I haven't gotten any work done on Molly's memory book in a long time. I'm not sure when it happened, but it went from being like therapy to being really hard emotionally. The pictures became harder to look at, and any day I spent working on the book became a day I cried on and off for the next two. A couple times I have gotten all my stuff out to work on the book and felt so overwhelmed and emotional I just stand there and cry, or stare blankly and then slowly put everything away.
But two days ago, with a Christmas gift for Lucas as my goal, I decided to get to work again.
The book felt like too much, still. But we have things that can't fit in a scrapbook, or feel too valuable, and I have wanted a shadow box that we can display in our home throughout our life so we will always have Molly's memory close by.
I decided to make the shadow box. So I went to Porters and bought a deep frame with a glass front, and went home and pulled out all of Molly's things, some cute paper, some glue, and some courage.
I got started, and decided to put the things that Molly actually used, touched, or wore in the box so it was as meaningful as I wanted.
I decided on:
*The first picture taken of her, which is also the first time I ever saw my daughter.
*Our favorite picture of Molly, with her breathing on her own, and looking like the angel she is.
*The hospital bracelet she wore around her tiny ankle,
*The hairbrush the nurses used to brush her hair
*A tiny lock of hair tied with a pink bow
* The mold of her footprint, the heel of the print has a drop of her blood on it.
*Her footprint, and her handprint.
*The feather used in her guest book from her funeral.
I did fine as I arranged all her stuff and looked at her tiny footprint. I was really okay. But when it came to displaying her lock of hair I should have, but didn't expect the rush of emotions I felt.
I pulled the lock of hair in the bow out of the baggie it was in, and held it in my hand. I immediately started crying as I realize that I held in my hand the only physical piece of my daughter left. This was the only part of her I had to hold. I held it up and stared at the color, it matched my hair when I was younger. I found the best possible way I could to save it, and finally got it ready in the box.
When I finished the box I felt very emotional and very proud. It feels amazing to have finished something for her. And for Lucas. I wanted to give it to him for Christmas, but suddenly I wanted him to see it so bad that I drove to the hotel to pick him up right away. Here it is :)
I got there and sat in the car while he finished what he was supposed to do, and the music, though it had nothing to do with children, or loss, or anything that should have reminded me of Molly, had me crying again. Lucas got in the car, noticed I was upset and immediately got super concerned and asked what was wrong. I let him know I was just thinking about Molly, again. He held my hand and played with my hair to comfort me. I love that he knows better than anyone that when I cry for Molly that nothing can be said that hasn't been already, and that it wont last forever. He just loves me and lets me feel what I need to feel.
We went home and I couldn't wait. I had him wait on the couch and close his eyes while I got the box, and I brought it out to him.
He opened it and stared at it and said "Oh, wow! It's beautiful, perfect!"
We are hanging it up tonight, and I couldn't be happier!