Single. I have been single in a long time, and while I know that the decision I made was the right one...NOT being Jamie's girlfriend feels weird to me. Like someone gave me a scratchy "single" sweater and I can't get it to fit.
Jamie and I spent our last day together helping him get ready for his trip, and cuddling/crying. We both had our emotions under control most of the day, with only a few random bursts into tears. Once one of us gave in the other would too, until we decided to start doing something else to regain composure. It was so weird, do be able to watch the clock steal away the last minutes of a relationship. I hated that I couldn't stop the clock. Funny how doing the right thing can be so hard. Actually, its not funny at all! It is absolutely un-funny and very unfair. At least we both know that we had a good thing, and that when it ended it was because it was right. The only break up I have had that has ended with both of us having complete love and respect for eachother, and parting because we DO want the best thing for eachother- even if it that means a life not as a couple.
Once we made it to the airport and he got his surfboard checked in and paid for he came out to the car to say goodbye. We hugged and I instantly burst into tears. I know its not the last time I'll see him, but I know its the last time I will see him as my boyfriend. He was really calm and collected, and his eyes watered up. I think he wanted to be strong for me, because if he lost it- then I had no hope of surviving my drive away from the airport and into the unknown and lonely world of single city.
I am hanging out with a friend tonight, he's a boy. Its going to be strange to hang out with someone who isn't Jamie all alone. He is very aware of what is going on with me though, so I'm pretty sure I'll be fine.
Oh, a year and a half isn't that long, but its long enough for me to feel strange in my new scratchy clothes.