Monday, September 8, 2008

I need a blizzard in paradise

I will only live in Hawaii for 8 more hours. It has been 18 unbelievable and amazing months of living in paradise. I came here to work as a nanny. I moved to a life where I knew nobody, didn't know the hawaiian way of life, had zero friends, didn't even know the people with whom I would be living. I was terrified to move here to a world of unknowns. I have always liked change, and the idea of a fresh start was equally as exciting as it was terrifying.

Luckily when I got here it took only a short while and I had made a few close friends, and got into what turned into a long term relationship with Jamie. I LOVED my job, since I was watching the smartest, and most adorable little girl ever to live on the Earth. I promise, you wont believe me until you meet her and before you know it you are wrapped around her pudgy little finger. I'm going to miss holding her little hands so much, she was my best bud here all day everyday. It felt amazing to be excited for work after a long weekend away from that little girl.

Saying Goodbye to Kelsey was rushed, and really really difficult for me. I had mentally prepared myself to keep a wall up so I wouldn't lose my control in front of her and freak her out. I went over to her house (I moved into Jamie's apartment for a few days since he's on a surf trip) and she was getting ready to eat lunch. She talked to me and her Grandma for a while, then they ate lunch. I asked if I could have some time to take Kelsey in the front yard and play with her for a minute and say Goodbye to her. Bill said Yes, and I appreciated it. She got down from her chair and grabbed my hand and we went out to her swing in the front tree. I pushed her in the swing and told her how much I loved her and would miss her.

"where you going?"
"back to Colorado, to see my family. I'll miss you so much"
"I go swimming and then I go with you?"
"I wish you could, but you get to stay here and play with Mommy and Daddy and Grandma and Grandpa"
"I want to go with you"

I want you too. How can I love a little girl so much, who isn't even mine? She was 10 months old when I started and is now 2 and a half. She became my oxygen here. I had a LOT of hard times in Hawaii, but she made it all worth it. If I was sad I could always count on her pressing her face on mine and telling me to not cry and not be sad.

I'll need her next to me on the plane as I fly away from the life I love here. I'll have to pretend to feel her hands on my face and her nose on mine as she calms me down. She can be so truly comforting sometimes I wonder who helped who more. I kept her fed, and safe, and taught her colors and games, and she gave me so so much more than that. I'll miss you my little friend. :(

Jamie already flew away, but I'm sitting her on his couch bawling my eyes out. How can one person feel so lonely? My friend Christian has been spending a lot of time with me, and it has helped keep me happy. He makes me laugh, and I really enjoy his company. Too bad whenever I'm alone this past week I can't keep myself from crying. I need some snow to keep the plane from flying away.

Right before Jamie left he ran to where I was crying in the car and held up his hands in the "I LOVE YOU" sign. I love you too, so much. I'll miss you everyday.

"I love you, Kelsey."
"thanks you. I love you. I LOVE YOU. You're my nanny, you hold me always"

I'm so sad.

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