I just wanted to record the feelings Lucas and I have been having so we don't forget them in case things get rough emotionally and we need something to lean on.
We have just made a plan with the doctor for the baby.
Tomorrow we will go talk to the OB we saw weekly since about 25 weeks. We really like her, and like that she seems so understanding about where we have been and why we feel so strongly about getting the baby out early. We want to talk to her about what we have experienced and all the "red tape" we have run into. We want to discuss with her if she would be willing to deliver the baby at 37 weeks even if the specialist is not. Unless for any reason we feel that it is right to continue to wait.
Thursday we go in for a second Amnio, 8 days after the first and after a set of steroid shots to help the lungs speed up their development. They will test his lungs to see if they have become mature, but to be honest, everyone sounds doubtful that the change we need to see will have happened in such a short amount of time.
However, if his lungs have developed enough, then we will have the baby delivered as soon as possible, even Thursday evening. If they are still too immature, we will have to go back to waiting.
When I let myself feel what I know is more of my natural, fear-filled, anxious response to this plan I get very upset very quickly. I want to write angry letters, make angry phone calls, and scream at everyone who just doesn't seem to get it. When I listen to the doubts that have been there instead of the peace I find when I trust the Lord, I get upset and even angry. Anger is not a feeling I feel often, and I hate it. I especially hate feeling anything but excitement and happiness when it comes to experiencing the miracle of welcoming this baby into our home.
Luckily, those feelings of fear or anger come quickly, and they leave quickly as well. People have been praying for us to feel peace, calm, and sure about our decisions. We have felt the difference those prayers have made. We are reading our scriptures, reading the Ensign, going to the temple, praying, and simply just trying to listen to the spiritual promptings we feel in every minute. When we are really trying to stay close to the spirit of the Lord, and to trust Him and His timing, we feel completely peaceful. Even when these unexpected decision are made, or test results are keeping us from just getting our baby here, we can feel peace.
This evening Lucas and I sat out on our balcony with the dog and watched the sun go down. It was a beautiful evening. We talked about how excited we are to be so close to the big day when we will meet our son. Lucas explained that it feels more exciting, a different bigger excitement, than he has ever felt before. Our excitement, when we decide to simply trust the timing of the Lord, is not at all marred by fear. Instead, we trust that He has a plan for our son, and that whatever He has planned will be the greatest blessing, it will be what is best for our family. When we completely trust Him we dont feel scared.
Lucas said the other day that he expected me to be a basket case if forced to go past 36 weeks, but that he has been surprised to see how calm I have been. I am also surprised, and also grateful. I am grateful to know that if we were to plan our own life and to have things go smoothly and exactly as WE plan them, we would never feel the sorrows we do, and in turn we would never feel the immense joy that we are blessed with. Things would not turn out for the best because it is impossible to see the bigger picture from God's perspective. We have to trust that the little things that don't seem to go our way might be opening the door to a blessing we have not yet seen coming.
Tonight our home is full of faith, and I am grateful for that. We wondered tonight as we talked, why it is that the Lord didn't just let baby's lungs grow quickly so we could have him early. We wondered what it was, why things have happened to make us wait even longer. We decided that whatever the reason, in hindsight we are sure it will be better and we will look back and thank Him for making us wait. We will be thankful for being taught to be patient. Maybe in the end, our baby was always going to make it, and the Lord simply wants him to grow a little longer.
I'm just so happy to have a relationship with and a trust in God. We are so lucky to have the gospel, and the have the faith of so many people helping us to keep close to the spirit. The Holy Ghost as a constant companion has been a true gift, he is a comforter and a voice of reason.
We feel sure that our baby will make it. Minutes pass slowly. Days are crawling, and it is hard to focus on anything except baby. All the things I wanted to get done while we wait have sat undone. I get anxiety every time my phone rings and can't answer it. I haven't been able to get myself to go to any social gathering of any kind. But I consider it a huge success that I can sit here with Lucas, 2 days away from the point in our pregnancy when we lost Molly, and feel safe. I think every day when we go to bed and feel comforted and in love and excited for the future is good day.