What's Mine Is Yours

My friend sent me this video this morning, and I wept as I watched it. After we lost Kellen, Lucas and I were grieving really deeply. I drove to the temple one evening and sat in the parking lot and cried and begged the Lord to keep my babies safe and to let them always be mine. I felt an intense love as I prayed. Before I even stopped praying I had a distinct feeling of peace. This song reminds me of that moment.

It also reminds me of the fact that through adoption, no matter how we adopt, there will be some other people in this world who we will always think of and think "What's mine is yours. It's always been."

I think of this scripture often when I think of our babies. I think of it when I think of the love our Heavenly Father has shown in letting our babies be ours. And I think of it when I think of the families who will share their children with us.

Philippians 1:3 "I thank my God upon every remembrance of you,"

"What's Mine is Yours"

Salt, Hope, Fostering

We don't have salt and pepper shakers. 

When we moved to Colorado (A year ago!) those ended up in the "not worth moving" pile.

So, when we need them I think, Bah! I'll have to buy those next time I'm at the store! and then I grab the huge salt refill tub and sprinkle some into my hand or a spoon and then use it as needed. I do the same with a huge bottle of black pepper. Then I completely forget about it.

So, the other day I am making dinner and I have a pile of salt in my left hand and a pile of pepper in my right hand and I shout to Lucas, "Okay, I think its time to get salt and pepper shakers." Lucas quickly replies,

"Salt and Pepper Shakers? Okay, right, because we're SO RICH!"
 He's the best. I laughed for a long time.

`*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Watch the show Raising Hope.

It is SO FUNNY.

It's the only thing that makes Lucas laugh harder than Americas Funniest Home Videos.

(and his caught-off-guard laugh is so attractive. mmm)

You should watch it. Some of the humor is super subtle and some of it is just out there. 

We can never remember it's called Raising Hope, though. 

We'll come home and get comfy and then one of us says,

"Ice Cream and Hope Floats?!"

Every time. 

We've gone through a gallon of Blue Bell and watched the two Netflix seasons. 

Its a wonderful way to gain 4 pounds.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Every Tuesday night until early March, Lucas and I will be attending certification classes to become FOSTER PARENTS!

We have been trying to adopt for over a year now.

We have received quite a few emails from expecting moms who are looking to place their babies for adoption, but one mom picked another family in-state, one decided to hire an agency, one stopped talking to us out of nowhere, and then I posted a blog about how hard it is to get your hopes up and we haven't been contacted again.

Then, we started watching a little boy, Dean, who is being raised by his grandmother. When she is at work, we take care of him. He is about to turn three and we are falling head over heels for him.

 We had a feeling that if we can love an older child so deeply, and if we felt ready to face an emotional journey (it's all we know) then maybe adopting children through the foster care system might be the best option for us. We think it is important to provide a safe and loving place for children to be until they are able to be reunited with their families, but if they cannot return to their families, we want to be able to show them just how loved and wanted they are.
As we were praying about the decision, a lady in my ward got certified as a foster parent. Two young sisters were placed in her home. She was not interested in adoption, but was happy to foster them.
I had never met these girls before, but I walked into their classroom to teach music and after a few minutes, the younger little girl suddenly ran over to me and wrapped her arms around me. She hugged me so tight and wouldn't get off my lap the rest of the day. Then her older sister wanted to hold my hand and stay with me. So I stayed with them the rest of church and finally walked them to the car with their foster mom. When I said goodbye they both started crying and begging me not to go. It was heartbreaking and I knew that if those little girls needed a home, I would adopt them and gladly be their mother. We looked into it, and their caseworker told me that the only way we would be considered is if we are certified foster parents.
And so our answer was confirmed.

Unfortunately, these little girls have since been moved to another foster home and we aren't allowed to know anything. Chances are that they are now in a home that wants to adopt them if they become adoptable. However, we did feel that we recieved our answer. We are moving forward and are SO EXCITED. We have attended two classes already and are getting our home ready for the angels who will come live with us.

12-12-12

 Because I like little things like repeat date days, and mileage on odometers like 55,555 I am going to post in honor of 12/12/12.

And because you never thought it possible, I will make 12 statements in 12 words. I'm pretty sure this will be the hardest blog I've ever written.

1) Today I accidentally replied "You're problem" to a customer's "Thank you". oops.

2) I am starting a company. I'm researching, planning, brainstorming, and getting excited!

3) Teaching Primary is still terrifying. Knowing nothing about music is helpful. Not.

4) I sold a coffee table because I stubbed my toe on it.

5) #Thisisthemostannoyingthingpeopledoonline #Pleasestopit

6) When I hear people whine about marriage, I am so grateful for Lucas.

7)  I'm pretty bummed we have yet to roast marshmallows in our fireplace.

