|This post is not about whales. But I like whales and it's my blog.|
And now for the details on baby Taylor number three!!! (Still can't quite believe it)
Please forgive the absurd amount of detail. I care about details and I want to remember everything. This is, in a sense, my journal. I might just post a FAQ or something with quick answers to the things you are all wondering- haha)
As you know, Lucas and I are getting certified to be foster parents. We hope to one day be able to adopt a child through foster care. In the meantime we hope to help families who just need a second chance. We did, and still do, feel that that is the right thing for our family. It felt more right than an adoption agency, and it felt more right than waiting around hoping that the right person would happen to hear about us and call to tell us they chose us to be the parents of their baby. (Though if that happened we would feel like the luckiest and happiest people in the world)
Prior to deciding to pursue getting certified as a resource family for the state, we also had a feeling that it was time to put our fear aside and learn more about if we would be able to be the biological parents of a child. If we would ever see me get pregnant again, and if we would leave the hospital with a baby.
So we began to search for answers. The only thing we could find said that what is presumed took Molly and Kellen is actually not genetic, but rather, they both happened to pass away due to the same rare and unlikely umbilical cord problem. Every doctor told us we just had BAD LUCK.
Since the medical road to answers ended so quickly, we took the spiritual road for answers. There was no grand feeling that its time to have a baby. There was no sudden relief from the fear that getting pregnant would mean we would be burying another child just months later. We both just slowly became more and more open to the idea of getting pregnant. We became more sure that we were in an area with doctors and specialists who could help us.
I also kept hearing their voices in my head, "bad luck"... "Not genetic"... "Very rare"... And even though you would think we would be the last people to believe them, it changed the way I thought. What if they are right. What if it was just bad luck. What if Molly and Kellen just needed to come get a body and now they are happy and together. What if we could have a completely healthy and normal pregnancy and we could bring a baby home? What if every day I'm not pregnant is just my allowing fear to be what keeps me from having a family? What if they are waiting for us and we are too scared to bring them here?
So we decided we would choose faith over fear, believe the doctors, and trust that our becoming more open to getting pregnant was actually our answer to prayers. It took four months, and the first two months we felt relief when I wasn't pregnant. The third month we were disappointed which surprised us both. We started having dreams where we were adopting AND I was pregnant, or I had a baby and then we adopted one. It was the dreams that changed me completely. I reached down in my dream and felt a big belly and felt so much love and no fear. I held a newborn baby and felt a joy that made waking up a harsh reality. Lucas dreamed of holding a baby and woke up feeling so excited. We got serious- we wanted to be pregnant. But then again that third month, a big big negative.
By that time we were a few weeks into our foster care classes and feeling beyond excited about that part of our journey. We had a long drive to class every week, and we talked a lot about our family and goals and feelings. The week we found out I was not pregnant again I said to Lucas,
"You know, I feel so good about being a foster parent. It gets me so excited. We know it's right. So do you think we aren't getting pregnant because maybe its the wrong time? Do you think we should try again this month?"
And then I looked at Lucas and he had the biggest smile on his face, and he even let out a laugh. His eyes were even a little glossy. I said, "What?" and he said, "I dont know Amber. When you mentioned trying again this month I just got so happy and I felt like this is it for us. I just felt SO HAPPY!"
And so we kept going to classes each week. We kept praying that we would get pregnant and that foster care would be a good thing for us. And then, four weeks later, we find out that I'm pregnant.
I didnt think that stick would say yes. I hadn't even missed my period yet, but I just wanted to check (I just have to know, you know?). So one day, on the way to Lucas' parents' house, we bought a test. I got a cheap one figuring it would say no and then I would test again anyway when I actually missed my period.
When we got to the Taylor's house we walked around, greeted people, and then I said, "I'll go check" Lucas says, "Okay." Then I hear him and his dad sit in the room outside the bathroom and start talking. I turned on the water so they wouldn't hear me pee. Then I do my business.
