Bitter Sweet

My Nephew was just born a few minutes ago. He was due 7 days after Molly. Molly was born 4 weeks ago today. My sister-in-law, MaShay, and I were pregnant together. It was really fun to compare what we were going through, how we were sleeping, how big our tummies were, our stretch marks, and our excitement.

When Molly died, MaShay and my brother Jason were very sweet and concerned about wanting to be sensitive about how we would feel seeing MaShay and knowing their baby was on his way. And, honestly, I didn't lose an ounce of excitement for them. I still wanted to see MaShay's cute belly, and meet my new Nephew. Lucas and I felt the same way, that seeing a little boy doesn't affect us much at all, its when we see a little girl that our sadness is triggered. So watching her expecting has brough on no bitterness or anger or anything the books say to expect.

I knew MaShay was in labor, and was SUPER excited. I've been anxiously awaiting the news that baby Hank had arrived. I already love him!! I got the text from Jason "He's here! 6 pounds 12 ounces 18 3/4 inches." and got super happy and immediately texted him congratulations and felt a little bit of the happiness that has been missing lately! It feels so good to be so excited for someone!

However, I wasn't expecting what happened just after I settled down from my excitement. I sat at the computer to facebook the good news and saw the background picture of Molly on our desktop. I was hit with an unexpected jealousy, and a painfully strong yearning to have MY baby here too. To send that happy text to the family that SHE MADE IT! I didn't get the happy moment of knowing our family, for now is perfect. For a moment I just let myself sit at the computer looking at her and cry. Lucas is at work and I feel so completely alone. I try to hold my arms as if Molly were in them, and wish so hard that she could appear in them.

I didn't expect myself to get sad when he was born. I didn't think it would affect me, but maybe that was me just wishing I were stronger. It is weird to feel both so very happy and also be so sad at expeciencing one event.

I am very very happy for Jason and MaShay and the proud Aunt of baby Hank. Maybe for now, he is the one who knows Molly the best. And for that reason, I am dying to hold him. I want to kiss his little cheeks and feel his tiny hands and feet. But at the same time I want to run away from everyone that isn't her. I want to run away with Lucas far away and find her. But where can we run? Can we run to heaven? If only.

A lifetime to wait until we can see our Molly again sometimes just feels impossible.




In other news,

The other night I woke up in extreme pain. I got out of bed confused at what was going on, and thought maybe I could just walk it out and paced the apartment for a while in the dark. The pain got worse and worse and worse and I ended up on the floor for about two hours in the fetal position just trying to get through it, but it wasn't going away.

Lucas woke up and noticed I was gone and got up and saw I was in pain. He tried to think of ways to make it go away and said we needed to go to the hospital. The pain was so horrible the idea crossed my mind that it would never go away and I was going to not survive this. The thought for the first time in my life didnt terrify me, but I prayed it wouldn't happen so Lucas would not be left alone.

We made it to the ER around 3:30ish. I was on the floor waiting to be admitted. They got me in and had me answer questions and took my vitals as I was sure my heart and chest were about to explode. I tried to breathe. I got some Morphine (tons of it) and was able to lay and stand still for some x-rays.

Soon a doctor came and told us that he thought I had Gallstones. I would need an ultrasound. we got more painkillers and went home for a couple hours to sleep until we could get an ultrasound to see if that was what was happening to me.

The ultrasound tech only took a second to find my Gallbladder and say "Yeah, there are about a dozen little stones in there"
"how do you get rid of them?" I said.
"They didn't tell you?"
"No. Is it surgery?"
she nods

So tomorrow I take another walk through this continuous "refiners fire" that the last 4 weeks have been and go get my Gallbladder removed. What is weird is that I'm not nervous. I'm not even mad about it.

After losing Molly they could have told me they have to amputate my legs and I would have said "if you need to". I've learned one thing.

We have no control. We just have to accept God's will and know that there is probably a lesson to learn, either for us or for those that observe us, in everything that happens.

And though I know that things could be worse, and that Lucas and I have been blessed in SO SO many ways, sometimes its hard not to just ask. "Why?"