Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Just to Remember

36.5 weeks!

I just wanted to record the feelings Lucas and I have been having so we don't forget them in case things get rough emotionally and we need something to lean on.

We have just made a plan with the doctor for the baby.
Tomorrow we will go talk to the OB we saw weekly since about 25 weeks. We really like her, and like that she seems so understanding about where we have been and why we feel so strongly about getting the baby out early. We want to talk to her about what we have experienced and all the "red tape" we have run into. We want to discuss with her if she would be willing to deliver the baby at 37 weeks even if the specialist is not. Unless for any reason we feel that it is right to continue to wait.

Thursday we go in for a second Amnio, 8 days after the first and after a set of steroid shots to help the lungs speed up their development. They will test his lungs to see if they have become mature, but to be honest, everyone sounds doubtful that the change we need to see will have happened in such a short amount of time.

However, if his lungs have developed enough, then we will have the baby delivered as soon as possible, even Thursday evening. If they are still too immature, we will have to go back to waiting.

When I let myself feel what I know is more of my natural, fear-filled, anxious response to this plan I get very upset very quickly. I want to write angry letters, make angry phone calls, and scream at everyone who just doesn't seem to get it.  When I listen to the doubts that have been there instead of the peace I find when I trust the Lord, I get upset and even angry. Anger is not a feeling I feel often, and I hate it. I especially hate feeling anything but excitement and happiness when it comes to experiencing the miracle of welcoming this baby into our home.

Luckily, those feelings of fear or anger come quickly, and they leave quickly as well. People have been praying for us to feel peace, calm, and sure about our decisions. We have felt the difference those prayers have made. We are reading our scriptures, reading the Ensign, going to the temple, praying, and simply just trying to listen to the spiritual promptings we feel in every minute. When we are really trying to stay close to the spirit of the Lord, and to trust Him and His timing, we feel completely peaceful. Even when these unexpected decision are made, or test results are keeping us from just getting our baby here, we can feel peace.

This evening Lucas and I sat out on our balcony with the dog and watched the sun go down. It was a beautiful evening. We talked about how excited we are to be so close to the big day when we will meet our son. Lucas explained that it feels more exciting, a different bigger excitement, than he has ever felt before. Our excitement, when we decide to simply trust the timing of the Lord, is not at all marred by fear. Instead, we trust that He has a plan for our son, and that whatever He has planned will be the greatest blessing, it will be what is best for our family. When we completely trust Him we dont feel scared.

Lucas said the other day that he expected me to be a basket case if forced to go past 36 weeks, but that he has been surprised to see how calm I have been. I am also surprised, and also grateful. I am grateful to know that if we were to plan our own life and to have things go smoothly and exactly as WE plan them, we would never feel the sorrows we do, and in turn we would never feel the immense joy that we are blessed with. Things would not turn out for the best because it is impossible to see the bigger picture from God's perspective. We have to trust that the little things that don't seem to go our way might be opening the door to a blessing we have not yet seen coming.

Tonight our home is full of faith, and I am grateful for that. We wondered tonight as we talked, why it is that the Lord didn't just let baby's lungs grow quickly so we could have him early. We wondered what it was, why things have happened to make us wait even longer. We decided that whatever the reason, in hindsight we are sure it will be better and we will look back and thank Him for making us wait. We will be thankful for being taught to be patient. Maybe in the end, our baby was always going to make it, and the Lord simply wants him to grow a little longer.

I'm just so happy to have a relationship with and a trust in God. We are so lucky to have the gospel, and the have the faith of so many people helping us to keep close to the spirit. The Holy Ghost as a constant companion has been a true gift, he is a comforter and a voice of reason.

We feel sure that our baby will make it. Minutes pass slowly. Days are crawling, and it is hard to focus on anything except baby. All the things I wanted to get done while we wait have sat undone. I get anxiety every time my phone rings and can't answer it. I haven't been able to get myself to go to any social gathering of any kind. But I consider it a huge success that I can sit here with Lucas, 2 days away from the point in our pregnancy when we lost Molly, and feel safe. I think every day when we go to bed and feel comforted and in love and excited for the future is good day.


erin d. said...

Our Savior can calm both the waves of the storm tossed sea for his troubled fishermen as well as the waves of doubt and fear within our hearts that could threaten to overturn our spirits. We simply must trust that He will calm the storms at the perfect time and in the mean time just feel his words of "Peace be still". . My opinion is that Molly and Kellen are simply spoiling and having way too much fun him and he simply doesn't want to leave them just yet. Can you blame him? I'm sure they are teaching him so much and that you will feel some of their light in him when he arrives. Continuing to pray for your peace, baby's lung development that you will be able to experience all the joys (and more) of a perfect birth experience. My love to all of you.

Whitney said...

You don't know me... I honestly don't even remember how I came across your blog, but I have been reading for awhile and have read the stories of your sweet angels. Sorry I am only just now leaving a comment. I usually just stalk peoples blogs without leaving a comment but felt I had to say something in this case. My name is Whitney and I too have an angel baby. His name is Maximus and he was born sleeping on September 2, 2010. Two months after that I was able to get pregnant again, and 8 LONG months after that my rainbow baby girl joined our family. I just want to tell you I know (to some degree) how you are feeling. I know that fear and that feeling of just wanting that baby to be here. I was fortunate enough to have a doctor who delivered me at 36 weeks since I refused to go past the 37 week mark (when I lost my son). But, oh my, until that baby is in your arms living and breathing, you are just a nervous wreck.
Anyways, I just want you to know I am praying for your sweet family. I don't know you but I ache for you to hold this baby in your arms and experience all the things you didn't get to do (but will someday) with Molly and Kellen. You have strengthened my testimony in Heavenly Fathers timing and His plan for all of us.
Good luck these next few days. I am cheering you on and can't wait to read the good news!
Love from one angel mama to another,

P.S. I hope this isn't creepy! I don't leave comments for fear of looking like a creeper, but like I said, I could not ignore this. You can see my story on my blog whitneykyle.blogspot.com I don't write much any more but have recorded my story with Max and my rainbow baby.

Bud Bailey said...

Love you Amber! Brittany and I are praying for you and we are moved by your wonderful words of faith and understanding of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. This baby doesn't even know how much love they're getting. You and Lucas have so much love we can feel it through your writing. Keep us posted. We can't wait to hear the good news. <3

Mary Jane said...

You are both wise beyond your years. Thank you for sharing your feelings and emotions. I think of both of you often. Please know that you are loved and you will feel that love even more in the next few days!

Kelsey Eaton said...

I'm so proud of you for remaining so calm. It is amazing what prayers can do! We just left your family's name on the prayer roll at the Las Vegas Temple while we were there visiting. I want nothing more than the best for you guys!