8) I can't handle the sound of people chewing and swallowing their food.

9) I think the people I miss would be surprised to know it.

10) Dessert in our house right now is usually graham crackers with milk.

11) I miss keeping a dream journal. I'm going to do it again.

12) I frequently look for jobs in Hawaii, just in case. Maybe Someday.

Kellen's First Birthday

Kellen's Birthday was on November 12th. Time has slipped through my fingers. It is amazing to me how a year can pass so quickly, but at the same time feel like ages ago.

We moved to Colorado just 2 months after we lost him. I had boxed up his stuff with the intention of getting it out again just two months later. However, losing a loved one is expensive. Moving is expensive. Colorado is more expensive than we remembered.  We ended up living with Lucas' parents for 7 months. Then we unpacked at our new apartment, and when I saw the box marked "Molly and Kellen" I couldn't face it. I put Molly's memory book away, and put the box of their things on a shelf in the closet. And life got busy.  It was easier to live life than it was to go back into that box where feelings and memories were sure to be fresh. In that box is where my sorrow was packed away prematurely.

A couple weeks before his birthday, I started feeling guilty that I haven't made his memory book yet. I had Molly's finished a few months before her first birthday and I hadn't even started Kellen's. I read their stories one night after Lucas fell asleep. At first it was like I was reading someone else's story, but as I kept reading and suddenly I was back there. I was in the hospital. I remembered all the details and the pain and the peace and the fear and the love. I cried all night.

Usually, I don't cry over the babies more than once in a few months or so. I will have a hard day, and then I feel refreshed in a way. Like I faced something difficult and I feel more empowered to be strong. So when Kellen's birthday arrived so soon after a night like when I read their stories, I wasn't surprised when I was feeling less sadness than usual. I was feeling, for the most part, like celebrating. I wanted to celebrate that he ever came to our family. I wanted to celebrate the seven months I carried him. I felt happy. I opened this beautiful birthday gift one of my greatest friends gave us to honor Kellen's birthday (Isn't it perfect?!):

So it was with no trepidation, but rather a sense of celebration, that I finally pulled down the box labelled "Molly and Kellen". I opened it, sure it would be the clothing I dreamed of them wearing, the precious gifts from friends and family, and some sympathy cards. For some reason, I had completely forgotten what I ever packed in that box.

I pulled strip of moving tape off the box, Lucas in the other room. I opened the box and looked inside. There was a sweater my mother in law gave for Molly. I loved it too much to pack it away. It was Molly's sweater from the first second I saw it and so I kept it. I held it up and imagined her in it. Then I folded it and set it on the bed and looked back in the box.

And suddenly I was bawling.
One second I was smiling and feeling happy and full of love, and literally one second later I could see nothing, gigantic tears were falling down my face. I was weeping, in my hands I gently cradled the little blue robe that once held my son. It was the robe he wore when we held him. The robe he is wearing in all his pictures. Seeing and picking up that little empty robe brought with it an instant tidal wave of grief.

Lucas heard and probably felt the change and came running into the room to check on me. He saw me bawling and ran over to me, placing his arm around me. "Honey, are you okay?!" I looked at him, still bawling and held up the robe.
"I had forgotten. I didn't remember we still had this. It's his. It's Kellen's robe. I'm so glad we still have it. But I didn't expect to see it in here. I just, I wasn't prepared" He hugged me and kissed my cheek. I calmed down a little and we kept going though the box.

Inside we found Kellen's tiny ankle bracelet from the hospital. A lock of his hair. His tiny little hat. His hand and footprints. The blanket we wrapped him in the day we spent with him. I cried of course, but felt more together with Lucas in the room with me. I felt better. I continued to tear up as I looked at his things and remembered him, but felt almost healed. I finally faced the grief I hid away in that box.

Later in the evening we met Lucas' family and my mom and brother at the cemetery.  When we arrived there were two stuffed animals at my babies memorials. A Pooh Bear for Molly and a giant Clifford for Kellen. I had no idea who brought them but, of course, I was so touched I cried more. I cry a lot. (Later we discovered that the gifts were brought by one of Lucas' clients. Lucas had shared with him our story, and every time that client came to visit his recently passed son he also visited our babies. When I learned that my heart melted. I am so touched)

We brought Kellen some birthday flowers. When everyone arrived we all talked and then we took a notepad and we each wrote him a letter. We rolled our letters up in tiny scrolls and tied them to the balloons.

All together we released our letters and sent them to Kellen. Watching the balloons was really beautiful. I felt peaceful and happy. After the balloon release we all went back to our apartment where we ate a birthday cake and visited more. It was a good day to think of our adorable baby boy.

His birthday was perfect, with moments to miss him and moments to celebrate him.

