Thursday, September 4, 2008


Jason, my older brother, turns 25 today. It's weird watching everyone get older. My younger sister, Emily, is DRIVING. That is even more strange than Jason being 25. I hope its a happy day for Jason!... wont be for me.

I have to say "Goodbye" to Jamie tonight. We had our last dinner and movie night last night, and on the way home I just started crying, but forced myself to stop so I could enjoy my time with him instead of getting snot all over our last few moments. I'm getting really good and controlling my crying. I never used to be so emotional- I hope this goes away once my life becomes less traumatic.

I got up at 6 o'clock today because I wanted to be awake as long as I could today. I wont even see Jamie until the afternoon but i just didn't want to sleep through my last day with him. As soon as I start thinking about the drive to the aiport, or actually leaving- my eyes start watering and I have to snap out of it by thinking of something else completely. I am so so sad/heatbroken.

Its so weird, I have known this was coming, and known it had to come, but have been completely unprepared for how I would feel. I expected to feel sad/lonely/miserable. Instead I feel sad/lonely/miserable/guilty. The guilt of leaving him is worse pain than you can imagine. Its like I know its the right thing to do, but it doesn't make it any easier. I think i know its the right thing....

what am I doing?!

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