Getting back into school is so exciting to me. It is making me feel useful again. Like suddenly its not just Lucas that is working hard to help our family be the best it can.
I re-applied to school with the intention of becoming a nurse. The nurses who were there the night Molly died were wonderful, comforting, sympathetic, and full of love. It was inspiring. It actually really did ease some of the pain. It made me want to be there like that for other couples who may go through something similar. I have always loved hospitals, and the medical atmosphere, and considered being a nurse before this happened. However, after going through something like that my resolve to be a nurse was much stronger.
One of my nurses sat with me and held my hand as I cried during the 45 minutes I was alone, laying in bed, wondering if Lucas was with Molly in another hospital. While I wondered if my baby would make it. I didn't know her, I dont even think I looked at her. I dont think I answered her when she talked to me. All I know is that I felt her there holding my hand, and I didn't feel alone. I appreciated it.
Another nurse quietly stood in the room while Lucas and I were with Molly and took pictures of us. She was not in our face, she was not trying to make it a photo shoot. She said nothing, she sat there with tears falling down her face taking pictures so we could preserve a bit of this moment. She didn't have to do that. We didn't ask her to, she just did it. I wouldn't have the pictures of us with Molly had she not been there for us.
When Lucas gave a blessing to both me and Molly, the nurses stood in the room, and just listened and cried with us. They didn't feel like an invasion to our privacy, they were SO respectful.
Another nurse took pictures after Molly passed away and they were putting her in a new dress. (I will forever wish I had done this) She got pictures of Molly's feet and hands, and pictures we didn't think of (we weren't thinking of anything. Our world was shattered). The next day was her day off, but she still went and got the pictures printed and brought them to the hospital for us. It was SO kind.
I want to be one of these women. I feel I have love to give, and I know how much of a difference it can make.
Sounds like I know for sure its what I want right? You would think.
My other passion is for children in the foster care system, and children headed there. As you may have noticed in my dream blog I dream about orphans and saving babies all the time.
Few things make me more upset than seeing child's whole life tick by without the loving family they deserve. I am passionate about this. I think about it and talk about it all the time. Many times I have sat in front of the computer reading the stories of the poor children around the world who have grown up being passed from horrible situation to horrible situation. I ache for the life they are missing out on. I want to hold them and tell them I love them. I want to be the person who NEVER gives up on them. I read their stories until I can't handle any more and I am bawling in bed and Lucas is holding me and promising we will adopt children when we can.
Recently something happened where I felt that I was in a position to try and help a baby who was about to be adopted into a family that was completely unstable and unable to provide the love and care she would need. It is a very messy situation and I dont want to post too many details, but lets just say the children this family currently has are at risk of being taken away and the fact that this private adoption might go through is making me sick to my stomach. I witnessed the neglect, and drug use going on in that family. More details would leave you agreeing with me, I promise.
So I am currently doing all I know how to in an effort to help this baby end up in loving arms of capable parents. I would do it, I would raise her. There are SO many parents waiting, hoping, and praying for the chance to have a child enter their home because they are unable to have children. Why dont THEY have this chance? I want a deserving family to get this baby.
So I called DCFS. I called their lawyer. I wrote a letter. I called the hospital. I am trying to save this baby. And you know what? I have never felt more needed. Something that REALLY matters is happening. Everyday I wake up with a purpose, a baby needs me. It might not be MY baby, but it is a baby who needs to find a home.
I know I'm doing the right thing. I know this child, and the children in that home already deserve a better life. They are entitled to it.
The fire inside me about helping children who have, by no fault of their own, ended up in love-less, abusive, neglectful, drug filled, and parentless lives is growing and growing. It is making me consider a degree in social work.
I want to help these kids. I want to help the families who need the kids as these kids need them.
Did you know that a child's chance of getting adopted after they are 3 years old drops so significantly that in some countries they are marked as "unadoptable" and placed in homes where the government becomes their parents for life? THREE years old. It breaks my heart.
Some children have funds of money to be given to the parents who will adopt them to help with costs of the legal adoption and medical care. But it sits there and sits there and sits there. Nobody wants these children. Too many people dont even consider a child older than infancy. I can see why you want a child at infancy. I COMPLETELY understand. But I feel for these other children who didn't find a home, and now are property of the country or state they reside in and are either raised in an orphanage watching the children around them get adopted, or they are bounced around from foster family to foster family. They go to homes and make bonds and still feel that its just fostering. Maybe they aren't good enough to become a forever part of the family? Maybe its too expensive? Maybe they are too troubled? I dont know. Some people foster instead of adopting because they get paid a monthly amount and they want the check.
(Please dont think I'm against foster parenting. I would love to be a foster parent. My only fear is that I will want to adopt all of them and will have 15 kids before I'm 30, and then what help am I?)
I want to help people see the joy changing the life of these children can bring. I want to show them that you can love them as you would love your own. I want to help people who already know this find the child that was meant for them. I want these kids who didn't get adopted as babies to find their homes. I want to help!
Work today was INSANE. It started out alright, Lucas and I got to work together. We had the 3 to 11 shift, and my sister Emily was babysitting Moose with her friends having a girls night at our apartment. All is well at the SpringHill Suites.
or is it...