We love you Kellen, and we miss you every second of every day!

Miss

Remember how I used to know how to blog?
I miss that.

Here's an embarrassing story about "missing" just to get things rolling again...

I had a crush on a friend of mine in High School. I was two years behind him in school and met him through the wrestling team. I was a wrestling manager. In my mind he was the dream guy. He was the popular attractive senior and I was the scrawny, awkward, late-blooming, gap-toothed sophomore. I remember being surprised every time he spoke to me.  If I walked into a crowded room, say a pep assembly or a wrestling tournament, I would find him without meaning to. I just noticed him all the time.

Much to my happy surprise, my wrestler boy seemed to notice me sometimes. One day he saw me walking home from school and he drove up to me. He rolled down his window and asked if I wanted a ride. It was the first time we had a conversation of any length or substance. I loved it.
This started many many days of rides home after practice, and sometimes we would just sit in his truck outside my parents house and talk for hours. I began to fall for who he was as a person, which was a wonderful compliment to how physically attracted to him I was. I never could believe, despite the fact that he was increasingly flirty with me, that he was even a little interested in me.

Then one day, wrestler boy asked me to go see a movie with him. I was elated and surprised. I agreed to the date, trying to make it sound like it was no big deal even though I'm pretty sure I thought I was dreaming. (Crushes are weird)

When he picked me up, I remember thinking that I hoped he didn't realize he was much too good looking for me. We went to see the movie Secondhand Lions. We sat in the theater and were being especially flirty. We laughed through the first few minutes and teased each other.

He seemed more nervous than usual, and that helped me feel strangely more confident. He seemed to be enjoying my company which helped dispel my irrational fear that I was somehow the target of an elaborate prank.
Luckily, he seemed to really want to be there with me.

 A few minutes into the show, wrestler boy took the armrest that was between us and put it up. 

He scooted a little closer to me.

I sat frozen, trying to keep myself from screwing this up somehow.

He went for it.  His arm slowly lifted and he put it behind my head and over my shoulders. (My heartbeat could now be heard over the sound of the movie)

Nobody had ever put their arm around me during a movie before, but it seems like a natural enough concept. He puts his arm around you. You rest your head on his shoulder. They do it in movies all the time. I felt sure I could handle it.

 As is arm came to rest behind my head, propping it forward uncomfortably,  I began to look for the comfortable spot on his shoulder.  I slid my head over slowly and waited for a little pocket where I should rest my head. It wasn't where i thought it wold be. "Maybe I'm doing it wrong", I thought. So I moved my head down a little lower, right over his chest. However, I was still uncomfortably holding my head up. Of course I thought, "I must be almost there." So I slid my head down EVEN LOWER. Suddenly, I realize that the back of my head is now resting under his sternum.

There is no going back now. I had gone WAY too far. I had to act like this was my sneaky way of cuddling. I needed him to think this was intentional. So he sat there with his arm now resting over my back. I was completely arched over sideways with my head pretend resting on his stomach. (He was fit, there was no belly to actually rest on. My neck muscles had to do all the work.) I stared into the black plastic seat in front of me and held my position. I pretended I could see the screen and that this was an intentional cuddle.

He sat pretty still, probably wondering what was going on and finally whispered, "Are you comfortable like that?"

I turned my head in some contortionist move so I could see him and smiled and said, "YUP!" and he goes, "okay.... You sure? it doesn't look that comfy." I said, "I'm great!"

I was 50% mortified that I failed so miserably at resting my head on him and ended up holding my head up awkwardly around his belly button, but also 50% extatic that he made a move in the first place. I wasn't going to give up the latter to fix the current predicament.

Probably a good 15 MINUTES later I made some silly joke and sat up again because well, my neck was killing me and I couldn't see the screen. He removed his arm from around me and we sat normally he rest of the show. I was so embarrassed.

I wasn't surprised when he didn't try to hold my hand that night. He was probably afraid I would miss and end up holding his foot.

Boo!

There are a ton of kids who live around us and they play in the courtyard behind our house all the time. They LOVE to play with Moose so sometimes I walk him back there to let them play fetch with him. A couple of days ago, after they wore Moose out and we played hide-and-seek, I started to leave and I said, "Thanks for playing with us!" The youngest little girl yelled, "Thanks! You're the best!" That felt good. I said, "No you are! Have a happy Halloween!" 

The kids all stopped smiling and stood there looking all defeated and said, "We don't celebrate it." I'm pretty sure they even kicked the leaves in the grass in front of them. I wanted to say, "I'm so sorry! That's the saddest thing I've ever heard! Come to my house and I'll celebrate it with you!" But of course, I just said, "Oh I see. Well have a fun week! I'll bring Moose out again soon!" 

