Monday, October 28, 2013


You know what I like? Graham, Lucas, and I are all the third child. I think that's cool.

It's been a weird and great and hard week. My emotions are very close to the surface because I have been so happy all the time. However, it is because of this intense happiness that I have had moments revisiting the grief of losing Molly and Kellen.

The other day Graham smiled at me. (On purpose!) His first real smile and both Lucas and I were home and saw it. We were both laughing and cheering and we were so excited, leaving our hearts in puddles on the floor. Then, later that day, every time I thought about Graham's sweet smile I caught myself wishing so deeply that I had that amazing moment with my other two babies.

I feel robbed again. I just keep thinking back to the only time we had with them. I think of their perfect little faces. The smiles we are missing out on. The eyes we never saw. The better it gets with Graham, the more aware we are of the joy we missed out on with Molly and Kellen.

I love Graham so much, and a piece of me hoped he would join our family and I would feel whole again, that he would heal our broken hearts. Well, he healed a great portion of them and he is the light of our lives, but he is also the third child. The joy that he brings does not erase the pain we felt in the past, because it was real. Our other babies were really here and they are really gone now. He is the third and my heart still aches for my first and second.

Lucas said it's a little different for him. He said he feels so happy now. For him, the memory of those nights when we lost our children is less clear, he said it's hard to remember the pain.

For me, sometimes it's so fresh and I remember the feeling so clearly that it's as though it just happened. Yesterday was like that. At church there was a beautiful musical number, Abide With Me.
That song always reminds me of the feelings I had the nights we lost them. That I knew if I didn't have the Lord with me, I wouldn't make it through the night. I cried while I listened and stared at Graham. He is so perfect and wonderful. I love every second with him. I just ache for the moments I missed with his brother and sister.  It is hard to keep learning exactly what we lost as we experience more joy with Graham. We are a family of five. I delight in all my children, and I feel sorrow that nobody knows, when they look at us, that Graham is the third.

Today isn't as hard already, I'm feeling lots of happiness again. I guess grief is like that. You never know when you will revisit the hard days. I'm glad the hard days still come, and I'm glad that in the morning it hurts less. We keep learning more about ourselves and how we handle being the parents with lost children.  I'm going to go cuddle my cute boy. I love him so much.

Two minutes of sleepy baby face. Jump to :35 to start the baby smiles :)


Carrie Lynn said...

This post makes me ache for you. It also reminds me of Scott's grandma who lost a child. It's been years and years and to this day if we mention it she cries. I wouldn't think the grief of losing a child ever loses its sting. We love you and our hearts burst every time we see a picture of sweetheart Graham!

Stephanie said...

I love you so much. You have endured so very much in such a short time. Your heart is ginormous. It always has been, it always will be. The ones we love never truly leave us. Maybe Graham even smiles at them too. I swear those little ones get to see all sorts of loved ones during that first while.
Keep feeling. Keep loving. Keep Writing. You are doing amazing things.

Anonymous said...

I love reading your posts. I love reading about your strength, your love, and seeing those instragrahams!!

I had a complete meltdown and I wanted to call you so bad. Mostly because I know you have been through the same as me and would understand the pain and emptiness.

"Abide with Me" is such an amazing song. It's hard to remember that Heavenly Father is ALWAYS with us, we just have to remember to ask.

Anonymous said...

When Graham smiles in that last video he looks just like your husband! It's totally his smile!

Robyn Overstreet said...

I stumbled upon your blog a couple months ago when I was searching the internet for Christmas ornament ideas to remember my daughter. Your ornament (I love it by the way) came up in my google image search and brought me to your blog.

My daughter was stillborn in May, and I just wanted to say thank you for being so honest in your feelings. This post especially really helps me see that my thoughts and worries are ok. We are not yet pregnant, but I find myself worrying that even though I know a new baby will bring me lots of joy, it will still be incredibly hard... And I'm sure many people will think that a new baby will fix me. It won't, I will still miss Evangeline.

Hadlocks said...

That video is so sweet, it takes awhile to wake up haha. He looks so much like Lucas when he smiles!