Stay-at-home-vessel

Turns out finding a job has proved rather difficult. Usually I get jobs really quickly, but being nearly 6 months pregnant has made the task a bit more challenging. Lucas got a job at Rent-A-Center, where he used to work. They rehired him just a few days after we got back from Colorado. HUGE blessing for us. Meanwhile my belly gets bigger and my potential for being hired gets smaller.

I cant help but feel guilty as Lucas gets up early, works 11.5 hours a day, half the week he goes to his church meetings for 2-5 hours at night just to wake up and do it again. Meanwhile I kiss him goodbye, sleep a little longer, play with the dog, look for a job, scrapbook, call family, look for a job, make food, clean the apartment again, take naps, and grow a human inside me.

It makes me feel like this:

 While Lucas is out like this:

Mixed with a little of this:

I am planning on staying home with baby if at all possible, and that is only 17 weeks away, but in the meantime I feel pretty useless. Last time I worked right on up till Molly came.

It also feels a little awesome to be home and give Moose attention and do things I normally dont have time to do. (Only when I DONT think about how little I'm contributing.) It's also probably good to take it easy since I'm kind of high risk this pregnancy.

At least I'm a "Sacred Vessel" haha. It takes all your energy to make a baby!

In an attempt to make a little bit of money I decided to start a teeny tiny business.
I remember driving everywhere in a panic when I got nervous about how Molly was doing. I was desperate to hear her heartbeat and know she was okay. I needed to hear her heartbeat but my insurance would not cover "non-routine" check ups, the doctors office was closed, and I had NO money for an Emergency Room visit. (In the end we did go to the hospital, which was good for us, but I still had the feeling of "there has GOT to be a better way!")

Still every time I hear this little boy's heartbeat I get a rush of relief and joy that I'm pretty sure no other sound can bring. I wanted to make that something that 30295710 pregnant women in Rexburg can get when they are nervous or just want a few minutes of pure joy.

So a while ago we got a fetal heart monitor, like the ones they use at any OB place. We started using it every day and it is the most wonderful thing that lets us listen to our baby. Because I love it so much, I'm fairly confident that others will too.

So I started a little tiny service called Heart to Heart Doppler.

I basically go to women any time they need me and for like 15 or 20 they can listen to their baby for as long as they want. I'm available all day, and I'm MUCH MUCH cheaper than an ER visit.

(I did talk to an attorney to make sure it was legal. It is. I just have to have people sign that they already know they are pregnant before I get there.)

So if you know any preggo's in the Rexburg area, tell them the good news! I would love it!.

So doing that has helped me feel less useless, but its not really a money maker. It just makes me feel good to help people. So far I have had 3 women listen, and I've been flyerin' the town trying to get the word out. Fingers crossed!

Forget Not

Yesterday I got to listen to a WONDERFUL talk from President Uchtdorf, an apostle of the Lord. 

It was really really great. 

I suggest going to LDS.org and watching the clips they have of it there. 

But in the meantime, here were a couple highlights.

"
My dear sisters, the gospel of Jesus Christ is not an obligation; it is a pathway, marked by our loving Father in Heaven, leading to happiness and peace in this life and glory and inexpressible fulfillment in the life to come. The gospel is a light that penetrates mortality and illuminates the way before us.
While understanding the “what” and the “how” of the gospel is necessary, the eternal fire and majesty of the gospel springs from the “why.” When we understand why our Heavenly Father has given us this pattern for living, when we remember why we committed to making it a foundational part of our lives, the gospel ceases to become a burden and, instead, becomes a joy and a delight. It becomes precious and sweet.
Let us not walk the path of discipleship with our eyes on the ground, thinking only of the tasks and obligations before us. Let us not walk unaware of the beauty of the glorious earthly and spiritual landscapes that surround us.
My dear sisters, seek out the majesty, the beauty, and the exhilarating joy of the “why” of the gospel of Jesus Christ.
The “what” and “how” of obedience marks the way, yes, and it keeps us on the right path. But the “why” of obedience sanctifies our actions, transforming the mundane into the majestic. It magnifies our small acts of obedience into holy acts of consecration. "
"As a child, when I would look at the little forget-me-nots, I sometimes felt a little like that flower—small and very insignificant. I wondered if I would be forgotten by my family or by my Heavenly Father.
Years later, I can look back on that young boy with tenderness and compassion. And I do know now I was never forgotten.
And I know something else. As an Apostle of our Master, Jesus Christ, I proclaim with all the certainty and conviction of my heart and soul—neither are you!
You are not forgotten.
Sisters, wherever you are, whatever the circumstances may be, you are not forgotten. No matter how dark your days may seem, no matter how insignificant you may feel, no matter how overshadowed you think you may be, your Heavenly Father has not forgotten you. In fact, He loves you, with an infinite love."
—President Dieter F. Uchtdorf