I'm sure they are used to having to explain to people that they don't celebrate Halloween, but I still felt bad about bumming them out. But then it happened again.

There is a man I worked with who has the same name as my husband. So I live with and work with a Lou Taylor. (Lucas' family calls him Lou all the time and I do every now and then) They are both awesome. Yesterday, Lou from work brought his little boy to the dealership.

Naturally, seeing a little kid on Halloween makes me ask things like "What are you going to be for Halloween?!" and "Are you excited to Trick-or-Treat?!". So when I saw Lou, his son runs up to me and says, "Hello." I say, "Hello! It's so good to see you! Are you excited for Halloween?" 

Poor kid looks at the floor and says, "I can't do Halloween." Since I know that Lou doesn't have a religious reason for his kids not celebrating Halloween, I assume his son doesn't like it or gets scared. So I pour salt on the wound and say, "Oh really? Do you not like it?" and he says, "No I do like it! But my mom wont let me go!"    oops. I look at Lou and try to give him a look that will say 'Sorry I riled up your son about how unfair this is!' He smiles at me. I say to his son, "Its okay, buddy, it can still be a fun day!" Lou smiles and says, "Yeah!" 

Whoops. 

For us, our Halloween was a mellow one. We went to a haunted house a few days ago with Hayley, my sis-in-law. It was pretty scary. (After the haunted straw maze in Rexburg, nothing is as scary to me as it once was.) I did fall down once while running away from a man with a fake chainsaw. That and people on stilts scare me the most in haunted houses. And somehow I always fall down at least once. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Just before I left work, Lou's son came up to me and asked if i can use my computer to play games. I told him, "I need it for about a half an hour, and then you can have it. Would you like me to come find you when I'm all finished?" He looked at me for a second and said, "You don't have to find me because...well...I can just find my own self." I struggled to hold back a laugh. So funny! I said, "Okay buddy." Then he ran off. 

Five minutes later I took a document to one of my co-workers and when I got back all my stuff had been piled up on the desk and there was Lou's cute blond son sitting at the computer clicking away at a pinball game. 

He wasted no time! I felt bad about our Halloween conversation so I let him keep playing. I went over and gathered my stuff and said, "You found yourself so fast!" He didn't look away from the computer and said, "Uh huh!" I laughed and told him I'd see him later. 

Kids are so cool.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Speaking of Halloween... I have a Halloween pet peeve. It has always bugged me when parents claim their kids' trick-or-treating candy. For example, some families let their kids pick a handful of their favorites and then everything goes into a "Family Pot". Other parents will try to sneak handfuls of their candy away to limit the amount their kids eat. Others see their kids' candy stash as theirs and they get excited and eat it all. 

This blows my mind for more than the following reasons:

• You are an adult. If you want candy, you just go buy some of your own.
• This might surprise you, but your kids don't go trick-or-treating to meet the neighbors.
•  They work hard for that candy! Every time someone puts something in their bucket they gets SO HAPPY. Don't rob them, it's just mean.
• Halloween is once a year. Let them eat Candy!

Anyway, time to get excited for Thanksgiving- My favorite Holiday!


Pumpkin picture by Kristen Pierson.

Quickly turn it upside down and smile that frown away

About a month ago I got a new calling at Church. I keep saying I want a real calling, so I was excited with the Bishopric wanted to come over to figure out what we are good at  meet us. We have a guitar in our family room. I got is as a present one year and played it a little bit, but have since forgotten how to play. I do love guitars though, and I like having one in the front room. When people come over who know how to play, they pick it up and play some things and I love that. It also does a good job of hiding some unsightly cables.

So the bishopric knocks on the door, we let them inside and they immediately see the guitar and you can almost literally see their eyes light up. They dont jump right into the assessment of skills though. We talk for about a half an hour about life and our history, what brought us to Centennial etc. Then they say, "So what are you past callings?" Lucas has an impressive list to give them. (I know- all callings are important- but it does feel like a job interview) I tell them my last calling was to turn off the lights at the church and make sure the doors were locked every other week. Also to support Lucas in the bishopric of a BYU-I Single student ward.

The second counselor leans his head towards the guitar and hopefully asks "So you are pretty musical then? I see you play guitar!" and I say, "I have no musical talent, actually. I can't read music or sing and I played that about four years ago and can't remember anything." He looks disappointed. And because I feel some sort of maternal need to take care of everyone, I feel the need to make him feel better. I say, "I think my only real talent is working with children."  Relief washed over his face while Lucas' eyes almost get a glazed look as I'm sure he gets a vision of spending the next year in Nursery or as a Primary teacher.

