Third

You know what I like? Graham, Lucas, and I are all the third child. I think that's cool.


It's been a weird and great and hard week. My emotions are very close to the surface because I have been so happy all the time. However, it is because of this intense happiness that I have had moments revisiting the grief of losing Molly and Kellen.

The other day Graham smiled at me. (On purpose!) His first real smile and both Lucas and I were home and saw it. We were both laughing and cheering and we were so excited, leaving our hearts in puddles on the floor. Then, later that day, every time I thought about Graham's sweet smile I caught myself wishing so deeply that I had that amazing moment with my other two babies.

I feel robbed again. I just keep thinking back to the only time we had with them. I think of their perfect little faces. The smiles we are missing out on. The eyes we never saw. The better it gets with Graham, the more aware we are of the joy we missed out on with Molly and Kellen.

I love Graham so much, and a piece of me hoped he would join our family and I would feel whole again, that he would heal our broken hearts. Well, he healed a great portion of them and he is the light of our lives, but he is also the third child. The joy that he brings does not erase the pain we felt in the past, because it was real. Our other babies were really here and they are really gone now. He is the third and my heart still aches for my first and second.

Lucas said it's a little different for him. He said he feels so happy now. For him, the memory of those nights when we lost our children is less clear, he said it's hard to remember the pain.

For me, sometimes it's so fresh and I remember the feeling so clearly that it's as though it just happened. Yesterday was like that. At church there was a beautiful musical number, Abide With Me.
That song always reminds me of the feelings I had the nights we lost them. That I knew if I didn't have the Lord with me, I wouldn't make it through the night. I cried while I listened and stared at Graham. He is so perfect and wonderful. I love every second with him. I just ache for the moments I missed with his brother and sister.  It is hard to keep learning exactly what we lost as we experience more joy with Graham. We are a family of five. I delight in all my children, and I feel sorrow that nobody knows, when they look at us, that Graham is the third.

Today isn't as hard already, I'm feeling lots of happiness again. I guess grief is like that. You never know when you will revisit the hard days. I'm glad the hard days still come, and I'm glad that in the morning it hurts less. We keep learning more about ourselves and how we handle being the parents with lost children.  I'm going to go cuddle my cute boy. I love him so much.

Two minutes of sleepy baby face. Jump to :35 to start the baby smiles :)

Mom behavior

I have a camera that is supposed to take nice pictures but they always end up grainy or off colored, so I just use my iphone for all picture/video taking. Can you please tell me, all you ladies with beautiful photos, what camera you are using?? Also, is it huge? Do you just always keep a huge camera with you at all times to capture all these sweet moments? I dream of a small camera that takes gorgeous photos. Any help here?

Graham will be six weeks old this week. It is amazing how much faster six weeks goes by when he's here and I'm not scared and pregnant. It has been an amazing six weeks, lack of sleep and all. I love this little man, every single thing about him.

The other day I sang the entire Jason Mraz MR. A-Z album in the shower, not to the actual music. I had it memorized, and I'm pretty sure I even sang the songs in the correct order. I listened to it enough when it came out that it was like one long song, without thinking I would end one song and start singing the next one because I didn't feel done. Maybe that's really sad, but maybe it's also awesome.

Lucas and I catch ourselves swaying back and forth whenever we are standing still. Its really cute when I see Lucas do his baby-less dad sway just by habit.

We took Moose to the groomer today, I felt guilty from the moment we dropped him off. I just feel bad, like I'm being a huge jerk dropping him off at this place where I know he'll be scared and angry and put in a kennel. (We have never made Moose sleep in or stay in a kennel because I think it's mean. We did one time on vacation and I cried.) I know they aren't mean to him there or anything, but I still feel bad because I know how much he hates it. At least he looks awesome now, they did a great job.

I teared up watching Indianapolis' warm welcome to Peyton Manning during the broncos game the other day. Was I the only one? It was very touching.

I feel weird when I'm not holding Graham. I sit in the backseat with him when Lucas drives just because I want to be as close to him as possible all the time. I bet he will love that kind of mom behavior when he gets older.

Thought dump

I know it's probably a love bias, but I think I have the cutest baby in the world.

