I was on autopilot a little while ago and I uploaded all our pictures of Kellen to the page "Kellen's Pictures". However, when Lucas saw them there he asked me to remove them. He said he wasn't ready to let everyone we know share that moment with us.
Feeling as though I had been insensitive and careless I understood, agreed, and took them down.
Today, I remembered I had pictures of Kellen on my phone. Lucas also has many on his phone. One day I am sure we will share them all, but today I will show you one that made my heart skip a beat.
I love my son. I miss him like crazy today.
I have had three people write me and tell me that they have had dreams about Kellen, and one recently who had a dream about Molly. I love hearing that others are being moved by and dream about my children. Except, everytime I tell Lucas about the dream that a friend or family member had about one of our kids he has the same response, "It's not fair. I want to dream about them. I want to see them."
I agree. We haven't dreamed about them. We are aching to see them, even in a dream. Finding these pictures I forgot were on my phone was kinda like dreaming about him on demand. It felt good. It also made me sad.
I didn't manage to go to work today. It's 1 o'clock and I'm still in my pajamas, moose is beyond bored staring out the window. Lucas is at work. And I'm sitting here blogging and staring at pictures of Kellen. This complete lack of motivation is really making me guilty. It would help if I had a job I didn't hate. Or if I felt like going to work is what I should be doing- instead of the feeling I have that I should be home raising my kids. I can't seem to convince my body, feelings, or spirit that my kids aren't here. It is hard to listen to the part of me that obviously knows they are in heaven. The logical realistic part. That part of me says, "Staying home is helping nobody. You are wasting time and being idle. You need to get off the computer and go to work. You need to help Lucas make some money. You need to just FACE it." But the REST of me says, "It's been two weeks. Just take it easy. Barely keeping it together is enough work for now. Those other distractions will never succeed at distracting you from what has happened. Face it when you're ready."
My friend Kristen just said to me, " It's hard to go back to the everyday when something that made your life very special is missing." Exactly. Sad today.