We finish the meeting and say goodbye to the bishopric. Lucas says, "Yup. We're going to be in Primary!" (Primary is like Sunday school and singing time with 3  to 12-year-old kids)

A couple weeks later Lucas comes home from work and says, "The Bishopric will be here in 15 minutes. They want to talk to us. Callings."

20 minutes later I am asked to be the Primary Chorister. Enter terror and trembling.

I AM good with kids, but unfortunately, I am not a singer. And I'm not a soprano or even close to it. I also felt nervous about coming in not knowing the kids at all. I could have said 'Thanks but no thanks. I don't sing." but I firmly believe that if you are asked to do a calling in the church, even if it is a misguided call, you will be blessed to be able to fulfill it if you go into it with faith.

I was super stressed about it for a month before my first Sunday. Stress caused me to have night terrors about it. I dreamed my  mom was sitting with the youngest kids in a tiny chair and yelling out "You're doing this wrong! This is ALL WRONG!" It was horrible. (P.S. My mom is never critical. so that made it worse)

The night before my first Sunday, I stayed up all night coloring posters and making games to help the kids sing some songs and teach them a new one. I was prepared, but not ready. I guess the best way to learn is just to jump in, though. So Primary started and luckily, when it was my turn, it took just over 1 second in front of the kids to become comfortable. Working with kids is a talent of mine, and I just had to rely on it.

We played a Halloween game and sang about 5 songs in silly ways, then I started teaching them a new song. I think the teaching was rough and a little rushed, but for my first Sunday I think it was okay. I'm sure the only people who noticed my transitions were messy were the teachers, but they were all just happy to have someone else entertaining the kids. By the end of my time singing the kids were all happy. Sure, I had to sing a few of the songs out of the book because I didn't remember them, and maybe my 4:4 conducting turned into more of a Nike Swoosh mid-song, but it was still successful. I learned what I will do differently next time. I started learning some of the kids names. It was also really fun. I laughed at some of the things they said and it was fun to come up with an idea that got them so excited. I think I'll be okay.

The best thing about my first Sunday was help I got after prayer. I was so nervous that I showed up to church half an hour early. I sat in the chapel and prayed for help. I prayed that I could focus on teaching the kids and not be distracted with my inability to sing the songs or hit the high notes. Imagine my gratitude when it wasn't even an issue while i was singing. I sang the songs and hit the notes without even trying. And while that may not seem like a big deal to you, it was a miracle for me.

So looks like I'll be belting out songs about Popcorn Popping and Sunbeams 24/7 for the foreseeable future. My frown has turned upside down. I can do this. 

P.S. Lucas got called to be Elder's Quorum instructor. His first Sunday was good. He's a powerhouse and a fearless teacher. He wasn't even worried and when I asked him how it went he didn't even write a really long and detailed blog about it. He simply said, "It was pretty good!" and when he could tell I needed more details he said, " Not the best lesson in the world, but not the worst. So, yup." Sometimes I wish i could tell a story in so few words. (Don't hold your breath)

Adoption

Things with adoption are going more slowly than I would like. However, that's probably because I feel ready today and these things take time. Waiting for our children makes each day feel longer than it might otherwise. However we have been really busy and continuing to progress.

Lucas is getting really good at his job at the funeral home. He has come home and told me some of the saddest and sweetest stories. I love how gentle he is with the families and I can tell how they can sense his love. I'm so proud of him. He is getting more and more successful and the more families he is able to help, the more our family is helped. So things just keep getting better.

I have spent a lot of time lately on the phone with the county, and different adoption agencies. We have been looking online at adoption profiles for children looking for homes and of course I fall in love with every child. We have to have our home study finished before we can inquire about any of the children, so we are trying to do that as quickly as possible.

Right now we are starting our home study. It takes a couple months, but we are determined to get it done quickly so we can be ready whenever our miracle happens. I appreciate all of the support that has been given to us as we go through this journey, and I am so grateful for my wonderful family and friends for sending me possible situations and anything the hear about adoption.

Soon our home study will be done and we will be able to get farther than falling in love with these children and daydreaming about being parents.

The other day I asked Lucas how often he thinks about adoption and about being a dad and he said, "All the time. Constantly." Oh how I love him. Our children will be so lucky to have him as a Dad.

So keep your prayers coming. Keep sending us situations. You never know when it might be right. Just a little while until our home study is done and we will be "paper pregnant" and we can be chosen at any time. Thank you for spreading the word.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

By the way, our adoption blog is being really weird. I am trying to get a new one built and ready and we are shooting videos soon that will have interviews with us and we will tell our stories and show you our home. I am really excited about it. So please be patient while we get our adoption blog up and running again, it will be done shortly. 

If your toilets all break, you're about to lie to a bunch of Baptists.