I kept trying the cloth diapers and they aren't so bad actually. I like them well enough and will keep using them when I am just hanging out at home. The satisfaction comes with knowing we are saving money every time I put him in cloth and that his little tush is cozy. However, I have found that when he is in cloth and he goes #2, I catch myself sighing and a tiny piece of me thinks, Boo Hiss. Its getting better though.

I'm not that into Halloween this year. I'm loving fall and the smells and the cool air, but for some reason I can't get into the werewolf bar mitzvah spooky scary part of the year. I think it's because it takes too much energy and I'm pretty sleep deprived.

Baby weight is much more stubborn the third time around. I am ten pounds away from my pre-third-pregnancy weight and a dream away from my pre-any-pregnancy body. BUT, next week I should be allowed to work out again, and I'm excited! I was hoping nursing would help out with the bounce back, since I didn't get to nurse the last two times, but so far it's not proving to be a weight loss trick.

Lucas and I have decided that when the time comes we will be homeschooling our kiddos. The public school system is no longer a place I would want to send my kids to be taught. I'm excited about this decision and I'm hoping by then I'll have made some friends with babies the same ages and we can do a homeschool group. I know this is about 5 years down the road, but this was a big decision.

I'm going to start doing a Project Life rip-off scrapbook for Graham. I am not going to pay for their pre-made cards because I have lots of supplies to make my own and I'm cheap. However, I did by knock off page protectors and I can print my own journalling cards and use what I have to make it cool. I'm excited to get started.  (I'm still not done with Kellens book, or even close, so I'll have to balance both)

I dont know if I mentioned here, but we were asked to wait until Graham is six months old to become foster parents. So in 5 more months we will put our application back in to foster to adopt. It was actually quite a blow to be told to wait because we were so excited to be through all the training and having our homestudy, but I know why they told us to give it time.  Plus, I'd be a liar if I said I wasn't loving me one-on-one time with our miracle baby.

The people in the condo below us are really nice, but I want them to move away. They have two boxers that they never walk, so they get whiney and barky during the day, they bark at everything and sometimes I think they just bark because they aren't allowed outside to run off energy. I feel horrible for these pups. Second reason I want them to move is because they chain smoke like they are paid to do it. (the people, not the dogs- noduh) We have to keep the doors and windows closed all the time because around the clock, about every hour or so, the lovely scent of cheap cigarettes flows up and into our house. Even though I love the quick mental flash to Six Flags, I do hate the smell and hate it in my house, especially now that Graham is here. We have to strategically time our balcony use to fit around their addiction, and I hate it. At least they have this fancy ash tray pot.

Moose has been so cute with Graham since he joined the family. He is very very protective and every couple hours he comes to find Graham, and wants to sniff him or lick his head. He makes sure he is fine and then goes back to his doggy day. When people he doesn't know come over, Moose with stand between them and the baby, and he will bark at them if they pick Graham up until I tell him that they are an approved baby-holder.  Here is a video from this morning of Moose trying to play with Graham, its the cutest thing ever.

And here is Graham right now: 

Be still, my heart.

Cloth diaper adventures 1

• Having a newborn is just as exhausting as people say it is. TV shows aren't lying when they show new parents showing up a disheveled mess with bags under their eyes. But it's cool, I can't honestly say that I mind sweatpants and ponytails.
• I got a good deal on some G diaper brand cloth diapers. We put Graham in them after he was home a week. You know, when the black tar poop was finally gone. I was really excited to cloth diaper, I actually stayed home from going out before Graham was born to organize and clean and admire the ones I bought. Weird maybe, but I have spent hours researching diapers and was excited to try something and save money. 
• So after a few days with Graham in the diapers, Lucas, who is kindly trying to go along with it, came home from work and as he picked up Graham he says, "So.... are we still cloth diapering?!" hahaha, I could hear the hope in his voice that I would say, "No because I hate it! NEVER AGAIN!" But I said, "yes."
• There is a different style of diaper for newborns with the brand I bought, called the tiny gpant. (see the picture below) Its for babies under 10 pounds. So We tried them first. One day, we went back into the nursery with a poopy diaper and changed Graham. I had heard they leaked if they were on tight, so we put it loosely around his waist. With his new clean diaper on (HOLY SMOKES CUTE) we came out to the kitchen to eat dinner with my mom, who had come to stay with us the first week and help out.
  