Lucas went into the pool/spa area to check the pool towels and make sure the pool was clean and he noticed a couple (they are repeat guests/offenders) drinking some beers in the hot tub. We just had a meeting yesterday where we were reminded that food and drink is not allowed in the hotel, and we need to ask people who bring food or beverages in to the pool area to please throw it out or eat it outside of the pool area.
So Lucas walks up to the guests and basically tells them that he doesn't want to be the bad guy, but he has to ask that they don't drink in the pool area, and that food and drink is not allowed, especially not alcohol. The guests seemed annoyed but said okay. Lucas leaves.
He comes to the front desk and tells me that he asked them not to drink. About a half hour later I check our camera (the only way we can see the pool area from the front desk) and see that the couple is still drinking beers, and not trying to hide it. Just ignoring Lucas. A few seconds later I see their daughter get out of the pool and read the sign that and says loudly (thats why i heard it on our horrible mic on the camera) "See Dad! Right here...no alcoholic beverages" They kinda shrug her off and keep drinking.
I hate yelling at people. I dont want to upset them. I dont want the confrontation, but I figure I will go talk to them anyway. Do my job.
I walk in and as soon as I open the door the guest looks at me, grabs another beer and cracks it open. I smile at him.
"Excuse me, I'm very sorry to interrupt but I'm going to have to ask you to not drink in the pool area."
The man SSSIIIGGGHHHS and rolls his eyes and starts telling me that they have come before and there were kids being loud in the pool and THEY never got yelled at. Then there was a time there was a baby in the pool and THEY never got yelled at. He tells me he feels targeted because nobody else ever gets yelled at.
(I want to say "you're right. I should have known that you LIVE here and have seen EVERY SINGLE guest here and we have NEVER scolded anyone but you.)
but instead I say "I'm sorry if you had an unpleasant experience before, and I wish that someone had said something to a disruptive guest so you could have enjoyed your experience-" INTERRUPED "YEAH THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE. There were BABIES in the hot tub, that is ILLEGAL. NOBODY said anything to them." I say "I was not working that day sir, I apologize nothing was done. I am just trying to enforce the rules now so that other guests can enjoy their experience as well and because it's my job." He gets more mad and says "Those other guests RUINED my experience, its happened THREE times!" "I am very sorry sir, and I promise if I see someone with a baby in the hot tub I will ask them it is not allowed" He gives a big fake laugh. I'm getting mad.
I say "I'm just doing my job" He says "I'm SURE YOU ARE!" sarcastically and gets up and throws his beers away.
Yikes. I stare at them for a couple seconds too long to make them realize I think they are being absurd before leaving the pool room.
I'm shaking because I feel bad for upsetting them. I really was just doing what I was told. But he did jump down my throat as if I had been waiting for THEM to check in and was just so happy to get to yell at them.
About an hour later his wife comes to the front desk eyebrows raised and arguments ready in her pistol. "um, how did you even know we were drinking?" I say "we have a camera." She says "uh huh. So how come you didn't yell at the family that went in after us that had a baby in the pool" ( I didn't see any baby in the pool, i saw the family that went in and they did not have an infant) I say "I'm sorry I did not see a baby. I was working on things and checking people in and out and dont just watch the camera all day" she says "SO you were here for an HOUR and didn't notice a baby in the hot tub, but you DID happen to see us drinking?!" "Yes. Our maintenance man told me you were drinking and he asked you to please not do so. So I was watching for it." She looks appalled. She says "Whats so wrong with drinking in the pool anyway? We have been to TONS of marriotts and they all let us drink." I said "It is a Marriott rule, ma'am. I dont know why they dont enforce it, but it is a rule here. I am just doing my job." She says "It is not a Marriott rule. This is the first time anyone said anything" I say I'm sorry but it is a rule. She then says that she had a baby poop in the hot tub and ruin her experience here. I apologize. She goes ON and ON and ON swearing here and there and telling me how basically we chose them to yell at and never yell at anyone else. (we actually remind all rule breakers of our rules) I am getting SO fed up with her. Then she goes on a huge rant telling me that we are Profiling them because they aren't Mormon and Mormons dont drink. That that is a rule here because everyone is Mormon. I say "We were not profiling you at all. It is a Marriott rule. We tell everyone we see is drinking not to drink in the pool area. You are free to drink in your room. There is no rule that alcohol is not allowed in the hotel." She bratty laughs and says "You ARE profiling us! You didnt yell at ANYONE ELSE!"
I said "Ma'am I'm sorry I had to come in and ask you to throw it away. You had already been told not to bring it into the pool. Its a public pool, and that is a rule here." She says "You didn't tell ME anything before" I said "Our maintenance guy told your husband, then. And your husband told you" "How do you know he told me?" I said "I could see you talking about it, and heard your daughter show you the rule on the sign" SHE GETS SOOOOOO MAD. She says "I'm not even listening to you anymore! You could HEAR us!? You were listening to our PRIVATE CONVERSATIONS?! What is your name?! WHAT IS YOUR NAME?!"