I opened my eyes this morning to see Lucas dressed in his Sunday best, walking in and out of the bathroom. He was calling my name, waking me up to tell me that he plugged my phone in and set my alarm and he had to leave for work. He let me know that he already took Moose outside and fed him breakfast. His voice got a little stressed as he then explained that he had to leave but unfortunately, both of our toilets are broken.

 
Understanding but not fully comprehending the problem, I assured him  he should not be late and that I would be fine. I mumbled something about hiring a plumber and that I could just go to the bathroom at church.  His worry seemed like the bigger issue here, so I reassured him that I would not touch the toilets and I would figure something out. He seemed reassured, kissed me goodbye and left for work.  I got cuddled back in my blankets next to Moose and went back to sleep. 

Half an hour later I woke up and desperately had to go to the bathroom. I got out of bed and during the short walk to the restroom, I remembered making a promise about a plumber and about not touching the toilets.  As I realized relief was not just feet away, I suddenly had to go even more than I did before. Eeerrm. I started bouncing around while I tried to come up with a plan that didn't include using a broken toilet.

As quickly as I could, I slid into some jeans, threw my hair into a pony tail and put on a T-shirt. I grabbed my keys and ran to the front door. "Sorry, Bud, you have to stay." I said to a confused and disappointed Moose as I went outside. I locked the door and ran down the two flights of stairs and out into the parking lot. Our apartment complex is next door to a gas station, and though I had planned on driving to the nearby Walgreens, this seemed a better option. I turned and ran across the complex at an inconvenient and steady incline, crossed the road and went into the gas station.
 I greeted the girl at the counter and walked directly back to the bathroom.

Using my leg to kick the door open I looked inside and immediately wished I had tried to fix our toilet instead of coming here. It was FILTHY- a royal pee palace. I may or may not have, but definitely did gag a few times as I wadded up handfuls of paper towels and started cleaning what would be required in order even consider using the restroom. I washed my hands as fast and as well as as I could, forced myself to do my business, and then re-washed my hands while mentally shaking a fist at our broken toilets.

The walk home was much more enjoyable and I realized for the first time that it was a beautiful day. When I got home, I got Moose and took him out to the grassy area outside our apartment. He sniffed a few leaf piles and then heard another dog coming around the corner and took off after him. I yelled for him to stop and come back to me. "Moose, NO! Come back. Hey, Moose-come!"  He looked at me for a second, then  half obeyed and slowed his sprint to a walk, as if I wouldn't notice he was still going away from me. When the owner of the other dog saw Moose coming towards her, she instantly went into full on survival mode.

She jumped backwards behind her dog (who was standing completely still -unaware of Moose-sniffing the grass) and started yelling "THIS IS NOT GOOD! THIS IS BAD! GET THAT DOG! THIIIIIIIIISSSS ISNOTGOOD!!!" she pulled on her dog's leash as if it were trying to attack Moose, instead of being unaware of him.  I was confused at her reaction and walked over to Moose, who had stopped walking to stare at the crazy lady, and picked him up. I was about to apologize because clearly she felt she had nearly escaped death, when she blew up again! "THAT DOG SHOULD BE ON A LEASH! IT IS CENTENNIAL LAW! IT'S AN H.O.A. RULE! I MEAN...PFF..UUGHH. IT'S THE LAW!" I was in shock at how this had escalated in her mind, and just stood there for a second a looked at her. Then after a few silent seconds too long I said, "Your dog is really pretty." I cannot explain this response and I have no idea why I chose that to say, but the scowl disappeared from her face and she said "Your puppy is cute too!" and she practically skipped away.

I waiting until she was around the corner before I set Moose down and we both classified that as a weird encounter.

Once back inside I got ready for church and looked up directions to the stake center, a church building I had never been to before, because it was Stake conference today. I studied the map and the directions seemed simple enough so I figured I would be able to get there and would recognize the church building when I saw it.

I said goodbye to Moose again, locked the house, and got in the car. I got off the highway  at the right exit and started driving down the street looking for a church building. I saw a steeple right where I was expecting and made a quick right and pulled into a parking lot. It seemed a little empty for a conference Sunday, but I just figured everyone was late. I walked around to the first door I saw and it was locked. A nice girl was pulling in to a parking spot and asked if I needed some help. I said, "Sure. I've never been to this building before. It's different than all the other church buildings, haha, Im just looking for a way in."
She looked confused by  my comment but said, "The entrance is just around this way, this is kind of a side way in, but it works." I thanked her, and noticed a beautiful stained glass window as I went in the door. I thought Weird. The church must have bought this building after another church owned it. We dont usually have stained glass windows like that.

I followed the girl inside and as soon as I heard the drums and the electric guitar I knew I was in the wrong place.  This was not even close to an LDS church. Only then did I become aware that the pattern in the stained glass window was of a big cross. Unfortunately, it was too late to save face and get out of there unseen. The girl who helped me had walked in and sat with a group of people, but the pastor was coming towards me, arm outstretched and a huge grin on his face.

