Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

The other night I was getting ready for bed and I had a strange thought that I should research what might have caused us to lose Molly and Kellen. I have researched it many times before, and normally I come up short. Doctors were able to give us a vague explanation of what they believed happened, but really beyond the doodles they drew for us it was a guessing game. We didn't have statistics, or tests, or facts.

But, then I went to google and went to searching. It didn't take long this time and I found the blog of a girl that looked as though she had my exact story, just if you mixed Molly and Kellen. She lost one baby to an umbilical cord/placenta condition. Her baby was beautiful and perfect until 37 weeks, just a few weeks before her due date, Just like Molly. Then suddenly her baby was gone without warning; she was stillborn, like Kellen. Then the doctors did tests and found that her baby's umbilical cord was attached at the edge and loosely in the membranes, rather than deep and snug and safe in the thick of the plecenta. It's my story. It was so familiar.

This girl had links to other stories and they all sounded a bit like mine. She called the condition she lost her baby to Velamentous Insertion.

I began to research that name and found a few things out.

First, I am 95% sure this is what happened to my babies.

Second, it is not genetic. Which should make me happy except that...

third, according to the studies I found, it has never happened to the same woman twice.
NO RECORDED CASES. Except for me.

 So if this is in fact what Molly and Kellen had, then where do I go with that? If it is not genetic then why both of my babies?! Is there some outlying factor that nobody knows about?

So the big and good news is that I'm VERY sure that Molly and Kellen had VELAMENTOUS INSERTION. And now my goal is to try my hardest to find a doctor who knows anything about it. I want them to find out what is causing this. Why the wheel spun and chance picked tragedy twice for me.

So I want to ask a favor, if I can. If you can help me to find ANYONE who knows anything about this condition, or has a story like mine, or would know a specialist we could talk to, please let me know. Ask your doctors if they know anything. Please and thank you and five thousand hugs to you for your help.

In the meantime, Lucas and I feel confident that while a day will come that we will try to have  biological children, we both feel strongly that adoption is the path we are meant to take right now. We feel that there is a baby out there or that is on it's way that needs to come to our family. We have already seen miracles helping us on our way towards adopting.

So now we keep praying for miracles for adoption, and for answers about this condition.
Fingers, toes, arms and legs crossed for good luck!

Weekend happy.

For no reason we can pinpoint, Lucas and I have been absurdly happy today. 

It's been really fun.

We have been super chatty, and giggly.

 Lucas is pretty quiet for the most part, but he talked the whole way home from work about how happy he feels today. He had so much energy he just kept doing push-ups all afternoon. hahaha! He gave me a juice and then I was super hyper, too, and we have both been laughing and happy all afternoon. 

Like today, we were talking to Lucas' dad about The Hunger Games because he has never read it.

We haven't seen the movie yet, but we want to.

This conversation made us laugh today:

Me: "I read today something about how they show the main characters lips a lot in The Hunger Games"

Lucas: "Her lips? That's weird."

Father-in-law: "Maybe it's because she's so hungry"

I'm pretty sure I laughed for five minutes straight.

Happiness feels so amazing. 

I will do a real and important blog post tomorrow. For tonight, though, I thought all that needed to be said was that we are happy and...

I AM SO GLAD IT'S THE WEEKEND. 

Adoption Thoughts

This morning I have spent the last hour and a half reading the adoption blog, fyionrachandry.blogspot.com. Their story of infertility and adoption is one I knew I wanted to read but I have been waiting for some "me time". This morning I got up early, Lucas left for work, and so I sat up on my bed and went to their blog.

We have emailed a few times back and forth, and I had read the more recent entries on her blog, but I have been a little weary of reading her whole story because I knew it would be emotional. So while I had a second I dug into their story and....wow.

Theirs is a story of infertility and heartbreaking almost-adoptions. I tearfully read the stories. My heart went out to them and physically ached as I read of the moments they thought they were chosen, and out of nowhere contact stopped or someone else was picked last minute. My heart broke for them.

Then I read about the young couple that chose them, and how the four parents are all connected through the open adoption and through the shared love of one lucky little boy.

Then, I spent a few minutes just staring at the pictures she posted of the birthparents.
 I do not know them at all, but I just stared at them. Then my teary eyes turned into waterfalls and I just cried. They were impossibly beautiful and I just sobbed for them and out of complete respect for and awe of them. I wanted to thank them for healing the hearts of this couple, and comfort them on nights I know their arms, too, feel empty. I could not stop my tears. 

There is a picture, just after the birth of Noah, where his birthmom and mom are both holding him together and staring at him.  Rachel, the new mom, had tears on her cheeks and Katie, the birthmom had a face full of love and exhaustion. How can someone possibly be so selfless? The words on the blog explaining the moment also made me weep.