(Um, of course we are going to have a way to be able to see and hear what goes on in our hotel. Its because SOME people can't be trusted, and we need to be able to be sure our guests are safe--- if you want privacy GO TO YOUR PRIVATE ROOM. That public pool area isn't really the best kept secret)
I say "Amber" She says "AMBER WHAAAAT?" LIke I'm deaf. I say"Amber Taylor" She says "I'm going to be talking to Marriott about you." I say "okay."
She comes back a few seconds later after storming off and says "I want your managers card. I will be contacting him." I say "Sure." Lucas hands her a card. (He walked up about halfway through the argument) She takes it and stomps off.
(That is the shortened and censored version)
About 15 minutes later her husband comes down. I am currently checking in a big group of older people. We are all laughing and talking and I'm checking them in and talking to them about movies. (Enjoying showing him that I am unaffected by them- even though I was shaking)
He gets SO mad. He starts by saying "I waited until they left to save some embarrassment...blah blah blah" Then he GOES OFF. I dont even remember everything he was saying because he was so mad it was just babbling and cursing.
He starts yelling at me and tells me that I was eavesdropping on them and that is so wrong and we are profiling them and he is going to contact Marriott and tell them about me. (I'm sure Bill Marriott will call up and say "Amber. Please do not enforce rules or listen to your boss....HAH! PLEASE Call him, lets have a chat with Bill Marriott you dummy!)
Then he starts swearing at me, and points at me and says "YOU ARE OUT OF HERE. I WANT TO TALK TO YOUR MANAGER. YOU ARE OUT OF HERE!"
He swears again and I say "Sir if you do not calm down I will call the police." He looks taken back and then SO MAD "PLEASE, CALL THE POLICE!" But starts walking away. He mumbles more profanity and Lucas starts to say something and he points at Lucas and yells. "YOU SHUT YOUR #*&!ing MOUTH!" (I think. I was so shocked I dont remember exactly, but it was short and dropped the F bomb loudly.)
WHAT IS GOING ON RIGHT NOW!?
I mumble things in shock and tell him I will have a manager call his room.
I call My manager and fill him in. He laughs at how ridiculous the guest is and transfer him. It doesn't go through so the guest calls me and says "For SOME reason your managers can't reach me. Have him call my cell phone." click.
K.
Call the manger, he says he is on his way to the hotel.
He arrives and helps his wifes grandparents to their room. While he's gone I get a call from the room. "Is he ever going to come talk to us? What is taking so long?" I say "I will call you and let you know when he is ready." "Ready?! He's here? What do you mean ready?" I say, "He is helping to check in a guest right now, he will come speak with you when he is finished." He says "Checking them in? Why? Because you don't know how to do your job?!" "Actually it's his family they needed help to their room. " "I SEE THE WAY IT WORKS" Click.
UGH.
So anyway, His wife comes down and I say "Hi! How are you?!" haha
she goes "Fine. I heard he was here." I said "He is. He is helping an elderly couple into their room. He will be down in a minute" She says "Hm. An Elderly Couple?" unbelieving. I say "Yup" She goes to wait in the lobby.
The manager comes down and sits to talk with her and she asks to talk to him in the privacy of his office.
They come out about 10 to 15 minutes later and she looks no happier than before. She walks by me and says under her breath as she passes "Lying B@#!"
Classy.
They way some people act is so crazy to me.
What was their goal? To have me say "Sorry ma'am please get drunk in our swimming area. Rules dont apply to you because you dont like rules. Here are some illegal drugs, go to town."
They were just mad they got in trouble. They didn't know how to react to not getting to do whatever they want. It was like fighting with an absurdly hairy child.
I've been through all that before, while nannying for a 5 year old.
"Hey Kyle, you cant have that."
"BUT, BUT, BUT YOU DIDN'T YELL AT DILLON FOR TAKING ONE!"
"I didn't see Dillon Take one!"
"DILLON TOOK ONE!"
"Okay. But you can't have that."
"I HATE YOU!"
So similar. So juvenile. So unexpected from adults. I sure learn to expect it more often.
Also, I ended up working a double shift. 3 pm until 7 am the next day. Still here. Going on hour 13. Keep it up good day.
Somehow my daily blog post numbering got off. I usually blog at weird times so I must have been really tired, haha.
Today is A hobby of mine and how it has changed since my loss. Well, a hobby of mine pre-pregnancy was running. I ran all the time. I loved running outside and pushing myself to go further and further each time. Before getting married I would run to Lucas' house from my house which is about 7 miles, a couple times a week, and usually around 2-3 miles the other days.
While pregnant I was SO excited for a time when I could go running again, pushing my little runners stroller with me. I could not WAIT to recover after my surgeries and get on the pavement again.
But things aren't always what you think they will be.
I did go running a few times since, and loved it. But I find my motivation is hardly there. I lost all my baby weight in about a month and half, and though I'm jiggly in different places I weigh a little less than I did before getting pregnant. However, I miss the running. I miss the time to just get lost in my music and my thoughts and to challenge myself to push my body harder than it wants to.