  After a few minutes, Lucas suddenly goes, "Look at Graham's feet! Oh my gosh!" I look over and Grahams feet are hanging out from under a blanket and they are both dark purple, almost black. We all jump up and rush him over to the couch, remove the blanket and see that his legs are both turning black all the way up to the diaper.  We immediately take the diaper off and Grahams legs instantly start to go back to a pink fleshy color. It was horrible and scary. I mean, what if we had put him under a blanket completely or put him in the mamaroo and he had napped? I hate to think about it. So we decided not to use those diapers ever again. 
• For the next two weeks we used disposable diapers, and I'm glad about it because Graham is a poop machine. If I'm being honest I think we change about 14 to 15 diapers a day and probably 12 of those are poopy. Well today I tried the next size up of g diapers since Graham is close to 10 pounds now and they are made differently than the newborn g-pant. Graham fits in them well and they are seriously the cutest thing I've ever seen. Unfortunately, the liners are already staining and 4 of the 5 diapers I have changed have leaked because the design is kinda silly. Soooo yeah, I'm thinking I might sell these diapers on craigslist. Not a g diaper fan in real life. The only pro I'm finding so far is that they are adorable. Anyone want to try them, maybe they would fit better on a baby with a different build..?
• I think I will try the charlie banana brand diapers next, however my cloth diaper excitement has taken a serious hit. Also, my washing machine takes FOREVER even just to do a rinse cycle so the amount of time it takes to clean the diapers is ridiculous. I wont give up yet.... right? Bah.
• Also, we dont have a toilet sprayer because...hello $$$$, so I'm having to rinse the inserts in less than pleasant way and Lucas doesn't complain even though I know he is disgusted.

Graham's Newborn Photos

I spent 2 hours making a slideshow on a site that claimed it was free, but then it wouldn't let me save the slideshow or post it here unless I paid $50. Not doing that. On the bright side, Graham is adorable.

Photos by Kristen Pierson Photography

A cheesy but heartfelt thank you!

I have everything I have ever wanted.
I always wanted a dream husband who made me laugh, who gave me butterflies, who I would miss when he was away, who I looked up to, and who was my best friend. CHECK!
I have always wanted to be a mom, I wanted to hold my child in my arms and feel as though my heart is outside of my chest because it is with my children. CHECK CHECK CHECK
I wanted to kiss tiny newborn cheeks, calm a baby's cry, cuddle, sing, rock, teach, play, and know that I am trying my very best from day one to be the best mom I can be. CHECK and HAPPILY IN PROGRESS.
I have always loved, wanted, and needed good friends. Wanted to have people who I would do anything for and who are there for me in good times and bad. CHECK

 I am happier every day than I was the day before, and I am happier than I have ever been.

I miss Molly and Kellen just like always, but I can miss them now from a place that is less lonely. Graham looks so much like them that I almost feel like I can hold all three of my babies when I hold him. He also has a look all his own, and I can stare at his perfect face for hours (and do).

I don't know how I got to be so lucky. I almost feel guilty posting about how wonderful and complete I feel, because not everyone is so lucky. However, I would be ungrateful not to thank all who have been such a large part of our journey.

Thank you to everyone who sent prayers to heaven for us and for our babies.
Thank you to everyone who gave us gifts filled with love, your time, and your support.
Thank you for the meals, flowers, and cards.
Thank you for every kind message you have sent, every email, facebook comment, blog comment, "like" etc. (we read every single comment and appreciate each one!)
Thank you for every thought, worry, and happiness you have felt for us.
Thank you for remembering our babies.
Thank you for checking back to see how we are doing.
THank you for sharing in our sorrow and today in our joy!

I have been so affected and touched by your love, and I really feel that the prayers of so many of you are part of what gave us our miracle and have brought us such happiness. I feel like he is a prayer baby, he is a blessing and a gift and he made it here thanks to the prayers of many. One of our greatest gifts is also all of you wonderful friends, some we know personally and others who heard our story and support us constantly.
((( Consider yourself hugged!)))

THANK YOU!