He reached his hand out to me, genuinely thrilled to see a new face and said, "WELCOME! Are you new here? We are SO glad to have you!" I shook his hand and smiled. I was now totally embarrassed that I got this far in before realizing I was in the wrong church. Before I could answer he pulled me by the arm over to a table and showed me their program and some pictures of pastors on the wall and invited me to a trunk-r-treat. He was so nice and so truly happy that I panicked.  After his greeting I realized that I had  been surrounded by who I assume are his wife, a youth pastor and his wife, and another gentleman.

They all shook my hand and welcomed me to the service. It was a bit overwhelming and I hadn't even had a chance to explain I had just come into the wrong building. (No wonder the girl looked so confused when I said 'This building is different than all the other church buildings!' haha)

Finally with all their faces smiling and expectant, the first man said, "So who are you here with? Are you waiting for a young lady or a young man?" And then for some reason I can't explain I replied, "...a girl."
Great move, smarty pants. Couldn't I have just said, I'm actually just looking for the LDS church? BAH!

"What's her name?" More smiles. They wanted to know who to thank for bringing a visitor.
And because I'm so quick on my feet I say,

"I dont know."

Awesome! REALLY Genius! 

They look really confused and nobody says anything. Then, as if I can't control it, I tell another lie, "I just met her at work. She told me to meet her at the church on Yale. Her last name is Taylor." Seriously, how does a person get this creative? Somehow I thought of my OWN last name!

They say, "Hmmm Taylor, huh? I dont recognize the name from here. Taylor. Hmm, well why dont you come inside and stay and maybe she'll come." and then one guy hands me a form and says "Will you fill out this visitor form please?" They are all so nice and smiley, and I feel guilty so I smile and start to fill it out. Question one: "Last Name". Great, my "friend" is Taylor. I'm such an idiot. How is this happening?

I write my name is Amber Thompson and fill out the other questions, then leave the form on the little table. The people are still trying to figure out who Ms. Taylor is and inviting me inside. They finally ask me, "What does she look like?" and I spit out, "About my height maybe? My color hair?"

More lies?! More horribly uncreative lies? What is wrong with me?
 
Realizing that I now had them looking for ME while they hunt for this mysterious "co-worker", I try to get an out and say, "You know, I dont even know if I'm at the right place. I havent seen her. She just said go to the church on Yale."

They said "Well that's here then. We are so glad to have you...." 
I say, "I should just go outside and wait, or maybe I'll call her and see if this is the right place." I go outside hoping to just dash away, but THEY ALL FOLLOW ME.

I pretend to text my fake friend who looks like and is me. I wait a second and then hold up my phone as if it had the answers and I say, "Ah! Yeah my friend is at the Mormon church! So I'm at the wrong place! Sorry about that! Thanks!" And they looked at me like I had punched them and as I walked down the path to the car they yelled after me, "Bring your friend Taylor back here! We are a lot different than Mormons! You'll like it!" and I waved and said "Bye!"

Then when I got in the car I took off my pants because they were on fire. Then I drove around the corner to the LDS church to make up for my Lies.  


What a weird morning.

Moose is the best dog

Enjoy

Um, you guys.....this girl is TWELVE YEARS OLD. And she wrote those songs. I'm obsessed. I may be responsible for a huge chunk of these video views, but seriously. If I could have any talent, it would be to be able to do that. Also, When we watched the next two I laughed until I cried. Repeat.

Ramblings

Every now and then I get so behind on my blog that catching up seems so exhausting so I start blogs and never finish them. That usually leads to a blog of ramblings where I take all the detail out of stories just to make sure I have my life updated. This is one of those times. (Surprise!)

Kellen finally has his headstone. It is beautiful. We love it. It is a little more masculine than Molly's and it has the quote from something Lucas said to Kellen when we were dressing him before his service. It is really really special to us. If you were one of the many people who make donations for Kellens headstone and funeral services, THANK YOU! If I could I would hug you forever. I cannot express how truly thankful I am for your donations and love. We couldn't have felt the peace we do without your help. Here is the beautiful gift you gave us and to our son. Lucas let me know when it was being installed since he works there now. We were able to see it being placed and to visit both babies for a while. It was a really great moment for all of us. I love my babies. I love my family. I love my friends. We are so blessed.

 

We found out that LDS Family services is now working with an agency to do home studies here and if we work through them we will be able to still get an itsaboutlove adoption profile up through LDSFS. This is great news! Now we will be able to have our profile up with TWO agencies so maybe our chances of getting found by the mom who is looking for us even better. Speaking of adoption, we can get a homestudy now because we found a great new apartment! Stay tuned for better pictures, but here's a sneak peek:

Family Room

Entry

One half of the kitchen. I love the cabinets :)

I had to include a grainy cell phone picture of this awesome closet!