Losing Molly has made me want to hide inside more than anything else. Other than going to work, I have not had much motivation to go outside and do anything. I haven't wanted to spend any money, or go out and exercise at all. I just want to sit at home and clean the house or sleep or make Molly's book, blog, or just wait out another day. Each day brings me one day closer to a time when Lucas and I will be able to see her again, and sometimes getting through a day, at watching the clock is about all I have the will to do.
It's getting better, though.
___________________________________________________________________________________ I am getting really sick of this 30 day writing challenge. I Think I'll just finish it now so I can get back to my regular blogging. ___________________________________________________________________________________ Day 21) A recipe
I love lettuce wraps from P.F. Changs and have always wanted to make them. So one day I went through our food and went and picked up random stuff I thought would be good in them and made these and am now OBSESSED with them.
Spicy Asian Lettuce Wraps 1 tablespoon olive oil 2 chicken breasts 1 small onion 2-3 tablespoons soy sauce 1 tablespoon olive oil 2-3 tablespoons Sesame and Ginger asian sauce (to taste) juice from 1-2 limes 1 jalapeno pepper 1 cucumber ** ** I have also added carrots, green onions, and chopped red peppers. All Delicious. 1 cans bean sprouts 2/3 cup peanuts chopped 1 head iceburg lettuce
Put olive oil in pan on medium heat. Cut chicken into 1/2 inch cubes, and place in pan. Chop onion and add to pan
While chicken is frying, mix in a small bowl: olive oil soy sauce sesame and ginger asian sauce juice from limes set aside
Add peanuts and jalapenos and cucumber to pan with chicken fry for about 4 minutes or until jalapenos are mostly cooked Add can of bean sprouts (drained) and fry about 2 more minutes
When everything in pan is fully cooked, remove from heat and add the sauce mixture. Stir until everything is fully cooked.
Remove whole leaves of Iceburg lettuce (should look like a little bowl) Fill lettuce with the filling, roll it up like a taco and enjoy!
SO GOOD! (I'm not sure exactly on the amounts here, I made it up and just kinda threw things together without measuring...but this is a close guess..maybe.
Day 22) A website that has been meaningful since our loss.
Lucas gets no comfort online. He isn't much of a computer person. But I submitted my story to the face of loss; faces of hope website, and spent time on there reading the stories of many many strong women who have lost children, miscarried, had stillborn children, and children who have died from SIDS. It helps you to not feel so alone.
This is the same story that was on my blog, but this will take you to the site
This seems like a big task at 3:30 am. But, I really want to finish this challenge thing.
I woke up Lucas got me up from around 8:00 to about 8:20 when I finally rolled out of bed. I usually get up much easier than that, but Sundays I am usually SO comfy and tired in my bed and just dont want to start another week. But up I got.
I asked Lucas what time it was. "8:30" I panic as I realize it's Sunday and church starts at 9:00 and I seriously need a shower. I quickly pet Moose and hop in the shower, where I fall asleep standing up. Couldn't have been long because I wash up and get out of the shower, brush, blowdry and "style" my hair, put on most of my makeup and when I ask Lucas how long I have he says "5 minutes". So I rush to the room put on some clothes, grab my mascara, put on my shoes, and get to the door. I say goodbye to Moose and off we go (We can leave him home now without always coming home to poop on the floor! yay!)
We drive 5 minutes to church, where he goes right in to Elders quorum and I go to Relief Society. I walk into class and sit down, Look around at everyone's cute clothes, sing an opening song, whisper greetings to my neighbor who sits down next to me, listen to a lesson about being more aware of that one person, the one who needs our help. Learn how to not be judgemental, and to always be willing to go out of or way to serve. I think the whole time about the wonderful people who noticed us, and served us, and loved us, and continue to do so. I decide to take a book and card and love over to another family in the ward who recently lost their baby. We listen to some women share their testimonies of the gospel, and then sing a closing song, listen to the closing prayer, and then R.S. is over.
I get up and find the Relief Society president to thank her for calling me last week and say sorry for never calling her back (I'm really bad about that) I tell her I would love if they could visit me sometime after church or tonight. She says she will let me know. :)
Lucas comes into the room with all them men on a wife hunt. He spots me and comes over to where I am and we sit down in the front row and wait for class to start. I tell him I think our neighbor is beautiful. He agrees. I want her hair. The lesson starts and we sing a quick son, say opening prayer, and the Bishops wife begins the lesson. Its about Mothers. (I tell you, church is always the hardest time) The lesson is awesome, but people get really into it and share all their comments about how wonderful it is to hold your child, and know that you can keep them safe. They talk about how great it is to feel your daughter wrap her arms around your neck and know she is yours. I cry. I cried pretty hard, but I was in the front and tried to sniff quietly. I am worried I am making people feel weird, but hear other sniffles (mom's are very loved ) Lucas gets me a tissue box and puts his arm around me. We hold hands through the rest of the lesson.
After class we walk to Sacrament meeting, where we stand in the hall and Martha tells me she has my same skirt in pink. I really like her, she's nice. The bishop walks by and pats my arm (he saw me crying during the lesson on Motherhood)I smile at him and Lucas and I walk into the chapel.
