to get her to become a permanent part of our family. It was not meant to be. I will never forget the day that we had to give her over to her druggie mother in a half way house of sorts. It felt so wrong at the time, but over the years we have realized that she was not the girl that was meant to be a part of our family. Don't get discouraged, adoption and foster parenting can be hard, but it's also incredibly rewarding to know that you cared for a child that needed you for a certain amount of time. About 3 1/2 years ago we began fostering a 6 month old girl named Ella. She became a permanent part of our family and we were sealed as a family in the Denver temple. Things will always work out the way they are meant to in the end. I wish you many blessings and joys. Have a wonderful Christmas!

Kelsi Fullmer said...

So glad things are looking up :)

Joseph Smith taught:

"The mother who laid down her little child, being deprived of the privilege, the joy, and the satisfaction of bringing it up to manhood or womanhood in this world, would, after the resurrection, have all the joy, satisfaction, and pleasure, and even more than it would have been possible to have had in mortality, in seeing her child grow to the full measure of stature of it's spirit...When she does it there, it will be with the certain knowledge that the results will be without failure; whereas here, the results are unknown until after we have passed the test."

Erica said...

Amber, you probably don't remember me but you know my family. I first wanted to say that I am in awe of your strength, honesty and ability to see the Lord's hand in all that you and your husband have gone through. I have had the blessing of an unexpected adoption miracle in my life and I wanted to encourage you to just keep going. If you feel that you are directed to go forward with this process- do it. I wish you the best and please let us know if there is anything we can do to help. Trust in the Lord like you have done in the past and all will be well.

Melissa said...

I felt the same way grieving after our second loss, about the guilt and feeling they deserved "equal" time, but I think you are right in that because you've done this before you know what is right and healing for your journey. We lost our son Chase at 10 weeks so we certainly didn't have many more months to bond with him like you did with Kellen, but the more I talk to people about second losses the feelings are the same. I am so glad things are looking up in regards to adoption for you!