Huge windows that Moose can see out of all day :) He likes to watch the neighbor kids play outside

Lucas is still hard at work at the cemetery. He has helped a bunch of people already, including helping to comfort a family who lost a baby at birth. I love knowing he is able to use our experiences to help other people. I just love him.

I have been super dizzy lately. It got so bad that at one point I had to leave work early and lay on the couch all night because I was so afraid I would pass out. It wasn't like room-spinning dizziness. I was dizzy because I get close to passing out over and over. It's super confusing and pretty annoying to deal with. I went to the doctor and all my blood tests and my EKG came back normal. They want to do a heart monitor and an EEG on my brain to see what is going on. Luckily, it has gotten better the last couple days, so if it goes away I might cancel the brain $can (if you know what I mean).

Lucas took me on a date yesterday when I got off work. We went bowling and to a movie and it was so so much fun. We were laughing so much and had so much fun. He won It was great!

My job is going well still. It is getting hard to me to stay super motivated because I am underpaid. I'm nervous to ask for a raise, though.  The salary sounded fantastic since we were fresh from Idaho (where 9 dollars an hour is a decent paying job). However, trying to live on that kind of money here in Colorado is a bit harder. Luckily Lucas got his job, but still, I need to ask for a raise (scary!).

I carved a little wooden house that is adorable. Except while I was carving it I accidentally stabbed myself in the hand. I ran to the kitchen to clean the blood gushing from my hand and Lucas ran to help me. All the sudden my whole body got really warm and I felt really sick and I just had enough time to warn Lucas that I was about to pass out and I went unconcious.  Apparantly I collapsed and whacked my head on the cabinets and Lucas tried to catch me and lay me on the ground while my face twitched like crazy and I made weird sounds. Eeeeeee. I woke up and felt horrible.  Luckily, Lucas took pictures of me to show me later because he knew it would entertain me.

That night Lucas woke up to me sleep walking right into the wall. I'm a train wreck. hahaha!

 There neighborhood behind our apartment complex is the most beautiful and American feeling neighborhood I've ever seen. We fell in love the first time we walked Moose through it, and we are determined to live there. So when we leave this fantastic apartment, we will move to the best and most stunning neighborhood ever to exist. Life is so amazing.

Here are some funny conversations Lucas and I had the other day while we were working.
You should know, Lucas is scared of claw-foot bathtubs. He thinks he will get killed in it if we get one. That boy...he slays me.

The other day at work there was a guy with two little kids with him while he was buying a car. The little girl was really shy and started crying whenever anyone tried to play with her. I think she was about 14 months old. I came out of my office when I heard her and smiled at her from across the room. She walked really really slowly over to me and held her arms up to me. So I picked her up and she smiled at me and then just let me hold her and we started coloring pictures. I held her on my lap and we colored and I gave her Acura stickers from my office. Then after about 20 minutes her brother came over to us, he was about 5, and asked me why I was holding his sister. I told him it was because she wanted me to, and he said, "Oh I see. I'm Talon!" Then we talked for a while and I asked if he liked books and I walked them both over to the kid section and we read stories and acted like we were eating all the food in the books. Talon was all over it. He was rolling on the couch after "eating" handfuls of cake in the story and saying "So much cake! Now I feel sick!" And I said, "Me too!!! We ate wayyy to much food! I think..I think we turned into cake!" and Talon rolled around and said, "Now I'm Chocolate Cake!!! AAHHH!" we laughed and ate pictures of veggies to turn ourselves back into people. We read a few more books and while we were reading their Dad came over and offered me a job as their nanny. He just kept watching us playing and kept asking me to be their nanny.  haha  I gave him my number and told him I would love to watch his kids anytime.

Playing with those cute kids made me ache even more to adopt and be a mom. I should be a mother. Raising children is all I ever wanted and I just feel RIGHT when I'm caring for kids, I always have. They make me so happy. So maybe I'll get some babysitting jobs out of it. Playing with them also made me miss the kids I have nannied. Especially Kelsey, who was the age of the little girl. I still dream about her sometimes. I fell so in love with her, its really sad for me to think she might not even remember me.

Oh, and we have an amazing new ward. It feels like home already and everyone is so loving and genuine. I never want to change wards. I have felt so amazing every Sunday when we go home. Its the best feeling.

This blog took an unexpected turn down memory lane. Anyway, life is pretty amazing. We are happy and blessed, but we are also still waiting.  I'll leave you with this video of Moose that you will probably find boring, but I think he's adorable.