We sit down near the front on a bench with another couple. While waiting for the meeting to start we notice some friends of ours from our old ward came in and sat in the back. It is the girl I awkwardly smiled at from an old post. Her baby is the age Molly would have been. Her other daughter is 2 and a half...her name is Molly. We went to the back and sat with them. They are so nice and friendly that its not weird around them. I hold their baby, Rose, for a while until she realizes I'm not her mom and she starts crying. I passed her back to her mom. We take the Sacrament. Our friends leave after inviting us over for hamburgers at 5. We agree even though I'm not supposed to have red meat. It will be worth it to get sick to be friends.
Sacrament meeting continues and people begin to share their testimonies (Every first Sunday of the month we fast, and the sunday meeting is open to the congregation to share the feelings in their hearts, and what they know to be true, and how the gospel blesses them) So while listening the bishop shares his testimony. He shares about how people in the ward are struggling with very hard things. How burdens are huge and he feels so blessed. He mentions feeling such sadness for couples who so badly want their babies. He looks at us. He is crying. He is a good man.
A few people later my heart starts beating really hard. I start sweating. I need to get up.
I freeze for a second, then stand up at the end of one persons testimony. I make the long walk to the front and stand in front of everyone. I feel the tears coming. I tell everyone what I know.
I know the church is true. I know that so many people around the world spend their whole lives asking questions, wondering where to turn, wondering what comes next. People want answers, and I feel blessed to know the answers that get me through this life. The gospel provides us with the revelations and doctrinal truths that are so wonderfully comforting. I dont have to wonder. I can know the answers to the questions that I have. I have the knowledge to get me through, and what a blessing that is! I know the atonement of Jesus Christ was real, and he died for me. He made a way for there to be eternal families! He has given us the ultimate comfort, now we know we can be together forever, and we can live with him again. The church is wonderful. I asked everyone to keep in mind and be grateful for the simple fact of having truth, because it is a wonderful blessing.
I walk back to my seat wiping my eyes. I sit next to Lucas, he looks proud. He puts his arm around me and squeezes. He kisses me and tells me it was beautiful. My heart is not pounding as hard, I feel better. I love the church.
We listen to more wonderful testimonies.
The meeting ends and the R.S. president finds me and tell me they can meet with me at 8pm. Deal.
We go to the other end of the church and meet with the Elders' quorum, where Lucas is given a calling. (woo hoo! Service!)
We hold hands and walk to the car, nervous to see if Moose made it through the long day home alone.
At home we are greeted by a HYPER puppy. He jumps up and runs in circles and cant decide where he wants to be he is JUST SO DARN HAPPY!!!!!! We laugh and put his leash on and take him outside where he....relieves himself. We cheer for him, and go back inside.
I come inside and make some guacamole to take to dinner. I cant try it because I'm fasting but put it in the fridge.
We remember that I have to work overnight, and since we are going to dinner and then I have a meeting I need to get sleep now. I cuddle with Lucas on the couch for a minute and then go off to bed. Just takes a few minutes and I'm ZONKED.
I have a dream about Molly.
I wake up and think about Molly and don't want to be awake. I want to see her again. But its too late and I'm awake and its time to get ready for food.
We get up and I brush my hair and change my clothes. We grab the chips and guacamole and say goodbye to Moose again, poor puppy! He's never alone this much!
We leave and drive over to our friends house. They aren't home. They are at the playground grilling the burgers, so we walk over there and meet them. Their baby looks cold and I find myself craving holding her, but don't say anything. We watch their Molly play on the playground, and when the burgers are done we walk to their apartment.
Inside Molly shows me her room. She makes me fake spaghetti and shows me her pillow is pink. I miss my Molly, but she is very cute and hard to be sad around.
We go out and she gets distracted with her stuff, and we talk to Amy and Zack. We eat the burgers and talk about school and life and family and get to know each other. They are really awesome and we have a great time. We stay and talk and eat for probably too long and I realize that it is 7:45. We have to get home
We say goodbye and Molly waves and says "See you in a minute, bye!" and we laugh and leave.
At home we greet Moose to the same wild excitement. He didn't have an accident again and we are very proud. I take him outside and the Relief Society is on the stairs and squeal at the puppy. I laugh and say I'll just be a second, sorry! They laugh and luckily Moose goes right away. We go upstairs and set Moose down where he jumps on everyone.
We laugh and giggle and Moose gets put in the back room. He cries really loud and everyone looks guilty. Lucas goes back into the room with him and he stops crying. So needy!
We start talking and chatting. The are all very kind, and we introduce ourselves and learn about each other. I tell them about Molly, because its easiest to bring it up first. They get quiet and somber, so I change the subject to scrapbooks. I show them the memory book and they look at it, and seem to really like it. :)
We talk more, and say a prayer, then they leave.
I find Lucas on the phone with his mom. I play a second with Moose, then talk to my Mother-In-Law on the phone. She has a question about shoes, somehow we end up talking for like an hour and a half.
