Miss

Remember how I used to know how to blog?
I miss that.

Here's an embarrassing story about "missing" just to get things rolling again...

I had a crush on a friend of mine in High School. I was two years behind him in school and met him through the wrestling team. I was a wrestling manager. In my mind he was the dream guy. He was the popular attractive senior and I was the scrawny, awkward, late-blooming, gap-toothed sophomore. I remember being surprised every time he spoke to me.  If I walked into a crowded room, say a pep assembly or a wrestling tournament, I would find him without meaning to. I just noticed him all the time.

Much to my happy surprise, my wrestler boy seemed to notice me sometimes. One day he saw me walking home from school and he drove up to me. He rolled down his window and asked if I wanted a ride. It was the first time we had a conversation of any length or substance. I loved it.
This started many many days of rides home after practice, and sometimes we would just sit in his truck outside my parents house and talk for hours. I began to fall for who he was as a person, which was a wonderful compliment to how physically attracted to him I was. I never could believe, despite the fact that he was increasingly flirty with me, that he was even a little interested in me.

Then one day, wrestler boy asked me to go see a movie with him. I was elated and surprised. I agreed to the date, trying to make it sound like it was no big deal even though I'm pretty sure I thought I was dreaming. (Crushes are weird)

When he picked me up, I remember thinking that I hoped he didn't realize he was much too good looking for me. We went to see the movie Secondhand Lions. We sat in the theater and were being especially flirty. We laughed through the first few minutes and teased each other.

He seemed more nervous than usual, and that helped me feel strangely more confident. He seemed to be enjoying my company which helped dispel my irrational fear that I was somehow the target of an elaborate prank.
Luckily, he seemed to really want to be there with me.

 A few minutes into the show, wrestler boy took the armrest that was between us and put it up. 

He scooted a little closer to me.

I sat frozen, trying to keep myself from screwing this up somehow.

He went for it.  His arm slowly lifted and he put it behind my head and over my shoulders. (My heartbeat could now be heard over the sound of the movie)

Nobody had ever put their arm around me during a movie before, but it seems like a natural enough concept. He puts his arm around you. You rest your head on his shoulder. They do it in movies all the time. I felt sure I could handle it.

 As is arm came to rest behind my head, propping it forward uncomfortably,  I began to look for the comfortable spot on his shoulder.  I slid my head over slowly and waited for a little pocket where I should rest my head. It wasn't where i thought it wold be. "Maybe I'm doing it wrong", I thought. So I moved my head down a little lower, right over his chest. However, I was still uncomfortably holding my head up. Of course I thought, "I must be almost there." So I slid my head down EVEN LOWER. Suddenly, I realize that the back of my head is now resting under his sternum.

There is no going back now. I had gone WAY too far. I had to act like this was my sneaky way of cuddling. I needed him to think this was intentional. So he sat there with his arm now resting over my back. I was completely arched over sideways with my head pretend resting on his stomach. (He was fit, there was no belly to actually rest on. My neck muscles had to do all the work.) I stared into the black plastic seat in front of me and held my position. I pretended I could see the screen and that this was an intentional cuddle.

He sat pretty still, probably wondering what was going on and finally whispered, "Are you comfortable like that?"

I turned my head in some contortionist move so I could see him and smiled and said, "YUP!" and he goes, "okay.... You sure? it doesn't look that comfy." I said, "I'm great!"

I was 50% mortified that I failed so miserably at resting my head on him and ended up holding my head up awkwardly around his belly button, but also 50% extatic that he made a move in the first place. I wasn't going to give up the latter to fix the current predicament.

Probably a good 15 MINUTES later I made some silly joke and sat up again because well, my neck was killing me and I couldn't see the screen. He removed his arm from around me and we sat normally he rest of the show. I was so embarrassed.

I wasn't surprised when he didn't try to hold my hand that night. He was probably afraid I would miss and end up holding his foot.