Lucas and I have decided that when taking tests we like when I take the test and while it is "thinking" I sit and nervously wait around and Lucas actually checks it to see the result. Then he gets to tell me, because, hey- its good to get the dad more involved in the pregnancy. That was the unspoken plan.
So anyway, as I'm setting the test down on the counter, maybe THREE SECONDS later, I see a big dark and very obvious blue Plus sign. I didn't know it could even change that fast. I didn't expect a result yet and all the sudden, just like that, I'm pregnant. I'M PREGNANT!
*RUSH OF JOY*
*RUSH OF FEAR*
*RUSH OF JOY*
I can hear Lucas outside the door, but only barely because my heart was beating so hard, I was getting clammy and my hands started shaking. I washed my hands and then opened the door. Lucas was sitting in front of me. I didn't come out of the bathroom but just stood there and we looked at each other. I couldn't say it. I was in the middle of an adrenaline rush that was making my whole body shake. I just nodded my head up and down and looked at his face. He looked confused and I just nodded again and mouthed, 'Yes'. He mouths 'really?!' and I just keep on nodding my head.
Sensing the conversation with Lucas was over and we needed privacy, my father-in-law walked out of the room. Lucas came over to me and saw the test. He says "Well that was fast!" and I say, "I know! I was setting it down and just saw it! I'm shaking! I didn't expect it to say yes, and I bet your dad knows or noticed now. I dont know what to feel! I'm seriously shaking so bad, look at my legs!"
Lucas touched my belly and smiled at me and said, "Well let's tell him then." I said, "Okay". We walked out into the bathroom and over into the kitchen where John was.
Lucas goes, "So, uh, Dad. Amber's pregnant!" His dad smiled and said, "Really? Wow! Congratulations!" and Lucas said, "We literally just found out. Like a couple seconds ago." John was happy for us and gave us hugs. Then we talked about it. I dont remember what we said, or if I even said anything.
I can tell you it was the scariest feeling in the world, but that I felt so happy and excited at the same time. I couldn't stop shaking and was pacing around because there was no going back now. No matter what happens, we have to choose faith now. The time for fear is over.
When Lucas' mom got home we decided to tell her too. Lucas wanted to do it in a funny way. So when we were saying dinner prayer an hour or so later, Lucas asked to pray. He said something like this, "Please bless this food and bless Mom for preparing it. Please bless Hayley that she will be safe while she is out. We also ask that thou will bless Amber because she is pregnant." He then quickly closed his prayer and I opened my eyes and looked at Susan.
Her eyes were still closed but she was squinting them together, her arms were folded, and she just stood there frozen like she didn't want to look up and have it be a joke. Then she moved her hand up and covered her mouth and said, "Did I just- what did- are you- is Amber..?" and Lucas said, "YEAH! Amber is pregnant!"And my angel of a mother-in-law is suddenly in tears and hugging everyone. It was really cute and helped me calm down a bit and just be happy.
We decided that we wanted to tell my parents too, but we didn't want to tell anyone else because my sister, Sarah, was about to have a baby and we wanted this to be her month and to give her baby the spotlight she deserved. So one night we went over to my parents house and we were all sitting on the couch in the basement eating ice cream. I couldn't keep it in anymore and all the sudden I just said, "So, I'm pregnant." I looked at them as if I had not just said some huge announcement. My dad goes, " Nuh uh.... Are you serious?" and my mom sat frozen. (must be a mom thing) Then I smiled and said, "I really am!" and my mom starts crying and my dad goes "Oh No way! Congratulations!"
(It was funny how our parents had the same reactions.)
We let them know that I was SUPER early and that they would need to keep our secret for a long time. The agreed and my mom kept crying and smiling at me.
And now that the shock of finding out and the first announcements were made, it was time to get serious. This was scary. We had to be very careful, very prayerful, and make some huge hard decisions.