Lucas and I get really emotional when we talk about adoption because of thoughts of experiencing this very moment. It is a moment that seems like a faraway dream. This one moment is our greatest desire but it can seem unattainable. But here is an image of a young girl who is placing her baby in the arms of another woman, making her a mother. It is possible. It is also a moment full of intense joy and intense sorrow. It is beautiful and painful, but mostly it is sacred.

It is conflicting to "look forward" to a moment where my joy will come simultaneously with others' sorrow. When they will give me a gift that their heart will ache for. 

I'm so glad I read that today and saw those pictures. It gives me hope, yes. However, more than anything I felt it gave me more understanding of everyone involved. Also,  I feel more anticipation for a moment I hope we will one day all have in common. 

One day I hope to be able to have such a beautiful adoption story, too.

On second thought...

What do you do when you want to cuddle after work, but your husband isn't home? Then your dog is too hyper to refrain from turning an attempted cuddle session into a full on face smothering?

In my case, I get online and check my email hoping to get anything about adoption. Then I check my facebook messages, then I check my blogs. Then I ALWAYS get hungry because I check my favorite food blogs.

Have you ever read the food blog, Yes, I want cake?

Katie, the author of the blog, is the wife of one of my highschool friends. I found her blog while bored at work at the hotel one day a year or two ago. Ever since, I have tried making about 10 of her recipes and messed up about 80 percent of them. Why? 1- I dont measure... and 2- I don't have the healthy ingredients she has.

But, one day she posted THIS apple salsa black beany chicken meal that made my salivary glands blow up.

I made it the next day for dinner and Lucas and I were grunting at each other with joy. Basically, we sounded like Tim Taylor from Home Improvement as we ate. I highly recommend turning into a cave man as you eat it. (You won't be able to help it)

However, today I can't stop thinking about a pizza she recently blogged about.

But just now, on my way to close the computer and go make the pizza I noticed some pancakes she blogged about today. They caught my eye because of the OATS. I love oats and oatmeal bars and oatmeal cookies and oatmeal everything. She doesn't use oats too terribly often, but when she does I get really happy.

I'm pretty set on making both of them in the next five seconds.

I may have to borrow my in-law's kitchen tonight because...... mmmmmmmmmmm. Yum.

Oh well hello there.

For the last week and a half or so I have had a brain filled with new job tasks from training, the names and faces of about 45 new people, and the will to wake up at 5am.

Which actually hasn't been that bad because I really really like it at Courtesy Acura, so that's a big plus.

Anyway, the point is that I have not had the brain power to blog. Even though it's basically just whatever I'm feeling at the moment or a play by play of recent events, I didn't feel like it. At the end of a day of training, I just want to cuddle this guy

Over the river and through the woods....

To Grandma's house Tanner's blessing we go!

After my 8-8 shift on Saturday, Lucas and I immediately hopped in the car and made the 8 hour drive to Utah. Lucas drove the whole way there because I was so tired that I would sit up and stare at the road and would find myself dreaming with my eyes open. I could not stay awake. I think I might have been fully aware of my surroundings for about two hours and after that I was a zombie.

I did manage to eat about 1000 calories worth of candy, though. I can always manage a bit of candy eating even if I'm dead tired.

We arrived at about 4:30am Sunday morning and went into my sister's apartment where she had an air mattress waiting for us. I put my stuff down, walked to the bed, flipped the covers down, and I can barely remember mumbling something at Lucas. The next thing I remember was waking at 11am because get up and get ready for church.

I have been nervous for this day, but knew it was time. 
I was going to meet little Tanner Michael, my nephew who was due at the same time as Kellen and is now named after him. We didn't see him until after church because there were so many people there that I sat down in the pew before ever meeting him.

Church was fantastic, and the blessing was beautiful.

As soon as I heard my brother say "Tanner Michael" as he blessed him, I could feel my chin shaking uncontrollably. I tried to make it stop but it was like twitching and there were streams of tears falling down my face as I listened to the blessing. I wasn't crying to the point of making sounds, but I had giant tears that came down with no effort. Like little rivers that joined under my chin. It was like my body was greiving even though my mind was feeling happy for Tanner. I could feel an ache in my arms as they sat folded on my lap, but I felt proud and happy for my brother and his wife, Ceci.

