Last week I think Lucas and I were in states of shock. It was hard to feel anything. Slowly, I felt myself feeling more. Like my protective covering is coming off. I thought I knew what emotions to expect, having been through this before. However, I think both of us have been surprised to find that this feels just as painful and shocking as last time. We hurt. It's pain like you wouldn't believe. But our emotion and grief are showing their faces in different ways.
One night last week I cried from the moment I got in bed for hours until I had no more energy and finally fell asleep. Lucas tried to console me, and I went from sadness to anger to acceptance and back again. I woke up the next morning with a face so swollen I could barely see out the tiny slits I had for eyes. The next day I felt better. I felt ready to make peace with what has happened and to accept the blessing Kellen has been given.
I haven't made it a single day without crying.
I also haven't made it a single day without laughing- moments that allow us to breath again.
Then, last night both Lucas and I fought off feelings of anger and self pity as we try and accept this.
It was a hard day to be in my head.
We met with the funeral home where Molly is buried and where Kellen will be buried this week. It was hard to be there again. I'm still not much for making decisions. I began to sweat and feel anxiety as they asked questions to see what we wanted for the memorial service.
Deciding anything is nearly impossible because I know one day I will care what decisions we make this week, but right now it's hard to care about anything but wanting our babies back. Nothing is keeping our attention for very long and everything feels so unimportant. I remember feeling this last year, too. We try to watch a movie and the plot seems pointless. It's hard to care about anything that doesn't involve getting our children back.
I have felt needlessly offended by people who act as though this is less painful because he was still-born, unlike Molly who survived for 8 hours. I have wanted to scream at people who's pained looks are softer than last time, and my grieving side assumes it's because he was more premature than Molly and maybe for some strange reason that makes them believe he was LESS baby, less our son, less important.
I want to tell these people that this is every bit as hard as it was last time. We are just as broken, and in need of support from our loved ones. Kellen is as much our son as he would have been had we held him alive. If we had him for years. He is just as important and loved as any baby is ever loved by their parents.
We do feel the same peace and knowledge that came from study and prayer after Molly, and in that way it is a bit easier. However, we were also caught by surprise as the thing that was about to mend our broken hearts instead was lost, and our hearts broke even more. A healing scar was ripped open, literally and metaphorically.
Luckily, our stages of grief have not been steady, and we keep having moments of feeling pure happiness. These have been blessings I could not have believed.
For example, the plots in the cemetery where Molly is resting fill up depressingly fast. Yesterday we sat and talked with the funeral director who brought us a map of the cemetery so we could pick where to put Kellen. I knew that in the last year it would have filled enough that he would likely be quite far from his sister. She showed us the highlighted space that showed us where our sweet baby girl is resting, and as though it were reserved just for him, there were spaces both above and below her, available for Kellen. I was so happy and felt so blessed that my children would be next to each other that I cried at the table. Then my dad cried, then my mother-in-law cried. It was a beautiful, wonderful surprise.
We went outside and decided to put Kellen right above Molly, and forever that little square of land will hold my heart. It was like a little band aid that their bodies would be together. As though, with them far from one another, it would have actually split my heart into more pieces so I could be with both.
What a blessing.
I feel very weird posting this, but I have had quite a few people ask about where to send donations for Kellen and have not known what to say.
It feels strange to accept money, as though we are being greedy. I have received many kind emails that have touched me so deeply. The thought that so many of you have offered to help our family has blown me away. I am humbled by you, yet again.
Please do not take this as us asking for more help, but rather as a response to those who have shown a desire to give something to our baby.
A friend of ours has given us a gift by setting up a paypal account and blog. You can go HERE to the page she has set up.
Donations for Kellen's grave marker can also be sent to:
Care of: Rent-A-Center
485 N. 2nd E. suite #103
Rexburg, ID 83440
Thank you for everything.