I have had a hard time writing about this pregnancy.
I really want to write about it, but I dont want to NOT be writing about her. 
I feel guilty writing about my life moving on and not mentioning Molly in every post.
She is, after all, on my mind all day. I miss her every second of every day. 
So, my joy at this pregnancy is real, but reserved.
I have only taken three belly photos, and I took those because I knew I would regret it later if I didn't.
I haven't mustered enough courage to start getting out the baby stuff again.
The last time we set up the crib was the same day we lost her.
I would rather just wait until he's here and safe and then come home and get the nursery ready.
But I am trying to convince myself that it's all in the Lord's hands, and I still need to be prepared.
If he is born healthy and happy we will love him the same as if we lose him too.
Fear is such a stumbling block. 
I just need to remember that it's okay to fall in love again.

I'm 22 weeks already and feeling him moving more and more everyday. Every kick is a comfort.
We really are blessed.

  

I'm seeing Blue

(Lucas just made me realize that the title "Bring on the blues" makes me seem like I am totally disappointed/depressed. This is not the case so he said I must change it. haha.)

Well that many people can't be wrong! We are expecting a little BOY!

I would say that 90 percent of the people we talked to guessed that we were having a boy this time around. It was possibly because last time I had HORRIBLE morning (all day) sickness and this time I have not been sick at all. I have had more headaches than usual, but thats about it! With it being so different it really made everyone think....maybe its a little man in there.

We are absolutely THRILLED. I keep telling people within the first 5 seconds of our conversations. I'm so excited! It is a weird switch to make in our minds, though. We were so used to the idea of raising a little girl first. We saw ourselves as parents with girls and so to be actually raising a boy first is taking quite a mental switch. I'm excited because it might be less difficult this time. With a boy I am less likely to look into his little face when he is born and feel the huge longing for Molly. I'm sure I will feel it anyway, but at least this time it will be a whole new experience. Hopefully a good one. 

The doctor and tech said that my heart shaped uterus isn't that bad. They could hardly tell at this ultrasound that it is curved, which gives me hope. I would love to be able to carry this baby to term, but its a waiting game and we will just have to watch carefully and see what happens. However, so far everything is progressing normally and our little guy is healthy as can be! His heart-rate was spot on and he is a wiggly little thing. He is in the 45th percentile for his size, currently he is 13 oz. 


We already LOVE him!

Have any little boy names you want to share??

Molly's first birthday

           It has taken entirely too long for me to blog about my end of summer vacation. However, we are back in Rexburg after 7 weeks in Colorado and since I no longer have a job I have time between job hunting to blog

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
           As the spring semester ended at school I was overwhelmed with schoolwork and more emotional than usual as the year mark of Molly's birth and passing approached.  I would not say that missing Molly has prevented me from being a happy person. It has in fact, increased my joy because I have a daughter who I love and who I can miss. I feel blessed to be her mother. However, around the end of semester I found myself tearing up at everything. The memories of a year ago were on my mind constantly and I felt like I re-lived that night all day, everyday. (It is quite a dangerous mix to be 3 months pregnant after a loss and meeting the year anniversary of your daughters passing. Add stress of finals and its no wonder I cried about everything.)

      So the last day of finals was the day before Molly's birthday, July 21st. I refused to be anywhere but where she is buried on her bday, and needed a day of driving beforehand. Being in Colorado with her body and with my family is far more important to me than getting a good grade on a Chemistry test. So, I decided to make myself a bit vulnerable and ask if I could take the final early. I didn't want to tell my teacher the exact reason, but just told him that I needed to be in Colorado on the 22nd and that I was helping my neighbor move on the 21st all day so it was incredibly important to me to take the test early.

     He looked at me like I was just like the 20 or so students he sees every semester end who try and make up reasons why they need their final taken early and why it is vitally important for them and them alone. I could tell he was doubting my reasoning, though wasn't rude to me. He just said "Well while that is very kind of you to help your neighbor, it is not the trump card. The trump card only deals with family." As he said this, my eyes filled with tears. I was sad that I would have to fail a test and that in order to explain that I really had the trump card I would have to share with him my most personal experience. Unfortunately, the other students around me were listening and noticing I was getting emotional. This made me more emotional. Tears were falling down my cheeks and I just said, "Okay. That's fine. I'm sorry, but I will just have to fail the final and hope my grade is high enough without it."