I find Lucas and sit with him, and realize I have to be at work soon. I go change clothes and then come sit with Lucas on the couch. Hes great. I cuddle him as much as I can before its time to go. I say goodnight and head to work. I get to work and clock in and talk to Joe, as he lets me know I'm in for a boring night..the hotel is dead. I get excited to blog and watch Hulu.com. (great for wasting time)
I do my computer stuff and then I read other peoples blogs, watch 16 and pregnant on hulu, then start this SUPER long blog. Now I will go do more work, and then come finish it.
Um, I'm going to be far less detailed on this one.
One week ago I was asleep. :) I got up on Monday and worked front desk at the hotel from 7-3. hen Lucas picked me up and we had a mini-date. We got some subway and hung out for a while to spend time together before he went to work. He went to work, I played with Moose and cleaned the apartment. Watched some TV. Got out my scrapbooking stuff and put it all away because I couldn't do it emotionally.
Tuesday Got up at 4 am, showered, took Moose out, went to work and served breakfast. Got home around Noon and took a long nap. Woke up in time to say goodbye to Lucas as he went off to work.
Wasted the day again. Spent time with Moose.
Wednesday. Got up at 4 am. Showered. Took Moose out. Went to work and served breakfast. Got home around 1:15 and took a long nap. Woke up in time to say goodbye to Lucas as he went off to work.
Wasted the day again. Eat dinner. Spend time with Moose.
Thursday Get up at 6:30...feels like 4. Spend the day at front desk. Have a good day. Listen to loud music on the way home. Kiss Lucas, he goes to work.
Spend the day playing with Moose and doing chores. Scott and Carrie come over and we talk for a long time, Lucas gets home and we all talk until we can't keep our eyes open. They leave, we go to bed.
Friday DAY OFF and PAY DAY! Excited we got paid. Spend the day with Lucas. We ran errands. Paid bills. Love getting paid. Love Lucas. There were meals and other things in there too, I'm just blanking right now. Oh, neighbors get a puppy and we go play with him. Hes adorable! Moose is kinda weird around another puppy, its funny.
Saturday ANOTHER DAY OFF! Sleep in. Spend the morning with Lucas. Than I'm productive. I grocery shop and do laundry and clean. Moose has a great day. Lucas gets home and we cuddle. I feel great that I was productive and got a lot done, its better than wasting my time when we are so broke and I lack motivation. Make a decision to continue being productive.
Then today.
That wasn't great detail, but its really late/early.
My worst habit since Molly died is doing nothing. I already mentioned that so I will mention another one.
I guess my second worst habit since Molly died is not listening. I will think I am listening when people are talking but I find that I lose interest and then cant catch up and get lost thinking about Molly. As soon as anyone says anything that has to do with babies I think of Molly and am totally off track. Actually if they say anything or a story is too long eventually I find myself jsut starting at them and not paying attention at all. Its horrible. Its not like me. I am not trying to be rude, and I hope I hide it okay..?
Sorry if you have noticed. I am not trying to let my mind wander. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Day 28) What is in my purse?
I usually dont carry a purse, but did happen to bring mine today. I will get it.
Name tag with no name on it A boy's phone number (he was trying to get me to sign up at a gym, it was innocent!) Color Quick nail polish An albertsons receipt and coupon Two packs of quaker instant oatmeal A hair clip A couple more reciepts My wallet A credit card that should be in my wallet A shopping list A hair tie One tylenol capsule A bobby pin and 40 cents.
Day 29) Hopes, Dreams, and plans for the next 365 days
In the next year I would like to have finished a year of school. I want to have less hard days, and feel more settled about losing Molly. I want to finish her memory book and shadow box and have them out where I see them often. I want to read the Book of Mormon again. I hope and dream of and plan to either be pregnant or have a newborn. I want to still be happy. I want to go on another vacation. I want to have paid off our car. I hope to have made some wonderful friends since Carrie and Scott are moving and now we'll be lonely.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Day 30) A dream for the future
My biggest dream for the future is to find a way to help the very many children in the foster care system. I plan on being a nurse and or midwife and help women who lose their babies.
I want to adopt a few kids, I dont care what age they are. I just want to take a child into our family and give them the love and home and family they deserve.
I guess I have never really considered myself a very talented person. I have never stuck with any one hobby long enough or consistently enough to have it be my one great skill. But I guess I am coordinated enough. I usually obsess over one thing until I am really really good at it, then I move on to the next thing.
I wish I would have done that with piano, or guitar, or dance, but I gave up on those pretty quickly. I am planning on getting into the guitar again. Its just sitting in our house teasing me for never playing it. Seriously, TEASING me. It just makes fun of me, plays songs on its own like 'you are bad at guitar' and 'you would play just as well with no fingers' It's a mean, mean guitar.
I would say I am pretty talented and drawing and painting. I haven't done very much with it, but would someday like to write and illustrate a book for children. Or young adults. I am good at bubble letters too, since I do that all the time while bored. Here is a doodle I did today while watching hulu.
( I always write Lucas' name. I'm like a middle school girl with a crush)
I am struggling to think of anything that I am really talented at. I'll ask Lucas. .. ... .... ... .. . .. ... .... ... .. . .. ... He says typing. Which is true. I'm a very fast typist. I became obsessed with aim as a freshman in High School and now I type at about a 95wpm accurate speed. But I took a test on facebook where I got a 105 wpm! I was pretty happy! I would probably really enjoy being a court reporter because I love all that stuff. I have always wanted to serve on a jury but have yet to be called to one. One day, maybe.
