Tuesday, November 29, 2011


I was on autopilot a little while ago and I uploaded all our pictures of Kellen to the page "Kellen's Pictures". However, when Lucas saw them there he asked me to remove them. He said he wasn't ready to let everyone we know share that moment with us.

Feeling as though I had been insensitive and careless I understood, agreed, and took them down.

Today, I remembered I had pictures of Kellen on my phone. Lucas also has many on his phone. One day I am sure we will share them all, but today I will show you one that made my heart skip a beat.

I love my son. I miss him like crazy today.

I have had three people write me and tell me that they have had dreams about Kellen, and one recently who had a dream about Molly. I love hearing that others are being moved by and dream about my children. Except, everytime I tell Lucas about the dream that a friend or family member had about one of our kids he has the same response, "It's not fair. I want to dream about them. I want to see them."

I agree. We haven't dreamed about them. We are aching to see them, even in a dream. Finding these pictures I forgot were on my phone was kinda like dreaming about him on demand. It felt good. It also made me sad.  

I didn't manage to go to work today. It's 1 o'clock and I'm still in my pajamas, moose is beyond bored staring out the window. Lucas is at work. And I'm sitting here blogging and staring at pictures of Kellen. This complete lack of motivation is really making me guilty. It would help if I had a job I didn't hate. Or if I felt like going to work is what I should be doing- instead of the feeling I have that I should be home raising my kids. I can't seem to convince my body, feelings, or spirit that my kids aren't here. It is hard to listen to the part of me that obviously knows they are in heaven. The logical realistic part. That part of me says, "Staying home is helping nobody. You are wasting time and being idle. You need to get off the computer and go to work. You need to help Lucas make some money. You need to just FACE it." But the REST of me says, "It's been two weeks.  Just take it easy. Barely keeping it together is enough work for now. Those other distractions will never succeed at distracting you from what has happened. Face it when you're ready."

My friend Kristen just said to me, " It's hard to go back to the everyday when something that made your life very special is missing."  Exactly. Sad today.


Christie Smathers said...


"Be Patient with yourself"

Harlowe said...

He's so beautiful, I just want to hold his little hand and rub his fuzzy hair. Give yourself time, no one worth their weight in your life will judge you for that.

Stephanie said...


"How long have I been in this storm?
So overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form
Water's getting harder to tread
With these waves crashing over my head

If I could just see you
Everything would be all right
If I'd see you
This darkness would turn to light.."

I don't know if you've heard this song but it made me think of you today, it's by Lifehouse.

It HAS only been 2 weeks, that's not very long, even if it can feel like a forever of grief. No one is judging you for not 'getting back to routine' You are different, your family is now different. Take it a day at a time.

Ashley Sullenger said...

I was led to your blog tonight. I'm so so sorry. I lost our only daughter at the time, just a few days before you lost Molly- July 16, 2010. So we've both been grieving for some time. I'm so sorry, about your little guy Kellen. My heart breaks for you, literally. I can't imagine going through it all over again. Looking at your pictures at the cemetery, reading about studying every detail of you sweet baby boy all hits too close to home.

Don't feel guilty about anything, I still have my days when all I want to do is miss Preslee and cry. I don't know if you've seen this but this is a great article. http://www.reviewjournal.com/lvrj_home/2006/Feb-26-Sun-2006/living/5987837.html

Hang in there, sending prayers your way from a mom who understands.

Ashley Sullenger

P.S. Have you heard of the angel blog? It's a private blog of mom's who have lost kids. If you're interested in it e-mail me at ash_sidd@hotmail.com

Rachel said...

When my mother passed away, people often told me that they had dreams about her. I had the same reaction as Lucas...it's not fair-why can't I dream about her? I prayed so often that Heavenly Father would let me see a brief glimpse of heaven, so I could see her and know where she was. I felt almost angry that other people were able to dream about her and I wasn't. I came to the conclusion that Heavenly Father knew it would be too difficult for me to wake up after seeing her in a dream. I wouldn't have been able to move forward.

You express your grief so beautifully in writing. Please know that you are in my prayers. You are amazingly strong, and take all the time you need.