Today life is supposed to go back to the way it was before Kellen. Lucas got up and went to work. I'm physically healing enough that I could probably go back to work.
But, I couldn't do it. I couldn't go there and face the people who just weeks ago told me how cute my belly was. I can't go back to the job that was just a temporary solution to affording Kellen, but is now the only thing I have to fill my time with for a long time to come.
I dont want to start life again. I want to have everything in life revolve around my children all the time, but how can it when they aren't here? It is hard for me to accept that I'm going to have to leave this apartment eventually. I'm going to have to face people. Answer phone calls. Answer emails. I'm going to have to face that we are here and our kids are there.
Luckily, we are feeling okay. Overwhelmed by life moving on. Mad that the Earth still spins. But, we are in pretty good moods. Lucas and I have laughed ourselves crazy. (Laughing totally hurts a healing c-section) We feel loved and light. We feel that we know the steps to start recovering from another loss.
But I dont want to start yet. I want to look at pictures of him. I want to write about him. I want to talk to him. I want to look at pictures of her. I want to write about her. I want to talk to her. That's about all I have a desire to do.
I'm so blessed to have a husband who is stronger than me. He goes to work because we need it. He is able to go into the world and pretend we're okay. Why can't I face it?
Maybe, I'll start small. Today I'll do the dishes and go to the bank. Then I'll answer an email. Maybe tomorrow I'll talk to my job about when I'll go back.