Monday, November 28, 2011

Back to it?

Today life is supposed to go back to the way it was before Kellen. Lucas got up and went to work. I'm physically healing enough that I could probably go back to work.

But, I couldn't do it. I couldn't go there and face the people who just weeks ago told me how cute my belly was. I can't go back to the job that was just a temporary solution to affording Kellen, but is now the only thing I have to fill my time with for a long time to come.

I dont want to start life again. I want to have everything in life revolve around my children all the time, but how can it when they aren't here? It is hard for me to accept that I'm going to have to leave this apartment eventually. I'm going to have to face people. Answer phone calls. Answer emails. I'm going to have to face that we are here and our kids are there.

Luckily, we are feeling okay. Overwhelmed by life moving on. Mad that the Earth still spins. But, we are in pretty good moods. Lucas and I have laughed ourselves crazy. (Laughing totally hurts a healing c-section) We feel loved and light. We feel that we know the steps to start recovering from another loss.

But I dont want to start yet. I want to look at pictures of him. I want to write about him. I want to talk to him. I want to look at pictures of her. I want to write about her. I want to talk to her. That's about all I have a desire to do.
I'm so blessed to have a husband who is stronger than me. He goes to work because we need it. He is able to go into the world and pretend we're okay. Why can't I face it?

Maybe, I'll start small. Today I'll do the dishes and go to the bank. Then I'll answer an email. Maybe tomorrow I'll talk to my job about when I'll go back.

6 comments:

Ceci and Steven said...

You seriously are amazing. You're stronger than you think. You've already done things not many of us are strong enough to do and you're doing those things as we speak. There is a strength about you that is not found just anywhere. But take your time...do what you need to do, don't jump into things just because that's how the world thinks they have to be. It's ok to want to baby step your way back into it. Keeping you two in our prayers. I love knowing that you are being watch over though and that prayers are answered. Love you Amber!

Ceci and Steven said...

I meant to say that *many of us AREN'T strong enough to do...* not that we are :)

Stephanie said...

Take your time. You have been through indescribable difficulties, regardless of what anyone thinks, or how you may feel they think, you know when you are ready to leave your apartment, or to go to work or whatever! Let yourself heal body mind and soul before letting the world in, or going out into it. You don't need to prove anything to anyone, you need to take care of you. (..and maybe Moose..) You'll know when you are ready, and it may be in two more weeks or two months or longer but don't rush yourself, it'll happen when its time.
Love you!

Liz-a-nator said...

One day at a time, one step at a time. You are doing amazing things.

Kelsi Fullmer said...

I look forward to seeing you! You are such a fun person to be around, there is a light about you that makes people feel comfortable and easy to talk to. You are so strong. Your story has touched so many lives and will continue to do so, you are an incredible writer. I hope you know that your ward family sincerely loves you!

Kim Houle said...

Amber! I want you to know how much you have touched my life in the last couple years. You are the absolute strongest person I know. It has only been two weeks since you lost a second child. You should not have to answer to anyone if you are not ready. People deal with things in their own way and God has made you face the unimaginable. Take your time getting back into life. Do it on your terms. You will always be in my heart and in my prayers. Remember your children love you and are always going to be with you until the day you get to hold them in your arms again. As far as your job goes, if you dont want to face people at your work why not when your ready try somewhere else. Start new. Just follow your heart and take the time that you need to heal! I love you!