After Sacrament meeting ended, I walked back to where Ceci and Steven were sitting with Tanner. Steven had gotten up and was holding him, and I went up to him and immediately reached out for him. Steven handed him to me, a perfect bundle dressed all in white.  I held him and I swear my entire body was feeling a mix of complete sadness and joy and wholeness mixed together. It was a relief to feel this tiny baby in my arms and kiss his chubby cheeks. I loved meeting him and seeing his little face and black hair. However, after a minute of feeling excited about the new addition to my brother's family, I did start to think about Kellen.

He would have been this size.
I could have held Kellen like this. 
This could have been his blessing day, too.
But he is probably near. 

Hi, Kellen.

I teared up a little as I stared at Tanner's face, and then noticed my brother was watching me with tear filled eyes. I love my family.

Lucas held him for a while, too, and it was great to see him with a baby, as usual. After church we took pictures and then went to Steven and Ceci's for some food. I kept watching the nephews, Hank, Jacob, and Tanner, and imagining Molly there making a mess just like her cousins, and Kellen asleep on my shoulder.

It felt so good to have Tanner sleeping on me. He even spit up all over my new blazer, and I was totally happy about it. I just held that little baby and knew that one day I would have my own, and right now I can just enjoy his warm breath on my neck and his tiny back rising and falling under my hand.

After we ate, Lucas and I got back in the car and made the 8 hour drive home. We were awake in Utah for 5 hours, but it was worth it. I drove the first half of the way and then Lucas drove over the second, more mountainy half.

At one point, the car started hydroplaning on some slush and water. We were fish-tailing like crazy and my mind immediately flashed back to our car accident. Lucas was trying his hardest to get control of the car as I yelled, "HOLY- HOLY- HOLY-  YOU CAN DO IT BABY!" with my hands squeezing the handle and my seat.
 (why is it I always yell, 'holy' when I'm caught off guard?)

Don't worry, he saved us and we made it home safely, just in time for me to come home, go to bed, and get about 4 or so hours of sleep. Then I got up at 5am and went back to work today. It was awesome, and I did come home super happy about my job/life.

work and some laughs

Learning a new job is always interesting, but I have been loving mine!
I feel a little like a small fish in a big pond, who happens to closely stalk one of the more experienced fish.
There is a LOT to learn, but I feel pretty confident that I'll be able to do it.

The people there are so nice and like to joke around, which is fun. My friend Kristen also just started here as the night/Saturday receptionist and it's good to see a familiar face when she is here. What I love about the job so far is that it feels like an important one for the company, and I will be busy. At the hotel, there were often hours that would pass with little or nothing to do but check and re-check that all the computers were updated and reports were run. I am thrilled that in this position I will always have something to do. I love to be occupied and have a task to work on, and both days of training so far Hadley has had long lists of things to do and then has random projects come up she works on. Its ideal for me.

I also cover at the front desk for lunch breaks, and today I am here from 8am til 8pm because Kristen is off taking some of her awesome photos. If today is anything like the last two days, I will go home feeling super energetic and hyper. After work my first day I called Lucas right away and excitedly told him every detail of my day and he quietly listened, then says, "Someone is excited!". Why, yes I am.

Also, it didn't take much time sitting here and walking through the showroom, but I want an Acura. haha

~*~*~*~*~*~

My camera battery charger is packed away and in our storage unit, so for a while my posts will be pictureless. Unless I get a chance and get to take pictures with my cell phone, then you can be pleasantly surprised.

*~*~*~*~*~*

This morning I picked up some stuff from my parents house on the way to work.

My mom had folded a little piece of paper and my name was written on it.

It made me laugh pretty hard once I got to work and started reading it.

This is what it said,

(I'm pretty sure it was an email forward she got)

A first grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in  her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. it's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders.

1. Dont change horses....until they stop running.

2.Strike while the...bug is close.

3.It's always darkest before...Daylight Savings Time.

4. Never underestimate the power of...termites.

5. You can lead a horse to water but...how?

6. Don't bit the hand that...looks dirty.

7. No news is...impossible.

8. A miss is as good as a ... Mr.

9. You can't teach an old dog new...math.

10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll...stink in the morning.

11. Love all, trust...me.

12. The pen is mightier than the .... pigs.

13. An idle mind is ... the best way to relax.

14. Where there's smoke there's....pollution.

15. Happy the bride who... gets all the presents.

16. A penny saved is ... not much.

17. Two's company, three's...the musketeers.

18. Don't put off till tomorrow what... you put on to go to bed.

19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and ... you have to blow your nose.

20. There are none so blind as... Stevie Wonder.

21. Children should be seen and not ... spanked or grounded.

22. If at first you don't succeed... get new batteries.

23. You get out of something only what you... see in the picture on the box.

24. When the blind lead the blind... get out of the way.

25. A bird in the hand... is going to poop on you.

26. Better late than...pregnant.



Kids are cool.