He just said "and foosball! And art, and writing, and everything you do." haha I love him.
He won't play foosball with me anymore because he used to go easy on me and I got too good and now he can't beat me. We got rid of our table because he never wanted to play against me anymore. :P
I will call my mom and ask her. Moms always know our talents. . .. ... .. ... .. . .. She says "making people feel comfortable and putting people at ease. You are a boat of happiness leaving a wake of happy people behind you. You're also a good typist and have a knack for weird computer language and nobody understands that." (she means html hahaha)
Oh, I should always ask people this question! Makes me feel awesome! hah!
My wedding day was wonderful. We planned our wedding at the Denver temple to happen at 1 pm because then we would be able to go straight to the reception and not have to wait around forever. So, I got to sleep in.
I woke up pretty late and ate a bowl of cereal. I remember walking around all morning thinking
It's my wedding day. MY wedding day! my WEDDING DAY! Is it weird how relaxed I am?
I couldn't believe the day was here. Lucas and I had a VERY short courtship. Our first date was December 2nd (or was it 4th...? uh oh.) And then only 2 months later we got engaged, and only 8 weeks after that was our wedding day. April 3, 2009.
I walked around the morning of my wedding, not in a big rush to get anything done. My dress was simple, I had not planned how to do my hair or makeup, and all the reception planning and setting up was being done by everyone else. I guess it's supposed to be that way, but I completely trusted everyone to take care of it and I wasn't worried about a thing. All I had to worry about was making sure my Honeymoon suitcase was packed. So I did that. I hung out with my friend, Sylvia, who was in town for the wedding. Finally we decided to do my hair. We talked and talked, and mingled with in-town family. Then Sylvia started curling my hair for me, we had no plan and were just hoping it would turn out alright.
She gets about 1/4th of the way around my head and my brother, Steven, says "You know you have to be at the temple in 30 minutes right?"
WHAT?! I lounged around all morning and now my hair and makeup are not done! BAH! So I apologized to Sylvia, ran upstairs and brushed out my hair, and voila! It looked awesome! It had a great little flip that I sprayed with hairspray (it stayed all night!) and the rest looked way better than I could have hoped for! I quickly put on some makeup and got in the car with my honeymoon bag in the back. And off we went!
At the temple things were perfect. The second I saw Lucas butterflies filled my stomach and I felt like the luckiest girl on the planet.
The ceremony was beautiful and perfect. The room was filled with loved ones, and my Dad was bawling! It was adorable and of course made me bawl. My wedding day was what felt like the finish line to one heck of a rollercoaster ride of a dating life. My Dad must have felt such huge relief when I made it to my goal of finding a man to take me to the temple and marry me for time and all eternity. It was wonderful. Looking into Lucas' eyes, both of our eyes filled with tears as we agreed to spend the rest of forever as one. I had never wanted anything more than I wanted him for all eternity.
I couldn't believe that I didn't have a single reason to feel unsure about my decision to marry Lucas. I didn't question it once. I knew from about our 3rd date that he was the man I wanted to spend forever with. I searched and searched for something about him to be a red flag, something to prove that nothing and nobody can be as perfect as Lucas seems...but I couldn't find anything. I have since given up trying, and come to the conclusion that he IS perfect, and I am just blessed.
After the ceremony Lucas looked at me, his new wife, and his eyes watered and he said "wow" and smiled. It made me feel like a million bucks. He grabbed my hand and we walked outside the temple to the cheers of our families. It was SO FUN. I dont hate attention, and I loved seeing how happy everyone really seemed for us. It was magical. We took pictures for a long time with our amazing photographer, Jessi, then headed off to Larkspur for our wedding reception.
The reception was at the home of a very close family friend. They have a new house they built in the middle of nowhere, with great views, and designed to be an entertaining home. It was gorgeous. We LOVED everything. We stood in line for hours and met and mingled with hundreds of people, we tried to sneak a bite to eat between greetings, and then we cut the cake.
Lucas was very nice to me, people gathered around and anticipated a cake in face smash fest, but Lucas kindly gave me a bite and I gave him one, then we kissed to the cute and polite "awwwww"s of our guests. However, 5 seconds later my sister, Sarah, came upstairs and said "I missed it?! I missed it?!" and so we did it again!
This time we weren't so nice, and we smashed blue icing all over eachother, and everyone cheered! Its all for you, sarah! We decided not to have a big dance, but just have the traditional Father/Daughter, and First dance. I danced with my dad to "Butterfly Kisses" Which wasn't my plan but my dad loves it so we did and it was great. He cried again, and laughed at how I couldn't dance. (My sleeves wouldn't let me lift my arms up high enough so we just hugged and awkwardly pivoted for a song that is too long.) Then Lucas borrowed me from my dad and we danced to a rascal flatts song. I honestly dont remember which one, because I PRETEND that we danced to Blue October's "18th floor balcony" because that is what I wanted but I didn't get it on my ipod.