     My teacher looked surprised and panicked/embarrassed about my tears. I'm sure he was shocked to see how much it meant to me to help my neighbor move, and unable to understand why his comment made me cry instantly. He said "Oh, Amber Amber Amber. I will see what I can do. I'll talk to the testing center." I felt such a rush of relief that I then ***can you guess?*** began to cry even more. My teacher was blushing and went and grabbed a tissue box and realized it was time for class to start. He greeted the class in a more frazzled way than usual, and I tried to force my eyes to stop crying and it was proving difficult.

    My chemistry partners looked at me with serious concern and I tried to make them understand and just said, "Don't worry. I'm fine, really. I'm just three months pregnant and irrationally emotional." They laughed and looked glad to not be pregnant.

     So I ended up taking the final and getting the grade I needed in the class. (I emailed my teacher and explained about Molly, and he emailed back that he understood and I was set up to take the test early.) We was able to be in Colorado after an incredibly long road trip home to Colorado with Lucas driving my neighbor's moving truck and my sister and I following behind. However, we got there in time to settle in, greet our families, and wake up the next morning to allow our hearts and minds to be focused on our angel, Molly.

   It is a weird feeling having everyone wish a happy birthday to her. It is strange to have my arms ache again just like the day she was born. I was incredibly emotional the entire day, but it was overwhelming enough that, surprisingly, I spent most of the morning tear-free and lost in thought.  I wore pink and white for her, and we waited all day until the lighting in the sky would be perfect just before sunset to have a beautiful memorial service at the cemetery.

      I had been nervous about how formal or informal to make the celebration/memorial. I wanted to honor her, and remember her, but I didn't want to ignore the sadness that I was feeling. I also wanted to remember how she has blessed us and how happy she makes us. It is a weird combination of emotions. I wanted to be honest with my feelings and was unsure how to go about it. So, we kept it simple and decided to just go with how we felt in the moment. We picked up a beautiful bouquet of roses for Molly, and three balloons. We wanted one balloon to symbolize each member of our little family. It was much like the balloon release at her memorial, but on a more personal level.

     Once at the cemetery I was happy to feel nothing but peace. I did not feel a rush of sadness or longing. I did not feel angry or giddy. I felt only the same peace that I always feel there. The rest of the world was gone and this was just time with our family. As usual, I took my shoes off when standing over her. As my family and Lucas' arrived we all talked quietly and visited and gave her the flowers we brought. My parents also got her a bouquet and I was very touched.

     It is hard for me to look at her headstone for very long. It is beautiful, but if I give it more than just a glance I cant help but imagine how close she is to that stone that marks her place on the world. Although, I know that her spirit could be right next to me, and that she is free to be with me wherever I am, I long to hold her and hug her, still. Being close to her little body is the best I can do. A few times I found myself tuning out the conversations around me and staring at her headstone and the flowers that, though beautiful, seemed hardly enough of a gift for her. My eyes watered and Lucas pulled me into a hug and kissed me. He rubbed my back, and I closed my eyes and tried to feel her there, too.

  

As people noticed the more reverent atmosphere, conversations died and everyone seemed to turn their thoughts to her. It was a beautiful moment, really. I wiped my eyes and told everyone that I had asked my sister-in-law, Hayley, if she would read a story she wrote for Molly. Hayley nervously stepped to where everyone could hear her, and read us her story. It was beautiful and looking around it seemed to have brought everyone the same feeling of love. I will ask her if I can write the words to her story here so you can read them. It is very well done, and I would love to share it.

    After Hayley read we decided to release the balloons. This was by far the most sweet, and difficult moment of the day.  It had a similar feeling as the day she came to us. Lucas and I held the balloons together. Honestly, I forgot that everyone else was around. Lucas' eyes were watering as we released the pink balloon first and watched it float into the sky. We were both crying as we each let go of our own white balloon and watched them follow the pink one away from us.

     The symbolism was beautiful, and when Lucas finally looked away from them and back at me his voice shook and tears were falling down his face when he said, "It feels like we had to let her go all over again." He rarely loses control of his emotions, so I wrapped my arms around him while he let it out. I know Molly could feel the love her dad has for her.  Lucas and I stood with our arms around each other and told Molly Happy Birthday,  then slowly everyone began to make small talk again as we watched the sun set beautifully.  It was as beautiful as the sunrise the comforted us after she passed.


Sometimes, when you cant think of how to plan the perfect moment, it somehow happens anyway.  I would say this was a wonderful, beautiful and perfect way to honor Molly, and I hope she felt our love.