We left the reception in our blue minivan that someone had put the word "sex" on instead of "Just Married" Who does that? haha, oh well. So we drove off after hugging everyone to our life as a married couple.
I have had to pinch myself ever since to remind myself I'm not dreaming, and I really am as lucky as I feel. Lucas is perfect for me, and I am madly in love with him.
In just a year and a half Lucas and I have been through a lot, but we have done it all together, and we love each other more and more everyday. He's amazing. I love being married.
I already accidentally blogged about this. All the songs on the top right side of my blog make me cry except "Mist" which is just a good instrumental song.
Another song that makes me cry no matter what is "Be Still My Soul". Lucas' brother, Brian, sang it at Molly's funeral. It will always be her song.
Sometimes when I really miss Molly or want to feel her closer I will put on the songs and look at a slide show of all of our pictures. I usually just sit in the office and bawl by myself. It might not be the healthiest thing to do, but its a way to look at her face and get lost in a moment with her. Its all I've got.
Since this was so short I am also adding day 17.
An art piece/drawing/sculpture/painting that moves me.
I really like our apartment. Our first apartment was great, it had a big large kitchen that was open to a big family room and it had two huge bedrooms. However, it was a dungeon basement apartment and the lack of windows and constantly needing to turn on lights and do laundry at a laundromat got old after a year.
So we moved to another apartment, it was MUCH smaller but it had a washer and dryer and windows to the outside world :) It was great for a while, but it got to feeling smaller and smaller and we had the office in the kitchen and really wanted a second bedroom. We were going to stay there until the lease was up, but then we lost Molly.
We had imagined coming home to that apartment with her. We, for months and months, had imagined the sleepless nights and the amazing days with our baby in that little apartment. It was supposed to be Molly's first home. But when we lost her that apartment seemed to fill with a tangible loneliness. When we came home from the hospital, Lucas helped me up the stairs (its a third floor apartment and I had just had major surgery and couldn't even lift my right leg on my own.) We opened the door and walked into a house that was not filled with baby stuff. It did not have congratulations balloons in every corner. It was empty. It was lonely. It was awful. I cried for about an hour when we got home. Lucas held me on our bed and we cried and cried. Coming home there was supposed to be a baby, not just a scar, a bandage, and a broken heart.
I knew that moving would not remove the pain of missing Molly, but we both felt the need to be able to change something. We needed a place that didn't torture us even more. I can't explain why it made sense, but to us it did. We needed to move. So we found a third apartment. It has two bedrooms, an open kitchen/ living room, two bedrooms (Yay!), a washer and dryer, better parking, good ward, beautiful backyard, and allows us to get Moose! We found it, sold our old contract, and moved in like 5 days. It was fast, but it was good. It has helped us. We still miss her very much, but this apartment doesn't constantly remind me of that day we came home without our baby girl.
Here are pictures of our new apartment...we haven't hung pictures or painted or decorated at all yet, but we will eventually.
Day 13) A fictional book that is meaningful since we lost Molly.
I actually haven't read many books since our loss. Nothing fictional has seemed important enough or has been able to keep my attention long enough to get into reading. I'm sure I'll start reading again someday soon. (Especially if I go back to school soon! They still haven't let me know what track I'm on...fingers crossed for January!) That's why I'm adding day 14 as well, because day 13 is a super boring answer.
Day 14) A non-fiction book that is meaningful since we lost Molly
This is a book our old bishop gave us. It talks about losing an infant, or experiencing stillbirth or miscarrying. It was very good and helped us know what to expect as far as greiving, how others would react around us, and what it was like for our friends and family to experience this loss with us. It was very good. I'm not much of a "self-help" book person. I'd rather experience things and learn about it on my own, but I thought this book was very good.
A second meaningful book is this:
This book was given to me from a good friend, who also lost her beautiful baby girl Jaycee. The book is meaningful to me for two reasons, one reason being that I read all I could when we lost her to try and learn about mourning, and how Lucas might show his feelings. I have never been through anything like this before, and didn't know what to expect. But it is also meaningful because of my friend. She has been a great source of comfort for me. I had never met her prior to losing Molly, but recieved and email from her telling me a bit about her story and how she was feeling. She then reached out to me again and sent me the book. It touched my heart, and I felt like I had a sister to go through this with.
About the book...It is written by a mother who lost her baby, and talks about all of her feelings and experiences as she goes through life after her loss. It was good in a different way than the other book. This one wasn't as much what to expect as it just made me feel less alone. Her reactions were so different from mine, and she felt much more angry than just lonely. Maybe she felt angry at being lonely, but if nothing else it was a good read for someone who has lost a child.
This post reminded me of something I have wanted to mention. I have recieved hundreds of emails, cards, flowers, kind comments, hugs, and prayers. I have not been able to respond to each of you because of the time and because it would be such a toll emotionally. I apologize for not letting you know sooner what a difference this has made for us. We have been so comforted by your words. Every single email helped us. Every single kind word helps to lift our spirits. If you took the time to think of us, we appreciate it so much. We have actually printed every email, and kept every card and are putting them in her memory book. Anyway, thank you. You are amazing.
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